It has never hurt this bad

[pch]

I was broken up with two weeks ago by a person I've been seeing for almost four months. I've been in several relationships before, dated a lot and don't have any problems meeting men. So this is hardly my first breakup but it's by far the worst.

 

When we started dating I wasn't that interested at first but he, on the other hand, told me that it was the best date he had ever been on and he seemed like he was very into me from the beginning. I think it was after the third time we saw each other that I realized that I liked him and became a bit infatuated. Not at all like the infatuations I had when I was in my 20s, but it probably had a lot to do with us getting to know each other in a deep and thorough way pretty quickly.

 

After our fourth or fifth date he told me he had uninstalled Tinder. My feelings began to deepen and I thought to myself that I had never felt this safe and at home with anyone before. Everything felt effortless, I just wanted to have this person in my life for as long as I could and I don't think I've ever cared this much about anyone. He told me he felt the same way. The spark was gone after a month and a half or so and it made me unsure of my feelings but I figured that if I liked and cared about this person as much as I did, it had to be special. So I decided to go all in.

 

We hadn't talked about making it official, labels aren't really that important to me and I felt like he was invested in the relationship enough because he always wanted to see me, he took care of me and made me feel like I was very dear and special to him. He told me all the time how amazing I was and how happy he was that he had met me. We were a couple and I felt genuinely loved. But we decided to talk about it after two months because he was sensing that I wanted to make it official. And I wanted to, not because I really wanted to be called his girlfriend but because I felt like it was a natural step to take.

 

He told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship because he hadn't really sorted his feelings out and didn't know how in love he was with me because he liked everything about me so much. He didn't feel that spark/those butterflies anymore but knew that it wasn't just feelings of friendship. He was afraid to commit in case his feelings would diminish and make him feel trapped and unable to break up with me later.

 

I think it had a lot to do with him being in a relationship before me that he ended as soon as the infatuation wore off. But he told me we could still see each other on the premise that we would never become official. I told him that I wouldn't have any of it and that he had to choose between dating me on the premise that we might become official or to cut all ties with me because it would be to painful for me to just be friends at this point. He decided to cut all ties.

 

Two days later he reached out and asked me how I was. I told him I felt awful and he told me he did too. We talked a bit and he told me that he was unsure of whether or not he wanted to be with me for all eternity. I told him that I didn't know that either and that it's not something you have to feel after only a couple of months and that it's unrealistic unless you're about to marry someone, but even then it's not something you can be 100% certain of. The next day he went to my place, cried, apologized and told me that he didn't want to stop seeing me.

 

A month went by and everything felt normal again. We hadn't talked more about becoming official but I really didn't feel like we had to rush anything. The day before he left to go see his family for a week he told me that he was worried that seeing him made me unhappy and that he still wasn't completely sure that he wanted to commit, but that I had nothing to worry about as he loved being with me, didn't want to stop seeing me and that I made him feel so good. I should also add that during these three months both he and I had been away on trips so we had been away from each other before. We talked on the phone when he was at his family's house and he reassured me that I shouldn't feel worried and that he probably shouldn't have said anything. We texted like usual, he told me he missed me, that I was wonderful and that he would rather be at home hanging out with me. The day before he was leaving to go back home he felt a bit distant but also told me that he missed me.

 

We had planned to see each other as soon as he got home and I thought we were just going to hang out as usual, but instead he showed up at my place all cold and broke up with me right away. He told me that he wasn't in love with me and that he had realized it yesterday. I was devastated, in shock and couldn't believe how he had changed his mind just like that. It felt like he had just made a decision because it would make it easier for him.

 

He continued saying how he has never connected or been this close with anyone like this before, that I was the greatest, smartest, funniest, kindest, loveliest and most amazing person he had ever met. That he respects and admires me and that I'm the best person he knows and that he might never find anyone like me again but that he still stands by his decision because he's afraid to be in a relationship and not be able to leave. I asked him if it wasn't just because of the honeymoon period wearing off and that I've also experienced it. He said he didn't know why or what but that it wasn't about me at all. I'm not sure he really knows the difference between infatuation and love and it's driving me insane. He's just throwing it all away.

 

He reached out a few days later and asked me how I was doing and that he was worried about me. He asked if I wanted to meet up and talk. We did and it was mostly just us crying and comforting each other and him telling me how much he hated himself for doing this to me. He wants us to remain friends and I told him that I didn't know if it was possible, that it hurts too much. He told me not to be dramatic and that I might feel like this in the beginning and perhaps shouldn't make this decision right now.

 

We met up three times in a week and it was pretty much like this every time. I haven't met with or spoken to him since friday because I'm scared doing so will only make it worse. But I miss him so much and I don't know what to do because I'm in this hopeless position where I'll be miserable no matter what I do. I want him in my life but I don't think I can get over losing him as my companion. I've never been this sad over a relationship ending before and I've had no problems cutting ties with other exes because they weren't as important to me as he is. I just don't know what to do, I don't know if I can be this sad any longer.

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

Sorry it didn't work out. Truth is he knew you were way more invested than he was. He's not a bad guy or anything. He just wasn't as invested as you so it made him uncomfortable that you were ready to go all in emotionally and hoping for commitment. He likes you, but he wasn't in love with you and was just enjoying dating. So knowing he wouldn't be as invested as you, it weighed on his conscience, as he'd brought it up before, and he felt he was just leading you on knowing how in deep you were getting. He did the right thing.

 

I know it hurts. You had high hopes. But dust yourself off and just realize he knew something you didn't, which is that you just weren't the right one or he wasn't even anywhere near getting into a big relationship.

[jess060191]

I think he was playing games with your emotions this whole time, and would continue on doing it if he didn't end it. I know it hurts but this is for the best. The right guy will not be happy and in love one day and then the next day dump you.

[brownygoldy]

First off, I think labels and commitment are important to you and there’s nothing wrong in that! I think you were telling yourself they’re not as to not sound needy because you’ve learnt that labels/commitment are too much to ask for.

 

So I think you should re-evaluate your thinking around this if it makes sense to you - if two people are mutually growing something and developing feelings and want a future, labels and commitment are completely normal and if you lay this down in your head then you won’t even entertain a situation with a guy not on the same page again.

 

Second, you say the spark went for you 1.5 months in which is pretty soon for me. I get the idea around it not being all rainbows and butterflies forever but the way you make it sound is that the passion that initially attracted you disappeared but you kind of forced feelings and tried for the relationship. This shows you’re persistent, which again is good, for the right situation but this one doesn’t sound like it. The passion went for both of you and he was just more aware of that and took it more seriously and I think if you were headstrong enough about what you wanted you would also realise that he didn’t do it for you and ending it is the right thing.

 

I’m not saying your relationship was all bad, just that it’s time to think logically whilst putting emotions aside about the situation of the relationship and realise that this wasn’t working out.

[pch]

I think he was playing games with your emotions this whole time, and would continue on doing it if he didn't end it. I know it hurts but this is for the best. The right guy will not be happy and in love one day and then the next day dump you.

 

 

I'm not sure he was playing games because I've no doubt he really cares about me but I'm starting to think he's emotionally immature or hasn't been in love/is a spark chaser. It just sucks that it had to be him.

[pch]

First off, I think labels and commitment are important to you and there’s nothing wrong in that! I think you were telling yourself they’re not as to not sound needy because you’ve learnt that labels/commitment are too much to ask for.

 

So I think you should re-evaluate your thinking around this if it makes sense to you - if two people are mutually growing something and developing feelings and want a future, labels and commitment are completely normal and if you lay this down in your head then you won’t even entertain a situation with a guy not on the same page again.

 

Second, you say the spark went for you 1.5 months in which is pretty soon for me. I get the idea around it not being all rainbows and butterflies forever but the way you make it sound is that the passion that initially attracted you disappeared but you kind of forced feelings and tried for the relationship. This shows you’re persistent, which again is good, for the right situation but this one doesn’t sound like it. The passion went for both of you and he was just more aware of that and took it more seriously and I think if you were headstrong enough about what you wanted you would also realise that he didn’t do it for you and ending it is the right thing.

 

I’m not saying your relationship was all bad, just that it’s time to think logically whilst putting emotions aside about the situation of the relationship and realise that this wasn’t working out.

 

 

No, it wasn't forced at all and it wasn't a bad relationship. We became very close and intimate very quickly, that's why the spark faded. But unlike him I know you don't build relationships on infatuation and I really wish he knew that too.

Edited August 11, 2019 by pch

[pch]

He just texed me a few minutes ago asking me how I'm doing. I left him on read. This is horrible.