Just need to offload

[pepperbird]

So all the frustration we see in his posts his wife can't see in his behavior, his words, his actions?

 

 

What "signs" would you suggest she look for? What did she miss? I have a feeling that if she was suspicious, you would lambaste her for pushing him to cheat because she didn't trust him.

Edited August 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Pepper, it's always a bad situation specifically because there is no foolproof successful way to handle it when there is a lying spouse in a relationship. And it's all too common. I've known extreme player men who just kept their social life and sex life going and married a mild woman who would willingly never question them and just keep blinders on and stay at home. So they could just keep doing what they're doing but still have someone to have a family and take care of the family.

[Moth1980]

Big words, it might just be as simple as you're selfish and self-centered, no pathology involved. Assigning oneself a disorder is just another form of deflection - "I'm sick, so what can I do?".

 

There's a guy I work with who, ten years after his sick mom's passing, is still using her disabled parking placard. When I called him on it, he said "other people have no way of knowing whether I'm handicapped, and there's plenty of reserved parking spaces anyway".

 

You seem to be his marital equivalent...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Quite possibly. Maybe I am self centred but then again let me ask you this. Who in this world is truly selfless. And is it selfish to make yourself happy? Does anyone honestly think when they get married, I’m going to cheat? Maybe some do but I never did. And yet here I am.... time changes a lot of things. And I’m not making up excuses, I’m not saying I’m any kind of good guy here.

[Moth1980]

Nowhere does it say she knows the story.

It says he lied to cover up his cheating.

She no doubt trusted him.

That is the problem with blind faith and love...

A devious man can get away with almost anything if his wife trusts and believes in him...

 

All very well to be judgemental of BSs, but with little kids, as here, the whole situation changes. Even if she is aware, it is not easy to just blow up a marriage. Kids do not do well in divorces.

 

I did. To be clear I don’t think of myself as a serial cheat. Never cheated before this ow. Then yes there were a few at the same time. Mainly as I couldn’t get my head around how I felt for the OW as there was no rational reason for it. Not cheated in past 6 months. And not for lack of opportunity. She knows some of the story not all

[SummerDreams]

She knows some of the story not all

Can you specify how much of the story your W knows?

[Moth1980]

Can you specify how much of the story your W knows?

 

Sure. She knows I had an EA with someone at work. And probably suspects it’s physical. She does know I slept with someone outside of our marriage too but not that it’s this same person. She’s still suspicious, and doesn’t like me going away on work trips but knows I have to as part of the job

[Mr. Lucky]

Quite possibly. Maybe I am self centred but then again let me ask you this. Who in this world is truly selfless. And is it selfish to make yourself happy?

 

Seeking happiness and some of the hedonistic tendencies going along with it need boundaries, for the protection of everyone involved.

 

I'd love to retire comfortably and pass a substantial estate along to kids and grandkids, but I'm not going to rob banks, carjack innocent bystanders or mug little old ladies to get there. I don't want the road to my happiness paved with bits and pieces of other people's failed hopes, broken dreams and pain.

 

So my answer to "is it selfish to make yourself happy?", would be at what cost, and paid by whom? You have two women in your life and, as far as I can tell, don't seem to be doing very well by either one of them. That's some "happiness"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SummerDreams]

Sure. She knows I had an EA with someone at work. And probably suspects it’s physical. She does know I slept with someone outside of our marriage too but not that it’s this same person. She’s still suspicious, and doesn’t like me going away on work trips but knows I have to as part of the job

 

 

So have you discussed about reconciliation or does she not care that much? Do you feel guilty towards your wife?

[Turning point]

Also, I don't consider his W wholy the victim. She knows the story and she chooses to stay. Why is she a victim then?

 

She's a victim because she made an honest decision to board the plane with him, only later to discover his stow-away side chick, and now you blame her for not jumping out of the plane? Their called soft landings for a reason.

 

Commitment is far more than simply a choice to be with someone. It has career, financial, medical, family, child rearing, and all kinds of other implications. People don't walk through life wearing golden parachutes.

 

Infidelity is at it's core betrayal - a con job. It is frequently not the only area of life in which a spouse is deceptive, cruel, abusive, or downright criminal. Persistent cheater personalities range across a scale from extremely selfish to sociopaths. Many of them deliberately trap their spouse in situations that make leaving extremely difficult or dangerous.

 

Cheating is NOT a love story - it's a tragedy.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Turning point

[Turning point]

... and paid by whom?

 

This precisely.

 

Cheaters might be picking up the tab on their forays, but the true high cost of cheating is paid both unwittingly and by force -by the children and spouses who's entire future lives are leveraged.

 

Cheaters know this intuitively which is why they lie, and hide. Their "happiness" philosophy burns in the daylight just as any vampire would.

[SummerDreams]

Are you saying a person who gets married could never fall in love with someone else?

 

 

I don't deny that his W has been cheated on and it's a tragedy. What is she choosing to do with this knowledge? It hasn't become clear by the OP yet.

[Turning point]

So not looking for any advice nor counsel, and if you’re here to pass judgement feel free just know that I don’t actually care what you think.

 

I'll refer back to you're opening statement' and the repeated question you've evaded each time: "What do you want."

 

IMHO the answer is control. You want to know how to regain control of the other woman's responsiveness.

 

You've managed to control your wife and lower her expectations. She knows enough to be very fearful, but not enough to make her angry - she's suspended in a state of inaction. Your children are essentially hostages at this point.

 

You were able to control the other woman for a while but, she's caught on to you and wisely moved on.

 

You've told us you aren't seeking advice, or counsel, and you don't care what people think... so, you're just waiting for someone to expound on that one little tidbit about weakness, how an OW thinks, and how you can tap back into that, right?

Edited August 14, 2019 by Turning point

[Prudence V]

I tell her I still love her. She tells me she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.

 

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. My sense is she’s cutting her losses, knowing you’re never going to be available to her the way she wants. You may love her (and I don’t buy this “limerance” stuff - I was told when my H was still M to his XBW that his love was “limerance”; we’ve been together more than 15 years, married more than 10, and I’ve not heard anyone claim limerance lasts that long....) but after all this time what evidence does she have? You’ve not left your W, gotten a divorce and made yourself available to her full time. So she’s take up with someone who offered that - even though he turned out to have to have only one foot in the R, too.

 

If you really loved her, you’d have shown her long ago, by leaving your M, and committing fully to her. You weren’t willing to do that, so she’s tired of backing a loser (she’s backed another loser, but perhaps she’ll cut her losses there, too) and moving on. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you had a chance to be with the woman you (claim to) love, and you didn’t take it. So you obviously didn’t love her enough. Now you’re stuck with your wife, whom you also claim to love - but clearly don’t respect. Maybe that’s good enough for her, maybe she’ll also cut her losses when she finds out more of the truth, who knows.

 

Rather than wallowing in self pity, perhaps consider how to act with more authenticity and integrity next time, so that you’re not left with regrets. You only get one crack at life. Don’t waste it.

[Mr. Lucky]

the true high cost of cheating is paid both unwittingly and by force -by the children and spouses who's entire future lives are leveraged.

 

You can argue complicity all day long, but I'd add the OW to the casualty list. They don't seem to get much "happily ever after" either...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Turning point]

.. I'd add the OW to the casualty list. They don't seem to get much "happily ever after" either...

 

I wasn't speaking to self-inflicted wounds born out of the mutual contract (balanced or unbalanced) that is an affair.

[Moth1980]

Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. My sense is she’s cutting her losses, knowing you’re never going to be available to her the way she wants. You may love her (and I don’t buy this “limerance” stuff - I was told when my H was still M to his XBW that his love was “limerance”; we’ve been together more than 15 years, married more than 10, and I’ve not heard anyone claim limerance lasts that long....) but after all this time what evidence does she have? You’ve not left your W, gotten a divorce and made yourself available to her full time. So she’s take up with someone who offered that - even though he turned out to have to have only one foot in the R, too.

 

If you really loved her, you’d have shown her long ago, by leaving your M, and committing fully to her. You weren’t willing to do that, so she’s tired of backing a loser (she’s backed another loser, but perhaps she’ll cut her losses there, too) and moving on. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you had a chance to be with the woman you (claim to) love, and you didn’t take it. So you obviously didn’t love her enough. Now you’re stuck with your wife, whom you also claim to love - but clearly don’t respect. Maybe that’s good enough for her, maybe she’ll also cut her losses when she finds out more of the truth, who knows.

 

Rather than wallowing in self pity, perhaps consider how to act with more authenticity and integrity next time, so that you’re not left with regrets. You only get one crack at life. Don’t waste it.

 

Hmmmm... what gives the impression I’m wallowing in self pity? I did talk to her and tell her I would leave but that I wouldn’t do it on a chance. I’m not going to break up a marriage and disrupt two kids to find out nothing is there. I love

My Ow but that doesn’t mean I would give up everything, and be so destructive as to divorce. If she said we would make a go of it then I would work through it. Otherwise I’m working through where I am. And where does it say I don’t respect my wife? She’s an excellent mother, and a genuinely good person.

 

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person who has gone through this in this way. I don’t hold any animosity to my wife, I don’t think she’s an idiot. But I have fallen in love with someone else. If respect means I tell her the truth and destroy our lives for potentially nothing, that to me doesn’t seem a very rational thing to do?

[Moth1980]

I'll refer back to you're opening statement' and the repeated question you've evaded each time: "What do you want."

 

IMHO the answer is control. You want to know how to regain control of the other woman's responsiveness.

 

You've managed to control your wife and lower her expectations. She knows enough to be very fearful, but not enough to make her angry - she's suspended in a state of inaction. Your children are essentially hostages at this point.

 

You were able to control the other woman for a while but, she's caught on to you and wisely moved on.

 

You've told us you aren't seeking advice, or counsel, and you don't care what people think... so, you're just waiting for someone to expound on that one little tidbit about weakness, how an OW thinks, and how you can tap back into that, right?[/quote

 

Think I’ve been pretty clear. What do I want. The OW. Ami going to have her. No. So I wanted to get my **** out of my head and down somewhere. Hence the need to offload. And no I don’t want to “control” anyone. If I did it could be easily done by blackmailing her with her other half?

 

And no. I’m not looking for that tidbit about weakness. Again think I’ve been clear. Wasn’t looking for judgement or counsel. Just somewhere to offload my thoughts.

[Mr. Lucky]

If respect means I tell her the truth and destroy our lives for potentially nothing, that to me doesn’t seem a very rational thing to do?

 

So if there's potentially a benefit to you, it's OK to "destroy" her life? The only quantifying factor is ROI to you?

 

I hope you see how stupefyingly selfish this sounds. Your wife and children are the people in this world you pledged to protect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I did talk to her and tell her I would leave but that I wouldn’t do it on a chance. I’m not going to break up a marriage and disrupt two kids to find out nothing is there. I love my Ow but that doesn’t mean I would give up everything, and be so destructive as to divorce.

 

And where does it say I don’t respect my wife?

 

It all depends on your definition of the word respect. You define it as “excellent person and mother.” But, respect is also a verb, not just a noun. And your behavior to your wife, has not been very respectful. Case in point, read what you have shared above.

 

If I tell her the truth and destroy our lives for potentially nothing, that to me doesn’t seem a very rational thing to do?

 

With respect, nothing about what you have shared seems particularly rational.

[pepperbird]

op,

you say you respect your wife, but do you really feel like you've been treating her with even a shred of respect?

 

If you want to evaluate your position with a bit more objectivity, try pretending it's your child who has come to you to say their spouse has been cheating on them. What would you advise them to do? How woudl you feel? What advice would you give?

 

I never planned to tell my kids their dad had been in an affair, but they found out anyway. They lost a lot of respect for him that day, and it's never come back. Mind you, he did talk to them about it and didn't try and lie about what he'd done, but the damage was still there.

[Moth1980]

So if there's potentially a benefit to you, it's OK to "destroy" her life? The only quantifying factor is ROI to you?

 

I hope you see how stupefyingly selfish this sounds. Your wife and children are the people in this world you pledged to protect...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yup. Incredibly selfish but is what it is.

[Moth1980]

It all depends on your definition of the word respect. You define it as “excellent person and mother.” But, respect is also a verb, not just a noun. And your behavior to your wife, has not been very respectful. Case in point, read what you have shared above.

 

 

 

With respect, nothing about what you have shared seems particularly rational.

 

If it was rational I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. But life isn’t rational. Think I’ve learned that through this. It’s easy to be rational and self disciplined when you’ve not been tested. And yes I’ve failed my test. Suspect I’m not the only one in history who has.

[Moth1980]

op,

you say you respect your wife, but do you really feel like you've been treating her with even a shred of respect?

 

If you want to evaluate your position with a bit more objectivity, try pretending it's your child who has come to you to say their spouse has been cheating on them. What would you advise them to do? How woudl you feel? What advice would you give?

 

I never planned to tell my kids their dad had been in an affair, but they found out anyway. They lost a lot of respect for him that day, and it's never come back. Mind you, he did talk to them about it and didn't try and lie about what he'd done, but the damage was still there.

 

Would depend on the situation and the child. So not too easy to seek solutions there. I think if my wife / kids found out then yes I’d talk them through it. But not before then. And edit. I would advise them or anyone else not to do it. But then again logic and morality says no one would. And yet it happens.

Edited August 14, 2019 by Moth1980
Amend on advice

[mark clemson]

And no. I’m not looking for that tidbit about weakness. Again think I’ve been clear. Wasn’t looking for judgement or counsel. Just somewhere to offload my thoughts.

 

 

You've chosen to offload in a place where there will be responses, though. So counsel, and in some cases judgement are sort of inevitable. Suggest you roll with the punches while you clear your head. You may find some of this feedback useful, particularly as your head starts to clear.

 

OW has taken her position, so perhaps once your head actually has cleared, it will be time to think about re-investing in your marriage? Folks here can help with that too...

[Mr. Lucky]

Suspect I’m not the only one in history who has.

 

And yet it happens.

 

How does that have any relevance to your specific situation? Does it make you feel any better? Would it make your wife feel any better?

 

Mr. Lucky