FMW Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 (edited) That's why I said not "for everyone". It doesn't appear that it is for OP. Edited August 11, 2019 by Finding my way Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 (edited) One could argue that he abandoned her years ago... financially, and perhaps also emotionally. She has most certainly abandoned him emotionally and with her infidelity now... While I admire the fact that you feel responsibility not to leave this man financially destitute, it could be argued that the fact that you continue to live together and pay his bills is simply geography at this point. Edited August 11, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 I think you should divorce. There is enough blame to go around and I can't see a resolution to your situation unless your life is reset. You will feel much better once you pull the trigger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 If you divorce as is, you will be paying him child support and maybe alimony since you've been the provider. I think you need to make him go get a job so he's at least working before you get a divorce -- and maybe that would solve some of the problems. You said he's a stoner. He's doing this with the kids at home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted August 11, 2019 Author Share Posted August 11, 2019 Thank you all for your very wise words. We’re both to blame in the failure of the relationship. And trust me I have zero thought that divorce will possibly choose AP to “pick me”. Never entered my mind and of anything I’m hoping it helps me moreso to pull away from the toxicity of that relationship and free myself from both to find a real partnership. I have been telling my H for last 6 months I want a divorce but clearly nothing will happen until I file. He tells me “just so I know” timing looks bad as I’m recently at the top of my career and now choose to leave him. Basically ppl will view this as me abandoning him because I’m in a good place? @findingmyway you hit the nail on the head. I do feel we both played a role in breaking the vows. One can argue my behavior is a result of years of no affection, support and what became a “mother-son” relationship. Now how I handled it was also very wrong and begs the question of why didn’t I leave before starting a new relationship.In the end I love him as a person and the father of our children, but no longer as a partner. With that I want to do what I can to be there and be amicable, not leave him high and dry. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 (edited) He tells me “just so I know” timing looks bad as I’m recently at the top of my career and now choose to leave him. Basically ppl will view this as me abandoning him because I’m in a good place? I hope you see this for what it is - a poorly disguised attempt at manipulation. He is afraid you will leave and as such, he’s trying to make you feel guilty about making the decision to end the marriage. That’s not love. He is motivated by his own self interest, he’s not concerned about you. Of course you are going to leave him when you are doing well and at the top of your career - you have options and he knows it... If he was a better man, he would be attempting to better himself such that he can be an equal partner to you. He wouldn’t be holding you back, pulling you down into the mud with him... I want to do what I can to be there and be amicable, not leave him high and dry. Be prepared, “amicable” may well go out the window when you file for divorce and the cold hard reality that he is going to have to support himself financially sinks in. I have a feeling that you are about to see the worst of this man... The above, is a sign of things to come. Edited August 11, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS2855 Posted August 11, 2019 Author Share Posted August 11, 2019 I hope you see this for what it is - a poorly disguised attempt at manipulation. He is afraid you will leave and as such, he’s trying to make you feel guilty about making the right decision for you. That’s not love. He is motivated by his own self interest, he’s not concerned about you. Of course you are going to leave him when you are doing well and at the top of your career - you have options and he knows it... If he was a better man, he would be attempting to better himself such that he can be an equal partner to you. He wouldn’t be holding you back, pulling you down into the mud with him... Be prepared, “amicable” may well go out the window when you file for divorce and the cold hard reality that he is going to have to support himself financially sinks in. I have a feeling that you are about to see the worst of this man... You’re probably right Bailey- I get these pangs of guilt that I’m abandoning him but I can’t do it anymore. I know it won’t be easy but each passing day I have more resentment and I worry our kids are thinking that this is how marriage is supposed to be. A dad that drinks and doesn’t do much in a day, a mom that does the work (outside and inside the home) and parents that don’t fight but speak to each other only when they have to. He’s also half-jokingly said things like how sad to have to tell the kids that mom wants to break up the family. He said it jokingly but that worries me too. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 I worry our kids are thinking that this is how marriage is supposed to be. A dad that drinks and doesn’t do much in a day, a mom that does the work (outside and inside the home) and parents that don’t fight but speak to each other only when they have to. That would worry me too. He’s also half-jokingly said things like how sad to have to tell the kids that mom wants to break up the family. That’s a cruel thing to say - whether he was joking or not. And, he’s not joking. He’s going to need someone to blame. He has firmly placed the blame on you with this comment and the previous comment when he said ”others will think” you are abandoning him... Somebody is going to have to take the blame and it sure as heck isn’t going to be him. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 Ugh. Just file and do it. No way in hell I could stay married to, and support a grown man who sits around and drinks and smokes pot all day and doesn’t work. Get a good lawyer, pay what you have to pay, and get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 In the end I love him as a person and the father of our children, but no longer as a partner. With that I want to do what I can to be there and be amicable Are you still involved with your AP? If so, would seem to contradict the above... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 I have been telling my H for last 6 months I want a divorce but clearly nothing will happen until I file. He tells me “just so I know” timing looks bad as I’m recently at the top of my career and now choose to leave him. Basically ppl will view this as me abandoning him because I’m in a good place? This is the best time to leave him because now you can afford to give him spousal support. Don't worry about what other people think. You can't please everyone so worry about what is best for you and your family. With that I want to do what I can to be there and be amicable, not leave him high and dry. You wouldn't be leaving him high and dry as he will be getting spousal support and a finally a job. You are not his mother so stop acting like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 I guess I’m just looking for support because if I leave I’ll feel I’ve abandoned him financially. I don't disagree with you. If he can pour himself a beer he can certainly pour drinks at a cafeteria. If he can watch TV he can watch security cameras just as easily. If his depression has become a convenience, then he's already abandoned you and the kids along with himself. There's no reason you need to drown with him. "In sickness and in health" presumes you are both active and willing participants in your own best interest. This does not appear to be the case. You can lower your support obligation by showing he's under-employed or willfully unemployed. Income can be imputed to his side of the equation according to his prior work history, skills, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 THe tells me “just so I know” timing looks bad as I’m recently at the top of my career and now choose to leave him. Basically ppl will view this as me abandoning him because I’m in a good place? Maybe I'm just a cruel bastard but, if someone with a 30 year weed habit said that to me, my response: "I already know people wonder why I've waited so long to leave a non-contributing zero." OP, you've been mothering this man-child stoner long enough. Let go of the guilt and push him out of the nest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 If he can pour himself a beer he can certainly pour drinks at a cafeteria. If he can watch TV he can watch security cameras just as easily. There's no reason you need to drown with him. "In sickness and in health" presumes you are both active and willing participants in your own best interest. This does not appear to be the case. Absolutely. OP, if your husband has been unemployed/unable to get a job for the majority of your marriage and/or home drinking/smoking weed all day/everyday... he’s kidding himself if he thinks other people are going to blame you for abandoning him “in his time of need...” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that he has been taking advantage of you for years. Those around you who know the situation and want the best for YOU may actually cheer when you file for divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 (edited) The ones you need to show the most concern for are your children. Their dad has been home with them everday of their lives and to be taken away from him is going to affect them. I agree that he is setting a poor example and not doing a great job of parenting but the kids don't judge the same way we adults do. They love him and it's going to hurt when they leave him. They are going to need lots of assurance and lots of time of time with dad. They are going to need you to be 100% present for them. They should not have to compete with your affair partner for your attention and by that I don't mean just being physically there for them, you also need to be there emotionally and mentally. People in affairs are usually distracted and lost in lala land. People get upset at their affair partner and then go home and take it out on their family, either by being annoyed and irritable or by being silent and moody. I see in your other thread that you say since being in the affair you are anxious and miserable 97% of the time while you live for his text messages and meet ups. Your kids deserve better How awful do you think it will be for them to be taken away from their father and then have to live with a mother who only cares about texting and seeing a cheating married man? If you're going to divorce then this is no time for boyfriends or affairs. Your kids are going to need you so end the affair now so that you can put your focus where it needs to be. Take a year or two off from dating anyone so that you and your kids can properly grieve and heal. Edited August 12, 2019 by anika99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 1. I suggest you end your affair sooner than later. You're both married and it will only create more issues for you down the road. This is particularly true when it comes to a divorce; it will muddy the waters for everyone involved. Your putting a lot of eggs in that basket, emotionally and there's a good chance you'll end up paying for it. A divorce is stressful enough for all involved with dealing with this affair. So, for the sake of your kids and yourself, just get out of it. 2. It sounds like your divorce is going to happen sooner or later and I would make it sooner. Your husband isn't contributing to the marriage in the way he should; being a stay-at-home parent involves much more than simply watching the kids. Between his drinking, weed use and general laziness, you're just going to keep beating your head against a wall. Yes, you'll get stuck with some spousal support but no judge is going to expect you to completely prop him up financially. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Divorce him asap. You are fooling yourself about your/your AP role though. You cheated. It clouded every interaction you had with your spouse and any flaw he had was magnified in your mind as a result of you justifying your affair. You had to justify what you were doing and it was easier with a lazy, stoner, 'good for nothing' husband you could lay blame with. That is how it works with EVERY affair. Without exception. It is simply human nature. There is no 'worse' person on the planet than a guy being cheated on if you believe the cheaters (and a wise person wouldn't always). Accept your part of your problems in your marriage or the next bit of karma you get is going to be even more painful. Your AP is a cheater too. You won't find happiness with him. Take the opportunity to get rid of him too - for you and your kid's welfare. Start over. Work on yourself. Don't cheat. There are ALWAYS repurcussions to that - and you can bet yours aren't over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Whatever you decide to do, it should not be based on a lie (keeping your affair from your husband.) These things have a way of coming out of the woodwork during a divorce. If your husband finds out on his own somehow, he could involve the MM's wife and the whole thing could blow up and destroy two families. Your husband's unemployment should have nothing to do with your decision, but on the other hand, it has been convenient for him to be home to care for your children, whether or not he kept the house clean, etc. Knowing your children were in loving, caring hands must have been a great relief to you during your travel. Hopefully, you and your husband can part amicably. You can temporarily support him while he works to become a productive parent both financially and emotionally. Who knows? Maybe he will believe you've been an enabler. Maybe this will force him to face his demons and get his act together. As far as smoking pot, I prefer it to drinking (recreationally), but if it has become a daily crutch for him, then he needs to seek professional help and it could be used as a lever against him during the divorce and custody battle that will most likely ensue. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 High and dry? Nope. You’ll still need to provide support money - unless he starts making more than you. It doesn’t get easier as you start earning more...it’s just more you’ll have to pay him. Since you intend to divorce him - it’s better to just do it. It’s never gonna get “easier”. Heck, it’s possible if it’s not enough for him to support his habit - he might actually start working. A Dad who hasn’t been working isn’t a great role model for kids - especially if you have boys. They will think they ought to live life like he does things. ?? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 I have been telling my H for last 6 months I want a divorce but clearly nothing will happen until I file. He tells me “just so I know” timing looks bad as I’m recently at the top of my career and now choose to leave him. Basically ppl will view this as me abandoning him because I’m in a good place? Respond with "ugh, enough with the victim mentality!" Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 (edited) As hubby doesn’t work wouldn’t it be more beneficial if he had primary custody of the children, he takes care during the week you have them on the weekends. This provides stability for them, you get to maintain your career and travel when required. There is no major disruption to the children’s routines. You would have tp pay child support, but that would have to happen as you are the primary wage earner. Edited August 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 I am sorry to hear what has happened. I completely understand. I have been there myself. Being the 'grown up' and taking all the responsibility for keeping a roof over the family's head when you want to be taken care of yourself sometimes is really tough. I don't know how you can get out of this marriage but I understand why you need to. You can love someone but feel the situation is more than unfair. You need two adults in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Talk to a lawyer my friend. Call child welfare services and have them pay a visit while he is watching the children and you are at work. If he is high and the house is a mess, he will get 2 counts child neglect. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and the courts will not stand for it. You will get legal and physical custody. The court will impute his income based on his education and experience and limit his parenting time until he gets a job. I would talk to a professional ASAP. Have a beautiful day. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Just file already... you threatening but not taking action makes him think you just continually are bluffing. You have become unbelievable - in his eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 I have been telling my H for last 6 months I want a divorce but clearly nothing will happen until I file. Of course not. He is unemployed. You are the one with the money so you go ahead and file. You don't need his permission to file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts