Want divorce but husband unemployed

[SS2855]

Hello- I’ve been married for 12 years with two young children and strongly want to end my marriage. My spouse is a great guy but our relationship, or lack thereof, has been non existent for years. Some background: my husband has depression but under control. Since we’ve been married though he has been unable to hold a job for very long. He hasn’t worked now in almost 2 years.

 

Financially had always been difficult but I’ve grown in my career with a recent promotion that has allowed us some freedom but also had enabled him to not take looking for a job seriously. He’s a great dad and nice guy but that’s about it. I work long hours, travel and am responsible for the majority of the household tasks. Getting home after being with successful, driven adults only to walk in to a messy home and a husband laying on the couch stoned most of the time has built up enormous resentment.

 

Don’t get me wrong he takes care of our boys and basically does daddy daycare when I’m at work for which I’m grateful, but that was never the agreement as our kids are old enough for camp/ after school activities (6 & 10 yo). Ive become bitter and angry, and as a result we’ve not slept together in almost a year. I’m tired of being the adult and I’ve lost any love I’ve had for him and pretty confident it won’t return. My concern is how do I leave when he doesn’t have a job?

 

I want him to be in our kids lives but how can he if I divorce him and he can’t put a roof over his head? As I said I make a good income but not enough to support two households. I’m truly stuck but need to get out and not sure how to do it. Also will my kids resent me for leaving their father if he can’t or won’t do anything to take care of himself?

Edited August 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amaysngrace]

Whatever happened to in sickness and in health?

[MetallicHue]

There’s a lot more to it than in sickness and health. No sex in a year no job in 2 while unclear under what circumstances no job, also and probably the most important thing always coming home with her husband stoned.

[Mr. Lucky]

There’s a lot more to it than in sickness and health. No sex in a year no job in 2 while unclear under what circumstances no job, also and probably the most important thing always coming home with her husband stoned.

 

While that makes him a less than great homemaker, sex partner or housekeeper, he's still a SAHD and the OP the breadwinner.

 

Welcome to the calculation many dissatisfied husbands have been making for a long time. She can certainly leave, but it will cost her...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited August 10, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Have you been involved in any other relationships outside your marriage?

 

Be honest.

 

 

Oh - after looking at your history I see you’ve had a year+ affair with a MM.

 

I could tell by your writing style you weren’t any longer interested in your husband.

 

Likely because you’ve been intensely involved in the affair. You can’t do a great job at keeping TWO relationships alive and well.

 

At least be honest with your H - tell him you’ve been cheating.

Edited August 10, 2019 by S2B

[SS2855]

Have you been involved in any other relationships outside your marriage?

 

Be honest.

 

 

Oh - after looking at your history I see you’ve had a year+ affair with a MM.

 

I could tell by your writing style you weren’t any longer interested in your husband.

 

Likely because you’ve been intensely involved in the affair. You can’t do a great job at keeping TWO relationships alive and well.

 

At least be honest with your H - tell him you’ve been cheating.

 

I don’t intend to tell him. So I can hurt him and absolve myself of guilt I’ve already had? My M isn’t suffering because the A... it was broken for years and I’ve realized now the toxicity of both relationships, hence while you’ll see in my other thread I am trying to leave both.

Edited August 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[amaysngrace]

Depression is an illness. I’d be depressed too if my wife cheated on me, wouldn’t you be OP?

[Blind-Sided]

Yep... Better or worse, sickness and health. So... get your divorce, and do the honorable thing and tell him the truth. Not sure where you live, but you will now be supporting 2 families since he's the SAHD and you have been unfaithful.

 

 

Sorry that seems rough... but there was no way to sugar coat it.

[FMW]

Because you have been the sole financial provider for several years, you would almost certainly have to pay maintenance to him. You would still have the responsibility to provide financial support to him, he wouldn't be completely on his own.

 

As to how your children will take it, that's something you'll need to be prepared to deal with. Many people with children divorce, so you have a lot of "case studies" available to get insight on that issue.

 

It sounds like your marriage and the vows you made are truly broken. If you don't see your feelings changing then go see an attorney and find out exactly what you can expect with a divorce. Have a serious and frank discussion with your husband and figure out your parenting plans going forward.

[Turning point]

Hi OP,

 

Offering you advice is made difficult because you have so clouded the real issues involved.

 

Your impetus for divorce was the affair, that's quite common. Most people won't leave the marital living arrangement unless they have a soft place to land. Understand that by soft place, I'm referring to the totality of the experience, and your economic/career growth - not the other man specifically.

 

Your characterization of the marriage however, has a lot of disconnects and reveals a few things about you that you've glazed over. As much as you may claim - this divorce is really not about your husband.

 

As best as I can account for the personality type you are showing, here's the deal:

 

Divorce reduces your marriage to be dealt with as a dissolved partnership. That means that regardless of how you NOW characterize your husband, this is the business arrangement you agreed to (by action or acquiescence.) If you'd now like to fire this employee or dissolve the business then the law requires a severance package. The court will not allow you to leave him or your children as wards of the state.

 

This may mean short or long term support, but you made this bed and there's only one way out of it. If you want a divorce in the simplest, fastest, and most cost effective way with the least pain for everyone - then acknowledge this reality and treat him with dignity. Don't get bogged down in making your husband a scapegoat, or trying to avoid financial consequences. What you avoid in settlement obligations will simply show up in your legal fees. Besides, a future change in circumstances is grounds for modification of any settlement agreement - therefore it's in your best interest to see that your ex has resources to grow and move on independent of you.

 

What your kids will remember is how you treated each other on the way out the door.

Edited August 10, 2019 by Turning point

[BaileyB]

Is he not eligible for disability support? If he has depression and he is unable to work, depending on where you life there should be some financial support.

 

As for a divorce, of course you will be expected to pay spousal support. You had beat talk with a lawyer and learn more about that, because that will be a significant amount and important to know before you make the decision.

[SS2855]

Depression is an illness. I’d be depressed too if my wife cheated on me, wouldn’t you be OP?

 

Believe me the depression is not why I want to leave. The years of feeling like I’ve been raising a third child, balancing the financials on my own when we needed a second income (resulting in late mortgage payments, borrowing every dollar from my son’s college savings account- an action by my husband), helping support a perpetual weed habit, having him vape in the bathroom while kids at home, carelessly leaving edible gummies laying around,... the list goes on. I can’t do it anymore. From an emotional perspective there has been very little support as well. I had a moment a few months back where I walked in the house after a meeting, tired but feeling good, and see him at the table with a buddy and 4 empty beer bottles with both of them high as a kite while my kids are playing in the basement, the house is a wreck and I’m asked what’s for dinner. No thank you. That’s when I said to myself I was through. Do I absolve myself from my inexcusable actions? Not at all. But make no mistake there are multiple ways to break your wedding vows with cheating being a big one but not at all the only one.

[SS2855]

Divorce reduces your marriage to be dealt with as a dissolved partnership. That means that regardless of how you NOW characterize your husband, this is the business arrangement you agreed to (by action or acquiescence.) If you'd now like to fire this employee or dissolve the business then the law requires a severance package. The court will not allow you to leave him or your children as wards of the state.

 

This may mean short or long term support, but you made this bed and there's only one way out of it. If you want a divorce in the simplest, fastest, and most cost effective way with the least pain for everyone - then acknowledge this reality and treat him with dignity. Don't get bogged down in making your husband a scapegoat, or trying to avoid financial consequences. What you avoid in settlement obligations will simply show up in your legal fees. Besides, a future change in circumstances is grounds for modification of any settlement agreement - therefore it's in your best interest to see that your ex has resources to grow and move on independent of you.

 

Sorry let me clarify- I’m not at all asking how to avoid spousal support- i want to give that at the very least. I guess I’m just looking for support because if I leave I’ll feel I’ve abandoned him financially. He’s not worked from what I’ve seen mostly because he gets “stressed” which exacerbated his depression- yet he seems oddly fine when his friend invites him over to watch the game and get high. I’ve told him in the past even a job like uber May be good- he did this for awhile and lived it but then stopped for whatever reason. Yes sickness and in health but at what point do u stay even when there is no vision for future happiness.

Edited August 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[BaileyB]

No way, no how, am I supporting a husband who refuses to work and gets high all day... I would pay my spousal support and he will just have to figure out the rest. He’s a grown man, he should be able to do it if he has too... he just hasn’t had to, because you’ve done it all.

[FMW]

I agree with you OP, so when I said your vows had been broken I wasn't solely referring to your affair. Personally I don't see it as a badge of honor to hold on to a bad marriage (and bad marriages involve two people, infidelity doesn't absolve the other spouse from responsibility for their own misdeeds in the marriage).

 

It's your life - others IRL and on this board will have their own opinions, but in the end what matters is making the right decision for you and your children. So go see an attorney and deal with facts. Research and be prepared to provide your children with emotional support.

[amaysngrace]

Believe me the depression is not why I want to leave .

 

I hear you and agree with you that having a spouse who won’t work and just wants to party all day, even while the children are there, is reason enough for me as well.

 

Has he been diagnosed with anything? I’m not trying to defend his actions at all but maybe he needs a more structured plan other than self-medication.

[SS2855]

Thanks amay- he was dx w//bipolar disorder in his early 20’s (he’ll be 50 in a week). He’s medicated but the weed problem I’m sure does not help but he’s also been smoking since his teens though much more in last few years. And yes I think the BP contributes to this all but I get aggravated that his down times are related to work... it’s like working stresses him out (welcome to the real world). Can’t work but no problem getting high with friends, etc.

Edited August 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like he’s using it as an excuse/crutch.

I’d have little time for that too. It’s been nearly 30 years! How long does he expect it to take to get your act together?

 

Do what you need to do...you only have one life and children would rather have two happy homes than one unhappy home. I don’t see how you can ever be happy being married to him. I think you should call a good family lawyer asap.

[S2B]

Just divorce him and pay the amount needed to gain freedom.

 

You can petition the court saying he IS a man that should be working and capable of earning money. They likely will assign a number to his base line that shows how much he CAN earn (when he works) then you make up the difference of the amount he needs monthly.

 

For example if he needs $3500 to live each month and he’s capable of earning $3000 then you pay the $500

 

It’s usually based on what he CAN earn - not what he will earn. He can still choose to not work - but he would only have the amount you have to pay.

 

See an attorney to verify info for your area.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I’m just looking for support because if I leave I’ll feel I’ve abandoned him financially.

 

Guess I’m trying to understand the thought process that says you don’t want to abandon him financially now - but you abandoned him maritally several years ago?

 

If he’s not deserving of your love and fidelity, why does he deserve your support? Confusing to me the weight you assign to the different dynamics in an obviously dysfunctional marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

Guess I’m trying to understand ...

 

I get it. My xH was unfaithful, repeatedly, but even in that situation I felt responsibility for him when I chose to divorce because I knew he was financially very irresponsible and would have trouble. And he has, and it's an emotional burden I'll probably never overcome.

 

I'm only guessing so I could be wrong, but OP probably feels her husband abandoned her emotionally a long time ago because of the behavior she describes. While she doesn't want to be his wife anymore, while she hasn't been faithful, she still cares about/loves him as someone who's been an important part of her life. She probably still feels the responsibility of the marriage.

 

It's not a black and white issue, all good or all bad issue for everyone. It's not just a switch that's thrown that turns everything off.

[elaine567]

Divorce your husband by all means, but do not think your new separated/ divorced status will make you more attractive to your MM, nor force him to leave his wife nor set up home with you.

It can have the opposite effect

It can send him scurrying back to the wife as now you are free you may expect "more" and as he has no intention of delivering, he bails.

 

MM often choose MW deliberately, he ain't leaving, she ain't leaving... perfect.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not a black and white issue, all good or all bad issue for everyone. It's not just a switch that's thrown that turns everything off.

 

Understood. But the OP has to realize that commencing an affair starts a process that often ends the marriage. In its own way, it's the same refusal to face the issues at hand she accuses him of...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

I think divorcing him is the best thing for both of you. You have been his crutch and when a person isn't made to do better they don't. Good that you are willing to give him spousal support. Just go to him and tell him you want a divorce so bad you've been involved in an affair so you want to end the marriage. Tell him you'll give him financial support and he is to get a job. If he begs you to stay that is because he's lazy and won't have his "mommy" there to take care of him anymore. He might surprise himself and turn into the man he's always wanted to be but one thing will be sure and that he'll be out of your hair.

[stillafool]

 

It's not a black and white issue, all good or all bad issue for everyone. It's not just a switch that's thrown that turns everything off.

 

It was for me when I divorced my first husband. He was cheating while I worked and went to school to support us. When I found out I left him high and dry with the rent paid for one month and filed for divorce. He could starve for all I cared. Oh trust me, when push comes to shove he will find a way to eat and put a roof over his head.