Waited too long?

[TooLateNow]

My wife and I have been together since 1980 when we met in our senior year of high school. We moved in together right after we graduated and then got married a little less than a year later in 1982.

 

During our relationship she has had sex with three other men. The first was a one night stand before we got married but while we were living together. The second was a more serious affair during that same time period. The third was another affair that started at about the eight year mark in our marriage. That affair ended in 1992 and frankly was at least partly my fault. I truly believe that was the end of all of her cheating and that at this point I know everything except what she “cannot remember because it was so long ago.” I knew about the last affair at the time it was happening but did not know about the first two until about twenty or so years after the fact.

 

When we met, I was living on my own and had been for a couple of years even though I was still in high school. My parents kicked me out of the family home because of my extremely wild behavior, which included drinking, drugs, drug dealing, and violence. I do not really blame them for kicking me out because I was completely out of control at that point in my life. I also did not mind because I had suffered a lot of physical abuse from both of my parents when I was younger that did not end until I physically stood up for myself as a young teenager and they realized they could no longer get away with the abuse. When I say physical abuse, I do not mean a lot of spankings, I mean ER visits, hospital admissions, broken bones, cigarette burns, etc. There were also eight of us living in a two bedroom house with an attic for a shared kids bedroom, so being on my own and having some space was also nice.

 

My wife had also suffered physical abuse from her mother and had been abandoned by her father. She was also raped twice as a tween/teen before I met her.

 

Suffice it to say we were both very damaged young people when we met. She was a little wild too at that point, but nothing like I was and for the most part she just went along with me for the ride on my crazy train. I was full of rage at that time against basically the whole world, and I felt like it was me and her against the world. I had never really known love before I met her, and I totally idolized her and put her on a pretty high pedestal.

 

When we were living together but before we were married, I did suspect some cheating on her part. I confronted her a few times, but she always denied it. She would get very emotional and cry and make me feel terrible for even suggesting it. I even felt like I was just crazy and jealous and needed to get over myself. One time she had even packed a bag and left our apartment while I was at work. When I got home, she was gone and her stuff was gone and there was not even a note. I was distraught and frantic and was doing everything I could to try to find her, but she eventually just came back later that night. I asked if there was someone else, but she said she had left because of my wild ways but changed her mind and came back because she loved me. I believed her at the time.

 

I asked her to marry me not long after that and she accepted. She did not tell me about the other two guys she had been with while we were living together, and I did not know about that when we got married.

 

A few years later we had our first child. This totally changed me and I gave up most of my wildest ways, but I did still drink a little and use some drugs, but I stopped dealing drugs and getting into fights. Then we had another child about a year and a half later and then a third child about seven years after that. By that time I had completely quit drinking and using drugs and had become a very respectable adult.

 

At about the eight year mark in our marriage, I noticed my wife seemed very infatuated with a co-worker. We had over the years talked about a threesome but it was mostly pillow talk that aroused both of us. She had always said that it was just a fun fantasy and needed to stay that way, but now she suggested that we should do it for real with this guy. I did not think she would really do it so I played along. She then told me that she wanted to have sex with him first to make sure it would not be awkward and to get him into the idea. I reluctantly agreed still thinking she would not really go through with it – BIG MISTAKE. She did have sex with him. She came home and gave me all the details. It did turn me on for some reason, and then we had pretty passionate sex.

 

Up to that point in our marriage, she and I had very regular sex, usually every day and sometimes multiple times a day. It had always been like that from the very beginning.

 

She then asked if she could have sex with him again so she could ask him about the threesome and to make sure the sex would be good for all of us. For some reason she had not asked him about the threesome the first time. I again reluctantly agreed – ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE. Again, she told me all the details, we both got very aroused, and we again had very passionate and amazing sex. She did not mention the threesome, so I asked her about it. She matter-of-factly said that he said he was not interested in that.

 

She then told me that she did not want to have a threesome anymore and had broken it off with him. That was a lie. She continued to sleep with him behind my back.

 

Then, for the first time in our relationship we started to have sex less frequently. She even gave me the “I love you but I am not in love with you anymore” routine. One day during this time period I kissed her and she pushed me away, spit on the floor, and looked and acted totally disgusted. That is an image I have never forgotten and probably never will. I was devastated.

 

I should also say that she was upset with me during this time because I had moved us to a state much farther from her family due to being accepted into a prestigious university for my doctoral studies. Although I was a wild youth, I was always an excellent student, and after I got my life on track did further my education, which has served us extremely well. Her family had always created huge problems for us from the very start, but that story would be a very long story all on its own.

 

Anyway, I then found out that she was still sleeping with him and got furious. She said she was breaking it off at that point, but that was another lie. I caught her a second time and told her I was done with her. She cried and begged and apologized and convinced me to stay. She told me she really did love me and was in love with me and only me. She threatened to kill herself and asked me to kill her (I have NEVER laid a hand on her in any type of violent way). She made me promise that I would never leave her.

 

Shortly after this I got my doctorate and an excellent well-paying position with a very big time company.

 

We also started going to church. This totally changed both of us for the better. The little bit of wildness that was left in me was gone - no more drinking or drugs or any type of crazy behavior. It also helped me to get over the hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness that had plagued me for so many years as a result of my parents’ abuse and a lot of the guilt and shame I felt for some pretty terrible things I had done during my wild drug dealing days.

 

Our sex life also got back to normal. To this day, we still have sex pretty much every day and sometimes multiple times a day.

 

A few years later we moved far from that state for a variety of reasons, including wanting to get away from the bad memories haunting me from her affair. I was able to get another high paying job, but this time with a much smaller company.

 

After we moved and at about the twenty (or so) year mark in our marriage, she told me she needed to talk with me about something serious. She told me God had convicted her that she had to tell me about some secrets she had been keeping from me. She told me that the affair with the guy I knew about was much worse, that it had gone on much longer than I had known, that she had slept with many times more than she had admitted, that she had slept with him in our home in our bed with our young children sleeping in their room right across the hallway, and some other pretty terrible things. She also now for the first time told me about the two guys she slept with when we were living together. The ONS was with a visiting district manager at her work. The more serious affair was with one of her managers from work at her location. She admitted that the night she had packed up and left she had gone to run away with him. However, when she told him she was leaving me for him, he told her that their relationship “was not like that,” and he dumped her on the spot. Apparently, she had just been a cheap piece of ass to him. That is why she came back to me.

 

To make matters worse, she was leaving to go visit our oldest daughter at college across the country. I could not go because of business. She dumped this information on me and then had to leave right away to catch her flight. She also said she never wanted to talk about it again because she felt too much guilt and shame. I was shocked but had no chance to say anything. During the week that she was gone visiting my daughter, I felt like I was going insane. I was devastated all over again.

 

When she got back I told her it was extremely unfair for her to dump that on me and then not allow me to even say anything. She agreed, and we talked a long time. I asked many questions, and she answered them all, at least as best as she could (I guess). She then made me promise that I would never bring it up again. I stupidly agreed. She also made me again swear I would never leave her, and I also agreed to that again.

 

As you may guess, it was impossible to never bring it up again and never have and ask questions ever again, but I did try my best. In the approximately twenty years since these terrible and devastating revelations, I have brought it back up and asked some additional questions probably less than a dozen times. Whenever I have, she gets very emotional and cries because of her guilt and shame and that makes me feel terrible. Mostly I have just for all these years kept it to myself but have had bouts of moodiness because of it.

 

This may have gone on like this forever but five years ago tragedy struck our family. Our youngest daughter died at the age of 21. My wife and I were and still are completely devastated by this. We have supported each other with our grief very well and I am sure always will no matter what. I went to a psychologist about a year after my daughter died to get some help dealing with my grief. I did not discuss the affairs because I had promised I would never tell anyone, partly for my wife but also largely because it is very embarrassing for me. Anyway, the doctor helped me to deeply analyze my life and realize that I was in two very toxic work situations. One was my primary full time position. The other was a part time position that I had mainly for fun with my church. In my primary job, I was bringing in huge amounts of income to the business and was very much unappreciated and treated pretty poorly. I quit both and started my own business. It has been hugely successful and I lament that I had not done this years earlier as many people had been counseling me to do for many years. I also felt much better emotionally and mentally and now have more time for myself and my family, which also now includes several grandchildren.

 

That doctor helped me quite a bit with my life issues and somewhat with my grief. But after several months she retired and I did not look for another doctor at that time. I was and still am very depressed over the death of my daughter, and after I stopped seeing that doctor, my wife and I both started to drink again and also use marijuana tincture. I also pretty much left the church but not entirely at this point.

 

So about six months ago I asked my wife a question about the past affairs. She blew up and claimed that at this point she was now the “victim” because I could not “get over it” and “keep bringing it up.” I got angry and we had a big argument which ended the usual way, her crying and me feeling terrible about making her upset.

 

Then I started thinking about it and wondered if she was right. I wrote her a long letter (I knew she could not handle a discussion about it) pouring my heart out about all of the pain I had suffered, mostly silently, for all these years. I also shared an article I had found about the high cost a betrayed spouse pays when choosing to stay with a cheater. I wrote that maybe she deserved better, maybe she deserved someone who could fully trust her and not be so damaged. I said that if she wanted to divorce I would go along with that and make it as easy as possible for her and I would still take care of her financially and would still never tell anyone about her affairs. I also did a timeline of our relationship from my perspective, and she did agree it was accurate except for a couple of points.

 

She then was overwhelmed with grief. In the past it had always been about her guilt and her shame, but now for the first time she felt remorse for what she had put me through and what she had done to me as a man and as a person and as someone who had always loved her and taken care of her no matter what. She told me she did not want to leave me. She said she would do anything to help me heal and would now talk with me whenever I needed to talk about anything I needed to talk about.

 

I also realized that trying to deal with this all by myself all these years was a terrible decision on my part. I found another psychologist. I have been seeing this doctor for the past several months to deal with these affairs and the grief over losing my daughter and other issues that come up of course. I am now seeing things from a totally new perspective. I no longer feel like a worthless loser and less than a real man for putting up with all I have put up with. I am regaining some of my lost self-esteem and confidence.

 

Part of reanalyzing my life has caused me to reevaluate my relationship with my wife. I see now that I was pretty much cheated out of my opportunity to choose for myself if I was willing to marry a cheater and also deprived of the opportunity to have a chance to deal with my emotions in an open and healthy way.

 

I am now wondering if I should get out of this relationship for my own well-being.

 

However, I feel like maybe that is unfair at this point so far down the road. Although I still love my wife and would help her as best I can, she would be pretty lost without me. Over the years I have treated her, in her words, “like a princess.” If she wanted something, I got it for her. If she needed care and support, I gave it to her. I have been very successful and have been able to take her all over the world for vacations and shopping and fun. She says I have given her a life she never dreamt she could have ever had. When she wanted to stay at home, I totally supported her. If she wanted to work, I helped her find work, but actually she has only had one full time job in her entire life and that lasted less than a year, and she has mostly not worked at all. She now helps me at my office a couple hours a week, but that is for her because she wants to do it and I really do not need her help and in fact secretly have to redo a lot of the work she does for me.

 

Also, I still love her, although I no longer worship her in my heart as I used to do and sadly do not think I will ever completely trust her again. Also, my kids would be very hurt if we separated or divorced. And even though I have suffered a lot of hurt over the years, we have also had a lot of great times together and have spent our entire adult lives together. I also do not want to be alone. I am pretty certain I could find another woman because I am successful, am well off financially, and exercise every day and am in great physical shape, but I never want to be with any other woman no matter what happens. Finally, I did promise not to leave her and I take my promises very seriously.

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[DKT3]

It's very important to actually deal with infidelities. You now understand what happens when you dont. It eats away at you and little at a time destroy whatever you build. Had a therapist tell me it's like building on quicksand.

 

It's not too later to heal from her infidelities, but she has to be willing to be open and honest until you get there and not just when she wants too.

[TooLateNow]

Thank you for replying. I learned this the hard way. I think at this point she wants to help me. I am still reluctant to bring it up because it hurts me to see her hurt. My doctor has told me I put WAY too much energy into trying to keep her from feeling badly and that it is also unfair for me to deprive her of her emotions. I am working on that, but it is difficult.

[usa1ah]

Normally when you get to this time of life you have all the loving memories to look back on and support you through the later years. You don’t have to this, all you have is grief and sorrow and a cheating wife.

 

I honestly do not see how you have stayed all of these years.

 

It’s up to you with what you do none of us can make that decision for you.

[usa1ah]

One more thought, your wife has played you like a violin for your entire marriage. She has played you the fool.

[mark clemson]

I estimate from your post that you're around 57 and have been with her essentially your entire adult life. You also wrote:

 

...I never want to be with any other woman no matter what happens.

 

She clearly has flaws and has made some bad decisions. You clearly had or have some flaws too.

 

Given the parameters and your own feelings, to me it makes more sense to stay and continue working through this than to leave. Hopefully she no longer harbors any desires to cheat or leave. One can never guarantee this, so consider *carefully* exploring this or perhaps indirectly testing the waters a bit to see if there are hints of that attitude on her part. Hopefully, if issues like that were found, you could work through them mutually.

 

I don't think you've "waited too long" for anything. You're just living your life the way you see fit...

[FMW]

I'm sorry if I missed it, but have you thought about marriage counseling together? I don't have personal experience with it, but it seems that it does help some couples if they have the right foundation to work on.

 

It might bring more clarity to you about what to do with your marriage. I would guess that seeing how she responds to questions from a (hopefully) neutral party might be enlightening.

[TooLateNow]

Normally when you get to this time of life you have all the loving memories to look back on and support you through the later years. You don’t have to this, all you have is grief and sorrow and a cheating wife.

 

I honestly do not see how you have stayed all of these years.

 

It’s up to you with what you do none of us can make that decision for you.

 

Thank you for reading my ridiculously long post and responding.

 

I have a lot of good memories and kids and grandchildren to look back on and still enjoy, but I also have a LOT of the sorrow as well. You are right about that.

 

At first I stayed partly because I loved her, partly because I wanted the kids to have a mother and father in the same home, and partly because of fear of supporting two households, fear of not getting to see my kids all the time, and fear of the unknown. I had in the back of my mind the thought that after my kids were out of the house I would consider leaving if I felt that way by then, but then shortly after our youngest left home she died, and I just could not make myself leave under those circumstances.

 

Also, if nothing else, I am a survivor. I have made it through much worse then this, but that would be another book.

[TooLateNow]

One more thought, your wife has played you like a violin for your entire marriage. She has played you the fool.

 

I totally agree with you on this. That has been one of my biggest issues. I feel like she made a fool out of me and that she never really loved me and that i was just the back up when the other guy dumped her. She swears that is not true, but it is hard for me to believe it just because she says it since she many times looked me straight in the eye and lied to my face without wavering.

 

Since we have been trying recently to work through this, I asked her what she loves about me. On the spot, the first and only thing she thought of was what a great life I had given her. That felt more like what she liked about my wallet than what she liked about me, and I told her that. She then just cried so I let it go.

 

Later she made a two page list that she even decorated listing a very long list of things she loved about me. These were all about me and really helped me a lot.

 

I have since taken into consideration that she does not handle things well when she is on the spot and usually freezes up in such situations. Also, she does not like confrontation and thinking about it I asked it in more of an aggressive and interrogating kind of fashion and not in a merely inquisitive way. That probably did not help, but I was frustrated and hurt.

[TooLateNow]

I estimate from your post that you're around 57 and have been with her essentially your entire adult life. You also wrote:

 

 

 

She clearly has flaws and has made some bad decisions. You clearly had or have some flaws too.

 

Given the parameters and your own feelings, to me it makes more sense to stay and continue working through this than to leave. Hopefully she no longer harbors any desires to cheat or leave. One can never guarantee this, so consider *carefully* exploring this or perhaps indirectly testing the waters a bit to see if there are hints of that attitude on her part. Hopefully, if issues like that were found, you could work through them mutually.

 

I don't think you've "waited too long" for anything. You're just living your life the way you see fit...

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I am leaning heavily towards staying but I am not 100% on that. I need to work through some issues with her and I am getting a lot of help from my psychologist, who does not tell me what I should do but is awesome at getting me to really think about things and consider all perspectives including many that I would have never come up with on my own.

 

I feel pretty certain she would never cheat again and honestly I think her options are limited, but she definitely fooled me pretty well in the past, so I am wary of being over-confident.

[TooLateNow]

and you are correct, I will be 57 this year and we have been together since we were 17, our entire adult life

[TooLateNow]

I'm sorry if I missed it, but have you thought about marriage counseling together? I don't have personal experience with it, but it seems that it does help some couples if they have the right foundation to work on.

 

It might bring more clarity to you about what to do with your marriage. I would guess that seeing how she responds to questions from a (hopefully) neutral party might be enlightening.

We tried marriage counseling after her third affair and I was a disaster in my opinion. My wife insisted that we not disclose or discuss her affair, so ti was probably doomed to fail in any event. About ten minutes into the session, the counselor stated that everything surely must be entirely my fault and we should just prepare to divorce. Even my wife thought that was ridiculous. We never went back.

 

Also, as far as "counselors," we have had some other bad experiences. We took our youngest to a counselor before she died and again it seemed like a joke and useless and there were absolutely no positive results.

 

Another situation with a "counselor" involved some children we took in after their mother's deranged ex shot her right in front of them. The kids knew me and trusted me because of the church, as did their mother, so the authorities asked us to keep the kids while their mother was in the hospital (she eventually died). They also had us take the kids to a "counselor." Another useless waste of time with absolutely no positive results.

 

Another "counselor" was seen by two of my grandchildren because they were dealing with the impact on them of their brother's cancer. Same sad results.

 

Where we live, it takes very little to be a "counselor" and get licensed as one.

 

That is why I am seeing a psychologist and not a counselor.

 

I am sure not all marriage counselors are awful, but I have a bad taste in my mouth about counselors and would likely never see any type of counselor for anything.

[Flame Aura]

Your divorce is about 20 years overdue.

 

 

Unfortunately I don't think you have the balls so to speak, to actually end things as you have let her take you for a ride over and over and over and over and over again and you never learnt from your mistakes.

[Bryanp]

I truly feel for you.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself why do you love a woman who would constantly treat you so horribly and humiliates you in such a disrespectful way? She has had no problem having unprotected sex throughout the years and putting your health at risk for STD's. She sleeps in your home with her lover in your marital bed and has sex while your children are in the other rooms Yet, you love this person who treats you like dirt and humiliates you. What does that say about you?

 

You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes about her absolute lack of respect for you as a spouse and a man. If you knew then what you know now would you have still wanted to spend your life with her? Would you want any of your children to marry a spouse that would do that to them?

 

She clearly never had any consequences to her actions which meant that she had absolutely nothing to lose or fear from you. There is an old saying that applies to you and I do hope that you take it to heart:

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[usa1ah]

I totally agree with you on this. That has been one of my biggest issues. I feel like she made a fool out of me and that she never really loved me and that i was just the back up when the other guy dumped her. She swears that is not true, but it is hard for me to believe it just because she says it since she many times looked me straight in the eye and lied to my face without wavering.

 

Since we have been trying recently to work through this, I asked her what she loves about me. On the spot, the first and only thing she thought of was what a great life I had given her. That felt more like what she liked about my wallet than what she liked about me, and I told her that. She then just cried so I let it go.

 

Later she made a two page list that she even decorated listing a very long list of things she loved about me. These were all about me and really helped me a lot.

 

I have since taken into consideration that she does not handle things well when she is on the spot and usually freezes up in such situations. Also, she does not like confrontation and thinking about it I asked it in more of an aggressive and interrogating kind of fashion and not in a merely inquisitive way. That probably did not help, but I was frustrated and hurt.

 

Actions always speak louder then words.

[spiritedaway2003]

I also really feel for you. You sounded like a good guy with a reasonable head on your shoulder. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your youngest daughter. There's a lot of grief to deal with, as it is.

 

If I were in your situation, I might be forgiving of the 1st affair (people make mistakes...) but not after the second or the third, but that's just me. It doesn't matter what any of us think, but what you want to do at this point. You could choose to leave or stay. Neither is right or wrong. You need to make the choice that's right for you. You don't have to make a decision immediately.

 

You mentioned that you didn't have great experience with marriage counseling. I'd suggest that you try again until you find a good marriage counselor that works for you. (I know not all works because my first counselor for IC didn't work for me, so I get why you would be hesitant). Isn't your marriage worth it enough to find someone who you could both work with? If it means talking about those difficult things so that your spouse understand just how much those incidents have affected you and your ability to trust her, then those conversations should not be off the table.

 

See what comes out of those sessions, and then figure out what to do next.

 

It's also tough to start over. You're at the age where things are established and there's a routine. That's a comfortable place to be -- not wanting to disrupt status quo. You are at the age where you should be able to wind down your working years and gradually move into your 'golden' years. Things like separation or divorce might severely disrupt things as you know it, so fear of the unknown is big one. If you intend to stay together (for the kids, for the history, for the love that you still have, or what have you), that's all fine too. But that doesn't mean you can't work towards getting the healing you need. These will continue to gnaw at you in later years if you don't work through them, so give both you and your spouse a real chance to heal and move on from them if you decide to work on the marriage.

 

It's late, but it's never too late. I wish you the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

I never want to be with any other woman no matter what happens.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your child.

 

Like you, I've arrived at the edge of of old age with a few dings, dents and parts missing from the marital armor. While you've certainly had the swings from high to low, I'd guess the questions you're asking yourself aren't too different from many spouses at the same point in life. Perhaps there's some "fairy tale" marriages out there, but your situation would resonate with many 50 and 60-year olds.

 

For me, it comes down to two things -

 

- my wife is a good person. She has her flaws and has committed her sins, but she loves and supports me. And I her.

 

- there's a history together that has value and provides continued happiness going forward. More than anything, that would be a lot to give up.

 

I'd only ask you be sure to look at the totality of your marriage and your wife's contribution to it. There's a Greek chorus here quick to judge her harshly, you should consider her completely, in every sense of the word.

 

I hope you continue to work with your psychologist. Your life, your decision to make. Best of luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buffer]

My sincere condolences

For the loss of your daughter.

 

The anger you bottled up due to her not wanting confrontation over her affairs, must have been very hurtful to you so not to be able to work through you emotions. This would have affected your whole life not just the home front.

 

I take my hat off to you.

 

Please communicate with her, even if you have to drag information out of her, this can’t be swept under the rug like she has done.

 

You and I are the same age, I am not well educated but am happy with my life’s results.

 

Please keep up the psychology sessions they can only help.

 

I hope you can work with your wife to continue towards a mutual outcome that both accept. You both have been together since your 17th birthday.

 

Good luck

[TooLateNow]

I also really feel for you. You sounded like a good guy with a reasonable head on your shoulder. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your youngest daughter. There's a lot of grief to deal with, as it is.

 

If I were in your situation, I might be forgiving of the 1st affair (people make mistakes...) but not after the second or the third, but that's just me. It doesn't matter what any of us think, but what you want to do at this point. You could choose to leave or stay. Neither is right or wrong. You need to make the choice that's right for you. You don't have to make a decision immediately.

 

You mentioned that you didn't have great experience with marriage counseling. I'd suggest that you try again until you find a good marriage counselor that works for you. (I know not all works because my first counselor for IC didn't work for me, so I get why you would be hesitant). Isn't your marriage worth it enough to find someone who you could both work with? If it means talking about those difficult things so that your spouse understand just how much those incidents have affected you and your ability to trust her, then those conversations should not be off the table.

 

See what comes out of those sessions, and then figure out what to do next.

 

It's also tough to start over. You're at the age where things are established and there's a routine. That's a comfortable place to be -- not wanting to disrupt status quo. You are at the age where you should be able to wind down your working years and gradually move into your 'golden' years. Things like separation or divorce might severely disrupt things as you know it, so fear of the unknown is big one. If you intend to stay together (for the kids, for the history, for the love that you still have, or what have you), that's all fine too. But that doesn't mean you can't work towards getting the healing you need. These will continue to gnaw at you in later years if you don't work through them, so give both you and your spouse a real chance to heal and move on from them if you decide to work on the marriage.

 

It's late, but it's never too late. I wish you the best.

 

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My psychologist is helping me a lot and I respect her. I am going to ask my psychologist for a referral for a psychologist she respects for joint counseling.

[TooLateNow]

I'm sorry for the loss of your child.

 

Like you, I've arrived at the edge of of old age with a few dings, dents and parts missing from the marital armor. While you've certainly had the swings from high to low, I'd guess the questions you're asking yourself aren't too different from many spouses at the same point in life. Perhaps there's some "fairy tale" marriages out there, but your situation would resonate with many 50 and 60-year olds.

 

For me, it comes down to two things -

 

- my wife is a good person. She has her flaws and has committed her sins, but she loves and supports me. And I her.

 

- there's a history together that has value and provides continued happiness going forward. More than anything, that would be a lot to give up.

 

I'd only ask you be sure to look at the totality of your marriage and your wife's contribution to it. There's a Greek chorus here quick to judge her harshly, you should consider her completely, in every sense of the word.

 

I hope you continue to work with your psychologist. Your life, your decision to make. Best of luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thank you. These are good points to consider. When we are together all is generally great. When we have the rare argument, I usually start it as she is very non-confrontational. The problem has been what she did behind my back many years ago and the things she did not tell me and the lies she did tell me. I will be thinking about the balance carefully.

[TooLateNow]

My sincere condolences

For the loss of your daughter.

 

The anger you bottled up due to her not wanting confrontation over her affairs, must have been very hurtful to you so not to be able to work through you emotions. This would have affected your whole life not just the home front.

 

I take my hat off to you.

 

Please communicate with her, even if you have to drag information out of her, this can’t be swept under the rug like she has done.

 

You and I are the same age, I am not well educated but am happy with my life’s results.

 

Please keep up the psychology sessions they can only help.

 

I hope you can work with your wife to continue towards a mutual outcome that both accept. You both have been together since your 17th birthday.

 

Good luck

 

 

Thank you for your excellent thoughts. We are working on the communication about this issue. We have great communication about almost everything other than this topic. The problem now is that I hate to upset her. That is my problem and not really her fault at this point because she is now willing to talk about it whenever I need to. She has always been emotional and I knew that from the very beginning. She cannot help that.

[BaileyB]

We tried marriage counseling after her third affair and I was a disaster in my opinion. My wife insisted that we not disclose or discuss her affair, so ti was probably doomed to fail in any event.

 

My heart breaks for you, because you sound like a good man, a loyal and devoted husband. You have certainly had a lot of trauma in your family. I am sorry for your loss.

 

Does your wife show regret or remorse for her infidelity? Based on this statement, I would say not really. And, that could be a good part of the reason why you are struggling. How exactly did she think marriage counselling was going to help when she refused to disclose or discuss the primary reason why you needed to go to marital counselling? It goes without saying that counselling was doomed to fail. At best, she is delusional. At worst, she is continuing the same selfish and manipulative behavior that contributes to the infidelity.

[TooLateNow]

I truly feel for you.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself why do you love a woman who would constantly treat you so horribly and humiliates you in such a disrespectful way? She has had no problem having unprotected sex throughout the years and putting your health at risk for STD's. She sleeps in your home with her lover in your marital bed and has sex while your children are in the other rooms Yet, you love this person who treats you like dirt and humiliates you. What does that say about you?

 

You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes about her absolute lack of respect for you as a spouse and a man. If you knew then what you know now would you have still wanted to spend your life with her? Would you want any of your children to marry a spouse that would do that to them?

 

She clearly never had any consequences to her actions which meant that she had absolutely nothing to lose or fear from you. There is an old saying that applies to you and I do hope that you take it to heart:

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

 

Good points and good questions.

 

 

 

There are a lot of reasons that I love her but it is mostly feelings and memories, which are mostly good but mixed in with some bad feelings and memories as well.

 

 

We are both STD free. Although the affairs ended all the way back in 1992, she has been tested occasionally and even recently in connection with some GYN issues she has had and I wanted to double check myself and got tested recently because of paranoia and trust issues. I do understand that she did expose us to the risk and that in itself is not good even though thankfully she ended up clean.

 

 

It is hard to say what I would have done if I knew about what happened at the time. I might have forgiven her for the ONS but probably not the affair with the guy she was going to leave me for.

 

 

I definitely would not want my kids or grandchildren to ever have to go through these types of issues. My surviving children made excellent choices in spouses and in life in general. My choices when I was young were not good at all and were generally clouded by the fact that I was stoned most of the time and had a very distorted view of the world because of my upbringing and home life.

 

 

You are right about the "no consequences" point. Other than getting angry and moody at times, I really did not put any consequences on her. Her only consequences, if you can call it that, is her pain from her own guilt and shame.

 

 

As far as respect, I definitely lost basically all of my self-respect, but I am slowly gaining some of it back. Also, there are a great many people who respect me for my work and things I have done for others and other talents and abilities and accomplishments. The fact that she did what she did and I let her get away with it without consequence makes me feel very bad about myself, but that is only one piece of who I am and does not or at least should not define me. This is something I am slowly realizing and working through with my psychologist. Part of my problem is that I do tend to obsess about things and usually the bad and not the good things.

[TooLateNow]

My heart breaks for you, because you sound like a good man, a loyal and devoted husband. You have certainly had a lot of trauma in your family. I am sorry for your loss.

 

Does your wife show regret or remorse for her infidelity? Based on this statement, I would say not really. And, that could be a good part of the reason why you are struggling. How exactly did she think marriage counselling was going to help when she refused to disclose or discuss the primary reason why you needed to go to marital counselling? It goes without saying that counselling was doomed to fail. At best, she is delusional. At worst, she is continuing the same selfish and manipulative behavior that contributes to the infidelity.

 

 

 

Thank you for replying and for your kind words.

 

 

I try hard to be a good man now, but when I was young I was a terrible man and enjoyed being that way and did not care what anyone thought or who I hurt. Many, many years ago I decided I did not want to be that awful person anymore, but I think I overcompensated the other way. I have devoted a great deal of effort to helping others to the point I have neglected myself. I was so concerned about being nice and a good guy that I let people take advantage of me until my first psychologist woke me up to the problems that was causing me. My current psychologist is also helping me get a better balance on this, but I still probably lean a little too far to the being overly nice at my own expense side.

 

 

I have always tried to be a devoted and loyal husband, even in the days when I treated everyone else awful. I way overdid the nice guy thing with my wife and am still suffering the emotional consequences of that.

 

 

The marriage counseling fiasco was in 1992 or 1993. I agree with your assessment and so does my wife now.

 

 

At this point I believe she is truly remorseful. Until recently, I think she only felt bad for herself, but now she also feels bad for me as well. At least that is how it appears now. There have definitely been huge changes over the last six months or so.

 

 

If we can find a good psychologist for joint counseling, I am sure she would go with me and participate openly and honestly. I am going to try to arrange this.

[Rayce]

Once a cheater... always a cheater and you already know of how many? 3? I think if the right guy came along she would jump at having another affair.