Narcissist?

[Mareea]

My and my boyfriend of 8 years are on the verge of splitting. We have 2 small kids together and I’m just wanting advice on my situation.

 

For the past 5 years, which is how old my son is, my boyfriend has been gone away from the hone I would say 90 percent of the time. He worked 12 hour shifts then on his days off he would go fishing, he rarely had time for us, rarely had time for helping with the kids or giving me a break with the kiddos. I have a 3 year old as well. On the times he would go fishing, he would stay up all night to fish and then sleep most of the day the next day. I would ask him to not fish so much and he would sulk like a baby so eventually I just let him go so I didn’t have to deal with it because it was easier if he went.

 

Not only was he gone all the time, he would criticize everything about me, called my food that I would fix for us slop, make references to how dirty and cluttered the house was, how I didn’t wipe the stove down, that he just bought, efficiently enough for him...he would even dig food particles that would get stuck in the sink drain out and either throw them in the floor or put them on the counter for me to throw away...I’ve watched him get made at a junk drawer and start throwing everything out of it into the floor and then dumping the whole drawer in the trash. He’s critized the things that I would buy at the grocery store with his money. I used to make hairbows to sell and he would look at them with disgust and say no one is going to buy them. If I left clothes on the floor in his bedroom after I changed he would throw them in my kids bedroom on top of their bed, if I left the cellphone charger plugged up without my cellphone actually on it charging he would unplug it and throw it across the room...not to mention other things as well.

 

Recently I decided it was time for me and my kids to go that I had had enough, so I’ve been staying with my mom until a place comes open. Well since I left he keeps saying how much he loves me, how much he wants us together as a family and how he will do anything to keep us together. He has bought me flowers, tried to give me foot rubs, redid the kitchen to make it look better, fixed all kinds of things around the house that I’ve complained about for years now. He texts me how much he loves me and he’s wanting to put the house on the market, something I’ve wanted to do for awhile now, tries to hug me and kiss me non stop, calling me by my old nickname...just exploding my being with love vibes that I don’t want or need.

 

I hate his guts deeply and I don’t want him in my life, however I don’t want to have my kids torn apart if we split and I’m worried how separation will affect them and how I won’t b able to see them everyday if we separate, I’ve been home with these kids for 5 years...they are my world. I’m so conflicted because I wonder if he possibly might change and things would b better, but I have no feelings for him he actually makes my blood boil. And advice please would b helpful...one of my friends thinks he is a narcissist?

 

Just to be clear the house was never filthy like he would claim it to be, our home is somewhat tidy for a home with 2 small active children.

Edited August 10, 2019 by Mareea
Adding something

[samjam7]

From the given information I can not tell if he is narc cause I have heard and seen alot of guys do exactly what he did to keep the girl on the hook.

 

Few signs of narcissism:

 

1) Does he feel entitled?

2)Deep inside do you think he has extremely low self-esteem?

3)Has he ever gaslighted you?

4)Does he display a grandiose sense of self-importance?

5)Have you seen him exploiting others without guilt ?

6)Does he constantly need to be praised/validated?

 

 

If you do believe he is narc then I guess he needs it diagnosed and tbh if its confirmed acc to you then I say RUN! There is no fixing a narc from what I heard.

 

Kids who grow up with a narc parent also end being narcs so you will also do kids a favor.

[Mareea]

Thanks samjam. I think he might be covert narcissist but it’s hard to tell, maybe he’s just a jerk I’m not sure....I was also thinking about something be told me a lot and that was that he would pay and buy me anything I wanted as long as he was getting lots of sex!! That’s not a normal thing to say? Am I right? Kinda of made me feel like a prostitute when he told me that. Thanks again!

[SumGuy]

You don’t need a diagnosis to know he is toxic, demeaning, abusive, and maybe dangerous

He doesn’t need to hit you to be abusive. I would definitely consult with support services for women in abusive relationships, as discretely as possible. Protect yourself and child.

[SumGuy]

In case it wasn’t clear, get him out of your life. Good news is most states will require him to pay child support even if you are not married. You also probably have many rights even if the house is not in your name, it’s the children’s home after all.

[MetallicHue]

It’s irrelevant if he’s a narcissist. Clearly he is not worth the light of day. He is verbally abusive. Completely agree with SumGuy - get him out of your life.

[Commongoal123]

Mareea,

 

Regardless whether he is a Narc or not, he sounds like he's acting like an unappreciative and abusive piece of ****.

 

That in itself, Narc or not, is good reason to leave him. It isnt good for you and is especially not good for your children to experience such bull**** and neglect.

 

I'd tear him a new ******* for ya if we were real life friends. He's acting like a toddler, not a father. I hope you can see that and you are repulsed by it and it's a turn off.

 

Stop giving him power over you and your family by tolerating such behavior and letting him off the hook for fishing and **** like that. Expect major pushback and pouty (or straight up angry) manipulative attempts on his part to regain control.

 

Stop giving.

 

-Common

[Calmandfocused]

Is a Narcissist?.. I don’t know.

 

Is he an abuser? ... 100%!!!

 

I guarantee that the minute you return and at the point he believes he has you hooked again, he will resume his old behaviours and probably up the ante to boot.

 

My children were your children’s age when I left their father. Were they affected? Yes of course they were. But not as affected or as messed up as they would have been, had I stayed.

 

Your children will adapt and they will be fine. They don’t need to see their mother being abused and disrespected by their father.

 

If you’re already out, stay out. The declarations of undying love are just all part of the abuse cycle. Don’t fall for it and keep strong.

[Beendaredonedat]

See a lawyer, find out your rights and his obligations, look into getting yourself into the work force so you can live nicely with your children away from the abuse and control that he has been inflicting on you.

 

Will your parents watch your children while you work?

 

Are you still seeing him even though you have packed and say you are at your parents? You mention him giving you foot rubs. Stop any of that and tell him you want him to leave you alone until you can get your head together and

if he's willing to do anything to get you back, tell him to go to an anger management course and personal therapy to work on what is wrong with him because there is DEFO something wrong with him.

 

See if he does that and if he doesn't then you pretty much know that what he's telling you now is just another load of hooey.

 

Well since I left he keeps saying how much he loves me, how much he wants us together as a family and how he will do anything to keep us together.

Why not see just how sincere he is about THAT. Even if he does do it, don't go back there until he's been in therapy and you have assurance from his therapist that he's 'jerk-free' Edited August 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Mareea]

Thanks guys for the helpful advice, I always second guess myself about things and he has been making it hard to stick to my plans to stay away. He says he’s changed and he’s not the man that he was before, which seems unbelievable to me, no one changes that much in a few weeks...he seems genuinely concerned now about losing me and the kids and I feel sad for him but he didn’t seem to feel sad for me when he left me to myself all the time. I feel a little guilty like I should want to give it another try but I do not have one single ounce of want to make it work with him. It’s a sad time for sure.

 

I do work from home and go into the office a few days a week so I have been saving everything for us to have a decent place to live. He was molested as a child he said and I often wonder if that could b some reason behind his oddness not to mention he’s an army veteran and has been deployed twice.

 

I needed some encouragement today to stay on my path so I appreciate all the needed support!

[Commongoal123]

Keep at it Mareea. The feelings you're having are normal for someone who cares. Dont let it suck you back in.

 

And you're right. Nobody changes that quickly. He will only go back to his old behaviors if you go back to him.

[Beendaredonedat]

He was molested as a child he said and I often wonder if that could b some reason behind his oddness not to mention he’s an army veteran and has been deployed twice.

Well that would explain his mental issues. He likely has PTS and he should be in therapy to help him with all of his issues. He's yet to come to terms with the abuse or the horrors he likely saw when deployed.

 

Encourage him to get himself to therapy and do not go back to him until he has. As long as he continues to implore you to come back to him, the weaker you will become to his 'science.'

[Mareea]

Thanks guys! It’s not easy for sure. The odd thing now is that now that we are gone and apart from him, he says he doesn’t want to go fishing or be away from us. He just wants his family back...how odd?!? But when we were all a family unit he couldn’t be found anywhere. I feel like he just took us for granted or something idk, it’s hard to explain and it’s very hard to understand. It’s so confusing and frustrating on my part when all I want for him to do is leave me alone. He says he’s very lost and doesn’t know what to do, I’ve just been ignoring him because I can’t take it it’s very stressful especially when I am trying to move into another place within the week.

[Beendaredonedat]

Instead of ignoring him why don't you encourage him to get the therapy he needs? You have kids together that he has every right to see so I'm sure you want him to be mentally healthy when it's his turn for custody.

[Mareea]

Instead of ignoring him why don't you encourage him to get the therapy he needs? You have kids together that he has every right to see so I'm sure you want him to be mentally healthy when it's his turn for custody.

 

 

Yes ma’am I did encourage him to seek help for himself and have done that for years now, I’m only ignoring him to keep my stress level down...thanks for the reply!

[Beendaredonedat]

Yes ma’am I did encourage him to seek help for himself and have done that for years now, I’m only ignoring him to keep my stress level down...thanks for the reply!

 

IMO... Your choice to act or not, of course: Ignoring him at this point (wherein he still thinks his contact will hoover you back to him) will likely just make him try harder and blow up any means of contact he has to you.

 

Tell him that you do not want to have any discussion with him until he tells you that he is in therapy... he can use his Vet contacts to get that set up (yes?).

 

He is going to want access to his children sooner or later and if I were you, I'd certainly want him to be in his best mental state that he can be in.

 

"He says he's very lost and doesn't know what to do." Why don't you give him the phone number of the Vets Association in your town/city and tell him that he should contact them about his issues and find out how they can help him.

 

Its very likely that his two deployments have a whole lot to do with his current behaviour.

 

Up to you of course but his mental health isn't up to par. I'd be worried about his behaviour (perhaps desperation) around your children.

[Mareea]

Yes, I worry about his parenting when I’m not around. I know he loves his kids but he’s not exactly observant when it comes to keeping them...he does know who to contact to get help because he has mentioned going there in the past to seek treatment but never did. Thank you for all your advice and help, my main concern is the kids, I don’t want him to keep them from him but I also don’t want them harmed. He used to frequently think it was okay to not put them in their correct car seats/sometimes no car seats!!! I have a huge problem with that I dunno why he can’t just put them in a car seat. It just makes no sense to me! There are always enough car seats for the kids to be properly in one!

[Beendaredonedat]

.he does know who to contact to get help because he has mentioned going there in the past to seek treatment but never did.

Then next time he contacts you, please tell him that you don't want to hear from him again unless he has appointments booked with those that can help him.

 

I know you don't want to talk to him but he needs encouragement to go and he needs the help obviously.

[Highndry]

This guy is a major a-hole. I think you should, sooner rather than later, tell him the truth, that there is absolutely zero chance of getting back together because you have no feelings left whatsoever, and never will.