Feeling Trapped/Want Out

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, her reaction is going to be bad. You already know this. All you can do is prepare yourself in terms of how you will handle it. You are going to have to learn to draw your own line in the sand so you can extract yourself as cleanly as possible. 

Do you have a friend or family member who would let you crash at their place for a while, just to get you out of this toxic environment? Someone who can help you get you belongings out as well? I would be concerned that she might destroy something, given that you describe her anger as violent. Are you worried she might hurt herself? 

[d0nnivain]

Quote

 

What do you feel guilty about?  That I don't understand. 

Because you live together, you will need a little bit of a plan.  When is your lease up?  If it's soon. build your departure around that to minimize financial hardship all the way around.  

When you do it, be clear, direct & firm.  I don't think we should live together anymore.  This relationship isn't working for me.  Whatever you do, don't discuss the relationship.  Yes, her mood swings are part of it, but heaping blame won't help & it may give her some false hope, that if she changes, you will stay.  It's not that simple.  Just do a clean break.  Walk away & don't look back.  

 

[Happy Lemming]

Do you have to turn notice into your present landlord of your intention "not to renew" your lease??  If so, quietly do that... 

Like others suggested secure a new apartment (alone), when its time to leave... have a witness or other friend or relative help you move out.  This isn't going to go well and you may lose a few items to fighting with her, but stuff can be replaced... no need to argue about stuff or items she considers "her property"... leave it and get out.

Life is too short to live this way.  You only get so many years on this planet.... enjoy each one.

[DeluxeBurgers]

Thankfully I already have a place to go and stay indefinitely. We haven’t received our lease renewal papers yet (probably in the next week or two). As sort of a blessing in disguise, Covid has hit me financially whereas her job is steady, so my initial out is that it isn’t financially feasible for me to renew a lease or move. She doesn’t want to stay here though, and yesterday she became very upset that we haven’t worked out a new place to live, even though she’s been telling me for months now that she can’t wait for this lease to expire. She’s hopeful that things will change between us but deep down she knows they won’t. In a perfect world we could have a clean break, and I know she’s capable of it because she has decent friendly relationships with most of her exes, but judging from her outbursts I doubt it’s likely. When I spoke about her violent outbursts, there’s kind of a fine line of destruction that she has yet to cross. She hasn’t broken any of my things (yet) even though she’s had many opportunities. She threatens herself with idle threats, and she hasn’t been physical with me. If she hit me once I’d be out the door. 

Its wishful thinking, I know, but I do respect her enough to try and give this a peaceful exit. I’m capable of that, but obviously she isn’t. I need to prepare, but as I’m sure you all can understand, it’s scary.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, DeluxeBurgers said:

Its wishful thinking, I know, but I do respect her enough to try and give this a peaceful exit. I’m capable of that, but obviously she isn’t. I need to prepare, but as I’m sure you all can understand, it’s scary.

 Then maintain your cool when she loses hers.  Do have somebody there to help you move out if you are genuinely afraid that she will get violent or that you will give in & stay.   Once you do move out, block her on all platforms:  phone, email, & social media.  You are not strong enough to deal with a crying phone call or threats of suicide.  Make sure you tell her BFF or parents that you moved out so they know to be there for her.    

[Revelation]

Do you feel responsible for her health? It sounds like you are more of a caregiver at this point.

Is there someone else that can care for her, and even if not--is it your responsibility?

[kendahke]

On 8/9/2019 at 6:29 PM, DeluxeBurgers said:

 

We’re on a lease together. I have a place that I can leave and go to indefinitely, she doesn’t. I’m concerned about her condition flaring up by me just up and leaving.

That's why you call the police if she attempts to manipulate you through her condition to make you stay.

 

 

[kendahke]

On 8/10/2019 at 11:58 AM, DeluxeBurgers said:

I just think she’d be better off with a man who can take care of her in those moments.

she needs a psychiatrist more than she needs another man.

[kendahke]

20 hours ago, DeluxeBurgers said:

’ve tried to leave before, bags in hand, but she screams and gets violently angry (not physical). A part of me has a deep down belief that I can take her hand and explain to her gently that we need to part ways but I’ve learned that it’s wishful thinking.

What you have is a savior complex.

You think you can charge in on your white horse and rescue the damsel in distress--and you're so invested in that version of yourself that you're willing to do psychological damage to yourself to force you to stay in that role... makes me wonder what you're getting out of playing that role? If you weren't getting something out of it, you'd be gone.  Look into exactly what that is.

Let her get angry--as long as she's not putting her hands on you, she can be mad til times get better. Stop indulging the tantruming child. She knows this tactic works on you---that's why she does it.  She's not stupid--mentally unbalanced, perhaps, but not stupid. She knows what works when it comes to you and she plays you like a fiddle.

Do not, under any circumstances, sign your name to any legal document for residency with her... this will never end if you do.  If needs be, arrange to have the sheriff meet you while you're moving out so if she wants to start some mess, they'll be there to handle her.

At some point, you have to pull up your big boy pants and do what you need to do for your own mental and emotional well being.

Change is not hard--in fact, change is the easiest thing you can do. You change, it's done. It's the decision to change that's hard because you want to have your own way and have the script act out the way you see it in your head.  However, your reality isn't following your script--your realty is following the choices you make every day to not take responsibility for your best interests---and those do not lie with this chick.

If you're going to stay, then stay and be quiet and content. Put your neck in the yoke and pull and be glad you chose this yoke to gall your neck. If you can't do that without complaining, etc., then you know it's time for you to sack up and get gone.

Edited May 19, 2020 by kendahke

[Wave Rider]

To what degree does she take responsibility for her own mental and emotional health?  The way you describe it, it almost sounds like she is unaware that she even has a problem.  Does she have the self-awareness to acknowledge her damaging behavior after the violent outbursts are over?  During the good times, does she experience shame and remorse for the way she acts during her negative episodes, or does she seem unaware of her own damaging behavior?  A person of good character with a neurological condition will be able to acknowledge their damaging behavior and take responsibility for it, but I don't see a lot of evidence for that in your description of her.  

[DeluxeBurgers]

When it comes to her condition she’s very self aware. She knows she needs to lead a certain regimented lifestyle, follow a specific diet, etc., in order to keep herself in check. The stress of our relationship comes from my willingness to adapt my lifestyle to hers, which I’ve done quite a bit, but after awhile it takes a toll on my happiness. She has expectations of me as a partner which I respect, but her complete shift in behavior at random times has my guard on high alert and causes me lots of anxiety. She’s screamed, yelled, thrown things, called me names. I’ve tried to leave more than once but she’s always drawn me back, but then her behavior doesn’t improve or she doesn’t seek help, also I feel that damage has been done to me psychologically that makes me fearful of her. The problem is, and this is why I stay, is that those one or two bad moments are infrequent enough to where you start to forget their intensity. It’s easy to second guess yourself and ask “was it really that bad?” It’s difficult to say goodbye to a relationship where you were given every possible opportunity to work on it for the better, but in the back of your mind you know it isn’t working. Moving past it into the unknown is scary.

[kendahke]

20 hours ago, DeluxeBurgers said:

Moving past it into the unknown is scary.

And staying in it is less scary? The unknown may be scary, but it's less damaging than staying with an abusive person who will not attend to their underlying condition. She doesn't have to because she's gotten it to work in her favor--why would she change something that works for her?

Despite what you're writing, the truth is: you want to be there because you're getting something out of being there.

Edited May 20, 2020 by kendahke

[Wave Rider]

On 5/19/2020 at 1:20 PM, DeluxeBurgers said:

but she’s always drawn me back

Change this to "but I always went back."  It sounds to me like you chose to go back to her after her unacceptable behavior, and I'm not convinced that you fully accept responsibility for your own actions.  It sounds like there are some very blurred boundaries in this relationship, and a significant lack of taking responsibility on both your parts.   

Something still seems wrong to me here.  Either she doesn't see the problems her behavior is causing, or she doesn't care to do anything about them.  And why should she, when you graciously volunteered to fix her?  It sounds like you feel responsible for fixing her, but you still don't feel responsible for your own choice to go back to her even after her bad behavior.  This is backwards: you are responsible for your choice to go to back to her, but you are not responsible for fixing her problems.  She also has it backwards: she is responsible for fixing her own problems, and she can't make you be responsible for saving her. 

Maybe there's a personal growth opportunity for you here.  Take responsibility for leaving the relationship.  Make a choice and stick with it.  If you're wrong, you're wrong, but you're probably not wrong.  Leave and take responsibility for it.  When she tries to make you responsible for her, say "I am responsible for my life, and you are responsible for yours."  

 

[Melrose78]

Sometimes we need to also look inside ourselves. Why do we get involved in unhealthy relationships? Is it stemming from something in our own past eg lack of support in our own family.

 

You seem to have become her brick wall. It's awesome you're there for her but she needs to learn how to stand on her own 2 feet. She needs to take the steps to better herself. And do do you.

 

 

[SweetCharity]

You're clearly in an abusive relationship. The neurological condition she has is a scapegoat. I'm not entirely sure it exists. Abusers know exactly what they're doing. Having an illness doesn't give you a free pass. This is not your fault and you don't owe her anything. 

I was in an abusive marriage so I get it. You've been in isolation too. I know it's hard to leave. You ask yourself if you're going insane. But the day my mom made me move out of my husband's house was the best day of my life. Once I got distance from him I slowly was able to heal and get out from under his spell. I was lucky I had my family to support me. 

This is my advice to you. 

1) Set a date with your support system to come in and move you out. Tell them to not stop packing your stuff even if you beg them to. No excuses. It's time for tough love. If you don't have the strength to leave by yourself you'll need them to push you. Consider it an intervention. 

2) If possible wait until she's out of the house or in the shower. DON'T TELL HER YOU'RE LEAVING. My friend had a similar situation. His ex would lock herself in their bathroom and have freak outs over the smallest things. He quietly left and moved across the country while she was at work. 

3) Block her from everything. Disappear. Use alternative names on social media. Do not under any circumstances contact her. My ex-husband still had me wrapped around his finger even after I moved out because we stayed in contact. It wasn't until I refused to go over there that he finally found a gf and left me alone. It stung but was a blessing in disguise. 

4) Don't underestimate her. Many abusers have murdered or harmed their spouses when they leave. If she's thrown things, that is physical abuse. My husband never touched me but he broke a chair. That's scary. It escalates. Be safe and be smart. 

I know this information might overwhelm you but believe me once you get distance from her, your head will clear and you'll feel much better. Take it a day at a time. Godspeed.

Edited June 3, 2020 by SweetCharity