My brother and wife hooked up [before we were dating] (liars)

[Confused132]

Just found out my brother (also my best man at my wedding, ) and my wife spent the night together (in my bed) prior to us dating, i wanted to be with her at the time this happened.

 

I had asked my wife before we were married if anything had happened at all that night she said no. So she lied and my brother also kept it from me. Pretty much everyone knew but me. This would have been a marriage deal breaker for me.

 

After confronting her she says they fooled around but she is "pretty sure" they never had sex as they were both black out drunk. Not sure i beleive either of them.

 

Should i be upset and what would you do to deal with this? I am embarrassed and extremely hurt.

 

How humiliating, my brother and I lived together after my now wife and I started dating. She would come over and theu would act as if nothing ever happened. How humiliating.

 

This is my 16th year of marriage and I am considering divorce over this.

[Foxhall]

as the old saying goes- what you do not know does you no harm,

 

sometimes you are better off not knowing,

 

at any rate everyone has their little secrets, 16 years has passed,turn a blind eye at this point.

 

get over yourself, get on with your life and your marriage.

[MetallicHue]

Completely agree. Just move on. There are so many more legitimate reasons for divorce.

[healing light]

I know this must feel awful. Did your brother know you liked her at the time?

 

If your marriage has otherwise been a happy one with no major trust issues, I would be tempted to find a way to move past this. You weren't dating at the time, so she didn't cheat on you. If your brother knew you liked her, it was a dick move on his part. Sounds like both their judgments were potentially impaired by alcohol and then they decided it should remain a secret ONS because no good could come from it.

 

Obviously, it would have been ideal to have transparency from them before you moved into a relationship, but I would try to find a way to let this go if your marriage is otherwise solid. It was 16+ years ago, I'm guessing you guys were all pretty young, and at the time no one was in a committed relationship with each other...

[Confused132]

Pretty hard to hang at family gatherings and see both together now. I wonder if it was only the one time. Pretty crappy foundation to my marriage. Makes me wonder what other lies have been told. This is not a little white lie in my books.

[healing light]

Have there been signs of other lies?

[Confused132]

I asked specifically if something happened before we were married so I would not be in the spot I am in as it would habe been a deal breaker. They stole my choice by witholding information.

[Confused132]

There have been the old lies by omission ober the years much the same as this pattern. And I only find out when I ask directly. Makes me wonder what else I dont know.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would think it would be a lot more humiliating if you divorced your wife over something that happened before you were together over 16 years ago.

[Confused132]

So how does one get past the fact the two closest people in my life were intimate and kept a secret frome for so long

I look at them in disgust.

[Logo]

If everything between you and your wife has been above board in the last 16 years, I don't see a reason to dredge up the past, and that was before you and she started dating.

 

 

 

Yes, they were in your bed. Yes, they both lied at the time (or now?). Maybe they didn't want to hurt you, maybe they both knew that you and she loved each other so there was no point in ruining something good by telling the truth.

 

 

 

I understand that you are hurt or upset over the lying, but if it's been 16 years of a happy marriage, why stop now?

[MetallicHue]

They should have told you but it was prior to dating and 16 years ago. Now if you believe that’s not the only secret they’re holding Id understand. It seems like you’ve already made up your mind anyway... You’re effectively asking us to change your mind for you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So how does one get past the fact the two closest people in my life were intimate and kept a secret frome for so long

I look at them in disgust.

 

Well, would you consider them "kids" back then? How old are all of you?

[Inspire]

Now you want to lay blame and hold her accountable for something she did even before you two dated? I get why you're frustrated, I probably would be too. I certainly would have expected your brother to tell it like it is but he didn't. You have every right to be upset that they lied, but the real question remains, is it worth throwing away your marriage over this?

 

How did you find out and have you talked to your brother about this?

[Confused132]

I am just shocked that they would have lied. My two biggest confidents. I literally have nobody I can talk to about this now.

 

There was another lie by omission on an unrelated topic so I decided to ask a friend and they came clean. My brother and wife told their friends but I am the idiot who took their word and was deceived.

 

It would have been a deal breaker so why hide the truth for your own selfish reasons. So now this makes me want to rewind history and see what other lies I have been fed as a trusting husband.

[Confused132]

Pretty awesome my best man and my bride standing before my entire family knowing they banged. And I know nothing like a big idiot.

 

That is so insulting that i am worried it will chew at me forever.

 

I have an appointment booked with a therapist to see if I can get past it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Feeling betrayed, in any way, is a big shock to the system, and it sounds like you are in the spiral of that right now. It's OK to feel angry over the betrayal. Just try not to make any snap decisions while you're still feeling so much angst about it.

[MetallicHue]

I think going to a therapist is a good call. Seeing someone in person to discuss your feelings would be a good way to communicate. I find when I’m stressed phone calls / talking work better than messages or boards.

[Inspire]

Going to see a therapist sounds like a good call. Do you have any kids? Has your brother came clean or have you talked to your parents? Did they know about this?

[Confused132]

I have spoken with both at great length. Its funny everyone says it was so long ago, but when its new information to you its like it just happened.

 

I have to keep this a 3 way secret now. My brother is afraid his wife will find out and make it weird with my wife.

 

Its such a weird situation that i never dreamt i would be in. I would rather her of had an affair so at least i dont have to see or hear of the guy again.

[Inspire]

Ok, so what was his reason for not telling you when you asked if they had hooked up?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It is a weird situation. I can understand....a little. 30 years ago my first first date, first kiss, and first boyfriend was with a boy who, more than 10 years later, started dating my twin sister and married her. No secrets then.

 

Fast forward 10 more years or so and he hit on me. Twice. I never told my sister but a few years ago when my ex-H was mad at me about something (child support I'm sure), HE texted her all about it. It became a poop show.

 

They are still together. Their marriage is troubled, but for other reasons, not this.

[Confused132]

This is a major issue i have is your ex hitting on you is what guys do. They always think about getting with ex sexually. I bet my brother thinks about my wife or has in the past.

 

I have 3 kids is the only reason i hang in there right now.

[Flame Aura]

OP I would be reacting the exact same way as you - it's the fact they kept it hidden to you but everyone else seemed to know. It's not the act that's the problem, but the deceit.

 

 

I would like to say hopefully you can work through it... but if it was me I would probably end things, regardless of how well the last 16 years have been as going forward I would not be able to trust her, or be in the same room as them two.

[Confused132]

Its hard to be in a room together. I have never spoken to them about it while they were both in the same room. But i feel like doing it to embarass them. Fair is fair. I have a lot of anger. Always been 100% transparant with both of them now i will never know what lies they have told or what will be told.