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My brother and wife hooked up [before we were dating] (liars)

Confused132

By Confused132,
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Confused132

Confused132

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It seems to me this has more to do with his pride than trust. He doesn't really seem to distrust her or his brother (except for the workplace walks thing). He seems to care more about what others might be thinking or saying about him. This is what he should work on with his therapist.

 

Do you guys think walking with your co worker and not mentioning it is strange? Now I am wondering if there is more and its trickle truth.

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schlumpy

schlumpy

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Do you guys think walking with your co worker and not mentioning it is strange? Now I am wondering if there is more and its trickle truth.

 

Considering what you know and her reluctance to tell you, you have a right to feel the way you do. I can only imagine what your mind is having them say while they walk together and my emphasis in on the word imagine.

 

You will never know. You could ask them both to take a polygraph but be aware that the results are considered unreliable.

 

Does she ever get herself on the edge of consciousness drunk? That may be a good time to squeeze out some answers.

 

Is it possible for her to find a new job and go no contact with your brother?

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Confused132

Confused132

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I am hoping the work thing is just an oversight on her part and mabye i am hyper sensitive right now.

 

As for my brother i have told him and her to no longer text each other regarding family gatherings and plans. We used to vacation all together however i dont think we will any longer.

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HiCrunchy

HiCrunchy

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I'm so sorry this happened.

 

Putting myself in your shoes I completely understand the feeling of betrayal.

I have a sibling and I can't imagine the hurt you must be feeling right now. If slept with someone my sibling had had sex with....well lets say the very thought makes me want to vomit.

 

I'm not sure how others here can't sympathize, but in my mind with holding that information is a betrayal, even if it wasn't typical sense of infidelity. This This isn't a random ex she was with before you, its your sibling, and as such they should have revealed that information to you and told you they had sex. You have every right to be angry.

 

Personally, I am not married so you will have to weigh if you want to work this out. Knowing myself, I would have to move on. How could I ever look at my SO and sibling like nothing ever happened? How would I make love to my SO in the way that I used to?

 

The choice is up to you, but it is a hard one and I sympathize.

 

Again, I am so sorry dear.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Do you guys think walking with your co worker and not mentioning it is strange? Now I am wondering if there is more and its trickle truth.

 

Yeah, kinda. I've been self-employed for several years and work in my house alone. But before that, if I had taken walks every day with a man I think he would have been a significant relationship in my life, even if he was gay or bi-sexual. If he wasn't?....hmmmm.....

 

I've worked with a completely asexual man I was pretty good friends with (brother/sister bantering type friendship). He's the only person I can ever imagine going on a daily platonic walk with, and we didn't do that (but I probably would have since he's totally asexual and gives off that vibe clearly). We went out to lunch exactly once, and that was when he treated me to lunch after my dad died.

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mrs rubble

mrs rubble

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I think it's a little strange not mentioning the co-worker and the lunchtime walks. I often go for a walk with one of my co-workers at lunchtime, however my husband knows all about it and he's even friends with him too, and his wife is aware, she also works at the same place (different areas.)

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Turning point

Turning point

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It seems to me this has more to do with his pride than trust.

 

I agree, and I further suggest he is grasping at straws in attempt to hold other people responsible for his own insecurity.

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Turning point

Turning point

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I think it's a little strange not mentioning the co-worker and the lunchtime walks.

 

I think not if the co-worker is insignificant to her, meaning the walks are coincidental to their mutual habit, not scheduled or routinely expected.

 

A better sign of trouble is when a co-worker they regularly and consistently talk well about, suddenly drops completely off the conversational radar.

 

That's when they've "caught the feels" and their ambivalence takes over. A WS doesn't even realize they make this change, and the BS often misses it.

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Confused132

Confused132

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I'm so sorry this happened.

 

Putting myself in your shoes I completely understand the feeling of betrayal.

I have a sibling and I can't imagine the hurt you must be feeling right now. If slept with someone my sibling had had sex with....well lets say the very thought makes me want to vomit.

 

I'm not sure how others here can't sympathize, but in my mind with holding that information is a betrayal, even if it wasn't typical sense of infidelity. This This isn't a random ex she was with before you, its your sibling, and as such they should have revealed that information to you and told you they had sex. You have every right to be angry.

 

Personally, I am not married so you will have to weigh if you want to work this out. Knowing myself, I would have to move on. How could I ever look at my SO and sibling like nothing ever happened? How would I make love to my SO in the way that I used to?

 

The choice is up to you, but it is a hard one and I sympathize.

 

Again, I am so sorry dear.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I have two severely damaged relationships. I have shed many tears over this. My brother was my best friend, and now i canÂ’t help but feel him and my wife held this secret bond right in front of me for many years.

 

It is my belief that once two people have sex I do not believe you can truly have a completely normal platonic relationship with that person again. There will always be an elephant in the room.

 

I know why they did not tell me and see their side but it still stings. They both agree I should have been told but the damage is done now.

 

I have more therapy appointments scheduled this week to help me figure out how to mend these relationships. If I cannot succeed in doing so my life will be turned upside down.

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schlumpy

schlumpy

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My brother was my best friend, and now i canÂ’t help but feel him and my wife held this secret bond right in front of me for many years.

 

It is my belief that once two people have sex I do not believe you can truly have a completely normal platonic relationship with that person again. There will always be an elephant in the room.

 

Because that is exactly what they did. They had a secret they kept from you and compounded it by moving in together right under your nose.

 

I believe also that once you have sex the relationship has changed regardless of any future behavior. That intimate connection always lingers. It's what draws spouses back to old significant others although many years have passed.

 

Are you still looking for the truth? Do you think you have found it? Your brother and wife are only going to admit to what they think you already know. It may take a lot of effort to get at the truth and likely will turn your world upside down.

 

Therapy on the other hand offers you an out. I'm sure the therapist will try his best to readjust your values so that you can slip by this incident and return to the loving arms of your wife and the familiar and welcome family ties that you enjoyed with your brother.

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usa1ah

usa1ah

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I agree with you Confused that a relationship changes once you have sex with someone. There is a connection there that will last especially when they remain close friends.

 

I really think you need to focus on her relationship with her coworker. This is where she can cheat now. It could already be a EA leading to a PA.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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OP I think it's very positive, and to a certain extent generous, that you are trying to work past this. Hope you are successful and, in truth, completely understand if you are not able to be. Hopefully you will be...

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elaine567

elaine567

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The brother and the wife were not psychic they did not have a clue that she would end up marrying his brother when they drunkenly shared a bed.

 

When people have ONSs they often say nothing as ONSs are not something to brag about usually.

C123 ended up dating his now wife and both the brother and the wife kept schtum as expected...

Few are going to spill those beans, even the friends that somehow found out did not spill the beans either. As who really cares? Was it any of their business?

People end up in bed for one night all the time and walk away and never speak of it again. The brother could have bragged and rubbed C123's nose in it as soon as he found out they were dating, but he didn't want to do that. That was actually the decent thing to do.

This was no love story just a drunken fumble... dead and buried was where it should have stayed.

 

This supposed "bond" over having sex may exist for people who had a relationship or an ongoing FWB even... but a ONS? NO way.

People can have sex and forget all about it the very next day. There is no lasting "bond".

 

The OP and some others on here are making a big deal out of nothing.

 

C123,

Yeah ruin your marriage and never speak to your brother, his wife and kids ever again...

Help yourself to that misery...

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Confused132

Confused132

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I suspected and asked before we were married because I knew it would matter to me later on in life and here I am stuck with a situation i don’t want to be in. With a one night stand you never see the person again much less live together. She had several ons as did I and I couldn’t care less. It’s a big deal when they lied to my face when I asked they should have said none of your business or the truth.

 

You don’t get it. I am emotionally damaged I am not out to crucify anyone in fact I am trying to deal with how I feel about everything.

 

I would never in a million years let a female i had sex with move into our home it is morally wrong......and it being a sibling is another level. My wife would murder me if that was the situation.

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Confused132

Confused132

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No special reason he did a bit of travelling and I had a spare room when he got back. There were a ton of other places he could have went. He had a good job and financial means to move anywhere.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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him and my wife held this secret bond right in front of me for many years.

 

Confused132, probably like you I've had sex with women who's names I can't recall. And give my fumbling approach to intimacy as a young man, I can guaranty they don't remember me. So I don't know about this sexual "secret bond".

 

It is my belief that once two people have sex I do not believe you can truly have a completely normal platonic relationship with that person again. There will always be an elephant in the room.

 

I've been friends for 40 years with a woman that, similar to your wife, I had an alcohol-fueled "one-timer" with. My spouse and I have dinner with her and her husband whenever they're in town. So far, no "elephants" in tow, I'm happy with my life and she with hers.

 

I'm always suspect of a position like yours requiring such absolutes to support it. Life in general and marriage in particular is rarely that black and white...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Confused132

Confused132

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I wish I was wired this way however I am not. It’s not as if I had a laundry list of items that would make a perfect spouse. This was the ONLY thing I had asked for clarity on.

 

What’s wrong with telling me oh by the way your brother and I had a one night stand just so you don’t get surprised then let me make up my own mind if it’s ok with ME and how I view the world. Especially since i asked, it’s not like i asked (or care about) how many guys she had been with, what they did etc. None of my business.

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BettyDraper

BettyDraper

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You are not required to justify your position to those who shame you for being upset.

In fact, explanations are just giving them more ammo.

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schlumpy

schlumpy

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It's about having control over your own life. His wife and brother stole that from him. By withholding information from him they pushed him in the direction they wanted him to go.

 

Granted, he may have taken that path anyway but now he knows he didn't really have a choice. The wife that wanted to share his life and the brother who didn't want a disturbance in the family force lied to him for their own selfish reasons although I'm sure in their minds it was for his own good.

 

I'm not reading about tremendous remorse on the part of the wife or the brother. It sounds more like - sorry we got caught.

 

His life will never be the same - why should theirs be? Why is he required to "grow up" or "get over it" and eat the crap sandwich they made for him?

 

I don't know how he will resolve this. I don't think he is seriously considering divorce but it depends on what kind man he is that will determine if five years from now this hasn't hollowed him out.

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Veronica73

Veronica73

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I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you can get past it.

 

If it helps any...I’m really not a promiscuous person AT ALL, but I certainly don’t experience this lasting bond with someone I’ve had sex with that other people are speaking of. If anything I try to forget it. I’m kinda like a light switch. Once I’m turned off, I’m completely turned off. And there is no “bond”. At all.

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usa1ah

usa1ah

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.....What’s wrong with telling me oh by the way your brother and I had a one night stand just so you don’t get surprised then let me make up my own mind if it’s ok with ME and how I view the world. Especially since i asked, it’s not like i asked (or care about) how many guys she had been with, what they did etc. None of my business.

 

Exactly!....

 

....I’m really not a promiscuous person AT ALL, but I certainly don’t experience this lasting bond with someone I’ve had sex with that other people are speaking of. If anything I try to forget it. I’m kinda like a light switch. Once I’m turned off, I'm completely turned off. And there is no “bond”. At all.

 

It’s the endorphins that are released in your brain during sex. Men lose the ability to chemically bond with their spouse after four or five partners. Women seven or eight.

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oldtruck

oldtruck

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Why? She flat out lied to him. He would have never married her if she was honest with him. I say give her a big FU and file for divorce. Why does everyone think it’s ok to lie about this?

 

Because she lied does not mean divorce is the mandatory response.

 

If this happened to me I would be just as upset as the OP.

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oldtruck

oldtruck

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Yup lied to get what she wanted. I had no choice because information was witheld. She had a choice. Its disgusting to be in the same room with them together to the point inhave anxiety. But i want my kids to know their cousins so i still go to family functions

 

You do have a choice you and your wife need to go NC with her

OM/your brother.

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oldtruck

oldtruck

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Mr. Lucky,

 

You are absolutely correct. From my point of view she didn't cheat on him because there was no recognized agreement to betray. I'm giving up on trying to change his mind on this point since it seems to be locked in and I'm offering an alternate solution so this man can get some sleep at night and his wife isn't harassed daily.

 

In my opinion, his sticking point is that his brother moved in with them after the marriage and had ample opportunity to continue casual sex with his wife based on their past romantic history.

 

Whether they did or not doesn't seem to matter if he suspects they did.

 

It's not going to end well if he can't find a way around this emotional roadblock.

 

I guess I was a little too much tongue in cheek.

 

You miss the important difference. It is not that she had sex with others

before she dated and married the OP.

 

She lied to the OP.

 

That took away his choice to make a life time decision because she

lied and hid the truth.

 

 

Now the most important point:

 

Some men that can never follow after where a certain man has

been there before him. In this case the OP could never be with a woman

after his brother was done with her.

 

Why?

 

How knows. Maybe the way the brother would trash talk about the

women that he took to bed.

 

That was a deal breaker for the OP.

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