Feeling Trapped/Want Out

[DeluxeBurgers]

I'm in a situation with my live-in girlfriend that I feel is no longer healthy for either of us and I respectfully want it to end, but whenever it seems like we've ended things the relationship continues.

 

She is a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, and I love her. She's funny, smart, and responsible. We have a ton in common and she gets along well with my friends and family. She's also had a great positive influence on my life. Her and I haven't been dating a terribly long time but we do live together now. Recently, some big cracks have begun to show and I feel are irreparable.

 

She suffers from a neurological condition that she usually is able to keep under control. Over the past couple of months however, it has been growing in frequency and intensity to where it has begun to affect her daily life, job, and our relationship. Its been a learning experience for me trying to take care of her during those times, but lately they've been getting so bad that I'm frightened for her (and my) safety. Screaming, yelling, snapping at me, intense crying. When I try to help her it doesn't work because she can't communicate with me which causes me stress, which then causes her more stress and more episodes. To make matters worse, there really isn't a whole lot that can be done to keep her condition in-line other than lifestyle changes, which becomes a major task because it seems like everything has to fall into place for her to be healthy.

 

As you can probably imagine, she has insecurities as a result of her condition which makes her fearful of me leaving, which then translates into controlling behavior and makes me feel trapped. It's affecting my daily life and productivity.

 

I've tried discussing all of these things with her but she gets upset, which of course leads to more episodes. It's become an endless cycle of basically trying to keep her condition under control. I'm oftentimes fearful around her because I don't know what will set her off, and I'm anxious when I see her name pop up on my phone because I don't know if her text will be sweet or vicious. I find myself being loving and affectionate only because I know that a bad mood will trigger her.

 

Recently I did try to end the relationship which amplified everything, and lately it's been a constant back and forth between her being very sweet or being sad, mad, or depressed about our relationship.

 

I'm starting to ramble, but as much as I love her, I feel at this point what is best is for her and I to part ways. Again, she is a genuinely good person and I don't want to paint her in a negative light, but this relationship is not working and I'm concerned for each of our safety. At this point I feel that my presence is actually making her condition worse. We each need to accept that this relationship was a mistake, moving in together was a mistake, and we both need to hit the reset button on our lives. But how do I leave?

[d0nnivain]

You just leave but you also deal with the legal ramifications if you are on the lease or if the utilities are in your name.

[DeluxeBurgers]

You just leave but you also deal with the legal ramifications if you are on the lease or if the utilities are in your name.

 

I've definitely thought about that. The lease and utilities aren't as concerning as her immediate health if I were to up and leave.

[d0nnivain]

How close are you to her parents, BFF & doctors? If you have a relationship with them, do what you need to do but reach out to them to tell them you have ended the relationship & you would appreciate it if they could keep her safe. Then you let yourself off the hook because only she is responsible for her actions, including self destructive ones.

[preraph]

There are many people you can love but not live or make a life with, whether it be mentally ill or alcoholics or just disorganized irresponsible people.

 

Remember it's not her fault or YOUR fault she's ill and has this impairment.

 

One thing you cannot do is let her use threats of suicide or other things to make you stay there. Not even once. It's the worst thing you can do. There is only one right thing to do when a grown person threatens suicide, and that is to call the police right then and there. They can put her in a facility for a bit to stabilize her if they feel it necessary. Even if they don't, you calling the police will make her not ever try suicide blackmail on you again, and the fact that she did is reason enough to leave.

 

If you're going to leave, it might be good to notify her family first so someone is around.

 

And of course, you would be very sorry if she got pregnant and you were bound to her for the rest of your life and she wouldn't be a stable enough influence on kids, so just be sure pregnancy does not happen. But yes, you should leave.

[DeluxeBurgers]

To be clear, she has not threatened harm against herself, nor am I concerned about that. If I felt that she was harmful I would have taken action long ago.

 

I've been in touch with a trusted family member of hers and I've gotten a clearer perspective on her past. As I mentioned, her condition is usually under control, but when things get out of hand everything piles up and causes more episodes. She requires care that I don't think I'm able to give, and I'm pretty sure she knows this.

 

I feel that we owe it to each other to have a frank and mature discussion, and if she's unable to give me that or we can't come to some kind of understanding, I should leave. Something tells me it won't be that easy though.

[Normm]

I should leave. Something tells me it won't be that easy though.

 

People break up with other people all the time. In fact in every relationship we will ever have other than the last one, there is typically one person who wants out before the other, and they are the one to end things.

 

What's so difficult about saying "I'm sorry but I'm done good bye and good luck"?

[DeluxeBurgers]

People break up with other people all the time. In fact in every relationship we will ever have other than the last one, there is typically one person who wants out before the other, and they are the one to end things.

 

What's so difficult about saying "I'm sorry but I'm done good bye and good luck"?

 

We’re on a lease together. I have a place that I can leave and go to indefinitely, she doesn’t. I’m concerned about her condition flaring up by me just up and leaving.

[Normm]

Leaving the lease aside for the moment, you're going to stay with her indefinitely because you feel bad for her? The longer you stay together, the worse it will be.

 

Figure out a solution to the lease- sublet, beg landlord to let you get out or at least try to find another tenant, break the lease, lose your security deposit and take the hit on your credit report, pay the rent yourself, get a roommate or give her the option to stay there and do the same.

[Blanco]

You aren't married. You don't have children together. It sounds harsh, but you cannot punt your own happiness and quality of life for the sake of your partner. Ultimately, you are not responsible for her happiness.

 

These things tend to get worse, not better. What does your life look a year from now if you gut it out for her sake? Five years from now?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It would be nice if there was a fix for this and both parties came out happy, but that's not real life.

[Melrose78]

You're not her counselor. As much as you care about her, you can only tell those in her life of your decision. And end it

It will hurt her, yes. And probably trigger her. But you sound like it's having a massive impact on your own mental health. That's your first priority.

[DeluxeBurgers]

You’re all stronger people than I. The biggest hurdle here is that she isn’t like this all the time. Times have been bad recently, but they’ve been on the mend. Today she was in a fantastic mood. It’s very easy to forget those scary tense moments when she’s acting this way. If I left right now I’d feel like a massive jerk.

[samjam7]

Are you sure about the breakup? Or do you just want the live-in relationship to end?

 

I feel sorry for your ex-gf because I have mental health issues too. She does not need you but needs treatment.

 

If you are really sure about leaving her then do it by all means. Sooner the better as that would not waste her time.

Once you break up make sure to give her closure and explain her clearly. Since she has issues make sure not to put the blame on her at all.

[DeluxeBurgers]

It’s more than just her condition. Her and I have been bickering and fighting for some time. We share a ton in common but we can both be argumentative, and we bicker way too much for a couple that has been dating as long as we have. I’m jealous of other couples who rarely if ever argue. The cracks have been forming for awhile, and her controlling behavior coupled with her condition on top of it all are making me tremendously unhappy.

 

She’s a fantastic woman and I don’t want to speak ill of her, but I just think she’d be better off with a man who can take care of her in those moments. We just aren’t right for each other.

[Blanco]

You can be with someone who's a great person with lots of redeeming qualities and still not be a great fit for each other. It's harder to let go of those relationships, because the good sometimes feels like it outweighs the bad.

 

But like I said, things tend to get worse over time. If she's controlling now, imagine how she will be as the relationship progress, especially if you dig in deeper via stuff like marriage, kids, etc.

 

I'm also curious to know how you came to live together. You mention you haven't been together a long time, yet you already live together. What were the circumstances that led to that?

[preraph]

The longer you stay, the more invested she'll be and the more the break will affect her. And again, if she gets pregnant, you are now in it whether you want to be or not.

[spiderowl]

It is really difficult to know what to suggest without knowing what the neurological condition is. You need to be able to separate the behaviour and the condition to look at the long-term prospects for this relationship.

 

If you are feeling pressured to put up with abusive behaviour, that is just plain wrong. You are both young and it is not the way to start out on a relationship that could potentially be for life. You need to feel safe with her and you don't.

 

It sounds to me like relationship counselling might be helpful - so that you and she can work out what is the illness and what is other issues.

 

She should not be abusive to you, however wonderful she is otherwise.

[DeluxeBurgers]

After a year and a half my girlfriend and I are on the outs. I need to vent my feelings, maybe get some peaceful perspective from an outside source. 

I posted on here last summer about my controlling abusive partner who suffers from a mental disease. At times she can  be very controlling and can fly into extreme fits of anger and rage at the drop of a hat, almost to the point where I don’t know how to speak or act around her for fear of her acting out. I was advised by this forum to leave, which I tried to do, but for whatever reason (codependency?) I couldn’t. She isn’t bipolar nor a borderline, her rages are caused by a neurological condition.

Well fast forward to today, I never left, and as you can imagine the last 7-8 months have been filled with up and down anger, mood swings, fear, confusion, also a lot of great times. Our lease is just about expired, and even though she’s told me many many times as of late that she can’t wait for this lease to expire so she can leave and never speak to me again, she threw me yet another curveball today, expecting me to sign a new lease with her at a new apartment. We argued for another two hours today before things calmed down. She berates me one minute but expects me to be loving the next. It’s lime living in a rock tumbler. Things are always changing at a moment’s notice. I suffered a lot of trauma from her mood swings, and now that summer is rolling through again I’m beginning to have some anxiety and flashbacks. Think about somebody who constantly jumps out and scares you over and over. You never know when or where it’s coming, but you know it will. After awhile your anxiety goes through the roof.

I want to be out of this relationship. I’ve hurt her and she’s hurt me, and mold swings aside things just aren’t working. We share a lot in common, but or ideals don’t always line up. We argue regularly and I feel that I’m drifting further and further from myself. I’m exhausted. That said, it’s tough to pull that cord. She tells me she wants to leave but doesn’t, I try to leave and she gets upset. If I try to bring up moving out she flies into a rage. I’m excited that this lease is almost up, but the pain of getting through these next couple of months scares me. She can make the environment very hostile, and being trapped in a small one bed at night makes me anxious. I’m anxious as I type this.

I’m not sure what my next step should be or how to take it. 

[Realitysux]

8 minutes ago, DeluxeBurgers said:

After a year and a half my girlfriend and I are on the outs. I need to vent my feelings, maybe get some peaceful perspective from an outside source. 

I posted on here last summer about my controlling abusive partner who suffers from a mental disease. At times she can  be very controlling and can fly into extreme fits of anger and rage at the drop of a hat, almost to the point where I don’t know how to speak or act around her for fear of her acting out. I was advised by this forum to leave, which I tried to do, but for whatever reason (codependency?) I couldn’t. She isn’t bipolar nor a borderline, her rages are caused by a neurological condition.

Well fast forward to today, I never left, and as you can imagine the last 7-8 months have been filled with up and down anger, mood swings, fear, confusion, also a lot of great times. Our lease is just about expired, and even though she’s told me many many times as of late that she can’t wait for this lease to expire so she can leave and never speak to me again, she threw me yet another curveball today, expecting me to sign a new lease with her at a new apartment. We argued for another two hours today before things calmed down. She berates me one minute but expects me to be loving the next. It’s lime living in a rock tumbler. Things are always changing at a moment’s notice. I suffered a lot of trauma from her mood swings, and now that summer is rolling through again I’m beginning to have some anxiety and flashbacks. Think about somebody who constantly jumps out and scares you over and over. You never know when or where it’s coming, but you know it will. After awhile your anxiety goes through the roof.

I want to be out of this relationship. I’ve hurt her and she’s hurt me, and mold swings aside things just aren’t working. We share a lot in common, but or ideals don’t always line up. We argue regularly and I feel that I’m drifting further and further from myself. I’m exhausted. That said, it’s tough to pull that cord. She tells me she wants to leave but doesn’t, I try to leave and she gets upset. If I try to bring up moving out she flies into a rage. I’m excited that this lease is almost up, but the pain of getting through these next couple of months scares me. She can make the environment very hostile, and being trapped in a small one bed at night makes me anxious. I’m anxious as I type this.

I’m not sure what my next step should be or how to take it. 

You have to leave. You need to get out of the situation. You have to be firm, and just leave.   

[DeluxeBurgers]

I try, mentally, but it makes me feel guilty. 

[Realitysux]

1 minute ago, DeluxeBurgers said:

I try, mentally, but it makes me feel guilty. 

But you aren't doing her any favors. 

[DeluxeBurgers]

I’ve tried to leave before, bags in hand, but she screams and gets violently angry (not physical). A part of me has a deep down belief that I can take her hand and explain to her gently that we need to part ways but I’ve learned that it’s wishful thinking. Even if she’s in agreement, it’s an eruption. What confuses me more though is that even though she’s told me many times how much she wants to leave, she has an expectation that we should continue after this lease. She’s clinging too, and neither of us are able to make the cut.

[assertives]

Get someone to help you. Get a friend or family to accompany you in packing and moving your things out. Forget all notion of a calm and civilised ending to this. Start looking for and sign a lease already on your own. So at least the new contract will bind you from giving in to signing a new lease with her. Also, consider moving out early. Pay the rest of the remainder of your lease to your landlord and move in with a friend or family until you are able to get your own place. Block and delete her and go NC after you've moved out and cleared/settled everything that belongs to you.

You need to let your brain takeover. You can grieve and process the end of the relationship after you have moved and settled down to somewhere safe and you are both no longer able to contact each other. Otherwise, you're just going to come back here another year later posting about the same thing, stuck in the same cycle. The longer you stay, the more damage it'll do to your mental health, and some of these effects can last a very very long time.

Edited May 18, 2020 by assertives

[Marc878]

You want more of what you’ve been getting. Stay.

You are the only one keeping yourself in this.