from best friends to lovers to nothing

[vladimiir]

We met 4 years ago and we instantly became friends, and eventually best friends. She was in a relationship, i was in a relationship and we both broke up with our partners 2 years ago and then our relationship started.

It was a rough start, i didn't love her at first, i felt kinda forced in this relationship, but it didn't matter, i enjoyed spending time with her and she was amazing.

She has helped me evolve beyond my imagination, supported me all the way and loved me very much.

She got a new job, really stressfull for her and eventually she started feeling unloved (not sure this is a word) and this is where it all began.

For the story to make sense i have to mention our group of friends, ever since we've been together, 2 years ago, we had a group of friends with whom we spent alot of time, mostly couples in this group and we were incredibly close.

And now the story of the breakup.

She was once at a party with our friends, i didn't go, at that party she met a guy who started flirting with her. The next day, we met and she told me she wanted to break up with me because she was feeling unloved and that other dudes show her appreciation and interest and she didn't have that from me, acusing me of not loving her. We managed to get back together the exact same day.

 

Months later, she went through my phone and witnessed a conversation with me and a girl i was chatting some rather sexual things, you might not believe this but it wasn't serious. I was only having fun, never slept with the girl, never talked to that girl again after that conversation and never had an interest whatsoever in cheating or breaking up. I know, it's the most terrible thing in the world but i never ment to do anything. She forgived me the next day and we went on with the relationship for about a month.

 

Last week, she told me she didn't love me anymore, that i don't love her and i only love to stability of the relationship. I left her a couple of days and i reached out, trying to fix things, to explain that i loved her and it's not just stability. She told me that she was happy being alone, for the first time in 2 years she was happy. She again mentioned the dudes that give her attention and that is what she wanted from me.

She said that she doesn't want me out of her life and that we should let time pass and be friends again and that she will reach out to me when she thinks the time is right to become friends (i'll never be able to be friends with her, sadly).

 

She told our friends (i mentioned them earlier) that she needs time and that we will be friends again and things will be alright, poor fools believed her.

 

Days before the break up i met her grandmother and we've bonded. Days before that she was talking to my mom about how she wanted our wedding, yeah, we were planning on moving in together and getting married.

 

I know the damn no contact rule, i hate it so much but i'm respecting it, it's been a week now.

I really want her back, if any kind stranger from this forum would give me some piece of advice i'd be forever in his debt.

 

Sorry for the wall of text, felt good writing about it.

[Maggiemay1]

she went through my phone and witnessed a conversation with me and a girl i was chatting some rather sexual things, you might not believe this but it wasn't serious. I was only having fun, never slept with the girl, never talked to that girl again after that conversation and never had an interest whatsoever in cheating or breaking up.

 

She told our friends (i mentioned them earlier) that she needs time and that we will be friends again and things will be alright, poor fools believed her

 

I believe you when you say you never intended on meeting this girl you were having sexual chats with , but I believe that girl didn’t know you were in a relationship with someone else and despite you protesting innocence , it wasn’t innocent. It was of utmost disrespect to your gf.

 

“Poor fools believed her”? What does that mean?

These people are not your friends? Sounds as if you consider yourself above them / don’t like them? Or they took her side? Or what?? You seem pissed off with them! Why?

 

It sounds like the relationship started off as a rebound and continued long past it’s expiry date.

 

What do you want help with?

[vladimiir]

I believe you when you say you never intended on meeting this girl you were having sexual chats with , but I believe that girl didn’t know you were in a relationship with someone else and despite you protesting innocence , it wasn’t innocent. It was of utmost disrespect to your gf.

 

She knew i was in a relationship. I wasn't innocent, i was stupid because i didn't realise the gravity of my acts. I didn't give it importance at all because for me it was just joking around...and to be honest i never expected my girlfriend will go through my phone.

 

“Poor fools believed her”? What does that mean?

These people are not your friends? Sounds as if you consider yourself above them / don’t like them? Or they took her side? Or what?? You seem pissed off with them! Why?

 

Don't get it wrong, they are awesome people and i love their friendship. By poor fools i mean they are so sweet of thinking that me and my ex will eventually be friends again. I think they hope we can be friends so the group won't scatter because of our breakup. Even tho they will never pick a side, me or my ex will have to let go of the group and from the looks of it, it might be me.

 

I need help with trying to get her back i guess, or aknowledging the fact that we won't be together again.

[elaine567]

Like a lot of young guys do with gfs, you took her for granted, you assumed her love was forever. She on the other hand did not like that, she felt unloved, unsupported...

You then decided to fool around with some other girl - great idea.

 

Now it is over and you want her to come back, what to?

Some cheater who never showed her he really cared???

 

Next time treat your gf like a human being.

Your mother and family will put up with just about anything and still love you. Gfs don't, you take your eye off the ball and they disappear into the arms of another.

[rjc149]

I know the damn no contact rule, i hate it so much but i'm respecting it, it's been a week now.

 

The only thing you can control is the probability of her reaching out again, and the only way to do that is no contact until she reaches out. She said she would, and sounds like she very well might.

 

But she may not. You have to accept that in your mind. You have to let her go. If she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn't, then she doesn't.

 

FYI, if I caught my gf sexting some guy, she'd be done. Even if they never met in person. It's not okay. It's hard to imagine that she sees your relationship in a very positive light right now. The only thing that will change that is space and time.

 

The best advice you're going to get is to stick to no contact. There's nothing else you can do or say.

[preraph]

Sorry things turned out that way. But she did monkey-branch from another guy to you, so you can often expect the same thing to happen TO you. '

 

And I have to say, if flirting sexy things with that girl online meant so little to you, then why even do something that totally can derail any relationship? That's just not smart and it's not believable. Here you are giving that stranger attention and not your own woman, so what is she supposed to think.

[vladimiir]

Past few weeks were the worst weeks of my life.

My grandmother died, was the first funeral i ever attended. Week later my girlfriend broke up with me and days later after the breakup i lost my job.

 

I know that what i did has no pardon, i know, and it's killing me inside.

Every moment of the day i think of her and how i did her wrong chatting to that girl i wasn't even interested in. When i'm not thinking of her i'm thinking abou what am i gonna do now, alone and jobless.

 

She told our friends that she is finally happy, after 2 years she is finally happy...

 

How can I forgive myself? Not only i'm deveststed by the mistake i made with the chat, i'm also questioning everything now because she made it look like her entire unhappiness was because of me...

[schlumpy]

She may be back after she gets tired of her new boyfriend(s) or they get tired of her and your stability starts to look a lot better.

 

Very dumb of you to run an EA on her. She has a right to be mad about it except that it was more useful to her as an excuse to break-off.

 

Maybe when she calls you'll call it even? I wouldn't. She's taking a break from the relationship and that's why she tells your friends that in the future things will be better.

 

Your choice.

[Marc878]

I would not do the friends thing. There is nothing in that for you. Do you really want to be around her and her boyfriend?

 

You do the needy/clingy/chasing thing it'll just make this worse.

 

No contact is your only good option.

[Highndry]

...Your mother and family will put up with just about anything and still love you. Gfs don't, you take your eye off the ball and they disappear into the arms of another.

 

 

Which suggests that those "arms of another" were cultivated while she was with him, meaning she is just as guilty, if not worse. Not a great example, elaine.

[assertives]

Seems like both you and her are remembering what the relationship was like differently. She has told you more than once that she didn't feel like you cared about her or loved her. While you on the other hand felt you guys were best friends and lovers. The regular guy she met at a party gave her more attention that you did and made her realised what is lacking from her relationship and what she didn't want, so she wanted to break up with you. While you managed to convince her otherwise, it doesn't sound like you did much to address/work on the situation of her feeling neglected and unloved, and not only that, you sext some other girl. No wonder she felt that you don't love her and only love the stability of a relationship with her.

 

You sexting the other girl was wrong, but the bigger problem in your relationship was beyond that, she didn't feel you cared or loved her as a partner even before you sext that other person. I'm sorry for your losses, but the best thing you can do for her now is to stay away and respect her needs for time and space.

[elaine567]

Which suggests that those "arms of another" were cultivated while she was with him, meaning she is just as guilty, if not worse. Not a great example, elaine.

 

When women (or men) are unhappy and feeling unloved and taken for granted, they start looking around.

When there are other guys (girls) interested, they stop ignoring them and start taking them seriously.

There is no "guilt" in disengaging. It is how it works.

Dating is there to find compatibility, to find a person one is happy with, to find love.

It is not about finding a person and sticking it out forever... no matter what...

If the other person is incompatible, does not make one happy and is not showing love, then it is time to move on...

Life is too short.

[Highndry]

When women (or men) are unhappy and feeling unloved and taken for granted, they start looking around.

When there are other guys (girls) interested, they stop ignoring them and start taking them seriously.

There is no "guilt" in disengaging. It is how it works.

Dating is there to find compatibility, to find a person one is happy with, to find love.

It is not about finding a person and sticking it out forever... no matter what...

If the other person is incompatible, does not make one happy and is not showing love, then it is time to move on...

Life is too short.

 

 

Shopping around for a replacement while you're in a relationship is dirty pool. Period. Man or woman, they should have the respect to end the relationship then go about the search for a replacement. Hanging around until you find something better is sleazy and disingenuous.

[vladimiir]

Hei, it's me again. In case you don't know, my story is in the "from best friends to lovers to nothing" thread.

 

I need your help, i have a plan and i really, really need advices from you.

I know some of you might tell me to not try it, but i will, i already lost her so nothing worse can happen. And don't worry about a possible heartbreak, i've spent the last weeks figuring my life without her and i'm confident i will be fine in the end.

 

Let's get explaining.

In september, there are 2 important dates in our lives as a couple, former couple. One date is they day i told her for the first time that i love her, she tattooed the date on her back and the other date is her birthday, these are 3 days apart from eachother, the first being the date she has tattoed.

I will keep NC until then, it will be more than 30 days of NC by then.

On the date she has tattoed i have no ideea if i should do something, but mostly i plan on doing nothing in that date because i don't know what and i don't want to seem desperate. If you have any suggestions, feel free to help.

Now, regarding her birthday, we have the same friends, so she will definitely invite our friends to her birthday, i think there are 50-50 chances of her inviting me aswell, because at the breakup she said she wanted us to be friends, she even told our friends the same thing, but let's assume she won't invite me.

I want to buy a decent present for her, nothing to fancy so she won't think i'm trying to buy her back but something decent, something she likes, so my gift will be the book she always wanted Divine Comedy by Dante Aligheri and some flowers and i will add a letter into the book where i will simply write "Happy birthday. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Love you."

 

Among the group of friends there is a couple who were our couple's best couple friends, they were some kind of godparents to us, and they will 100% go.

I will ask them to give her the present for me.

 

Now, as i know her, she will thank me for the present, and that's how probably the NC will be broken.

 

After that, i will wait a couple of days, invite her to a coffee, as friends, keep things cool, no proposals, no nothing. After the coffee date (if she will agree), will try to keep in touch with her and on the 2nd date, i will make the proposal of restarting our relationship from scratch, and i hope she will say yes.

 

Thank you for reading this, and don't hesitate to advise me on what i could do better and if i should do something about the date i told her i love her for the first time, which is 3 days before her birthday.

Should i write more in the letter, should i write my honest feelings and apologies for ruining our relationship?

[Reznar]

I see that you have already planned everything and you are keen on doing this, but my advice is DON'T.

 

You will not get her back this way. I read your thread and she even told you that she is happy being single. It seems that you did hurt her and you two are not suited for a relationship together. I know you are hurt and think that doing this plan is a good thing, but it is not. This will not go how you will expect it to go and you will end up hurt, even if you say you won't.

 

The best chance of getting her back is no contact. Respect her wishes, she said she is happy, leave it be. She might break no contact and thank you for the flowers, but that's about it. Tbh, doing this will only make you look weak and very needy, especially messaging her again after that for a coffee, it's manipulative to say the least.

 

No contact. Either she contacts you and you hit it off again, or she doesn't. Don't do this.

[preraph]

Won't she likely be with her boyfriend or whoever she's dating on her birthday?

[MetallicHue]

Dude I read what she said about no love anymore. You can’t go back from that. I know it hurts but pack it in and move on.

[vladimiir]

I know the risk and i'm willing to go for it.

I realised that this breakup was a blessing for both of us, if we ever have a future together it's because of this breakup and if we will never be together again it's fine, because our relationship was going downhill anyway.

This breakup might be a breath of fresh air.

 

If she gets another dude until then, i will be a man about it and still get her that present, without flowers, without the letter (or with letter, i'll see) but i will get her that book because that's the way i am. I love someone, i respect someone, i'm there for their birthday, as much as i can.

 

What if with that simple gesture i revive something inside her? Yes, might f* up everything, but it's already over, more over than that it can't be.

[Allupinnit]

We can all tell you that's a terrible idea and what will most likely happen, but it sounds like your mind is already made up regardless of the circumstances.

 

Be sure to come back and tell us how it goes.

[MetallicHue]

You sound desperate and that’s not very healthy. I’ve been there for other reasons myself. All you are going to do is get hurt even more when this blows up in your face. There is no risk - there is certainty in outcome. I hope you can come back a few months from now with a different perspective after NC.

[Reznar]

I know the risk and i'm willing to go for it.

I realised that this breakup was a blessing for both of us, if we ever have a future together it's because of this breakup and if we will never be together again it's fine, because our relationship was going downhill anyway.

This breakup might be a breath of fresh air.

 

If she gets another dude until then, i will be a man about it and still get her that present, without flowers, without the letter (or with letter, i'll see) but i will get her that book because that's the way i am. I love someone, i respect someone, i'm there for their birthday, as much as i can.

 

What if with that simple gesture i revive something inside her? Yes, might f* up everything, but it's already over, more over than that it can't be.

 

You're holding on to a fake Hollywood fantasy. Nothing will get revived inside her because women don't work that way. You will look needy and desperate and she will respect you even less then she does now. It's already over, but no contact can still salvage the situation in the future and she might come back, if you do this, i honestly doubt she ever will. But, do what you think is the best decision.

[Highndry]

There is only 1 move when a woman breaks up with you - you go no contact after telling her "if you have a change of heart, you have my number." That's it, then you disappear as if she never existed.

[elaine567]

She broke up with you as she felt unloved and uncared for by you, and you cheated on her, so a bit ironic you wheel out the book, the flowers and the "love" letter for her birthday.

I guess straight into the bucket...

 

You see a woman you love and adore, she sees a man who let her down big time and cheated on her...

 

Reserve the loving gestures for your next gf...

Few will give you second chances, the trick is to get it right the first time.

[spiderowl]

For whatever reason, she felt unloved and uncared for by you. She was interested in the attention other guys were giving her. I don't know whether she was justified in feeling the way she did but it is clear she was interested in other guys.

 

I would not recommend giving her a birthday present or making contact. If you two ever got together again, it would be because you had maintained a distance, learned from this and become more mature. She can't see you as someone she has to make an effort for if you are right there in front of her giving her presents. If you behave towards others as a respectful, decent guy, she might start missing you - who knows? But she will not be interested if she hasn't had chance to miss you.

 

I think you need to really back off and get used to being on your own. Once you have got over the immediate heartbreak of losing her, date other women, spend time with them - you never know, you might find that you have been missing out on attention too!

 

She was interested in other guys. Leave her to it and look after yourself now. There are other women out there.

[vladimiir]

So far i've been in 3 breakups, this one being the 3rd, in the first 2 breakups NC saved my life and i'm 100% sure that NC would work this time too, but the result might not be the one i'm expecting.

I'm not madly in love like i was when i got dumped the first time, i was engaged back then and she left me for another guy. And the 2nd one was even worse, not gonna start telling that story.

 

But this time, it's different, I know that if i will not contact her again i'll be ok, it's been 2 weeks and i'm back on track, feeling fine, one more month and i'll be able to start dating again (i doubled the time spent at the gym ).

 

But you guys have to believe me that i do not want to lose her for good. It has to be something i can do besides giving her the chance to completely get over me. I've never had someone so invested in my life, not even my parents, she helped me grow into the man i am today and i can't just stand here waiting. She's worth fighting for! I know i ****ed up and i'm not the only one around who has, i've learned my lesson, i'm ok with everything i've done wrong and i know i can prevent them from happening again, i even know how.

 

You guys have been on these forums longer than i have been, thousand of threads, must've been a couple of them who had a happy ending. (i know getting over a breakup is also a happy ending)

So please, if there is anything you know might work besides ice cold no contact, help me out. NC can't be the unique solution for every problem, right?

There has to be another option, not every break up has to be permanent, and i feel that sometimes you have to fight before you give up.