From So to Wh

[Portuguese man]

she opened Pandora's box! She turned me from So into Ws! We were married for 10 years, with beautiful children, home, financial life stabilized, travel to Europe every year, many days at home together watching TV, hugs, kisses, frequent quality sex, plans made and made, always talking. over the phone and in person, we have never been abusive, we always respect a lot. I got a good proposal and we moved to a country where she wanted to live and our relationship was stronger than ever, she starts working in this new country, gets all my support, take on the homework, take it and bring it from work, everything It looked idyllic. as in a moment communication closes, my wife gets angry, critical, distant, ceases all sexual activity, always with cellularness always in a hurry to get away, becomes unpalatable, ask if there is someone else in her life and she always deny it and make me look crazy. Throughout our relationship I have always been completely faithful to never get involved with any other woman and have been strictly in that direction. I discover almost casually that she was having a relationship with a photographer, without embarrassment, violence, or dramas I went straight, and said that the divorce was on its way out of the house, and decided that I would get involved with all the women who I could, and I did, I handed over the divorce papers, it just freaked out my wife, she tore the divorce paper, she got desperate, begged, cried, did everything but said that after seeing and knowing what she knew, she was no longer willing. , if she said she loved him so it was said, she cut, had no more contact, changed jobs, God gives me access to everything, whenever she goes to work sent me photos of where she was, even without me asking. I continued to live outside the house, and with my single life, my wife started to go to my single house and tried for sex, I was straightforward that she was just one more in my bed and that I didn't want to go back, I did that way because I wanted make it suffer, after some time and because of my children decided to go home and try, but realized that I did not want / could stay faithful, decided that I would return to marriage, I love my wife, but simply decided that the cost to go back would be no more sexual exclusive mind.I have made what I most hate a liar, unfaithful.

 

 

I also realized that my wife kept me hungry, not for food, but for sex and attention, it was always me begging her, she liked it and she did it but she liked the feeling of her dominating the sexual force of our marriage, and it held me hostage. than she wanted.

 

 

after her unfaithfulness, I could drink from other sources and she lost that power, and she realized, our marriage always had respect but antelacso changed forever, I think she thought I couldn't get any other woman, I think she thought I I was too lazy to look for another woman, I thought I was a guaranteed piece .... how did she go wrong !?

 

 

Today we are together, that faithful and devoted husband died, I am still the loyal husband, who is 100% emotionally available to her, always attentive to her needs, saying every day I love, taking and bringing every day work to make lunch especially every weekend, but something died inside me, and I decided that I wouldn't be exclusive to her anymore, I always have my meetings at work, I never use a cell phone, I always communicate nothing to myself. hiding in cell phones and mobile phones, never talking out of working with other women, I always make it clear what my goals are.

 

 

She seems to feel that innocence has been lost, and she always tries to compensate, but after being betrayed I decided to learn from her mistakes, I will be the most devoted husband, but I will not be more exclusive, she took me this way, she redeemed herself, but I learned the way she taught me, and decided that if she prefers it, it will be so! The most ironic thing was that when I was being completely faithful, and focused she always treated me with some kind of superioriority as if she were too beautiful, too good for me, now that we return, whenever I meet another woman, she has supervised me several times to make sure nothing is wrong, but something comes up and it seems that she feels something, she becomes more loving and afraid of losing me as I go away. It really didn't have to be that way!

[Amethyst68]

Your wife didn't turn you into anything. When you discovered her infidelity you had a choice to divorce or to stay married. You chose to stay married and then you chose to cheat, what sounds like multiple times from your post. You're now on the same level as your wife and it's all through your own choice!

[Swingen]

Once you've calmed down and got all the shagging around out of your system, you need to decide if you want to keep living this way. Your wife may decide that she made a mistake but your infidelity cancels it out and she may decide she has had enough.

 

Meeting other people and having sex with them when you are married can create a lot of ripples in a lot of ponds.

 

At some point you need to stop using her as an excuse for your sleeping around. Her cheating on you doesn't justify your behaviour now.

[Portuguese man]

You are totally right...i am a coward,but that the way its now

[Portuguese man]

you are completely correct, this infidelity was discovered a year ago, I keep everything I do almost paranoidly discreetly so that women who sleep do not know my phone or where I live because I live in one city and work in another. I know that using it as an excuse is extremely shameful, sometimes I want to know or have her find out and see if she would forgive me too, my therapist said I do it to justify why I was because I'm ashamed to have been in the marriage and forgiven .

[elaine567]

It's revenge pure and simple.

Living with hate like this is probably not that healthy for you.

[mark clemson]

It may have been "revenge affairs" at one point but clearly that is over now. There's no need to continue, except to have "extra" sex. While I understand the appeal, it isn't fair either to your wife or to the other women involved. Or to your children.

 

You can choose to stop doing this. Suggest you get tested for STDs and then make that choice. Ask your wife to have sex more frequently if that will help as well.

[BaileyB]

I decided to learn from her mistakes, I will be the most devoted husband, but I will not be more exclusive, she took me this way, she redeemed herself, but I learned the way she taught me, and decided that if she prefers it, it will be so!

 

Just end the marriage already. It is clearly irretrievably broken.

 

If your wife cheats on you, you are entitled to a divorce - not an unlimited number of extramarital affairs. This is pure foolishness...

Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

It may have been "revenge affairs" at one point but clearly that is over now.

 

It's still revenge, every single time.

It is about getting one up on his cheating wife. Restoring the balance. reasserting his position, taking back power.

 

Affairs are often about retribution on the betrayed spouse.

[aliveagain]

You have two lives that you live in but both are only part time and that is a formula for failure. You need to get counselling and decide which life it is that you want then commit to it 100%. You are being unfair to everyone in your life, specially yourself because unless your 100% in you will never receive or feel the rewards associated with the effort that should be there. You lose, your wife loose's, your children loose and your children are absolutely innocent. You need to bring stability back into your life, commit to your marriage or divorce. If you want to continue seeing other women then talk to your wife about opening your marriage, unfortunately, most open marriages never work out.

[schlumpy]

You found out you were in an open marriage but didn't know it. You decided that maybe it was an opportunity. You found out you liked it and your wife found out she didn't.

 

Enjoy the sweet spot for the moment but that's all it is. The kids still need to be raised and the bills need to paid. What will you have built 20 years from now?

[Portuguese man]

I am reading all the comments, and I am getting all those valuable advice they are giving me. On the question of an open marriage I am hesitant about it, my wife cheated on me so cruelly and lied so coldly even when all the evidence was on my face and I would rather believe what she was telling me , I was hurt and still have not recovered from the humiliation suffered and I think I try to recreate this humiliation to her, my cases have some situations in common, I do not usually go out more than twice with the same woman, I do not lie to any of my goals, no I promise neither love nor faithfulness, I spend some time keeping myself faithful, and when I have some trigger that triggers me it is usually when I look for other women. that we should have separated, this is a reality that she just doesn't accept, I love her so much more than anything, but having reconciled made me ashamed as a man because for me betrayal Anyway it should be treated briefly, cut the person out of your life and I just didn't do it, I feel weak about it, I feel like these practical infidelities are my reward. It's so confusing, so crazy how everything has changed in one love I wouldn't expect myself to be so predatory about other women, I never imagined having the courage to have sex out of wedlock, and look where I am.

[schlumpy]

Cut them out of your life. The problem is that they are so intertwined that to cut them out involves cutting out a significant part of yourself. Don't fault yourself if you failed to do that. You are in good company.

 

My sister-in-law has put up with multiple affairs with my brother and a child with another woman. You would never know it to meet her. I happen to know she has many private doubts but she always soldiers on. I always try to treat her kindly. She's never asked for my advice or help and because of that she's still married over 25 years. I will probably never know why she stays with my brother. I'm sure she has her reasons.

 

Every one has a secret life.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I never imagined having the courage to have sex out of wedlock, and look where I am.

 

You are taking out your anger on yourself, your wife, and many otherwise innocent women. You seem out of control with having no healthy method of processing your rage. You are like an angry bull in a porcelain store. You must get professional help to channel your rage in a healthy, more productive manner. You are compounding the damage to so many lives.

[pepperbird]

lot of the time when I read posts written by a BH who is having a revenge affair(s), they use " I am trying to regain balance in my marriage" as a justification. They then go on to write posts that show the truth of the situation.

 

They are angry and cheating gives them an outlet and way to cause pain in their bs. "revenge" really is an apt term...it's a form of lashing out.

 

Op, it's okay to be angry. It's okay to be hurt. It's okay to want to deal out some of the pain your WW caused you. The problem is having all these affairs and sleeping with other women won't help. It's like taking an aspirin for a broken leg. Any relief it brings is temporary, and once it's gone, the problem is still there. It can even make the problem worse by keeping the person with the broken leg from seeing appropriate help...the doctor.

 

As it stands right now, you are using other women to stop your emotional pain, but it's obviously not working. I would suggest you stop running form your pain and face it head on. Otherwise, you'll never be free of it.

[mark clemson]

Your "solution" to the issues in your marriage is not a solution at all. It's just creating a larger and larger problem. I hope you can see that and take the appropriate action. It sounds like you are in a situation where it would be very simple to just stop doing it.

[Swingen]

You are being a massive hypocrite. You are clearly thoroughly enjoying the pleasure that comes with new meets and exciting sex outside your marriage, whilst being outraged that your wife enjoyed the same.

 

Your self justification and lack of self awareness shows that maybe you aren't the wonderful human being that you have convinced yourself of.

 

If you cared about your wife and your marriage you'd stop this nonsense, go to marriage counselling and sort things out. Instead you love sleeping around and then blaming your wife for doing so.

[MrVegas]

Vengeance is a dark light that blinds all who seek it.

 

Revenge affairs do not and almost can not work. It’s a matter of motivation that is why one affair cannot cancel out another. She sought something extra for herself and in the process hurt you. You are seeking to hurt her and in the process are getting something extra for yourself.

 

Your marriage is done. Your honesty isn’t noble, it’s merely a tactic to draw out more pain. She can’t hurt from an affair you keep private. Your “honesty” is to try and maintain the high ground while you bang other women on it.

 

As another replied, no one made you into this but you. Maybe you were always this and just didn’t let it out?

 

I’m usually an optimist, but in this case anything to prolong this marriage is pointless.

Like CPR on a corpse.

Of a guy that mishandled explosives.

Last year.

 

MV

[Portuguese man]

thank you all the answers i have read them all and thinking deeply about each one.

 

I am a hypocrite and I feel as such.

 

I think the perfect solution was to break up even though I love her a lot and I know she loves me a lot but we lost. Innocence in this marriage,

 

I asked several times to separate, I reiterate I love her very much, our financial situation does not allow us to totally separate in this new country, and all we just have to each other. Just like a rehab addict I'm trying to totally refrain from getting into complicated situations,

 

 

I've been living one day at a time and staying focused on other things. My wife has terrible anxiety and crises, this week I had to bring her there. the door of work every day. Even after a year, I feel weak for forgiving, as everyone said I should have even ended, I'm ashamed to have reconciled, even though she has done everything right,

 

I feel less man, I feel less honored, I don't know a wound that doesn't close, I've done therapy, I've tried other things but this hurt just won't go away, my wife prefers all of them to ensure that she loves me, that I have access to her networks, that I know where she is, but to discuss it. prefer not to argue. I would need to tell everything from the beginning so that they had a complete picture of the situation,

 

I just need to get it off my chest, here in this new country I don't have such close friends to talk about it, and indeed even in my country I couldn't talk to This with anyone.

[Portuguese man]

Hello everyone, I was in this period of reflection and started a psychotherapy and follow up with the psychiatrist, even reluctantly the psychiatrist asked me to use an anxiety medication. I started taking it so as to discredit the effect, but it really helped me a lot. It made my thoughts clearer, my anxiety lessened, and my desire to be with other women as well. Just like an addict, I live one day at a time trying to resolve the issue with my wife, I proposed to her that even in love we should spend some time separately and try to meet and rebuild the relationship, she flatly refuses, and resolved saying that she had been unfaithful, she cried a lot and it hurt me a lot to have seen it but she decided she could leave everything behind if she continued to do the treatment and so I will continue.