missingmybaby Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Dear all, Firstly thank you for taking the time to read my dilemma. I will try to keep it short but as detailed as possible. Me and my partner have been together for a little over two years now and we have lived together for just over one of those. I have children from a previous relationship and she has been good with them for the amount of time she has had a relationship with them too. They come to stay with us and she makes effort with them. There has never been any adultery in the relationship however she has turned violent to me on more than one occasion when she has been drunk but it was 6 months or so ago since the last incident. When we first got together everything was amazing and i felt like i couldn't live without her...now ever since we have begun living together things have changed. I was in a relationship for 10 years with my ex (i'm 30 she she is 27)and therefore have experience of whats it like to live with a partner but i am her first real serious relationship. I wasn't naive to think that when you live with someone the relationship changes and hopefully evolves into something even better. However since we have move in together things have changed. We no longer act in the same way towards each other as we did previously. We are not as affectionate, have less sex, we argue more and considerably less romantic. I admit i am part to blame of course but i feel like i am making the majority of effort in our relationship, say a 70/30 split and i don't feel its fair. Also this living together i have started to see the real person that she is rather than the person and soul who i feel in love with those two years ago. In my opinion she is lazy, negative and a bit of an attention seeker who is self centered (as horrible as it sounds). She isn't the person who i fell in love with at all and whilst she has changed throughout the relationship and as she has grown older which i understand i am not sure if i love or like the person i see every day? She admits herself that she has changed and isnt what she used to be and the woman i fell in love with isn't the same. Take sex for example...she has quite a wild past which i accept and she has been open about it, yet when it comes to me she very very rarely initiates sex or anything else that comes with it. However i know how different she was previously with past relationships so it gets me thinking is it me that the problem? or is it our relationship? She would also make the effort to be sweet like buy me something at the shops that i like, even complementing me doesn't happen anymore yet i still tell her she is beautiful every day! I am seeing her in a different light and i no longer look at her and feel about her like i used despite my heart wanting nothing more to do so. i used to feel like i couldn't live without her but lately i feel like in some way i would be better off without her and could start again...I don't see how being in a relationship with her is actually any different from being with any other woman in the world. When we are good its great, she is a great friend, the best partner i've had, and i know she truly does love me and i have never felt a connection like it before with anyone and we have made a life together with our house, her spending time with my kids, spending time with each others family etc. Am i being stupid? Is it me? or are there other people who have been in the same situation and what advice do you have? Any thoughts are appreciated! x Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) It sounds to me like the R either has or almost has run its course. Since your not married (whew!) and you don't like her very much, well... do the math. No point in being stuck with someone you don't really like LT. It sounds like she put on a bit of a persona at the start to "bag you" and as you say now you're seeing the real her. IMO this is very unlikely to get better as time goes by, unfortunately... I will add that it's my understanding that many folks "settle" for their LT partner, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. However, I believe it's "settling for someone who's not quite perfect" not "settling for someone you actually don't like very much". Edited August 9, 2019 by mark clemson last para Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 yet when it comes to me she very very rarely initiates sex or anything else that comes with it. However i know how different she was previously with past relationships so it gets me thinking is it me that the problem? or is it our relationship? She would also make the effort to be sweet like buy me something at the shops that i like Maybe she feels just like you do, she's tired of doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. Sounds as though communication is lacking. she has turned violent to me on more than one occasion when she has been drunk but it was 6 months or so ago since the last incident. More than a little disturbing. Hope you're not exposing your children to this toxicity... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 I'll give you the same advice I would give anyone. You should have left the first she was violent towards you. It will happen again and unfortunately may escalate. You should definitely not have your children around her. DV is never acceptable, doesn't matter if it's done by a woman or only when the person's been drinking! If she gets counselling and works on her issues then maybe you could get back together in the future but she needs to get real about her problems, until she makes choice no-one can help her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missingmybaby Posted August 9, 2019 Author Share Posted August 9, 2019 Thanks for the responses i appreciate taking the time to respond and help. I totally agree with the point of the persona aspect. She would even probably admit that herself and too an extent i guess we all do it somewhat to try and get the man/woman we like but she was a bit extreme. Its not that i dont like her as a person obviously i love her its just parts of her personality that i dont agree with, like the laziness the constant negativity, always focus on her and not me or us all that combined is what has brought me to how i am feeling As i said she was violent towards me twice and i did contemplate ending it then as it was a big deal breaker for me having had it in my previous relationship as well ( lucky me) but decided to give her a chance to change and since then there have been no instances of it since. i feel like i need to communicate with her and tell her how i feel and try to salvage it if we can. Any other advice would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Swingen Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 When we meet someone we tend to see them with rose tinted glasses. They show us their best side and we do the same. We look for things we need from them and they do the same. Often projecting those attributes on each other which may not exist. You've heard of the honeymoon period. That wild 2 years before it all calms down, well you've come to the end of it and are now seeing each other realistically. I agree with a previous writer, I'd have ended it the moment she turned violent. But if we put that to one side, you can't make her the person you want her to be. You can't bend over backwards to accommodate her, because she will take advantage of you. I can only base an opinion on what you've written, but it sounds like you've seen the person she is and don't really like her. Not all relationships work out. You are probably just not compatible. You should just end it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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