My brother and wife hooked up [before we were dating] (liars)

[oldtruck]

It's much bigger than that.

 

Earlier in this thread you described your brother and (at that time future) wife as "your biggest confidants." But, that was all you wasn't it? They never agreed to be your "confidant" or hold your sensibility fragile.

 

Neither of them ever owed you an explanation of what transpired between them BEFORE you were dating. Sorry, they just don't. Not then, and not now.

 

I understand that this is a problem for you, but it is in fact - your problem. You may choose to divorce over this or you may brood indefinitely and become so intolerable in your resentment that your wife will choose to divorce you. Either way, that will also be a problem of your own choosing.

 

Learn to be grateful. You ended up with the girl you wanted. You even have the power to drive her away if you wish.

 

Keep going to a therapist but, focus on how to be grateful and to overcome your perfectionism. (Your wife is not Snow White and your expectations are unreasonable.) The issues here are not betrayal, or lies.

 

Best to keep past relationships private most of the time.

 

One of the reasons to spill the beans is when you dated and had sex

with your current BF's brother in the past.

 

Owed and explanation?

 

They were horny for each other.

 

It is one thing for this wife/GF and brother to not volunteer their sexual

past together.

 

But when the OP directly asked and to be lied to was and still is

100% wrong.

[oldtruck]

Do you guys think walking with your co worker and not mentioning it is strange? Now I am wondering if there is more and its trickle truth.

 

WW was not honest back then so how is she to be believed

and trusted with this co worker?

[Inspire]

OP, you've said you discussed this with both of them at length BUT you haven't said what was their reason for not telling you before? What did they say ... or did I miss something? Did your parents know anything about this and what do they have to say on the matter?

 

I agree with Elaine. A ONS does not necessarily equate to them having a "special bond". You can rant and rave, ruin what marriage you have or you can try to get passed this through therapy, time and understanding but it's not as if she had an affair with him. I am not saying it shouldn't hurt, but don't be so quick to throw away 16 years over this.

[usa1ah]

OP, you've said you discussed this with both of them at length BUT you haven't said what was their reason for not telling you before? What did they say ... or did I miss something? Did your parents know anything about this and what do they have to say on the matter?

 

I agree with Elaine. A ONS does not necessarily equate to them having a "special bond". You can rant and rave, ruin what marriage you have or you can try to get passed this through therapy, time and understanding but it's not as if she had an affair with him. I am not saying it shouldn't hurt, but don't be so quick to throw away 16 years over this.

 

This wasn’t a ONS. This was two people that knew each other before hand and continued being close to one another afterwards. This is the only time Confused knows about them being together.

 

Confused has stated several times that he knows she has been with others and it doesn’t bother him and is none of his business.

 

It bothers him because the person he had as his best man at his wedding unknown to him had sex with his bride.

 

Unless you’re into sharing your wife, who would knowingly have someone that slept with your bride as your best man?

 

Who would have someone you knew slept with your wife as a house guest for several months?

 

Let’s be honest here, we only have the word of 2 people that will lie with no problem saying it only happened once. After the cat was out of the bag that is.

 

To add insult to this problem, Confused’s wife is doing a daily lunch date with a single male coworker every day. I wonder what the coworker is getting that keeps him by Confused’s wife side every day.

 

If she had no problems lying about his brother, I am sure she won’t have any problems lying about her coworker as well.

[usa1ah]

Funny thing is this. I believe OP said he has only talked to his wife twice since he found out that they had been lying to him. During the second time they talked she blew up and said she can’t stay with him if he keeps bringing this up. WTH!

 

She is the one that lied and she can’t stay if he needs to work and talk it out?

So OP HAS NOT talked to her about it since then. He is trying to work it out on his own to save the marriage with no help from his wife.

 

So does his wife sound like someone that wants this marriage to work?

 

She caused the damage with the lie she told but wants nothing to do with fixing it.

 

Men and women that cheat often act like this. Coworker maybe?

[aliveagain]

Just found out my brother (also my best man at my wedding, ) and my wife spent the night together (in my bed) prior to us dating, i wanted to be with her at the time this happened.

 

I had asked my wife before we were married if anything had happened at all that night she said no. So she lied and my brother also kept it from me. Pretty much everyone knew but me. This would have been a marriage deal breaker for me.

After confronting her she says they fooled around but she is "pretty sure" they never had sex as they were both black out drunk. Not sure i beleive either of them.

 

Should i be upset and what would you do to deal with this? I am embarrassed and extremely hurt.

 

How humiliating, my brother and I lived together after my now wife and I started dating. She would come over and theu would act as if nothing ever happened. How humiliating.

 

This is my 16th year of marriage and I am considering divorce over this.

 

What is important here is what Confused132 believes not what we believe, this is his thread and he is very clear about two things, one, that if they had slept together he would not have married her and two, he is seriously considering divorce over the 16 year lie. So how does he learn the truth from two people who are the closest people to him but have lied to him for the entire sixteen years? They don't leave him many options other then accept their word or get a divorce.

 

They have put you in this position by withholding the truth from you, why? Probably because you would never have married her. You asked her before you married her if anything happened between your brother and her but she chose to lie to you rather then be honest. Your brother knew but chose to protect her over you. Your friends knew but none of them came forward. So here you are 16 years later with this dilemma and the only people that can help you are the ones causing the problem. What would I do if I was in your wife's position, I would do whatever it takes to save a marriage I wanted to be in. She caused the problem by lying to you, the onus is on her to prove to your satisfaction that sex did not happen. She and your brother needs to decide if her self image is more important then her marriage to you because you have made it clear that divorce is on the table.

 

The only thing that can save your relationship is the truth. This is not about who anyone slept with before you married, this is about the 16 years of lying to you. Lets stop hammering the poor guy, he just found out about their deception. If they can lie to you, they can do a lot worse. Like I said, they caused this and only they can fix this so let's hope they take you seriously before it's too late.

[Tristian]

What is important here is what Confused132 believes not what we believe, this is his thread and he is very clear about two things, one, that if they had slept together he would not have married her and two, he is seriously considering divorce over the 16 year lie.

 

After the second clean up on this thread I was about to make a statement to the very same effect so I will just quote for emphasis.

 

The Op created this thread to discuss his feelings on this topic not to seek our approval that those feelings are valid. That's for him and him alone to decide.

 

Carry on.

[Buffer]

Justfound out my brother (also my best man at my wedding, ) and my wife spent thenight together (in my bed) prior to us dating, i wanted to be with her at thetime this happened.

 

This is my 16th year of marriage and I am considering divorce overthis.

 

Morning Confused

 

Sorry to hear of your plight, may I ask how they did both justify the reason for the 16 years of lies?

 

I could understand if it was years before you both met, then when you introduced them 'Woops'. 'I know you'.

But not once you had already met, even if you weren’t dating.

 

There is a lot more to this and requires further discussion between the three of you (individually of course).

 

I would tell your brother’s wife she has the right to know how deceptive both he and your wife can be, pertaining to their ptior relationship.

 

Do you know how long it continued for (one off, a few drunken nights etc) or couldit have continued on up to or after the wedding?

 

I do understand your thoughts of does she compare you both as lovers etc. Even ifshe doesn’t you need to be reassured.

 

She and he have both proved they are not truthful and cannot be trusted withanything pertaining to their relationship.

 

Has your marriage been founded on a deception? If so then if it was building it maycollapse.

 

Just out of curiosity how old are your little ones?

Edited August 17, 2019 by Buffer
Went to custard

[Clockwork]

Just found out my brother (also my best man at my wedding, ) and my wife spent the night together (in my bed) prior to us dating, i wanted to be with her at the time this happened.

 

I had asked my wife before we were married if anything had happened at all that night she said no. So she lied and my brother also kept it from me. Pretty much everyone knew but me. This would have been a marriage deal breaker for me.

 

After confronting her she says they fooled around but she is "pretty sure" they never had sex as they were both black out drunk. Not sure i beleive either of them.

 

Should i be upset and what would you do to deal with this? I am embarrassed and extremely hurt.

 

How humiliating, my brother and I lived together after my now wife and I started dating. She would come over and theu would act as if nothing ever happened. How humiliating.

 

This is my 16th year of marriage and I am considering divorce over this.

 

 

 

One of the worst things to get over is betrayal. This is why children get as upset as they do when their parents divorce for example. Betrayal is a horrible thing to have to experience. Quite possibly the two closest people that you are supposed to trust more than anyone in the world held onto a secret from you for 16 years. This was cowardly of them. One of them should have come clean a long time ago.

 

 

To the people who are saying "move on it was 16 years ago"...........yeah, right. It isn't that easy. Now, I think a marriage can be salvaged despite this, you have to both be willing to make it work through honesty and forgiveness. However, you can't just brush this under the rug like it never happened. The potential one night stand is actually not the worst thing about this, it is that they never had enough respect for you to tell you about this.

[Confused132]

I appreciate the comments and thoughts of most posters here. Some may not truly understand how this affects someone.

 

The best way I can explain things is I want so stay with my wife and family however I struggle with the way the primitive side of my brain functions, this is not something I can just shut off and move on. It is going to take time to reshape my thought process on this topic and learn to accept what happened.

 

What happened was not my fault, I did my best pre-marriage to ensure I would not be dealing with this situation. Call me naive for believing my wife that she never had sex with a man she spent the night with. When you love someone you tend to beleove them.

 

Call me childish, immature it does not matter. I am hard wired to believe that its strange to be with a woman your brother bedded. My wife knew who i was before marriage and if she did not like it she should not have married me.

 

My kid are 15, 12 and 11. I am working extremely hard to move past this.

 

A part of me literally died when i was told what happened. I was physically ill. This is not me being malicious and painting people as evil.

 

This is me trying to deal with how my thought process of 40 plus years works. If I cannot figure out a way of accepting this truth i need to leave.

Edited August 18, 2019 by Confused132

[Confused132]

Do you know how long it continued for (one off, a few drunken nights etc) or couldit have continued on up to or after the wedding?

 

I do understand your thoughts of does she compare you both as lovers etc. Even ifshe doesn’t you need to be reassured.

 

She and he have both proved they are not truthful and cannot be trusted withanything pertaining to their relationship.

 

Has your marriage been founded on a deception? If so then if it was building it maycollapse.

 

Just out of curiosity how old are your little ones?

 

She never told me because she knew I would have broke it off and she loved me so much she didnt want to chance it.

 

I do believe it was the one time, but I 100% dont believe it was the last advance my brother made at her.

 

No one in my family knows about this and I am aiming to keep it this way. I dont want my kids finding out their mom had sex with their uncle. It would make things super awkward for them.

 

This is another reason I am trying to figure out how to cope. I refuse to hurt my children. I would rather suffer in silence.

 

I am most likely just going to keep moving on with a brave happy face on the outside but dead on the inside.

 

So dont worry Turning Point. You dont have to feel sorry for my wife. She got what she wanted and I will just smile and keep moving

Edited August 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Timshel]

Irreconcilable differences is what most people have on their divorce file....no details.

This is your life Confused, there are other people involved (your children) but all people involved will always depend upon and respect your integrity.

 

Don't let yourself get lost.

 

Is she still having lunches with her lunch friend? I don't know from your posts that any person close to you understands that your trust has been shattered.

File for divorce. You do not have to go through with it, though you may. If your do not, make marital counseling a contingency of reconciliation.

[Flame Aura]

 

I am most likely just going to keep moving on with a brave happy face on the outside but dead on the inside.

No no and no! This is the worst thing you can do. You need to accept the fact that you will NEVER be able to trust your wife again or look at her or your brother the same.

 

 

Start filing for divorce now so you can live the rest of your life happy with someone else. We only have one, don't waste it being dead on the inside because of someone else's selfish actions.

[Sparta]

@Confused123 Right from the start of your post I could see why you would have a problem with being deceived and lied to for the whole existence of your marriage from what I understand your brother probably kept up hey sexual relationship with your wife you don’t know how long. The fact that she has a coworker that she walks every day at lunch and just happens to never mention anything about it, The fact that you asked her and she purposely did not mention him.! This warrants not just a red flag The odds are that you can pretty much guarantee your brother and WW had more then a drunken and one night stand. Then you need to find out what’s really going on at lunch with single male coworker. Where there’s smoke there’s a big fire in your case. I know you mentioned this earlier “what else has she been lying and deceiving your whole marriage all these years.” From what being a long-term member on the Sites it doesn’t look good for you buddy I would run for the hills.

Edited August 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[BettyDraper]

Your wife comes across as a very deceitful and selfish woman.

[usa1ah]

Is your wife still doing lunch with her single male coworker?

[Buffer]

She never told me because she knew I would have broke it off and she loved me so much she didnt want to chance it.

 

So she let you build your marriage on a lie. This isn’t a excuse you can just or should accept.

 

I do believe it was the one time, but I 100% dont believe it was the last advance my brother made at her.

 

Has he or she told you this can you tell him to back off?

 

 

This is another reason I am trying to figure out how to cope. I refuse to hurt my children. I would rather suffer in silence.

 

I am most likely just going to keep moving on with a brave happy face on the outside but dead on the inside. You dont have to feel sorry for my wife. She got what she wanted and I will just smile and keep moving

 

Well brother I can only say please don’t suppress the hurt, your feeling etc, that is not good for you. It isn’t healthy or fair.

 

You need more information, as well you need her to step up to the plate and tell you how she is going to make you feel safe when they are together. Presently she is not a safe marriage partner as she is a proven untruthful person, so is your brother. Even if it was a one night stand so long ago, you were denied the capacity to make the relationship call right from the start due to the miss truth.

[Confused132]

Is your wife still doing lunch with her single male coworker?

 

No she is not to my knowledge. I took a job which has me working out of town a lot, so really I just need to learn to trust her somehow.

[schlumpy]

No she is not to my knowledge. I took a job which has me working out of town a lot, so really I just need to learn to trust her somehow.

 

It's not a matter of you learning anything. It's up to her to get you to a safe place in your marriage. If she's unwilling to do that, then you have a marriage of convenience only.

[Turning point]

It's not a matter of you learning anything. It's up to her to get you to a safe place in your marriage.

 

When did safety become a one person job?

 

Each thing the OP represents is preceded by the words: "I believe.." This is itself unsafe because the entitlement to believe what we want does not absolve us of responsibility should our beliefs turn out to be the source of our own misery. Martyrdom is over rated.

[Mrs._December]

After the wife and I had a couple blowouts she said she cant live with me bringing it up again. So basically I have to deal with this on my own if i want to stay married. She is extremely remoresfull and shed many tears. It does not really help me out thinking that they had sex for sure. How many times does one spend drunk in bed with someone and it ends in only "fooling around" never had for me when i was single.

STOP confusing regret with remorse!!!!

 

She regrets that you found out! And her tears are for herself, not you! If she gave a rat's ass about YOUR feelings, she would have never lied to you in the first place and she sure as HELL wouldn't have allowed you to be humiliated the way she allowed you to be 16 years ago at your wedding (and at every family gathering you've had for the last 16 years, as well!)

 

This liar doesn't even know the MEANING of the word remorse.

[usa1ah]

No she is not to my knowledge. I took a job which has me working out of town a lot, so really I just need to learn to trust her somehow.

 

I don’t think you can learn to trust anyone. She has to earn it.