Just need to offload

[Moth1980]

So not looking for any advice nor counsel, and if you’re here to pass judgement feel free just know that I don’t actually care what you think. I’ve made my bed....

 

Background

I’d been faithful for 12 years, my father had multiple affairs which I was aware of growing up and always resented him for it given the effort my mother put in. Long story short me of younger years probably wouldn’t look kindly on me now.

 

Fast forward to 2015. Met someone at a work event. A lot younger than me. She danced provocatively with me, it was erotic and I remember saying to her you keep doing that and we will have to get a room. Nothing happened but on the way back it was clear there was chemistry. Our eyes kept meeting and there was a definite tension.

 

Fast forward a few months and we are at another work do. This time we meet outside. We kiss. And then I have to leave her. 9 months later work trip abroad with her and we look at each other. Our eyes meet and nothing is said but we both know what’s happening. Without a word we go back to hers. I told her I was married and with kids.it didn’t matter. You can use your own imagination to figure out what happened.

 

Next day wracked by guilt I told her I couldn’t do it and would never leave wife. We agreed it was the one night. And then that night she texts me and once again we fall into each other.

 

Fly home, and that weekend we text. We meet the Monday after both knowing there’s something more than sex but no idea. We have a passionate affair. She falls in love quickly as do I. Her father cheated on her mother, divorcing her and moving in with the other woman. That Christmas we realise we need to stop, but we can’t. I see a therapist to try to process what is happening and who the person is I’ve become. But we can’t keep apart. My wife catches me texting her Christmas Day. She’s deeply upset. I lie. Talk my way out of it. I do love my wife. And my kids. But I don’t understand it. The feelings I have for my OW are so powerful. It’s like I’m in a bubble. I cause all sorts of mayhem at home when I tell my wife I need a weekend away without kids etc. I book a hotel room in a nearby city. She joins me. We spend two nights and three days together. I tell her that I love her and I’d give everything up for her. She tells me she can’t. We agree to end it. And the next 8 weeks is some of the most painful we have both been through. She meets someone else. I encourage it. I want her to be happy, but she keeps seeing me. We sleep together unprotected. We have one night celebrating her birthday and she tells me how much she wants a baby. We have sex. I have to leave her in her bed, so she goes to spend the rest of the night with the boys. She falls pregnant, swears it isn’t mine. Then asks how I’d feel about raising a child with her. She gets an abortion. He goes with her. She doesn’t give me a choice and is angry when I suggest it might be mine.

 

He goes to Australia for work. She’s devastated but continues to keep seeing me. It’s now July. They go on holiday together but she realised that actually she still loves me. It has been 4 months of no contact. We meet and the usual sparks fly. We meet again for a work do in the November. She comes to my room after I’ve left her alone. Knocks on the door. We go to her room. The usual happens. The next morning she’s overcome with the fact she cheated on her bf. We part. I tell her I still love her. We text. We keep in touch. We fight over silly things. But still we are in touch. Another work event in January. This time I go to her. She let’s me in. But this time there’s no full sex. There’s foreplay but she tells me to stop. I think she’s not being serious. But the. I realise she is. So I stop. It would have been easy to continue and I’m shocked at how close I’ve come to doing something I wouldn’t be able to live with myself doing. I can’t believe who I’ve become. Don’t recognise myself. Her boyf comes back from Australia early. Think he realises he will lose her if he stays there longer. She continues to see me. He comes back. They spend time together. One night I get a tearful phone call from her. She’s found evidence on his laptop he has been messsaging prostitutes. They work through it. I have no idea how. I see her every day at work. She’s resisting texting me and we try no contact. It doesn’t work. We still have to work together. It’s jan this year. She wants to meet me for lunch. Then decides against it. It’s Valentine’s Day. I don’t send her a card thinking it will help her and me. It doesn’t. We have another work do abroad. We talk. She misses me and I miss her. But nothing happens. I miss her. She tells me she’s leaving our firm and we may never see each other again. I tell her I love her. She says she doesn’t love me. It’s this week, and I’m going on holiday. We agree to meet for coffee. We end up walking around the office. She hugs me and we talk. I tell her I still love her. She tells me she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.

 

And that’s how I am now. About to go on holiday. And missing /

Loving my mistress.

 

Not looking for support or a voice or anything. Just needed to offload. Will answer whatever questions anyone has if it helps them. And if you’re here to judge you’re just wasting your own time.

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[BlindsidedTwice]

No judgement from me. I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years, and yet painfully trying to get over another MM whom I had an A with for the past three years.

 

This is still very early for you, so I know the pain is REALLY bad. The good news is that you found LS and there are a lot of really supportive people here. They will ask questions, and yes judge you, and press your thoughts, tell you it wasn’t love, and urge you to go to counseling. Just read and ponder. It’s ok if you feel offended by what they say, but take it all in. Soak it in. It’ll change your entire perspective, if you want that new perspective.

 

Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.

Edited August 8, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice

[Moth1980]

Much appreciated. Pain is horrible but will be ok. Don’t make omelettes without eggs. I still don’t know where I am with her. She’s told me she didn’t love

me before. And then told me she did. If there’s was nothing there why would she hug me? It’s this not being in control of something that I can’t escape that’s killing me atm.

 

Hope you’re ok. Can’t have been easy. It’s harder knowing my Mrs is an all round good person. Doesn’t deserve this but equally I didn’t see myself in the role either.

[mark clemson]

Yikes. IMO best thing you can do here is the obvious. Use this as an opportunity to end it completely and walk away. Go NC and stay that way. Easier said than done. You may have limerence - suggest you look this up on wikipedia to at least understand it if you do.

 

Finding a new job might be a really good idea. You don't want to lose control, have her make a scene one day if she's mad at you, be distracted, or similar.

 

She's telling you she doesn't love you anymore. Even if she's lying, it tells you all you need to know. She (very understandably) wants to be with someone she can actually have. (I do hope she leaves the prostitutes guy though. Yikes.)

 

It never should have started in the first place. But it did. Time to end it.

[preraph]

You both modeled after your cheating parents. They didn't show you how to be committed and faithful adults.

[Moth1980]

Hi Mark - yup very well aware of limerance. These past three years I’ve done a *lot* of reading up on behaviours, love and infatuation. She’s not left the guy. But she’s happy and not lonely. She says she loves him but I’m not so sure. Think she has settled into an easy life. As for a different job well she’s leaving my firm before I get back from hols. And you’re right NC easier said than done. And she could actually have me if she wanted me. But I wouldn’t just leave to prove a point.

 

Peerage. Quite possibly but I had thought I wouldn’t go down the same path at all. Younger me would be shocked.

[Amethyst68]

There's something missing from your posts - are you still married? Where does your wife stand in all of this? Is your wife your blan B and your OW asked would you leave? Doesn't your wife have the right and deserve the opportunity to make an informed choice about her life and her future?

 

Honest questions to consider.

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi moth. I bet so many people here know how you feel even though you can’t imagine we could possibly understand. You can’t believe it actually happened to you. That’s how I feel. You’ll never get over it 100%, you have to hope you can adjust to the new you post A. From experience, you’ll need full NC. this will be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. And you will wonder after many months why it isn’t working. Well, it is, but you won’t heal 100%. You’ll spend time just going through the motions. You’ll have no choice. If you want to stay married, which I recommend, you will have a lot of bad days ahead. Hard to stop an A. Wish you luck. Stay married. Stop A. Stop contact. Just do it

[Mr. Lucky]

And if you’re here to judge you’re just wasting your own time.

 

Well, the smug, entitled vibe running through your entire post would indeed indicate judging you a waste of time. Telling that your wife is like one of the appliances in your home, there for your convenience and the occasional toss when your feeling down over your AP. But you "love" her and your kids, right?

 

Sure...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moth1980]

There's something missing from your posts - are you still married? Where does your wife stand in all of this? Is your wife your blan B and your OW asked would you leave? Doesn't your wife have the right and deserve the opportunity to make an informed choice about her life and her future?

 

Honest questions to consider.

 

 

And one I have done a lot and a very fair point. She’s not a plan b. But then equally not really a plan a. If my OW asked I would. Probably. And there’s the issue in that one little word. Appreciate I’m not being fair to wife, in that she can’t decide anything if she doesn’t know the full facts but then equally what’s worse. To put her through all that pain and break up family for what. If no OW it was pointless. It’s not I don’t love my wife and family. I haven’t cheated since although during I did to try and see if it was just the sex or if I could get the feelings elsewhere (own knows this). But it’s not. It’s just her.

[Buffer]

Hi brother

 

If you need to post to help you work through this then do so.

There are a lot of well intentioned people here who are more willing to help you.

Some will tough love message you, others will use a softer way to get their experience o help.

 

I always look for R, especially if children are involved. You loved your wife to marry her, make home and build a life with.

Your OW may fir the perfect mould but she is drawing you away. She knows this and has stated numerous times she doesn’t love you enough to break up her life and your marriage

 

Total NC, IC for you and for Christ sake stop letting little man make the decisions in life for you.

 

Good luck

[Amethyst68]

Honestly, haven't seen much evidence in your post the affair's over, at least on your end. If it was you wouldn't have met her this week, you wouldn't still be telling her you love her. What purpose is there with this behaviour other than trying to restart the regular hookups and the discussions/thoughts about leaving your wife, your family.

 

Your recent actions show your wife probably doesn't even rate as highly as a plan b.

 

You need to let her know for the sake of her physical health. You were having sex with a woman who was also having sex with other men. Your wife needs to go for a full STI check. It doesn't matter if you've been screened, the HPV virus is specifically tested for in women.

 

Edited to add it's even more important since it sounds like you're actually a serial cheat trying to recreate that perfect moment with OW1.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Amethyst68

[Moth1980]

Hi brother

 

If you need to post to help you work through this then do so.

There are a lot of well intentioned people here who are more willing to help you.

Some will tough love message you, others will use a softer way to get their experience o help.

 

I always look for R, especially if children are involved. You loved your wife to marry her, make home and build a life with.

Your OW may fir the perfect mould but she is drawing you away. She knows this and has stated numerous times she doesn’t love you enough to break up her life and your marriage

 

Total NC, IC for you and for Christ sake stop letting little man make the decisions in life for you.

 

Good luck

 

 

Thanks. It is more for me just to offload. Therapy didn’t really help last time so it’s just easier to post somewhere anonymously and let stuff out. You’re spot on. My OW does know this. And she’s probably doing what’s best. NC I tried but has been super hard given we work together. Maybe will be easier now she’s moving to another firm. We shall see. It’s not easy right now though.

[Moth1980]

Honestly, haven't seen much evidence in your post the affair's over, at least on your end. If it was you wouldn't have met her this week, you wouldn't still be telling her you love her. What purpose is there with this behaviour other than trying to restart the regular hookups and the discussions/thoughts about leaving your wife, your family.

 

Your recent actions show your wife probably doesn't even rate as highly as a plan b.

 

You need to let her know for the sake of her physical health. You were having sex with a woman who was also having sex with other men. Your wife needs to go for a full STI check. It doesn't matter if you've been screened, the HPV virus is specifically tested for in women.

 

Edited to add it's even more important since it sounds like you're actually a serial cheat trying to recreate that perfect moment with OW1.

 

Yup. It isn’t for me. Hence the post. Equally if it was over for her she wouldn’t have met me? And yes I have been transparent with wife, as that was pretty much what happened with ow. So she’s been checked. As have I. And clean. I was a serial cheat trying to recreate that moment but it’s clear that’s not happening. Hence the word was. Stopped that nonsense over a year ago when I figured out its only the ow who makes me feel that way. Otherwise it’s just sex.

 

Thanks for all the comments. Do appreciate the thoughts, input and challenges

[pepperbird]

I know I shouldn't, but I almost spit my coffee out laughing when you mentioned your ow being upset her boyfriend was seeing prostitutes all while cheating on him with you.

 

 

Is this for real?

[pepperbird]

I was a serial cheat trying to recreate that moment but it’s clear that’s not happening. Hence the word was. Stopped that nonsense over a year ago when I figured out its only the ow who makes me feel that way. Otherwise it’s just sex.

 

 

 

Wait a minute here. Does this mean you were with other women as well, trying to "recapture" that feeling?

 

 

Sir, if this is true, you have NO business being married. You can still be a great dad but f you ask me, I see zero evidence that you would miss your wife if she were not there, except perhaps that she's your children's caretaker and safe place to fall if you need it.

 

You also mentioned that therapy didn't help you and you came on here at at the offset, told people you weren't interested in "judgement" ( negative feedback on your actions). That tells me you really don't feel that bad about what you're doing.

 

Do you really feel okay asking your wife to stay married to a man treats her the way you have been treating her? Your answer will be very telling. If you say "yes" you don't really love her. If you say "no", then you know what you need to do.

[Moth1980]

I know I shouldn't, but I almost spit my coffee out laughing when you mentioned your ow being upset her boyfriend was seeing prostitutes all while cheating on him with you.

 

 

Is this for real?

 

Sadly yes. I did see the irony.

[Moth1980]

Wait a minute here. Does this mean you were with other women as well, trying to "recapture" that feeling?

 

 

Sir, if this is true, you have NO business being married. You can still be a great dad but f you ask me, I see zero evidence that you would miss your wife if she were not there, except perhaps that she's your children's caretaker and safe place to fall if you need it.

 

You also mentioned that therapy didn't help you and you came on here at at the offset, told people you weren't interested in "judgement" ( negative feedback on your actions). That tells me you really don't feel that bad about what you're doing.

 

Do you really feel okay asking your wife to stay married to a man treats her the way you have been treating her? Your answer will be very telling. If you say "yes" you don't really love her. If you say "no", then you know what you need to do.

 

It’s a good response and a fair one. Judgement for me isn’t the same as negative feedback. Your response being a classic example. It’s not judgemental but it is challenging. I was with others because I didn’t know if it was just her or not. It is just her and hence I stopped. This was quite a while ago. Relationship with Ow has been since. Do I feel ok about it? No. But what’s worse managing how I am or letting the truth destroy things and cause a lot of hurt. It’s not I don’t love my wife. I do. And I’m not asking my wife, she has chosen, albeit admittedly without all the facts. Therapy didn’t help because it confused everything. I think maybe I’m just clinging on based on feelings for ow. But they’re so strong they override anything else.

 

Sorry if that’s a rubbish answer. I’m finding it hard to answer your question.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I was with others.... It’s not I don’t love my wife. I do...

 

 

You have a poor way of showing your love for your wife. I feel sorry for her, she deserves so much more.

[BaileyB]

Appreciate I’m not being fair to wife, in that she can’t decide anything if she doesn’t know the full facts. To put her through all that pain and break up family for what. If no OW it was pointless. It’s not I don’t love my wife and family.

 

Exactly. Because, the only thing that matters is that YOU are happy. You will settle for your wife if the OW isn’t around - because, it’s not that you don’t love your wife and family... But really, why offer your wife the truth such that she know who she is really married to and can make an informed decision about her life if you don’t have to - why put her through that if the OW isn’t even an option anymore.

[Amethyst68]

After your DDay your OW tells you she wants a baby you then have sex with her, she also has sex with her BF and gets pregnant and subsequently has an abortion. You obviously thought you could have been the father based on your comments. What were you thinking? If she had kept the baby and it did turn out to be yours? What about the family you already had, the children you already have?

 

I don't think you'll do it but I wish you'd let your wife have all the facts instead of using her as a placeholder until the OW comes crawling back for her next fix and you throw your wife and family away again.

[BaileyB]

what’s worse managing how I am or letting the truth destroy things and cause a lot of hurt.

 

The truth will not destroy things and cause hurt. You actions have done that already, sir. You may not have felt the consequences yet, but you will. There is only so much you control, and your behavior is so outrageous, it’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out.

 

I’m not asking my wife, she has chosen, albeit admittedly without all the facts.

 

Your wife has not chosen. You withhold the truth from her because you know what she would chose, if she had all the facts. To keep her in a marriage when you have treated her so badly and put her health at risk, and then say “she has chosen” is absolutely ridiculous. It’s total BS, and you know it.

[pepperbird]

op,

I don't think you're as dense as you sound, which makes me think you are hiding from what you have done.

 

According to you, you were willing to father a child with this ow ( don't get me started on how disgusted I am by the selfishness of the two of you about that), which shows it doesn't take much for you to get involved with something that would have been torture for your wife, hard on your kids and incredibly unfair to the child who could have been the potential result.

 

Does your wife know about this? It wasn't just some fleeting "what if" thought, you actually went and slept with your ow and wondered if the resulting pregnancy may have been yours. Really, think about that. Does that sound like an man who loves his wife?

 

What do you mean when you say counseling made the situation even more muddled? What was the counselor's assessment of your situation?

 

I don't see a man who loves his ow. The two of you ( you and ow) seem to enjoy the drama of the situation more than anything else. You also both sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do and can't see past yourselves and what you want right now.

 

Finally, ask yourself this. If your ow called you today and said she was lonely,wanted to see you, might consider being with you fell time, what would you do? My guess after reading everything you wrote is that you would drop your wife and kids in a heartbeat if that meant you could be with your ow. You would both feed off the drama you create until one day, that wouldn't be enough. then you'd wax nostalgic about the great lady you gave up (wife) and wonder why it didn't work out. There is zero insight into your own behavior. It's all about you.

 

If you want a bit of insight, turn the tables. Imagine your wife came home tomorrow and said "honey, guess what? I was sleeping with another man for the past few years. More good news? He wanted to have a baby, and he wanted it to be with me. I got pregnant and I'm pretty sure it's yours...but it could be his. Don't worry though, I had an abortion.

 

Even better news? I am in love with OM, but to make sure it was the OM causing all these feelings and not just that I was doing a bit of bed hopping, I cheated on you with some other guys, and slept with them. I needed to know for sure I loved the om. Don't fret though, I'm here now and I do love you too."

 

Does that make sense to you on any level? How would you feel if the tables were turned? This is what you have done to your wife who you say you love. Is this how you love someone? If you still don't get it, just imagine it was your daughter on son being treated the way you have been treating your wife?

[pepperbird]

I It’s not I don’t love my wife. I do. And I’m not asking my wife, she has chosen, albeit admittedly without all the facts.

 

 

No, she hasn't chosen "you". She's chosen a character, the person you have allowed her to see. That isn't you. She doesn't even know you. She loves the character you have created in her own mind.

 

It makes me wonder if you even know yourself. who are you?

[BaileyB]

Pepperbird, I find it hard to believe that anyone could be as dense as this man sounds... which leads me to believe that he is well aware of what he has done and that’s why he will not tell his wife the truth of the situation.

 

OP, is it possible that the counsellor muddled the situation because that person didn’t offer support your decisions or enable your behavior? Did this person challenge you or ask you to consider some hard truths? You seem to me like the kind of person who refuses any opinion that differs from your own. You are very defensive, most notably with the whole “don’t judge me” warning earlier in your post - “I don’t want to hear any opinions or any comments that don’t support my position.”

Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB