Coworker

[mantlefan]

Wasn't sure where to post this but I am struggling with a crush on a coworker. We are teachers and she came to the district about three years ago. Going to teacher social events sometimes we'd end up hanging out afterwards with a smaller group of people, and I quickly became enamored with her. Sense of humor, interests, views on life and the reasons she chose the career she did; all of these and more combined with the fact that she is gorgeous and I can't recall having been more attracted to someone in a long time, if ever. I thought we were hitting it off and I (thought that I) asked her out a couple times, and she sort of said yes but we never really ended up going out. I don't want to get into the details of this part too much, but looking back I wasn't clear that I was asking her out on a date. Typing that out it seems really stupid, but working together and getting along I didn't want to make things difficult at work. I do wonder if I had been more direct up front, things might have been different, but I can't change that aspect of things.

 

Anyways, last year, I asked her out and made it clear I was asking about a date. She politely but clearly declined and that was that. We still chatted about work and told jokes back and forth. Almost work friends or whatever. Things were fine, and I figured when summer break came around, I would go on my big out west road trip to California and get some highway under me to get a woman behind me, like some country song. I was feeling pretty good.

 

We came back to work this week, and were polite. I thought there was a chance I was "over" her (not that there was anything between us there to actually get over), but she is as attractive as ever for all the reasons. I had a pretty rough time with a breakup 6 or 7 years ago (thanks LS for the support back then), and while I've been on a couple dates with nice women, I haven't been so taken by anyone until this woman came along. I was pretty content with the single life (and pretty much a solitary life, with few friends and even fewer social acquaintances. Oftentimes I would go to social events because I knew it was "good" for me. I had a fine time usually, it was just exhausting and uncomfortable. I don't make good first impressions I feel so such things are intimidating. And being a teacher I get to build relationships with all sorts of kids, so it's not like I've been devoid of meaningful interaction), and I thought I would be content with that for a long time.

 

But after meeting this woman I have been reconsidering the solitary life and wanting to meet someone who I can be there for and vice versa. Traveling out west this summer, there were a lot of places that seemed nice to live in, and I started to think about moving. Also, the school I work at is implementing some pretty big philosophy changes, some of which I am convinced will have some pretty bad unintended consequences.

 

So to actually get to the point, as I consider moving and finding a new job, I wonder how much it is influencing that desire to leave that I work with someone that I feel is as much my type as anyone could be, and I have to see her every day and interact with her because we work together and in similar roles, combined with the fact that I don't really ever feel much better than I do when I can make her laugh. In other words, is (what feels like) a hopeless crush a silly reason to quit a job that overall is pretty good?

 

But if I stay, perhaps even more important is how to have less of a frustration and downright sadness involving her. The sadness is a bit of a new one. I found out that she and another teacher or two did a coed softball league this summer, and they were going to a party tonight. And at age 30, I can't remember the last time I felt this "left out," which is a weird feeling, as I usually am content spending time outside of work by myself. I am not a social disaster, but I can get a little awkward and feel like I get misunderstood a lot, so I get if I am not an automatic invite to anything going on.

 

I got over a girl I dated for 5 years, so why should it be this hard to clear my head of this woman? Other than being so frustratingly attracted to this woman who is not interested that I can feel it in my teeth, my situation here is overall pretty good. Is quitting your job and moving away from someone you feel this way about just disproportionate silliness? And if I stay, I just don't know what to do to make it easier.

[schlumpy]

I love going out west. I've been to Yellowstone NP nine times and Glacier NP six times on two to three week outings. As many trails that I've hiked and mountains I've been at the top of I haven't scratched the surface of what is there that I haven't seen.

 

If I was your age with your profession I would go.

 

But if you are leaving and hoping that it will solve your relationship problems then you may as well stay where you are because they will go with you.

 

Your crush knows you like her and she has been decent about it in that she could take advantage of your feelings by leading you on but hasn't done that. Only time will allow you to get back emotionally on an even keel with her.

 

Don't avoid her but don't engage. If you are expected to converse be generic and noncommittal. Don't share personal details, experiences or opinions. Don't go out of your way to help her but do help if the request if work related and legitimate. Don't eat lunch in the teacher's lounge when she does. Keep mentioning how you value her as team player.

 

If her car is parked next to yours in the lot and it snows don't clear her windows off.

 

Once your feelings abate then you can loosen up but not till then. Protect yourself.

[Marc878]

From your post she's clearly not interested so I wouldn't go down that road again.

 

At 30 why linger. The reasons don't matter much.

 

I made a lot of changes career wise, many location moves and never regretted it once.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is quitting your job and moving away from someone you feel this way about just disproportionate silliness? And if I stay, I just don't know what to do to make it easier.

 

If there's such a thing as doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, this is it.

 

As others have stated, I'd go in a heartbeat. But I'd be moving towards something, not running from. Go if it's something you look forward to doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mantlefan]

Thanks for the replies. In reading them I think it helped me realize more about my motivations, and I think it would be more moving from rather than moving to. And the idea of "protecting myself" is what really resonated.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Quality men giving quality advice. I love it.