Relationships....how to maintain them?

[Cora]

So to everyone who are in relationships or have been in them....how do you keep them going? I mean there has to be more to them than just sex. Don’t you eventually run out of things to talk about? Get bored with one another? Get on each other’s nerves? Get into arguments? Lose interest in each other? Run out of things to do together? I mean doesn’t the relationship eventually go stale? Or do these things not happen with the right person?

 

I’m curious as I’ve never actually been in one. The longest I’ve ever dated someone was six months. Had an on and off fwb for 2 years, but an actual relationship? No. Normally after a few dates the guy is like peace out! The guy I’m dating now wanted to know why I’ve never been in one and I honestly didn’t know how to answer him. I always dread that question. I find relationships difficult and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be in one. Dates aren’t a problem...but actually being with someone for a significant length of time seems to be my downfall. I don’t know how people do it....especially people who have been together forever like my parents who’ve been married for 47 years. It just blows my mind.

 

So how do you keep things going for any length of time? Is it a lot of hard work or with the right person should it come effortlessly?

[basil67]

Interesting question. I've been with hubby since 1992 and we still natter away without difficulty. Sure, sometimes we get bored or there's nothing to say or we can't think of what to do....but those feelings are transient and we always get it together again.

 

Normally after a few dates the guy is like peace out!

Can you tell us more about this? I assume the guy is telling you to peace out....what are you doing when they say this?

[JEG88]

In terms of sustaining a long term relationship, it's definitely all about effort.

 

A relationship should definitely not be "effortless" in the least. It takes a hell of a lot of it, but in any good one it should feel effortless a good amount of the time. But the hallmark of a lasting relationship is definitely when you put in the effort and fail, yet you still want to keep trying. I feel like that's where a lot of people lose things because of the romanticized idea that a good relationship should be effortless.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My longest was 2 years. I hated it, especially after we moved in together. I was never so bored but also exhausted at the same time. The only positive thing was that other people thought I was normal. I figured out that I actually never wanted to be in one. I wish I didn't spend so much time going on tedious online dates.

[basil67]

OK, so it's Friday night and we're a bit drunk and we've been dancing to

wearing our PJs in the lounge room. This is how we keep it alive

[Curiousroxy86]

a relationship takes two willing people to enter in and two willing people to maintain

 

you can literally be the best girlfriend you can be and it still wont be the thing that makes a man genuinely want to stay

 

you will see people who are no where near close to perfect coupling up and staying together for years. think about the guys you liked and wanted things to work or make it work that you shouldnt have. the desire has to be there. its not at all logical decision or based on wisdom majority of the time lol.

 

you just got to find a man that wants to be there...with you

 

the more people will realize that the more time they can save trying to kill themselves to keep someone who dont want to be there or is there but feels ambivalent. when you have two people that wants to be together it is easy and effortless.

 

now dont get me wrong if you have someone you want to be with that wants to be with you theeeen by all means do your part in being a great partner to that person but it still ultimately comes down to two people who want to be there and when the want to is there then that is where you will find effort that is given AND RECIPROCATED.

 

just my 2 cents. good luck

Edited August 9, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[Foxhall]

Am I allowed have a favourite poster here,

 

Cora Id say you are mine,

 

yes it is pretty stressful at times that is for sure,

 

I cannot give you the answer really,

 

 

It is something I have difficulty with also, but yet I do wish to find that long term relationship,

 

perhaps if the couple have each their own interests and lives also, but yet have each others support when they need it,

that they do not mind coming home to other at least and like each other most of the time and tolerate other for the rest!

 

maybe the arrival of kids keeps the relationships going too,

 

at least one of them being quite easy going and the ability to take the heat out of the serious moments that can help.

[d0nnivain]

It's impossible to run out of things to talk about. The world is an ever changing place & you can always discuss your reactions to current events.

 

You keep a relationship going by nurturing it -- making sure your partner is happy, feels fulfilled & appreciated. You say please & thank you. You do little things for each other. You kiss hello & goodbye. You say I love you. You never humiliate your partner to others but a little teasing is OK. For example, my husband is very fair skinned. We were at the beach with friends & for the first few minutes we got there I was a complete nag because he hadn't yet put on sun screen. I kept joking that I didn't want crispy fried husband. I ended up spraying him down & 2 of his buddies. But as insistent as I was, I did it in a childish light voice. I would never have been so persistent about "mothering" a BF of less then 2 years.

 

Yes you will disagree. The trick is not to go ballistic. If you search through LS you will find some thread where I was all upset because my husband bought the wrong chicken at the grocery store. I vented here. We talked about it but then it blew over. At the end of the day it was freakin' chicken; not the end of the world. You pick your battles & don't name call.

 

You also continue to date. You add romance in where you can. DH & I went on a trip last weekend. We had a picnic on a train on the way to the airport. We held hands walking through the terminal. we shared a snack before we boarded the plane. We snuggled under the same blanket on the plane.

 

We generally go out to dinner every Friday. It's date night.

 

If you find yourself getting bored, shake things up. Go sight seeing in your town. Buy some new lingerie. Have a picnic on the floor in the living room or outside, weather permitting. Take a weekend away near you in a cute town / bed & breakfast Learn to cook a new dish together. Take a class. Just try something new & don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself, in a good way.

 

You have to remember that part of a good LTR is the bad stuff. Doing laundry together. Dealing with a power outage or a flooded basement. Taking the other person to the doctor. Holding their hand & letting them cry when a loved one dies. It's not all peaches & cream. The bad stuff is what brings you closer.

[alphamale]

good drama and bad drama are the keys to a long lasting relationship. they keep things fresh and alive and interesting.

 

good sex doesn't hurt either but even that fades over time

[BaileyB]

Of course, a relationship can not sustain the excitement and feelings that occur in the honeymoon phase. But, the fact that a relationship settles into a comfortable familiarity should not be seen as a negative, but a positive. Only the best relationships get to that point. And, if a relationship gets there, no doubt it’s because it’s a good relationship - worth investing in to keep it going...

[PRW]

forever like my parents who’ve been married for 47 years. It just blows my mind.

 

So how do you keep things going for any length of time? Is it a lot of hard work or with the right person should it come effortlessly?

You're supposed to learn that from your parents. So look at them. How do they do it? Do they have sex constantly? (I doubt it) Are they constantly going out and "doing" things? (I doubt it).

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with everything that's been posted above.

 

 

 

IMO, the most important part of keeping a relationship going is putting the relationship first whenever applicable. This applies to everything from the big issues like fiances to the small stuff like figuring out what to have for dinner. Far too often, I see people who view a relationships as two individuals who are essentially roommates that have sex. They want to live separate lives and then come together when it's convenient/needed. I don't doubt that they care about one another but they put their wants and needs before those of their partner and the relationship.

[smackie9]

What keeps it alive is the have a life outside the relationship to go and do your own thing, keep your identity of who you are. Too many people focus too much of themselves into a relationship they lose sight of who they are as an individual, and that's when things will go south. You want a good balance of time together and time apart to keep it fresh.

Edited August 9, 2019 by smackie9

[Els]

I mean there has to be more to them than just sex.

 

Most definitely!

 

Don’t you eventually run out of things to talk about? Get bored with one another? Lose interest in each other? Run out of things to do together?

Not in my experience - it's been over a decade and sometimes H and I can still talk for hours. We do something together most days (even if it's something as small as playing a game together at home after dinner), and go out a few times a week. IMO, that's why it's so important to (1) be with a compatible person whom you can really connect with and have at least a couple of interests in common with, and (2) keep on doing things together so you make new memories and have fresh stuff to talk about, no matter how long you've been together.

 

Get on each other’s nerves? Get into arguments?

Of course. I'd be very suspicious of any long-term couple who said that they have NEVER argued. It's bound to happen occasionally between two people who spend enough time together.

 

I mean doesn’t the relationship eventually go stale? Or do these things not happen with the right person?

I think they don't happen with the right person as long as both of you put effort into keeping things alive.

 

So how do you keep things going for any length of time? Is it a lot of hard work or with the right person should it come effortlessly?

There is some work, but it's not "hard" or "bad" work. It's work that's similar to baking a cake or taking care of your garden - it does take effort, but it's enjoyable effort.

[OatsAndHall]

What keeps it alive is the have a life outside the relationship to go and do your own thing, keep your identity of who you are. Too many people focus too much of themselves into a relationship they lose sight of who they are as an individual, and that's when things will go south. You want a good balance of time together and time apart to keep it fresh.

 

 

I think that a compromise needs to be struck in this aspect of a relationship. I do believe it's important for people to have their own identities, hobbies and social circles outside of their significant others. I think we can all agree that it's not healthy to completely immerse one's self in a relationship and ditch the "outside world".

 

 

 

With that being said, I don't believe a relationship is healthy or sustainable when two people view themselves as completely independent individuals who just happen to be involved with one another. A balance needs to be established where it's understood that the needs of the relationship are a priority over each person's individual "wants". Every person has their own individual "needs" that have to be respected and fulfilled but their "wants" become secondary to the "needs" of the relationship.

 

 

 

I hate to toss out my ex-wife as an example but our relationship was a perfect example of this. She has multiple sclerosis and WANTED to go out hunting with her brother one day. She had been laid up sick with MS symptoms off and on for weeks prior to this which was something that I accepted quickly as a part of being married to her. However, I felt that this little hunting trip violated the NEEDS of the relationship for two reasons.

 

 

 

First of all, there was a good chance that a day out in the cold weather would exacerbate the MS symptoms further which would leave her in bed for at least a day, probably longer. I had grown accustomed to being a caretaker and a parent when she was sick and would gladly accept that role as long as she was taking care of herself. But, it was hard to be that person when she wasn't taking care of herself. And, it was just heartbreaking and frustrating to see her hurting.

 

 

 

Secondly, she was sick pretty continually and we didn't have much of a life together. She spent a lot of time sleeping and resting which left us with very little real time with one another. So, this hunting trip frustrated me because it was time her and I could be sharing as a couple and doing something a little more low key (i.e. something that wouldn't make her sick..). I felt like we needed to be making up for the time lost when she was asleep or too sick to get out of bed.

 

 

 

I tried to explain all of this in a diplomatic manner but it turned into a giant fight. And, I finally ended up explaining my position on it just as I did above; she was placing her WANTS well above the relationship's NEEDS.

[PRW]

I tried to explain all of this in a diplomatic manner but it turned into a giant fight. And, I finally ended up explaining my position on it just as I did above; she was placing her WANTS well above the relationship's NEEDS.

I would have let her go hunting.

[Cora]

Interesting question. I've been with hubby since 1992 and we still natter away without difficulty. Sure, sometimes we get bored or there's nothing to say or we can't think of what to do....but those feelings are transient and we always get it together again.

 

Can you tell us more about this? I assume the guy is telling you to peace out....what are you doing when they say this?

 

Well more often than not the guy just ghosts, but a select few actually told me they don’t wish to see me anymore. The guy I dated for 6 months ghosted. Granted, we were not in a relationship so I get he didn’t owe me anything. However, that seems to be the pattern with the guys I date....date for a little while and then they leave. It never goes anywhere. So I can only assume I bore them or they just lost interest. Which is why I was curious to know what keeps a relationship going. Seems so effortless for some, but for me it’s like a never ending uphill battle....never quite making it to the top.

[basil67]

I'm a little confused. If the guys are leaving without reason or ghosting, what did you mean when you said "Normally after a few dates the guy is like peace out!"

 

Of these failed relationships, how did you feel about the relationship while you were together? Were you having great fun? Enjoying spending time getting to know them?

[Cora]

You're supposed to learn that from your parents. So look at them. How do they do it? Do they have sex constantly? (I doubt it) Are they constantly going out and "doing" things? (I doubt it).

 

I honestly have no clue. Over the years I watched them have their ups and downs, good times and bad....some very bad. Lots of yelling...mostly from my mom as she had anger issues and then cheating from my dad. Through it all they somehow remained together. Maybe they should have split up, but I guess it was just easier to stay together. Don’t get me wrong....I don’t doubt that they love each other and I’m glad that they did stay together. Regarding the sex part....don’t really want to think about that, but I’m sure they don’t constantly.

[Cora]

I'm a little confused. If the guys are leaving without reason or ghosting, what did you mean when you said "Normally after a few dates the guy is like peace out!"

 

Of these failed relationships, how did you feel about the relationship while you were together? Were you having great fun? Enjoying spending time getting to know them?

 

Sorry, didn’t mean to confuse. I didn’t mean the guys actually said that....just that they left....no goodbye, it’s over...nothing.

 

Most of them I was having lots of fun with and really enjoyed their company and getting to know them. Especially the 6 month guy....but looking back I saw signs that I missed and saw that he was actually becoming more and more distant. I’d literally have dinner cooked and ready and he wouldn’t show or be hours late....saying he over slept (he worked crazy hours).....I’d be there trying to keep dinner hot all the while he was on a date with with his now girlfriend. My mistake though for assuming we were exclusive. So I guess I can’t blame him for that. That relationship really messed me up though and took me forever to get over. The last guy I dated for a few months though I didn’t enjoy his company towards the end. He was an alcoholic and got really mean and verbally abusive when he had too much to drink. I got tired of him putting me down so I left.

[Cora]

Thanks all for the feedback! Lots of awesome replies!

 

The current guy I’m dating lives 2 hours away, but he’s already driven down twice to see me. And we’ve spent hours and hours talking, watching movies, playing board games, eating dinner etc. Second time he came down he spent the night since it was late....didn’t want him to drive all the way back so tired. (No, we didn’t have sex). Which I’m glad about....I’m in no rush. I asked him a week ago before he drove down the second time if he had met anyone else interesting on the dating site? He said he really just wanted to delete it and get to know me which he did. So I did the same. I have to admit it’s kind of nice being off that site and just focusing on one person. So I feel like he likes me, and I really like him....a lot! But I have learned not to get my hopes up because the other shoe will eventually drop.....it always does. Only a matter of time. I just don’t have luck with these things.

[OatsAndHall]

I would have let her go hunting.

 

 

Then you would get to be her caretaker and the working single parent to three children for around five days because she'd had her fun and now she couldn't get out of bed.

 

 

I was fine with those roles as long as she was taking care of herself. Not so much if she laid herself up.

[basil67]

But I have learned not to get my hopes up because the other shoe will eventually drop.....it always does. Only a matter of time. I just don’t have luck with these things.

 

If you expect the worst, you will receive the worst. Negativity is a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

How about "I am managing my expectations because I really don't know him that well yet. It may turn out great, it may not....only time will tell"

[Inflikted]

As a guy who's never dated, I always find subjects like this to be fascinating. Never having been anywhere near a "relationship", myself, I can't even really imagine how the dichotomy of a relationship works on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis.

 

My best friends are a couple who have been together for a few years, and I like "observing" them. It's so intriguing to me how natural they seem to be together. I mean, I wasn't there in the early days of their relationship to see it come together, but spending time with them, it's like seeing two people who have known each other all their lives, who are comfy and cozy and happy together. It's cute, and nice to see.

 

I don't expect that I'll ever date, at this point, but I often worry I wouldn't be capable of attaining that sort of relationship with someone. If for no other reason than the fact that I've spent my entire life being a "single guy", I don't know how to be "someone's partner". That's something I probably should've learned about in my teens and my 20s, and now? I'm just not sure I know how to be anything other than "single guy".

[MetallicHue]

As a guy who’s been in only one relationship (and still is) I wish there was some sage advice I could give. It’s probably because we’re both flexible people that our relationship has lasted as long as it has.