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Husband said he couldn't have an intelligent conversation with me

Andrea3

By Andrea3,
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Andrea3

Andrea3

Posted
Posted

We had a house party the other day and at the end of the party my husband made a horrible comment to me in front of his brothers and I have been really upset since.

 

I was having a few drinks and a laugh with two of my husband's brothers and my sister in law, we went to sit by the fire were my husband was having a chat with another of his brothers. They both looked quite serious and they were having a work related conversation. We teased them and said something along the lines of this is a very serious and boring conversation. It was meant with no harm, just trying to sit with them by the fire. Then my husband turns to me and says: "Do you mind? I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation... Which is not what I get to do everyday"

 

I was gobsmacked and turned around and went inside followed by my brothers and sisters in law. I tried not to make a scene, but I said to them "that was horrible" and they all hugged me and agreed that was totally unprovoked unnecessary and hurtful. Went straight to bed.

 

Next morning I heard that my brother in law had stormed out and said to my husband that his comment was outrageous and it wasn't the way to talk to his wife.

 

My husband apologized to me the next day, but it was quite a humiliating comment as at the moment I am a stay at home mum and my work confidence has gone really low. I'm planning to get back to work this year, but it hasn't been that easy as he works really long hours and we had both agreed that at the moment is best this way. I have worked all my life, but since having kids I have put the family priorities first. We have spoken I've explained how hurt I was and even though "it's been dealt" I am extremely hurt and has made question my life choices.

 

Am I overreacting or is this a big deal?

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preraph

preraph

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Uh, you actually started it by telling him his conversation was boring and interrupting their talk. So you haven't a leg to stand on, IMO. You don't interrupt someone and tell them their conversation is boring. So he was justified in jabbing back. Guessing he doesn't get to talk to his brothers as often as he does you and was probably enjoying it until you said that. So apologize for saying that and for interrupting.

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GorillaTheater

GorillaTheater

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No, I don't think you're over-reacting. This was a hell of a grenade to lob your way.

 

Was this a one-off, or has he done anything similar before?

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GorillaTheater

GorillaTheater

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Uh, you actually started it by telling him his conversation was boring and interrupting their talk. So you haven't a leg to stand on, IMO. You don't interrupt someone and tell them their conversation is boring. So he was justified in jabbing back. Guessing he doesn't get to talk to his brothers as often as he does you and was probably enjoying it until you said that. So apologize for saying that and for interrupting.

 

She, and others, were just teasing him. That sort of thing happens in the Gorilla household everyday. I don't think it called for such a personal comment from him. Big difference between teasingly saying a conversation was boring, and seriously and effectively saying that she's an idiot.

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MetallicHue

MetallicHue

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The comment seems way over the top. Since it made you uncomfortable you should talk with him about it. If it was something he meant in anyway I’m not sure what I’d do. If I were dating someone and they said that and meant it I’d dump them.

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PRW

PRW

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Posted (edited)
My husband apologized to me the next day, but it was quite a humiliating comment as at the moment I am a stay at home mum and my work confidence has gone really low. I'm planning to get back to work this year, but it hasn't been that easy as he works really long hours and we had both agreed that at the moment is best this way. I have worked all my life, but since having kids I have put the family priorities first. We have spoken I've explained how hurt I was and even though "it's been dealt" I am extremely hurt and has made question my life choices.

 

Am I overreacting or is this a big deal?

Yes, he had done all he can really do, short of slitting his wrists or something. You need to put it behind you. I have seen people say far worse things to each other and survive it. What are you going to do? Divorce him and throw your family away over a "comment"? Edited by PRW
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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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Am I overreacting or is this a big deal?

 

Have to agree, your reaction is an over-reach.

 

"Which is not what I get to do everyday" wasn't even directly about you, maybe he meant he wished for more serious conversation time with his brother, workmates or other friends.

 

You come across as though you're looking for a reason to be upset, usually an indicator of other issues. Food for thought...

 

Mr. Lucky

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schlumpy

schlumpy

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You ruined an important moment between his him and his brother and he was irritated by it enough to voice his displeasure.

 

We all say things out of anger we would not normally say. Accept his apology.

 

Next time try to understand what you are stepping on.

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OpenBook

OpenBook

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Am I overreacting or is this a big deal?

 

Both. It was a low blow for him to make. He knows you're feeling insecure about your "work confidence", right? He lashed out at you. Unless he's a creep (and I'll assume he isn't, since you married him!), he reacted to what he perceived as a low blow from you.

 

Can you reach past your own hurt and see why he reacted that way? Are there other issues simmering below the surface between the two of you? Are you comfortable asking him why he reacted that way - did he feel like you were attacking him or disrespecting him when (in your mind) it was just teasing?

 

Being respected is SO important to men... especially in front of others.

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elaine567

elaine567

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She is getting upset and teary because he hit a huge nerve.

 

A nerve she thought was safe in the hands of her husband and the guy who was supposed to have her back.

Not only did he do that, but he did it in front of his family.

Massive humiliation.

The idiot wife who is not worth talking to and who needs to know her place when men are talking...

 

Had she been comfortable in her own skin, she would have hit him back with some equally cutting jibe, but as she is feeling down with low self esteem (something he is probably well aware of), it was low blow and she took it to heart.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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Well, this one really has the board split.

 

I personally, would be really upset. I generally don’t let the little things that don’t matter bother me... But, how my husband thinks of me is important to me, and to have him make a comment that could be perceived as really disrespectful about me in front of other people would be very upsetting.

 

I’m sorry this happened to you OP.

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Normm

Normm

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Unless he's a creep (and I'll assume he isn't, since you married him!).

 

People marry creeps and loses all the time. Sometimes they know it but choose to ignore the red flags, others are completely fooled.

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FMW

FMW

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You mentioned that his family point out how "harsh" he is with you. If others notice that means this likely isn't some isolated incident. He's probably done and said other things that put this into a context that we aren't getting here that might show a pattern of demeaning you.

 

Look at the big picture, how does this one incident fit in?

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Turning point

Turning point

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Uh, you actually started it by telling him his conversation was boring and interrupting their talk. So you haven't a leg to stand on, IMO.

 

I disagree because this was a social gathering in their home and the two had separated themselves from the group and chose to conduct business during what should have been family time.

 

The appropriate response to her jab should have been: "You're right, tonight is about levity and business can wait."

 

He went for the jugular in response to a scratch.

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amaysngrace

amaysngrace

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Actually, as Mr Lucky astutely pointed out, we really don’t know what he meant by that comment. He may have meant at work, at family gatherings, or directed at her. She chose to take it personally.

 

Not to brag or anything but raising children into healthy, well-functioning adults single-handedly takes a whole lot of smarts. There’s really no need for her to be taking it so personally unless there’s a pattern of him belittling her.

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LuckyM

LuckyM

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Does he have any justification for the comment?

Does he talk over your head? Does he have a better education than you? (That might not matter)

 

It's a nasty thing to say especially to a wife. But don't tell someone you care about their conversation is boring--that angers them!

 

Most of us do not know a great deal about subjects in general. Were they talking about something you know nothing or little about?You are not over reacting but don't worry about it either, as long as he doesn't repeat it.

 

In the future, engage him in conversation beyond the routine daily stuff. An important issue.

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preraph

preraph

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How is that different from her telling him in front of his company and family that not only his but their conversation is boring?

 

She is getting upset and teary because he hit a huge nerve.

 

A nerve she thought was safe in the hands of her husband and the guy who was supposed to have her back.

Not only did he do that, but he did it in front of his family.

Massive humiliation.

The idiot wife who is not worth talking to and who needs to know her place when men are talking...

 

Had she been comfortable in her own skin, she would have hit him back with some equally cutting jibe, but as she is feeling down with low self esteem (something he is probably well aware of), it was low blow and she took it to heart.

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elaine567

elaine567

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Posted
How is that different from her telling him in front of his company and family that not only his but their conversation is boring?

The difference being that he is not a SAHM whose self confidence is in her boots.

Had he been "right", then I guess his brothers and sister in law would not have decided he was "harsh" to the OP, like he has been before in front of them.

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Turning point

Turning point

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People who choose to stand off in a corner talking business during a social family gathering are indeed boring.

 

These two men fixated on their narrow self-interested topic while others try to enjoin them in the group are boring in that context. The wife's jab was an accurate measure of the circumstance.

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Timshel

Timshel

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They both looked quite serious and they were having a work related conversation. We teased them and said something along the lines of this is a very serious and boring conversation.

 

 

This was a very rude and intrusive action on your part. While approaching, you knew that an important conversation (for your husband) was happening but proceeded like a bull in china...and insulted him, no less.

 

He was crass right back, but has apologized while you have languished in his offense.

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NomiMalone

NomiMalone

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Andrea, it looks like you may have hit a raw nerve when you called your husband “boring”, and he in turn threw you back a comment intended to hit where it hurt. I know you intended your comment as a joke, but looks like he didn’t take it that way; and it just unfortunately blew up from there.

 

On a different note - and this has nothing to do with your husband, just for yourself - I’m sure you’re intelligent. If you feel you’d like to keep yourself more informed and engaged whilst at home and waiting to go back to work, subscribe to quality online newspapers if you don’t already, stay updated with current events, economic and political matters etc. Or take up an online course in a subject that interests you - there are loads of things you can do to keep learning :)

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