My brother and wife hooked up [before we were dating] (liars)

[Confused132]

Well its the lie about the deed. To be honest its hard to say if i had married her if they would have been truthful. Why is it ok to lie to someone to get what they want? She should have told me (and brother too) . So how is this fair to me?

[Confused132]

So just forget the man that i always have hung out with secretly banged my wife? Are you crazy mr. Lucky?

[Confused132]

Lying robbed me of my choice. Bottom line.

 

Like i mentioned i am going to work with a therapist. Easy for many to say oh its in the past.

[Mr. Lucky]

So just forget the man that i always or have hung out with secretly banged my wife?

 

They were consenting and unattached adults. And despite your twisted verbal gymnastics, she wasn't your wife or your GF.

 

Glad you're seeing a therapist, maybe they can get to the bottom of this. As much as you want to drag her in, this is all about you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bobdobalina]

I can see why your heart has dropped it is a shocking thing to find out later in life but the other part of the story of course is the time the brother lived with you and anything went on while you were out without doubt they would of at least mentioned it so hopefully there's no more secrets .Was the first time just a one timer or did they have feelings or did brother knock her back on a relationship and you were plan B.

Now you have this co worker story ,i feel for you and your decisions you have to make.By the way is she upset or sorry for lying .

[schlumpy]

Does your wife know that you are considering divorce and what is her reaction?

[Confused132]

She knows I am considering divorce, she is remorseful. Basically boils down to she lied so I would not have broken off our relationship when we were dating.

 

So now I am in a bad situation rewinding all of the insulting things that have happened.

 

1. Everyone knew about what happened but me. I look at my wedding photo and my best man had sex with my bride to be and the entire wedding party knew abour it.

 

2. I am in disbelief that we all lived under one roof while we were dating. Both were wrong here, the brother should have never moved in and she should have not allowed it.

 

3. Now I dont know if it was only the one time or if there were other events.

 

4. Am I the runner up?

[usa1ah]

Probably because she knew what your reaction would be.

 

Confused132, she's not a possession that's somehow been devalued and you have no right to her history, sexual or otherwise, before you were together.

 

Makes one wonder what's really going on with you...

 

 

Seriously, you know this is exactly how workplace affairs start right

[usa1ah]

Having a lunch date with someone of the opposite sex every day during the week is not right

[Confused132]

Whats not right is omitting thats who you are with and never mention their conversations they had every day. Its strange.

[beatcuff]

Everyone knew about what happened but me. I look at my wedding photo and my best man had sex with my bride to be and the entire wedding party knew abour it.

so EVERYONE knew - a massive conspiracy to deceive you and not a single person for 15+ years stepped forward to tell you. and yet your anger is only direct at them?

 

Am I the runner up?

a drunken one stand BEFORE you started dating v 15+ years of marriage. Mr Lucky is correct - something is going on and IT IS NOT THIS.

[Confused132]

Mr. Lucky thinks i should just forget all of it like it never happened. Impossible when people deceived me on purpose. There are a wide range of emotions i am dealing with right now.

 

I really feel humiliated over it all.

[stillafool]

I can imagine how you feel. I doubt I'd want to have sex with my wife again or have anything to do with my brother. I'm sorry but I couldn't get over it and I'm a woman. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man my sister had sex with; that's just nasty. Who else in your family did you wife date before you started dating her?

[Confused132]

Part of me wants to believe they just fooled around. But O dont buy it. They would have told me that if thats all it was i think.

 

She never dated/slept with anyone else i know.....that i know of

[salparadise]

I can imagine how you feel. I doubt I'd want to have sex with my wife again or have anything to do with my brother. I'm sorry but I couldn't get over it and I'm a woman. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man my sister had sex with; that's just nasty. Who else in your family did you wife date before you started dating her?

 

I agree completely. Those telling him to just get over it aren't taking a moment to put themselves in his shoes and feel what it must feel like to him.

 

And the fact that everyone at the wedding knew except him makes it even worse. That part is just humiliating.

 

OP, I think your feelings are valid. What to do about it, well, that is something only you can decide. You deserve better, that's all I can say.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well its the lie about the deed. To be honest its hard to say if i had married her if they would have been truthful. Why is it ok to lie to someone to get what they want? She should have told me (and brother too) . So how is this fair to me?

 

It isn't fair to you. Who said life has to be fair? I've had more than my fair share of unfair things happen to me.

 

You have three kids! Sharing custody and paying child support is no joke, not to mention doubling household expenses by having two homes. Think hard about whether or not this is the cross you want to crucify your entire marriage to. Marital counseling sounds like a much better option unless there's been ongoing infidelity.

[BrennaR]

Consider this - she lied so that she could be with you and spend the rest of her life with you. That is indeed selfish of her.

[Confused132]

The reason i have been rational is my kids. I am trying to hang in there to see if "time heals all wounds" i dont care about child support, alimony and splitting everything. I just need to see if this is literally something i can live with and be happy.

[Confused132]

Yup lied to get what she wanted. I had no choice because information was witheld. She had a choice. Its disgusting to be in the same room with them together to the point inhave anxiety. But i want my kids to know their cousins so i still go to family functions

[BettyDraper]

This is a level of deception and humiliation that I could not get past.

 

I don't blame you for being disgusted and wanting a divorce.

[Confused132]

I am really hoping i can get past this. I seriously would much rather her had an affair where i would never see or hear of the guy again.

[aliveagain]

Doesn't matter when it happened, you just found out about it, to you it only happened 6 weeks ago. You have a right to feel angry, they took your choice away by keeping it from you knowing it would make a difference whether you married her or not. That is a huge lie to keep from you by everyone that participated in the deception. You need to decide, with the help of a really good counsellor, do the 16 years she spent being your wife trump what she and your brother kept from you? There is no getting over this until everyone does the work necessary to fix this. Since their honesty is a very key component I suggest that your wife and brother pay to take a polygraph because their word is no longer good enough for you. How else will you ever believe sex never happened?

 

You will never see your wife and brother in the same light again but with professional help you can learn to live with it if they are both remorseful and earn a second chance. There was a secret between them and your close friends, they kept it from you and now that you know they can never make go away. That is a consequence of their lies to you. There is no room for lies in a successful marriage. They handled this all wrong and now everyone is paying the price. The only innocent ones in all of this is your children. Book the polygraph.

[Confused132]

After the wife and I had a couple blowouts she said she cant live with me bringing it up again. So basically I have to deal with this on my own if i want to stay married. She is extremely remoresfull and shed many tears. It does not really help me out thinking that they had sex for sure. How many times does one spend drunk in bed with someone and it ends in only "fooling around" never had for me when i was single.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky thinks i should just forget all of it like it never happened.

 

Not true. It's an unfortunate event, something that occurs in almost every long-term marriage.

 

Mr. Lucky thinks you should forget about divorcing your wife, appreciate the good things you have and get on with your life. That you insist on dying on this marital hill is an indicator of other things affecting you at this point in your existence.

 

As stated before, a good therapist could help you past this block...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

OK. Your wife cheated on you and you are hurting. Let's not minimize that but it was 15 years ago. What are you going to do to balance the scales? What will you accept that will get you started on the healing process?

 

She wants to make it up to you or so she says. She full of remorse. She cries at the drop of a hat.

 

Divorce? I don't think you are heading that way. If you were it would already be on the table. Instead you are fussing and complaining. That's not going to get you divorce just frustrated.

 

What about getting some get out of jail free cards for every real and imagined tryst that they had? You could come home late at night smelling of alcohol and unfamiliar perfume. Bright red lipstick smeared across the newly washed and ironed shirt your wife provided that morning. You throw that card on the table in front of her, smirk and hit the sack. Man, would that feel good.

 

Immoral you say? What kind of a man do you think I am you say?

 

Ok, what about that pool table you always wanted but your wife said no way were you and your hooligan friends shooting pool in her house. Then there was the new fishing boat you had your eye on that she deep sixed with some nonsense about how she needed the kitchen remodeled. Don't forget how you pined for months over that new sports car that she downgraded into a mom minivan.

 

If there is something that you've wanted all your life that she has kept you from getting now is the time to get it and call it even.