Must be “happy” before finding a partner?

[Logo]

Happiness is a relative term. I have traveled the world and seen people happy with what little food they have from the crops they have grown and the communal support they receive in times of grief or the sharing of happiness in times of joy.

 

 

We are descendants of social animals, we are social animals.

 

 

So one person’s happiness can be another’s misery. Some people are loners. They don’t want to be bothered with another person’s quirks. Other people crave human contact and the exchange of intellectual ideas. Some people prefer seclusion and books. Everyone is different and there is no cookie cutter answer.

 

 

Now, how would you define happiness in North America? How would you measure it? Is it dependent on one’s income? Socio-economic status? Education? The size of the big screen TV he or she owns? The luxury sports car he or she owns? Or does it depend on whether they have a swimming pool or not?

 

 

Now, there is a difference between trying to hitch one’s wagon to a drug addled individual or an alcoholic vs a person who’s got a stable source of income, is financially independent, owns his own place, has his own car and has decent values to go along with all that.

 

 

Reaching happiness and working on oneself and only then presenting oneself to potential suitors is a bit of a cliche. Who’s to decide when you are “complete” and ready? You’re not a cake. You’re a human being, constantly learning, constantly growing, mentally evolving, physically changing, expanding your horizons. Growth and self-betterment only ends when we leave this world.

 

 

To me, the “start dating when you’ve worked on yourself” argument sounds like something an armchair Zen guru had stolen, and cherry picked, from Buddhism and decided to apply it to a North American society — especially in major cities — that lacks a sense of community.

 

 

Millions of human beings live feet away from each other over a 5 or 10 year period and yet they don’t know anything about their neighbor, let alone their neighbor’s name. Just the other day an elderly woman was discovered deceased in her apartment after neighbors noticed the smell. It’s sad, but true.

 

 

No pet, however loyal, cute or adorable can be a true partner. It can keep you busy, and distracted. It can show you happiness and share in your sadness, but it doesn’t speak and it’s not s human being. It’s a different species all together.

 

 

Besides, it’s called owning or having a pet because it’s a dominant-submissive relationship.

 

 

One could flip the argument and say that owning a pet is easy, but learning to navigate a relationship successfully is a challenge that many could benefit from.

 

 

A pet can’t make you soup when you’ve got a 102 degree fever. A pet can’t share with you in the costs of a mortgage or start a family with you, change the baby’s diapers or pick up the kids from soccer practice.

 

 

This all boils down to the simple fact that the traditional family structure, as a unit, is also morphing, and eroding.

 

As long as one person is not using another person to fix mental or emotional issues he or she might have then there’s no reason not to try and find a partner if that is what makes one happy.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Logo

[Foxhall]

I presumably know very little about North America-

 

in terms of defining happiness- I see no reason why it should be any different to ourselves or anywhere else for that matter.

 

happiness to my mind and I suspect many others, in this order

 

Health-Physical and Mental

Friendships

Enough money to get by.

 

I think the cliche about working on yourself and so on before presenting for a partner- although you seem to dismiss it, I think it is a very important consideration to bear in mind,

a person needs to have some identity- to have some idea - that they know what they are about-in order to gel with others,

I said that on the other thread just now to the chap having the dating difficulties.,

 

It can be possible too that one needs to find the right partner first before they truly find themselves,

 

I suppose to get out there anyway and try different things is the key. not be sitting around thinking too much, just get out there and learn every day.

[Foxhall]

to add further- I think people spend far too much time in their heads wondering what makes them happy and so on,

 

get out of their heads

 

get outside- climb the Rocky Mountains- enjoy the beauty and wonder of nature,

 

the less one thinks about it, the more they will realise what makes them happy.

[elaine567]

Seems to me few are actually "whole" or "complete" people and even when they are, many many people are not actually looking for "complete" people to date.

People it seems tend to like vulnerability and flaws and "humanness", so people who are completely happy, self sufficient and independent and apparently don't need anyone can be a bit of a turn off to them.

 

I think people need to feel like they fit in to a person's life and if all bases are covered then where do they actually fit in?

 

People also can like "projects" and challenges, so given the choice some will choose the mixed up kid they feel they can help, rather than Mr or Miss Perfect who needs no-one...

[chillii]

Yep ; go with that one fh , or with whatever else floats their boat.

And as far as being ready happiness within yourself first and bla bla god l dunno, l agree logo, l think all that's just more internet idealist type stuff tbh, not reality.

Mind you , if someone isn't ready emotionally or healed then hell yeah they need to mend and be in a good place first before messing themselves or anyone else around for sure.

But life stuff , happiness within yourself and all that ahhhh, good couples can work through their stuff together , seen it lived it.

Matter of fact love never seems to come along at the ideal time, but that shouldn't matter.

 

No clue what makes life life there but here l'd say the most norm would be something like finding your woman or man and building life together, family and the rest.

Not to say everyone though there's plenty alternative around too on the other side of the coin. l was myself for a long long time.

[MetallicHue]

I was in a very weak state when I met my wife. But did not impact things or steer me to the wrong person. To some extent I agree don’t spend all that time figuring out what makes you happy just do things. On the other hand without some lightness in the air I feel like it’s hard to be happy. Especially everyone serious at work (and work is kind of dull) really is draining by the time I’m home in the day. Still though obviously work has to get it done...

[Curiousroxy86]

well alot of people dont want to be with someone who is unhappy most of the time because it effects their own happiness. and can you blame them?

 

now unhappy people do couple up so its not like they have to be happy to find a partner

 

but being unhappy for a prolonged time effects that "want to". it effects the unhappy persons desire to want to stay in a relationship and/or give any effort to do their part in making it a happy one and it effects the other persons desire and efforts as well

 

happiness is linked to well being and if you effect that then your effecting your own and anothers well being...in my opinion.

 

I personally think its wise to take responsibility for your own happiness and choose people who wont take away from that happiness and do your part in making the relationships you enter in happy.

 

but as always thats just my 2cents

Edited August 9, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[d0nnivain]

It's so much "happy" as comfortable in your own skin. You have to like yourself, be at peace & be a whole person. If you are looking for somebody else to complete you, you will not find a lasting love because you weren't a whole person to start with.

[smackie9]

 

 

 

 

Besides, it’s called owning or having a pet because it’s a dominant-submissive relationship.

 

 

 

You've never had a cat before have you........

[preraph]

Only you know if you're happy to wake up in the morning. Some people just aren't happy people and others are happy to some extent unless they are really besieged by a bad turn of events.

 

Obviously, you do not have to be happy to find a partner because I can't tell you how many miserable married people I've met. The ones I don't understand are the ones who are basically happy but just needy enough to take on someone who is always unhappy and let that person bring them down. Why? Why?