Strained family relations....

[Iaminnocentgul]

Hello,

It's bit long story but I feel I need someone to listen and advice. I love my husband and we are married since 2 years now. We are from different backgrounds, me been Indian and he is Spanish. But this difference doesn't affect us. We are happily married and settled (TW). We bought a house together 1 year before. Where I informed my family, my husband (juji) didn't because of some complications with regards to money in his family in the past. I use to tell him to that they are family and we should share the good news, which eventually he did. During that time he invited them as well. BTW he has 8 siblings and their families (wife and kids).

 

Infact he is having siblings - kids - kids. I met them all when we went there last year. I felt they are nice people but I could sense the difference of language and upbringing. But it didn't falter me to judge anyone. There were few people who did upset me (like his two brothers didn't even come to visit us despite we called them to that we want to see them) but we didn't bother. His Mum was amazing. She gave so much love. Anyways, after one of his brother came to know about house he and his wife decided to send their 2 daughters to us for 1 month. I was quite open and happy about it, as I love family. I am from big joint family back in India (TW).

 

So the girls came here last month. They were of 14 and 11 years old. Their father (Juji's brother) came to drop them and stayed for 4 days. They were behaving weirdly. Getting up at 3 pm in noon and been picky about food and showing no interest whatsoever. When their father was their he use to cook food for them as them been so picky and we have no idea about what are their choices. Before they were coming Juji did ask their mother about their choices. She said no need for special treatment. You live your life and they will adjust to your lifestyle. We are vegetarians and listening to this we got the best things as per our lifestyle for them. But after they came we saw things were bit difficult.

 

These girls were very picky. We kept quite. After all they are kids. When their father was their he handled all their special request. We in fact did special shopping for them as well (non veg food etc). We didn't had any problems with that. Juji's brother for 4 days took care of them but we could see the amount of special attention these girls demanded with no effort or obligation in their eyes. Before Juji's brother was leaving Juji decided to make veg noodles for them. They didn't come from their room till 2 pm in noon. And when they finally came they said they don't want to eat. This pissed off Juji as we really were finding difficult to adjust to their special demands. We thought they will understand (as told by their mom) and adjust to what we have the best and can offer. BTW, those 11 and 14 years had mobiles of their own as well. It added to all tension as they use to NEVER come out of it. Nor their dad or mom said anything about it. They use to be on mobile 24 hours. Sleep in day and talk to friends on phone full night.

 

It was difficult for Juji to see all this mobile stuff without moving or showing interest in anything and then nit-picking about food which is cooked with so much effort. Finally Juji told them off in front of their father. He also supported Juji and said this is what is cooked and this is what you will have to eat. They kept to saying no. Juji actually called them off for which I told Juji they are kids let them do what they want. I took girls to room and gave them chocolates. But that isn't food yeah. But I had to change the air in the room as I prepared myself for next 1 month when their father will not be there. Finally their father left. And to our horror the girls became more recluse.

 

The next day they didn't come out of room for full morning . They didn't breakfast and said No to lunch. This worried us as we thought if this is the start what will happen in 1 month. What if they will get sick or something. What about health care as they need insurance etc which they didnt had when they came. After they came here we came to know they had Asthma and ADHD issue. This scared us more. We immediately called their parents and said they are not eating or doing anything. They decided to call their daughters back. We were sad but agreed as it was so difficult for us to handle them. They were somebody else's kids and if something happened to them we were the culprits, hence we thought best was to inform the parents.

 

Parents apparently supported the girls, saying they are special and have issues with food. It's their life to talk to friends on phone full night as they have many friends and play games on mobile. They said they don't say anything to those girls. They said my husband (juji) is a difficult character, as he expects not to give mobile to kids and eat what is given. It's not how these girls live. We were shocked. The same woman who told they will accommodate had changed her stance. We zipped our mouth and agreed to whatever they are saying. We both decided till the day they are leaving we will make them feel good and leave on high note. We will give them what they want and keep quite. We did exactly the same.

 

To our horror one day suddenly when we came from office we found our 65 inch new television broke. This really enraged Juji. he questioned who broke. They lied about it. He said please call your parents and atleast tell them, they lied to their parents. To our shock, their parents again supported them and decided to call them back very next day. Those girls didn't accepted when we questioned them many times. We needed how it broke as we had to claim insurance. But those simply lied that they didn't break it. Juji decided we both do some drama of fight amongst us and when the girls will hear they will tell the truth. We did that. We shouted and put up a show off fight. I went to their room and did the drama of asking them saying we are breaking up because of you girls etc. Intensity was bit high which I agree.

 

 

Finally they agreed that yes they broke and the way they broke. Suddenly we became quite and stopped fighting. We knew, they were recording our voice of fight and sending to their parents. Their parents told Juji off that you shouldn't have shouted to which Juji said we will do what we want in our house. I guess this pissed them off. But we kept quite after that and were waiting to drop those girls. I did try to talk to them but nothing helped as they had already concluded that we are the villains and worst people. Their mother said she will call embassy people to pick their daughters (like threatening us). This time i was really pissed off. But I kept quite. I still tried to communicate with girls but of no help. They kept on been on that path of weird behavior. Talking late nights, not eating etc. We were waiting to drop them. Finally we dropped them at airport (Juji had to wait for 2 hours before flight starts as that is the rule - adult should escort till the end). I finally said my word to them. During all this time I didn't say a word to them but this message I elaborated all the torture we faced during their short stay. Told them how manipulative liars those kids and I also told them embassy people would have been a help to us to take those girls and spare us the horror. I thanked them (sarcastically) and left the chat. Later I see they abusing us on chat saying you shouted at our daughters we have recording etc.

 

They even bad wished us that we shouldn't; have kids and that we need to go to a shrink. Juji youngest brother, who is not even their parents send abusive message to us saying juji shouldn't have been born (their father should have m******ted) and that he will never even want to see us in pics or that we should see a shrink. Whole family has started abuse against us. Our peace was destroyed, we took all their special drama, they broke our tv, we still dropped them, we spend money to buy special things for them but we are facing such abuse. I am really thinking about this a lot.

Juji and me thought atleast someone will support us but no one is understanding or even talking to us. These girls have destroyed everything and broke all relations with Juji's family. Out of 8 siblings no body is ready to understand or listen our side. All are listening to those girls's parents. We faced the loss of £1500 but still we are bad people. Those girls are still considered innocent despite they agreed in front of us (of course after our drama). We are been send the audios of our interrogation and fighting. We are tortured by them and kept separated from family. The girls parents have spread bad word for us like virus and spread hatred towards us. They are bad-wishing for us not to become parents and all. Don't know what to do. How to forget this chapter. How to move forward without family.

Edited August 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

First of all nobody is abusing anybody in this situation. There was a disagreement about childrearing some spoiled brats. However you can't call somebody else's kid a brat even if the child is behaving like one.

 

Your ILs lied to you & didn't give you all the facts about how particular their kids were. You needed that information. Since they knew your husband had strong views on the subjects of kids with mobile phones, & dietary preferences, the parents were wrong to dump their teens on you & you husband without telling the girls to be on the best behavior. It's also unrealistic of them to assume these young girls would be comfortable with relative strangers (you) in a foreign country. The whole thing was bound to fail. This 1st visit should have been the whole family -- the girls plus both parents for 1 week so the parents could deal with the girls. After you got to know the girls then you could have decided if you wanted to deal with their drama for a whole month next year.

 

The girls have yet to be taught integrity or personal responsibility from their parents. That is another parenting failure but by yelling at them you made it worse. The circumstantial evidence was obvious that they broke your expensive TV but you should have told the parents, not yelled at the kids.

 

Apologize to the parents for yelling at the kids. The next time somebody wants to come visit you, talk about the house rules up front: you are vegetarians who don't want meat in the house; you expect people to be up before noon; etc. If your guests can't comply with your expectations have them stay elsewhere.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Thanks for the reply. Yes our mistake to shout at them and making them agree the truth. Anyways even after the real reason insurance company denied the claim as we hadn't had any provision for damage done by children. And like you said there is no point in telling about bad points of their children (even though I don't understand why). But now Juji denies to apologies (ego maybe) and is telling he doesn't want any relations with all those people. I have mentioned to him many a times but he denies.

And to mention, when I talk of abuse I meant bad words those people are saying even when we didn't say one swear words. But past is past.

 

Thanks for reading my long story and making me feel that some is listening..... It really helps.. REALLY!

[amaysngrace]

If they’re being medicated for ADHD they won’t have an appetite. Being angry because they didn’t want to eat was foolish.

 

They probably all already know that and thought perhaps you would become familiar with their ailments while they were in your care.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for reading my long story and making me feel that some is listening..... It really helps.. REALLY!

 

You've discovered that tweens and teenagers are difficult, moody, picky and drama-prone.

 

Who knew ???

 

Mr. Lucky