My brother and wife hooked up [before we were dating] (liars)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

After the wife and I had a couple blowouts she said she cant live with me bringing it up again. So basically I have to deal with this on my own if i want to stay married. She is extremely remoresfull and shed many tears. It does not really help me out thinking that they had sex for sure. How many times does one spend drunk in bed with someone and it ends in only "fooling around" never had for me when i was single.

 

Are you on Facebook? Do you have friends who have had long term marriages?

 

I am on Facebook and I have a lot of friends in my age group celebrating around 25 years of marriage right now. (Many exactly 25 years).

 

ALL of their posts about their marriages include a message something like this: We've had amazing times and we've had absolutely terrible times and we've always stayed committed no matter what.

 

This is the nature of committed relationships. What your wife and brother did (by lying to you) was wrong. Nobody is saying it wasn't. But, people are imperfect, and the ONLY way to have a successful marriage is to be forgiving (if the person is remorseful and committed to no more betrayal). When kids are involved, this becomes even so much more necessary. People make mistakes. Sometimes we make HUGE mistakes.

 

Are you forgiving?

[Mr. Lucky]

OK. Your wife cheated on you and you are hurting.

 

Schlumpy, this seems like the kind of over-the-top statement the OP would make.

 

Confused132 and his wife weren't even dating when this happened, they were simply acquaintances.

 

How was he cheated on?

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

Schlumpy, this seems like the kind of over-the-top statement the OP would make.

 

Confused132 and his wife weren't even dating when this happened, they were simply acquaintances.

 

How was he cheated on?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky,

 

You are absolutely correct. From my point of view she didn't cheat on him because there was no recognized agreement to betray. I'm giving up on trying to change his mind on this point since it seems to be locked in and I'm offering an alternate solution so this man can get some sleep at night and his wife isn't harassed daily.

 

In my opinion, his sticking point is that his brother moved in with them after the marriage and had ample opportunity to continue casual sex with his wife based on their past romantic history.

 

Whether they did or not doesn't seem to matter if he suspects they did.

 

It's not going to end well if he can't find a way around this emotional roadblock.

 

I guess I was a little too much tongue in cheek.

[Confused132]

While I can forgive them for lying to me it is still very difficult to beleive anything they have told me about the past. I dont grill my wife over this daily, only twice. I silently struggle with it.

 

Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I did see a therapist yesterday and the biggest take away is that when you expect people to see things from your point of view you set yourself up to be disappointed.

 

I am going to struggle with the feeling of feeling like a laughing stock to many people I know for one marrying someone who was secretly intimate with my brother and then allowing him to move in with us.

 

You are correct in my feelings on having another man that has been with my wife living with me. Brother or not.

 

There is a good chance i would have still married her had i known however there is a 0 percent chance i would have allowed him to move in. Who does that? It looks so weird to everyone who knew and i look like a fool.

 

I am going to work on getting over the feelings of betrayal but i do understand why they did it. It does not make it right though.

[Mr. Lucky]

I did see a therapist yesterday and the biggest take away is that when you expect people to see things from your point of view you set yourself up to be disappointed .

 

OP, that sounds suspiciously like progress. Well done...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Turning point]

I did see a therapist yesterday and the biggest take away is that when you expect people to see things from your point of view you set yourself up to be disappointed.

 

It's much bigger than that.

 

Earlier in this thread you described your brother and (at that time future) wife as "your biggest confidants." But, that was all you wasn't it? They never agreed to be your "confidant" or hold your sensibility fragile.

 

Neither of them ever owed you an explanation of what transpired between them BEFORE you were dating. Sorry, they just don't. Not then, and not now.

 

I understand that this is a problem for you, but it is in fact - your problem. You may choose to divorce over this or you may brood indefinitely and become so intolerable in your resentment that your wife will choose to divorce you. Either way, that will also be a problem of your own choosing.

 

Learn to be grateful. You ended up with the girl you wanted. You even have the power to drive her away if you wish.

 

Keep going to a therapist but, focus on how to be grateful and to overcome your perfectionism. (Your wife is not Snow White and your expectations are unreasonable.) The issues here are not betrayal, or lies.

[Confused132]

Well you have your opinion. But i feel you are dead wrong. When there is sexual attraction with a family member, they acted on it and then moved all in with me. Thats a major line to cross. Pre dating whatever but moving another man in my house that i did not know may have F!@^÷# my wife IS my business. Especially when they told the world and not me.

[Confused132]

I now recall my brother oddly cruising around my place shirtless strutting in front of my wife. (Kind of ab flexing). It was weird the but i thought nothing about them have being together at the time just that it was weird. Sure think of it now as he was probably trying to f*^^ her or whatever.

[Turning point]

Why did you move your brother into your marital home?

How can I accept this circumstance as anything other than something that required your participation and approval?

 

It's also hard to overlook the phrase "might have" which is the pry bar you're using to dig this hole.

 

I get it. You feel humiliated because your brother got there first. But, you don't get to blame your wife for your sibling rivalries. Not if you want to stay married.

 

Is your brother older or younger, and do you feel like he walks all over you? Why is he living with you and your wife, and how long have you been allowing this?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

am going to struggle with the feeling of feeling like a laughing stock to many people I know

 

It looks so weird to everyone who knew and i look like a fool.

 

 

Has anyone actually ridiculed you over this?

 

As the saying goes, "You wouldn’t worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do."

 

The husband of one of my college roommates slept with another girl while they were dating (I think pre-engagement) and she doesn't know or at least didn't when they got married. "Everyone else" did. Nobody thinks she's an idiot or anything. They have a good marriage now so I guess all's well that ends well sometimes.

[Confused132]

Why did you move your brother into your marital home?

How can I accept this circumstance as anything other than something that required your participation and approval?

 

It's also hard to overlook the phrase "might have" which is the pry bar you're using to dig this hole.

 

I get it. You feel humiliated because your brother got there first. But, you don't get to blame your wife for your sibling rivalries. Not if you want to stay married.

 

Is your brother older or younger, and do you feel like he walks all over you? Why is he living with you and your wife, and how long have you been allowing this?

 

Are you even married? They originally told me it was just a platonic pass out place to sleep. Then i find out years later it was not and s&^/ happened.

 

Me being the trusting boyfriend/brother ate it up.i would not be cool with anyone who had relations of any type to move in with my spouse and i. Its not sibling rivalry. Its about respect.

 

He no longer lives with us.

 

You are so not rational on this i am not responding to your messages any longer.

[Turning point]

Its about respect.

 

How's that been workin' for you so far?

 

You are so not rational on this i am not responding to your messages any longer.

 

The thing about respect is that it's not bestowed, it's earned; which is just the tip of an iceberg your therapist was touching upon.

[Confused132]

Has anyone actually ridiculed you over this?

 

As the saying goes, "You wouldn’t worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do."

 

The husband of one of my college roommates slept with another girl while they were dating (I think pre-engagement) and she doesn't know or at least didn't when they got married. "Everyone else" did. Nobody thinks she's an idiot or anything. They have a good marriage now so I guess all's well that ends well sometimes.

 

Like i said before i would rather it been a full blown affair at least i would never see the guy again. I suspected something happened between them which i why i asked for clarification before it got serious. If one feels its none of my business she should have said that and i could have moved on. But straight up telling me a lie then everything tgat happened after is a bitter pill to swallow. I wonder if your friend would have let the woman her husband slept with move in with them......

[Confused132]

To add to this she had relations with other guys while we were just friends as i had some with women. It was none of each others business and i did not care nor did i judge her. Adults have sex all the time. Just this specific circumstance is a difficult one to deal with.

 

My therapist agrees with me 100%. We are just going to work on ways of dealing with the trama it has caused me.

[Doorstopper]

I am failing to see how you can hold yourself to any kind of high-horse of righteousness, while you are just as guilty of keeping that fourth member, with connections to this "love triangle", your sister in law, in the dark. If you have a right to know which members of your family slept with your spouse, doesn't she have the same right? That fact that your wife and sister in law are not related by blood is a very week argument.

[Confused132]

I am failing to see how you can hold yourself to any kind of high-horse of righteousness, while you are just as guilty of keeping that fourth member, with connections to this "love triangle", your sister in law, in the dark. If you have a right to know which members of your family slept with your spouse, doesn't she have the same right? That fact that your wife and sister in law are not related by blood is a very week argument.

 

Oh beleive me I am mulling over how to deal with that situation. I first need to deal with my own emotional/relationship issues before I open a new front. I dont think i can handle all of it at once as I am not in a great state of mind right now.

 

It has been only 6 weeks of processing all of this. There is much to consider about the other situation of the sister in law as well.

[usa1ah]

OK. Your wife cheated on you and you are hurting. Let's not minimize that but it was 15 years ago. What are you going to do to balance the scales? What will you accept that will get you started on the healing process?

 

 

The problem is he see the OM at every family get together.

Edited August 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[usa1ah]

Schlumpy, this seems like the kind of over-the-top statement the OP would make.

 

Confused132 and his wife weren't even dating when this happened, they were simply acquaintances.

 

How was he cheated on?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don’t think this is the point OP is making. He would have never married her if he knew she f’ed his brother. They both keep if form him but told everyone else. Why keep it from him only?

 

Was OP and his wife already talking about dating one another?

 

Still remains the issue. He would never had married her if he knew what everyone else did.

[usa1ah]

Confused, what is going on with the guy at work that your wife eats lunch with everyday?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don’t think this is the point OP is making. He would have never married her if he knew she f’ed his brother.

 

Considering he posted this...:

 

There is a good chance i would have still married her had i known however there is a 0 percent chance i would have allowed him to move in. Who does that? It looks so weird to everyone who knew and i look like a fool.

 

...it would be hard to agree with your conclusion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused132]

The guy she walks with every lunch was just omitted from our conversations. I asked how her day was and what did you do for lunch. You know regular marriage chat. She always just said oh i went for a walk. For like a month. Then i asked do you walk alone? And she replied hesitantly. No i walk with so and so. Who is a single male. Not that I care if she does hangout with male coworkers. It struck me as odd she never mentioned him or any conversations they had to me. I had to ask as it was omitted. If you spend a lot of time with someone ususally you would mention it to your SO. Example: oh today i went with so and so at lunch he is going kyaking this weekend.

 

So it led me to wonder what other details get omitted from my marriage.

[mark clemson]

What I get out of reading these posts is that two very significant people in OPs's life who he (and most people with brothers and spouses) would hope and expect to have his back, have deceived him for 16 years about something that is important to him. Trust is broken in a way that is significant to him and he is trying to figure out a way forward.

[usa1ah]

Confused you really need to get your wife to read Not Just Friends.

 

Work place affairs start out just like this.

Edited August 11, 2019 by usa1ah

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What I get out of reading these posts is that two very significant people in OPs's life who he (and most people with brothers and spouses) would hope and expect to have his back, have deceived him for 16 years about something that is important to him. Trust is broken in a way that is significant to him and he is trying to figure out a way forward.

 

It seems to me this has more to do with his pride than trust. He doesn't really seem to distrust her or his brother (except for the workplace walks thing). He seems to care more about what others might be thinking or saying about him. This is what he should work on with his therapist.

[Confused132]

Its more about betrayal and disrespect from both of them. There is definatly damage in the trust department as well. My gut is telling me there are more things being omitted as it seems to be a pattern.

 

Its funny it took me this long to see it as i blindly always just took everything at face value. I always disclose things to her (good or bad) and expected the same.

 

I am trying really hard to figure out a way to handle this and move on.