He says I am the only one he wants but won't stop talking to his ex

[carrie27]

I am desperate for advice about my relationship. To begin, we have been together for a year and 2 months. We met at work and started having drinks after work together and one-day things escalated. Since that day, we have seen each other 3 - 4 times a week with him staying at my place until 3 - 5 AM. He always insisted he had to go home because he had a strict morning routine and throwing that off would disrupt his day. I never thought much about it.

 

A few months after we started our fling, I found out through a friend that he had a girlfriend who moved here (Europe) for him (from the US). She quit her job and left her family and friends to follow him here where he got his dream job. When I confronted him, he said that she was here to do her Masters and that their relationship was not going well and they are more like roommates. He said that he did not want to get married but she was pressuring him every day despite his objections. He said that after her Masters were finished in 2 months, she will go back home and that since they have been together for 4 years, he would prefer to cut it off that way. He promised me that they do nothing a couple does including sleeping together. I believed him since we spent so much time together and texted nonstop when we weren't.

 

When the month came when she was supposed to finish her studies, I asked him once again and he said that she had to complete her internship for 3 months. I questioned why she doesn't move out and find her own place and he said she can't because she has limited income and does not speak the language. Also that the least he can do is let her go home with her completed studies in peace. We continued our routine, even went on a trip together before Christmas for a week and after he went to attend a wedding with her. He said that they had mutual friends and they RSVP'd long before so he could not get out of it.

 

After 3 months, he once again explained that her internship got extended for another 3 months, so at this point, we were approaching our one year together. It was always a new excuse: the extension, she can't let go, she won't accept it even though she says yes to moving out. But he promised me July is the final deadline. On a random day, we were together and she calls angerly. He immediately goes home. Then texts me that she found our itinerary we made for our trips. She left back home for a week. During this week, I stayed with him and he said that he was happy and he was fine that she left. However, she came back and a few weeks later, they went one a trip together. He explained to me that it was her last wish and that if that was what she wanted, then out of respect of the 5 years together that he will go. During the trip, he constantly messaged me saying he loves me and chooses me and begged for me to respond.

 

When he came back, he was a little distant and remained so for a few weeks. I finally got fed up and cut him off in June. We did not speak for a month (I ignored everything) until one day in the beginning of July, he bombarded me with messages saying things like how can I just cut someone off so easily like that? He left her for me and he said July but I didn't have the decency to even respond to him. He lost friends and a 5-year relationship for me. This really got on my nerve so I started to respond and while we were text arguing, she called me. She told me she knows that we have been seeing each other and wanted honest answers. I answered all her questions honestly. We then discovered that she had no idea that he was with me for a year and that he never tried to break up with her and that they did everything together. He was the one encouraging her to get her internship extended into a full-time contract, begged her to come back when she left for a week a few months earlier and told him that I was obsessed with him and he kept the itineraries and cards because he was scared I would report him to the HR. He promised her that we stopped speaking right after she found the cards although that was not true. She said he promised to marry her and that he was so in love with her and telling their families about their future together. She said she is leaving the country to go back home and she can easily get her old job back and be with her friends and family.

 

She left him that week and he reached out to me asking for 5 minutes for him to explain. I gave him that chance and he apologized but denied lying about everything and said that she also lied when she called me. He said a few days before she left, he threw a birthday party and got severely intoxicated. At the party, they went out to the lake and he fell asleep and woke up with one of the party participants (female) topless next to him sleeping. The crowd gathered and yelled at him and he got fed up of everyone yelling at him that he just said out loud that he loved me and his girlfriend left. After that, she left the house and stayed at friends and he asked for the keys back. He said he wants to be with me, he loves me and that's it and he will do whatever it took to have me in his life. I told him we can go slow but he has to be honest this time around because I cannot take any more lies and heartache. So I gave him another chance. It went well for a few weeks, he even told me he called her best friend to explain what happened and that she was understanding. He said he lost a lot of friends but those who stayed, he explained what was happening with us now. One day he started to act distant. I asked him if he was speaking with his ex. He said no. However it kept going and I noticed that whenever he was online, she would go online on WhatsApp so I knew it couldn't have been a coincidence. I confronted him again and he said no but my mother mentioned that she keeps contacting her and that she will probably reach out to him soon.

 

I felt like something was off so I decided to message her. I explained to her that he asked to start over and that they were not communicating but I feel that something is off and I do not want to be in this 3-way thing anymore and cannot handle any more lies. She told me that they were speaking for a few days and in fact she was in town and that they were going to meet for a closure talk. She explained what really happened at the birthday party and in fact, he didn't just wake up next to the girl but he was fingering her. He called her for days begging her to come back home, he loves her so much and he wants to marry her and that she can't quit her job and leave him. Since she blocked him, he emailed her begging, crying to her and even asked his mother to reach out to her to ask her to talk to him. Since they started to chat again, he told her he has not spoken to me even though in reality we were starting over already at this point. We talked about Valentine's day when he cooked for me and wrote me a card the day before and told me he couldn't do it on the day because out of respect to his ex, he wanted to just be at home even though she was out. Apparently, he cooked for her and wrote her a card so we probably had the same menu. Her birthday, he planned a trip with friends but he told me they were his friends and she came because she had nothing else to do but didn't tell me it was her birthday. After our week trip, he went to spend Christmas with her family and his family together and attended the wedding of her best friend. Not their mutual friend.

 

After the chat with her, I blocked him and wrote one final angry email telling him of all his lies and questioned what his intentions were here. Lying to her and me and going back and forth just hurting us both because he doesn't know what he wants. That his manipulations were so cruel and that he could've let me go at any time, especially since I brought it up and offered to leave him until it's sorted with them. I told him that he is a narcissist and that I hope one day he realizes that his actions have consequences and if he doesn't see this then he will continue to lose people he loves and that love him.

 

He wrote me an email back a few days later saying he had a response but it is unedited. I said fine to send it over and it was basically him taking everything I said and deleting it and blaming me for violating his trust by calling her. He said that he is happy to discuss in person exactly everything and to come completely clean If I am willing. We met and discussed it but he barely apologized and said that he didn't feel that I was not 100% committed to him. Again, we made up and decided to start from scratch completely and that she was out of our lives for good.

 

Through this, he has made improvements and we always have good times together. We even planned the next trip next week. However this week he told me that his ex contacted him to talk about what happened between their mutual friends and what has happened between her and his mother. He asked me if it was ok with me and I said yes, I am human and I understand that you can't just cut someone off after 5 years together. I asked him if he had the closure talk with her previously and he said I met with her to discuss what I wrote in my angry email to see why she exaggerated certain things and that was the focus of the topic.

 

He told me that he responded to her saying he has not been able to think about missing her and that he was getting used to life along. He said that he spoke and that was all he told her about us. He said he could consider seeing her in the future (with my blessing) but a lot has happened and things are different now. That it was important to become stable in their lives before seeing each other again.

 

I was very appreciative that he brought up the topic without me asking and that he was honest with me. A few days later, I got that same feeling as before and asked him if there was anything else he was not saying. He said that actually, he woke up with a text from her asking if he missed her, if we are still talking and that she was moving back here at the end of August. I asked him 6 questions:

 

1. Have you spoken to her on the phone in regards to the initial reasons why she asked to talk?

2. Now that she asked you if you miss her and you had time to think about it, do you?

3. When you intend to see each other again, is it the idea to give it time and to see if there is an opportunity to amend things?

4. This is twice now that when you guys started speaking, I have noticed it and I conclude that I am extremely susceptible to changes after everything that happened. Even though you believe you are being normal to me, I feel that you unconsciously prioritizing her. So do you think this figuring out/communication between you two will be an ongoing scenario? I need to understand how you feel towards her, yourself and for me.

5. I do not want to be a rebound. Are you open to really being with me or is this thing we have a way for you to cope/distract you from your situation?

6. Now that she is moving back here, does it change things for you? Because it does for me.

 

He responded saying that he is completely willing to stop talking to her for now if it is bothering me so much and making me crazy. It wouldn't be the easiest approach and on the other hand, it would have crushing repercussions and be devastating for her and come off as rude and hurtful and no chance she will get over it. But he is willing to do that for us but what is holding him back is that he does not feel 100% commitment from me. He is not scared it won't work out but cutting her off just like that would completely end the friendship he has or will have with her. That I have to really try and believe this would work between us not just now but in the future too. He said he does not proactively message her or entertain seeing her and he minds his own business and our life together is a priority. He messages back if she sends something not right away or happily but at some point he does. He is happy to put an end to it if he can get confirmation from me that I want a future with him and we can move on. She is not blocking us and he will not let that happen again.

 

He said they have spoken on the phone. That he does not miss her but misses the comfort of having someone around but its minimal as we always spend time together. That seeing her would be out of kindness and respect but not for amendment. He said he does not think their conversation will be ongoing since it has been 1.5 months and he never prioritizes her over me. I am not a rebound and he is happy to be more affectionate in public but naturally, he was never like this. Then lastly he told me that he is happy to tell me the truth and that he appreciates that I want that. He said he is putting a level of trust in me with things he has not told her. She does not know anything about me right now because its not her business and that she should know how he feels towards me and that he has explained he is happy to be friends one day and remain cordial but please for me to not call her and verify what he is saying to me or tell her everything he told me. If I must, there is a time and place for that but seeing that he is open and honest, telling her would be cruel and harmful. she is not in his life anymore and no lies around her and that is the truth.

 

I accepted his truth and have not reached out to her. I think it is mostly genuine and it is a big difference from before. However, I still have doubts about his relationship with her. They are online together and I feel that they are speaking more than he says. I don't understand why she would move back to a country she does not like, does not speak the language, leaving all her friends and family and support system back home that she was happy about for a job that she can quit and get her old job back just as easily without encouragement.

 

I asked him why we are 3 always online together and that I feel he is messaging her and me at the same time. It was infuriating. I also said I don't understand why you would lie about us to her and say we only spoke once when we are together every day. He gave me his house key and we are starting from scratch. Doesn't she deserve to know even if its not her business? I also said I don't know what you have to talk about every day? So he got angry with me and we argued and stopped talking for a bit. He called me back and said he wrote to her to tell her we are speaking and seeing each other every day. After that message, she called him twice but did not answer as he was on the phone with me and she messaged him but he didn't see it and will answer tomorrow as he will go to sleep.

 

However after I hung up, I noticed she was online later around the same time the last time he was on Instagram. So maybe they talked, I don't know.

 

I don't know how to approach this and I don't know if I should trust him and try to get over my paranoia or to go as far as to ask to see his phone even though he is making so much effort to keep me in the loop and be honest. He might give up and say I lie, I get cornered, I tell the truth I get cornered and just lie again. Asking for proof would continue to dent our relationship and he might get frustrated. I do want to make it work and I do want to learn to fully trust him again. I am committed and we agreed to be committed to each other. I know this was very long, I'm sorry. I hope you survived through it and can help me?

[basil67]

I'm sorry I have nothing positive to offer. My view is that you should have stayed broken up with him. You've lost trust - and without trust, there's nothing.

[d0nnivain]

Actions speak louder then words. You have always been the OW. She is the priority.

[hippychick3]

I stopped reading 3/4 way through because everything after is totally irrelevant. Why would you settle on being the side piece (and yes, that’s EXACTLY what you’ve been) to such a lying, cheating scumbag?

[Redhead14]

Anyone who is the catalyst for writing a wall of drama for online advice gets the boot as soon as I type the period on the last sentence.

 

 

 

Bottom line though is you are the other woman.

[Flame Aura]

This guy has played you for a fool from day one, and you kept running back to him.

 

 

You have never been his priority, and never will be.

 

 

Dump this loser once and for all if you have any self worth, as right now he is treating you like a piece of **** at the bottom of his shoe. Surely you are better than that.

[preraph]

He's been lying to you like a bigamist this whole time -- and her as well. He's just trying to hang on to two girlfriends, and yet he still finds time to finger strangers at parties.

 

You shouldn't listen to any explanations from him. She's willing to stay with him and he's not willing to be faithful or committed to you or her either one. It's a losing battle. Surely you can find someone better.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know this was very long, I'm sorry. I hope you survived through it and can help me?

 

carrie27, not sure there is help for you. You've bought the Brooklyn Bridge, invested with Bernie Madoff and enrolled in Trump University.

 

I'm not sure what this guy could do to convince you he's the cheat and liar he seems to be. You've busted him red-handed on multiple occasions - but here you are. You either have a fairly unlimited appetite for pain or a willingness to settle for far less than most people.

 

I'm not sure why you feel this is all you deserve?

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

I can accept that you were lied to and see how you could get drawn in but it didn't take you long to find out about his girlfriend. Why didn't that make you back-off?

 

Get away from this guy and get into therapy to find out why you are so easily influenced. If you don't come to terms with that character flaw there are more these incidents in your future.

[BaileyB]

You are clearly not the only one he wants if he continues to have a very inappropriate relationship with his “ex.”

 

Read my signature below...

[Beendaredonedat]

Again, we made up and decided to start from scratch completely and that she was out of our lives for good.

You made up with him and accepted him back after all the betrayal prior?

 

Please get the therapy you so clearly need which will help you with your fear of being alone. You MUST fear being alone if you would take back a total d-bag who has played you like you were a musical instrument.

 

You will never (and I mean NEVER) be the only woman he is having sex with. He is incapable of monogamy and it frightens me that after all he put you through you can't see that and just took him back like he was something good to have.