I think my mom is being pathetic.

[Vanity1]

Tell me if I'm being too harsh on my mom.

 

Basically, her and my dad have been married 30 years. A couple years ago they had a big fight, for whatever reason she thought he was cheating on her. She did pathetic things such as calling random numbers from his phone which one happened to be one of his male co workers...that humiliated my dad. My mom just made herself go insane to the point where she drank one night, went to bed, and randomly started screaming waking up everyone in the house, we were concerned and we called the ambulance- that's not even half of it- it got really bad between them . Now fastward 5 years later she's pulling the same thing. Somehow she was tracking his phone, and she tripped out on him because he went to get breakfast before work. He ended up smashing his phone. Now today I caught her snooping in his phone and told her she was too old for that. Our convo short, basically her instincts are telling her somethings off, he's not telling her something.

 

And she puts us kids in the middle because she has no friends, nor has she had a job in 15 years, she doesn't drive----- she pulls no weight or helps my dad with anything. Therefore my dad has to work, like crazy. He did an awesome job with us kids, he managed to work and work overtime while making sure my brothers who play AAA attended all their hockey practices, and games. And if you know anything about AAA hockey there's a lot of travelling - he had to do it all with two boys, on different teams while she just sat back and enjoyed the games.

 

I tell u all that to say this, is that why I'm hardly caring for her feelings? She's annoying me. I think she's acting pathetically and needs to do something with her life and stop obsessing over my dad. My thoughts are so harsh on her I'm feeling bad for not feeling sorry for her. And I'm not sure why that is and I was hoping someone could help me figure out my feelings. Or how I should be acting. Or how I could help her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I get where you are coming from. I was kinda fed up with my mom when my dad cheated on her (about 18-20 years ago) so I wasn't even angry at my dad about it. She was super hard to deal with back then. (She's way better now)

 

Is your mom going through menopause? Has she ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder or depression/anxiety?

[Vanity1]

I get where you are coming from. I was kinda fed up with my mom when my dad cheated on her (about 18-20 years ago) so I wasn't even angry at my dad about it. She was super hard to deal with back then. (She's way better now)

 

Is your mom going through menopause? Has she ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder or depression/anxiety?

 

It's too much, now she's stressing out my younger brother. She's like a child. she does nothing with her life. And stresses everyone else out. I should feel more caring about her especially with her ending up in the hospital last time. I am always a bitch to her because of who she is. I just want her to be more independent. She a attention seeking child. Honestly I can't really explain it. A lot of it is, I'm impatient with her because as a kid she was that way to me, always brushing me off. That might be some of the reasoning.

 

Yes she's going through menopause. No I don't think she's been diagnosed with any of those. I do think she has depression and anxiety. Should I approach her about that?

Edited August 9, 2019 by Hurtx10

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Should I approach her about that?

 

Well, maybe kindly....not "being a bitch" like you said you usually are to her....

[Springsummer]

what are you going to do if you have no job, no friends, no hobbies and don't drive? but create drama.

[Vanity1]

what are you going to do if you have no job, no friends, no hobbies and don't drive? but create drama.

 

I'd geta hobby, find a job and take the bus if I had to.

 

Bla so mentally exhausting.

 

 

so are u saying that u think that she is creating drama out of bordom.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Hurtx10

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'd geta hobby, find a job and take the bus if I had to.

 

Bla so mentally exhausting.

 

 

so are u saying that u think that she is creating drama out of bordome?

 

I'd argue her mental health issues prevent her from doing all of those other things (not the other way around).

[Vanity1]

I'd argue her mental health issues prevent her from doing all of those other things (not the other way around).

 

Well, we can't say that she has mental issues. We aren't doctors.

Mind you, she's had jobs before. She held the same job for 15 years, so it's not like she's not capable, office work, with clients. Also, there's people who are able to get a job and do things, who have mental issues.

[basil67]

What you describe sounds like mental health issues to me. Sure, we can't diagnose, but she needs help.

 

What evidence do you have that your dad didn't cheat? Proving fidelity is nearly impossible.

[Vanity1]

What you describe sounds like mental health issues to me. Sure, we can't diagnose, but she needs help.

 

What evidence do you have that your dad didn't cheat? Proving fidelity is nearly impossible.

 

Which part makes you think it’s mental issues? The lack of motivation? Or how she’s acting toward my dad?

 

She has no evidence that he did cheat, she’s going off her instincts.

Says her. I’ve caught her going on 411 looking for names or numbers from people that call the house or numbers she found on his phone. She drives herself nuts. There was one point where I was going through something myself with someone and was emotional and she accused me of helping my dad hide something, she assumed my emotions and saddness was from having to hide something for him. It had nothing to do with them. In fact my dad never involves us kids with their ****.

 

I think if she Did something with her day, she would be in a better mind space.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Hurtx10

[schlumpy]

I'm going to assume that there is no valid reason for your mother's "gut feeling" that dad is stepping out.

 

Her behavior suggests to me that she has fears of being abandoned. Did she have a traumatic event when she was a young girl that involved a scenario where one of her parents left or she had to stay with relatives for awhile?

 

When and emotional trauma happens in your childhood it can cause you to become emotionally stuck and you carry those feelings on into your adult life.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, we can't say that she has mental issues. We aren't doctors.

 

Well, no, but you're here asking for input and those of us who have dealt with similar things/people in our lives are offering our input based on life experience.

[Vanity1]

I'm going to assume that there is no valid reason for your mother's "gut feeling" that dad is stepping out.

 

Her behavior suggests to me that she has fears of being abandoned. Did she have a traumatic event when she was a young girl that involved a scenario where one of her parents left or she had to stay with relatives for awhile?

 

When and emotional trauma happens in your childhood it can cause you to become emotionally stuck and you carry those feelings on into your adult life.

 

Yes her dad had the same mistress for 30 years, till he died.

Her dad and mom still lived with each other while he had the girlfriend. Always arguing in the house.

[spiderowl]

I can see you are firmly in your Dad's camp on all this. It may be justified, we don't know.

 

It is impossible for us to know if your Mum's gut feeling about your Dad cheating is true or not.

 

You seem very scathing of your mum. From the sound of it, you see no redeeming features. You also say you are horrible to her. Why treat her like this? If her behaviour is due to lack of another focus or to mental illness, I am not sure that either reason justifies treating her badly.

 

When did you take your dad's side on things? How long has it been that you have looked down on your mum like this? I wonder when it all started.

 

Your mum may have major problems that are difficult for anyone to deal with, but does it help for you and she to be so alienated from each other? It sounds a very unhappy situation all round. It must be hurtful to her too, to feel so disrespected by her daughter.

 

What happened to make you feel so angry and at odds with your mother. It seems you are unable to find anything to like about her.

[basil67]

Well, we can't say that she has mental issues. We aren't doctors.

Mind you, she's had jobs before. She held the same job for 15 years, so it's not like she's not capable, office work, with clients. Also, there's people who are able to get a job and do things, who have mental issues.

 

>>My mom just made herself go insane to the point where she drank one night, went to bed, and randomly started screaming waking up everyone in the house, we were concerned and we called the ambulance- that's not even half of it- it got really bad between them . Now fastward 5 years later she's pulling the same thing. <<

 

This ^^ sounds very much like mental health issues. If a member of my own family started to behave this way, I'd seek help for them.

 

Honestly, I think you need to move out. You're going nuts living with her, and your rude behaviour towards her would only be exacerbating the issues she already has. Break the cycle

[pepperbird]

op,

it's not always easy for a son or daughter to accept that their parent is engaging in some crap behavior. I could be very wrong, but I really do think there is a lot more going on that you realize. I think your dad either cheated in the past and she caught him, or he is cheating now.

 

In the end, maybe it doesn't matter. You're an adult, and if you feel her behavior is inappropriate, you have the right to tell her. I would take her aside and let her know how her behavior is making you feel. If you're concerned about her mental health, there may not be much you can do other than try and talk to her about this. She's an adult, and will do whatever she's going to do.

[schlumpy]

I could be very wrong, but I really do think there is a lot more going on that you realize. I think your dad either cheated in the past and she caught him, or he is cheating now.

 

I'll never know if he was cheating but if he is or was why doesn't mom put the evidence on the table? It could improve her relationship with her daughter. Is there something that you see or can relate to that allows you offer this opinion?

I don't always live by the credo - Innocent until proven guilty.

[Foxhall]

Interesting you say she had no job for 15 years,

 

would you not call housework and rearing you kids a pretty big job?

 

well you have all grown up now and basically she has nothing to do,she may have felt caged in with all this anyway and hence the screaming (a person needs to vent at times and is allowed get frustrated)

 

its looks likely she has always carried a degree of insecurity anyway

 

similarly encouraging her to take up activities, perhaps card games like bridge, golf perhaps, hobbies of a social nature,

could you offer to drive her to some of these places- do something practical to help get her started.

 

has your father any plans for them to go travelling in their retirement and so on,he may not be giving her enough attention either and you are ignorant of that

 

I think perhaps you all could do a little more for her.

[Rayce]

Yes her dad had the same mistress for 30 years, till he died.

Her dad and mom still lived with each other while he had the girlfriend. Always arguing in the house.

 

This is why your mom is having gut feelings... it was what she was taught by her own mom. Imagine how stressful that must of been for her. I agree with schlumpy that she has fears of being abandoned. Be kind to her... you only get one mom. peace.

Edited August 13, 2019 by Rayce

[preraph]

i don't know that she has mental health issues. Just because you reach a breaking point doesn't mean you're mentally ill. I think your dad is contributing to keeping her in the dark and a lot of men will cheat and women's instincts are very good for that sort of thing.

 

I think she needs to, first, get a full-time job and sock some money away and then leave your dad once she's financially stable since they're not happy.

[Prudence V]

Tell me if I'm being too harsh on my mom.

 

Your mom may have mental health issues (as others have claimed) or she may simply be toxic. Either way, it doesn’t sound like a healthy space for any of you. Can you move out?

 

Your dad needs to make his own call about whether to continue enabling her behaviour or not. That’s his decision. But by staying caught in the middle of it, your continuing to expose yourself to toxic behaviour you don’t need.

 

I cut all ties with my toxic mother once I realised she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, change. It was necessary for my own mental health, and that of my own family. (I did visit her on her deathbed after being persuaded by a family member, but that was not a good decision and I wish I hadn’t.) You may find yourself needing to do the same.

[Vanity1]

Interesting you say she had no job for 15 years,

 

would you not call housework and rearing you kids a pretty big job?

 

Considering we were pretty much grown when she stopped working, no I don't consider house work a job- not much to clean. She didn't do anything for me, I made my own breakfast, chores, by the age of 6. When I got my period she didn't even know for a whole year, until she found my socks full of blood- anytime I needed anything it was a big deal to the point where I felt I couldn't even go to her for that. Rearing us kids, my dad pretty much did most of it.

 

I do try to do things with her, but it seems like she only feels happiness with my dad. Even when she goes out with her sister her attitude is just blah. Her life is my dad.

Edited August 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Vanity1]

op,

it's not always easy for a son or daughter to accept that their parent is engaging in some crap behavior. I could be very wrong, but I really do think there is a lot more going on that you realize. I think your dad either cheated in the past and she caught him, or he is cheating now.

 

In the end, maybe it doesn't matter. You're an adult, and if you feel her behavior is inappropriate, you have the right to tell her. I would take her aside and let her know how her behavior is making you feel. If you're concerned about her mental health, there may not be much you can do other than try and talk to her about this. She's an adult, and will do whatever she's going to do.

 

My dad was great provider for us kids, he did more than my mother did. I'd feel awkward if he is cheating but I wouldn't be mad at him. I believe everyone deserves to be happy, if he's hiding it it would be because he doesn't want to hurt us kids. Idk if that's the case but I've accepted if that was the case already. I more so want my mom to be a 'strong woman' and stop behaving like a child, go through his phone, she's 50! such juvenile behaviour.

Edited August 17, 2019 by Hurtx10

[Vanity1]

This is why your mom is having gut feelings... it was what she was taught by her own mom. Imagine how stressful that must of been for her. I agree with schlumpy that she has fears of being abandoned. Be kind to her... you only get one mom. peace.

 

Thanks. I have been biting my attitude lately. Just kind of irritated that I have to be patient and be there for her when she was never there for me!

 

The only thing that's keeping me from snapping is remembering that she is my mom and I'd feel sad if she died and I'd been an ******* to her.

 

Thanks again for the reminder.

[Watercolors]

Since your mom is 50, her biology could be creating a lot of this crazy behavior. Menopause can make women go insane; it can trigger a raging paranoia about EVERYTHING or NOTHING, the mood swings are crazy, it can change the woman's personality AND it can change their energy level and motivation level. And, FYI: menopause lasts for YEARS.

 

So, don't dismiss menopause as a possible trigger for her paranoia. Mental illness can also be brought on by menopause.

 

I'm not writing an informercial for this horrible hormonal hell that every woman experiences later on in life. Since you are a young woman yourself, it will strike you down at some point and how it affects your personality and mood can't really be predicted yet. It can't be predicted ahead of time for any woman how it will impact and potentially derail the woman's life.

 

My roommate I currently rent a guest room from is 55 and going through menopause as I type this. Her 15 year old son lives part time with her and she does NOTHING for him since I've been here two months. NOTHING. I don't know if this was their lifestyle/routine before I moved in (I was referred to her through a mutual friend whose judgment I trust).

 

And so far, I do all the housework, I feed her kid, her cat, bring in the mail, mow the lawn, and I feel awkward because I barely know this woman I"m renting a room from. It's only temporary for me, but who knows how long this menopause hell is for her.

 

So I can empathize with your frustration that you live with an adult who won't do anything to help anyone despite the fact that she able to hold down a job, have children and be married.

 

Do I know if your mom has menopause? Nope. But a doctor's appointment would sure verify it for her. And if she has it, she needs hormonal replacement therapy, CBT therapy, and probably an antidepressant. Otherwise, she's probably like my roommate who never gets out of her bed, for any reason.

 

I was away this weekend house sitting and came back to find my roommate's house in chaos. She hadn't even fed her son lunch and it was nearly mid-afternoon. So I made him lunch.

 

Are you young where you still live at home? Or do you live on your own? I'd say, if you are old enough to live on your own, create better boundaries with your mom so she can't reel you into her drama with your dad etc.,. You have your own life to live, and in no way are you obligated to sacrifice yourself and your well-being for your mom's sake. She's an adult. She will either decide to take responsibility for herself, when everyone else abandons her, or she will remain the way she is -- menopause or not -- and there's not really anything you can do about it. Sorry you are going through this. It sucks.

Edited August 18, 2019 by Watercolors