Stalking or no?

[APOOL1]

Okay,

 

So my gf broke up with me (we've been on and off for 2 years) and I'm 30 and she's 28. This time she has said she wants space and that she is trying to move on and I should too. I made repeated attempts at telling her I would do therapy and couples therapy (she asked me in relationship to do it before and we never did).

 

When we initially broke up 2 months ago, I cut off all contact. Then she heard I went out with friends and brought a girl back to her house (literally jsut a ride home) called me next day saying she was second guessing her decision and she couldn't believe I'd make a fool out of her.

 

I showed her my GPS history and she forgave me and we met for dinner and kissed. She wanted to know why NOW I was going to therapy and getting help when she asked time and time again.

 

I explained it's because I realize what I lost. She said she wants to focus on herself and me to focus on me. And we parted ways. I sent her flowers the next week and she met me for drinks and was still angry and hurt.

 

We kissed and parted again. We would text - always initiated by me and email our feelings.

 

I asked her if I should move on before and she said "I wish my answer to that wasn't YOUR deciding factor"

 

Then i went to her best friends work (who I also considered a friend) when I found out it was her brithday and dropped off flowers and champagne and spoke to her for a moment in the car and cried and said I missed her and what should I do, is she dating already and should I move on or no?

 

She explained that she's hurt too and been crying but that she wants to work on herself and me to work on me.

 

Afterwards just last week, my ex texting saying "Hey, I wanted to be very clear with you because i don’t think I’ve given that to you and you deserve it. I’d like if you could give myself, friends and family space. I get that you’re hurting but I do think it’s time to try and move on. Showing up at chessy’s is completely inappropriate and it’s making me really uncomfortable. I get you were trying to be nice but I just think it needs to stop. I hope that you can move on as I am trying to do the same."

 

The thing is we had planned a trip to Italy on the 28th of this month. She's paid for her side and I've paid for my side. It was for her friends wedding. The flight alone was $2k and I can't cancel it. The hotels were $5k. (Obviously I wouldn't go to wedding or stay in that hotel, but I'd go my seprate way but HOPE she meets up with me or changes mind knowing I'm in Italy and spends time with me.)

 

I want to know, being that she said she felt uncomfortable and to give her space, would it be wrong of me to STILL go on this trip I already paid for?

 

Our seats on plane are next to one another and I thought maybe it would be a good excuse to say, "Sorry, but I wasn't losing $7k and I needed this trip just as badly as you. We'll part as soon as we land. " and then have 10 hours to talk and try to hash things out and being in a crowded public space she can't yell and neither can I.

 

Good idea or no?

[Rayce]

I think you should cut your lost. Sometimes we have to do that. You should be able to change your plane ticket for a fee and use for different dates. Plan your own trip or go somewhere else. Hotels dates can also be changed... depending on who's name is on the reservation.

 

Good luck

[APOOL1]

Sucks. Yes, I could change flight but man. I thought that'd be a good opportunity because I want her back. I guess you're right. Just need to give her the time and space she asked for and maybe one day she'll regret it or see I've changed and reach out? Is that what it's come down to today? Other times she's gotten angry at me for not "fighting for her" so that's why i was like "man, maybe I should just keep it all the same.

[Rayce]

It sounds like a bunch of head games to me... just walk away and find someone new. I would think it would suck to be in a relationship and feel like you need therapy after just 2 years. Man... that's not at all what I would be up for.

[MetallicHue]

I would definitely let her go and move on. Completely agree with Rayce on this one.

[Normm]

Change seats.

 

Never ask "should I move on" or anything about what she may have decided about the relationship. It's lame, weak and very unattractive.

[amaysngrace]

The wedding is for her friend, not yours. Cancel the trip and go at another time.

[planb1973]

Somebody has to buy somebody out of their half of the trip and go your separate ways.

 

I repeat do not go on this trip. Period.

[basil67]

Does she have details of the flight and accommodation? If not, I'd hold those details hostage until she pays for half of the cost of the holiday. Exes don't get freebies.

[samjam7]

Damnn!

This sounds like my story when my ex-bf broke up with me after 2 years. Eventually, you will have to move on because that's the ultimate fate of on/off relationships. Save yourself more heartache and move on. Never chase people and especially not people who leave you.

 

I personally don't think you should cancel this trip for her. I mean you paid for it and you can also have a lot of fun there. Make sure to exchange the seat or request to change seats then you should be fine because it will only be a matter for a few hours. In case she thinks you are stalking her explain to her that you paid for this and you need a trip too.

 

Do not contact this lady anymore afterward. Better to be alone than to be part of an on/off relationship.

 

You can read this article regarding such bonding and why it might be hard to let go but needs to be done regardless:

 

https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/

[DevastatedJDC]

The article in the link from Samjam7 is excellent!

On Wednesday I'll be 2.5 years out of an 11.5 year relationship, and I still struggle at times to be "over it".... The article is a good summary of the dynamics we had and for some reason was just a paritulcarly good read this morning.

[rjc149]

Sounds like you acted very weak and needy. Supplicating to her frame, putting yourself in her hands and asking her to make the decisions, pursuing her, pestering her, pestering her friends, crying, puking your feelings out, stalkish behavior...

 

No contact brother. Never, for as long as you live, contact her, her family, or any of her friends again, in any form or fashion. She may or may not reach out to you again.

 

Honestly it sounds like her attraction level for you is probably too low at this point. Her view of you is now actually somewhat adversarial. There's a good chance she won't reach out to you again. The only way you can increase the probability of speaking to her again is by never contacting her again and moving on. If she has any desire to communicate with you, she'll make it known.

 

Never fight for a girl. That conveys scarcity and neediness, two very unsexy traits in a man. Women want you to fight for them for their own validation. Don't validate her.

 

You can change tickets and reservations. Avoid like the plague any situation or circumstance where it may be possible for you cross paths with her. She's made it crystal clear she doesn't want you coming near her in any way. If you do, that will legit be stalking, and her reaction to it will escalate in a bad way for you.

Edited August 10, 2019 by rjc149

[spiderowl]

Sucks. Yes, I could change flight but man. I thought that'd be a good opportunity because I want her back. I guess you're right. Just need to give her the time and space she asked for and maybe one day she'll regret it or see I've changed and reach out? Is that what it's come down to today? Other times she's gotten angry at me for not "fighting for her" so that's why i was like "man, maybe I should just keep it all the same.

 

Sadly, it sounds to me like all the times she wanted you and she to go to relationship counselling, you didn't, and now she has reached the point of no return. When you refused to go, she started distancing herself and now she is no longer wanting to make this work. She is sad and angry, of course, that you didn't act sooner, but it is too late now.

 

If you do not respect her request to keep a distance, you could end up in trouble for pestering her. Turning up anywhere she goes privately unannounced could be seen as stalking. She has made it very clear you need to keep away.

 

Regarding the holiday, best to either cancel your flight or rearrange to somewhere else altogether and see somewhere different. She does not want to spend hours with you on a flight hashing things over. It is not going to make any difference. If you turn up, she will be angry and upset. You had a chance to make it work with her in the past and didn't. You didn't take her seriously then so please take her seriously now and do not contact her any more.

[elaine567]

Does she have details of the flight and accommodation? If not, I'd hold those details hostage until she pays for half of the cost of the holiday. Exes don't get freebies.

 

She has already paid for her half of the trip

 

She's paid for her side and I've paid for my side.

[Highndry]

Absolutely DO NOT go on the same flight as her. You could switch flights and do your own vacation if you want. What you are trying to do is corner her and force her to talk. Bad move. She was painfully clear in that she wants you to move on, even telling you how uncomfortable it made her when you showed up unannounced. DON'T do that again. It's time to make yourself invisible. Block her on all social media and move on.

[MissBee]

If someone has clearly asked for space, multiple times, give it to them.

 

I understand wanting her back and sometimes when emotions get high and we're losing a relationship we can do irrational things, but she's said it multiple times and has been consistent, I don't think she's saying it as a secret ploy for you to fight harder.

 

Don't do anything you'd further regret. You'll look back on this one day like yikes! The best you can do is respect her wishes, as if you don't it's even less likely she'd ever give you another chance.

 

I would see if I could change flights. But if you already paid for the hotel, that really sucks, but perhaps you can see if there is a way to change the hotel to another one for yourself. My first step would be to see how I can not totally lose this money by potentially switching things around if possible to another date and having them switch your stay to another time and your flights. If not, as tough as it is, I'd cut my losses. I don't see it going well if you go on this trip, so I'd avoid any potential drama and further heartache on yourself by cutting these losses if you can't switch your stay or tickets.

[Fekenaws]

Contrary to what Hollywood movies would have you believe, love should be easy. There should never be this much of a struggle for two people who truly want to be together. I'd stick with the breakup and move on.

[stillafool]

 

"Hey, I wanted to be very clear with you because i don’t think I’ve given that to you and you deserve it. I’d like if you could give myself, friends and family space. I get that you’re hurting but I do think it’s time to try and move on. Showing up at chessy’s is completely inappropriate and it’s making me really uncomfortable. I get you were trying to be nice but I just think it needs to stop. I hope that you can move on as I am trying to do the same."

 

 

Not only was she asking for space but she is making it clear that IT'S OVER. She doesn't want you around anymore so why would you lower yourself to try to be with her when she doesn't want you. The relationship is over it's no longer a matter of her just needing some space.

 

Other than asking her to pay you for the ticket there's nothing else you can do as it pertains to her.

[Flame Aura]

Going on the trip sounds like a bad idea, let alone sitting together on the plane!

 

 

I am curious though... $2k for a plane ticket... $5k for a hotel... all just for one person? Sounds like those prices are way over the top unless you are flying 1st class and staying in a 5* hotel for a month.