BillRicotta Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Hi LoveShack, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, but have been friends for 3 years before this point, hanging around in the same group of friends. Around 2 years ago, I started having feelings for her, and felt that I never got any reciprocation to my admittedly incredibly subtle flirting (always sitting next to her and talking to her during group events to the point that almost everyone else was sidelined, being particularly nice to her, getting her unique gifts from my holidays). I feared rejection would sour our friendship. About a year ago, she went abroad for studies, at which point, after 5 months, I decided to use dating apps to try and get over her. One such encounter, while i was looking for a relationship, resulted in the loss of my virginity. During the time I was on the dating apps, my soon-to-be girlfriend and I were beginning to chat more and more and she confided in me that she had had feelings for me for over a year. I was elated and told her I felt the same, and we have been dating ever since. However, I had told her I was using dating apps, and told her about my encounter, and how it happened on the second date. She was deeply upset at the time, but was overall happy that I reciprocated feelings for her. however, ever since that point she's begun to have lots of fears, that I don't care much about her, that i'm going to break up with her, and despite my efforts in making plans with her and coming to see her and her coming to see me, she thinks this is not something that I'm doing especially for her. She's never had a partner before and is upset that I lost my virginity in the way that I did, and she fears that I'll leave her if she doesn't have sex with me soon (to which I've told her I'm happy to wait for years; even now our intimacy is limited and we discuss everything before we think about doing it). I apologise constantly and I tell her that I'm sorry that she feels I didn't care about her, but this doesn't really resolve anything and we often argue over it so very often. I feel this describes retroactive jealousy, which I understand to be fears/feelings of inadequacy compared to a previous partner/previous partners, or being hurt by a partner's past history, but she says it doesn't because it didn't happen before I met her, but after I had, and after I began to have feelings for her. That I could have acted in such a manner means I didn't really care for her. She feels that our situation is uniquely specific and uniquely horrific. Do you people agree that it's something else, or is this retroactive jealousy? Please do ask for clarification; I've most likely cut a lot of things out for the sake of brevity! tl;dr: Is it 'retroactive jealousy' if the things that upset her happened after I knew her, but before we were dating, and during the time that I liked her? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 However, I had told her I was using dating apps, and told her about my encounter, and how it happened on the second date. She was deeply upset at the time, but was overall happy that I reciprocated feelings for her. Bill. What compelled you to tell her about your encounter? The girl you've been after for so long finally says I like you too and you tell her, "That's great! BTW, I had sex with another girl while you were studying overseas." How did you think she was going to take that revelation? I have to suspect you did that on purpose, otherwise it makes absolutely no sense. Did she ask you about your sex life while she was gone? Did she know you where running dating aps? You kicked a big hole in your own boat and may have lost what you claimed you most desired. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 You ruined it for her. This was a great love story, but now you are no longer her romantic lead, just some horny guy who had sex on a second date with some girl from a dating app... What was your motive for telling her that? Now she does't trust you. Now she doesn't believe you love her. Now you are not the guy she thought you were... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) Dude what were you thinking?! You don't tell your lady love $#%& like that!! How would you feel if the tables were turned, and while she was away, decided to toss her v-card, got smashed by some guy in her dorm, then told you about it when you started dating/getting close??? You would have been devastated, and probably would look at her as being of lesser value, a tramp, easy. I doubt this will ever become of anything now.....it's a dunner. I would have yo agree with her.....you have every chance to ask her out, but you didn't...that says to her that you didn't care enough to take the risk of being rejected. Edited August 10, 2019 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Hi LoveShack, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, but have been friends for 3 years before this point, hanging around in the same group of friends. Around 2 years ago, I started having feelings for her, and felt that I never got any reciprocation to my admittedly incredibly subtle flirting (always sitting next to her and talking to her during group events to the point that almost everyone else was sidelined, being particularly nice to her, getting her unique gifts from my holidays). I feared rejection would sour our friendship. About a year ago, she went abroad for studies, at which point, after 5 months, I decided to use dating apps to try and get over her. One such encounter, while i was looking for a relationship, resulted in the loss of my virginity. During the time I was on the dating apps, my soon-to-be girlfriend and I were beginning to chat more and more and she confided in me that she had had feelings for me for over a year. I was elated and told her I felt the same, and we have been dating ever since. However, I had told her I was using dating apps, and told her about my encounter, and how it happened on the second date. She was deeply upset at the time, but was overall happy that I reciprocated feelings for her. however, ever since that point she's begun to have lots of fears, that I don't care much about her, that i'm going to break up with her, and despite my efforts in making plans with her and coming to see her and her coming to see me, she thinks this is not something that I'm doing especially for her. She's never had a partner before and is upset that I lost my virginity in the way that I did, and she fears that I'll leave her if she doesn't have sex with me soon (to which I've told her I'm happy to wait for years; even now our intimacy is limited and we discuss everything before we think about doing it). I apologise constantly and I tell her that I'm sorry that she feels I didn't care about her, but this doesn't really resolve anything and we often argue over it so very often. I feel this describes retroactive jealousy, which I understand to be fears/feelings of inadequacy compared to a previous partner/previous partners, or being hurt by a partner's past history, but she says it doesn't because it didn't happen before I met her, but after I had, and after I began to have feelings for her. That I could have acted in such a manner means I didn't really care for her. She feels that our situation is uniquely specific and uniquely horrific. Do you people agree that it's something else, or is this retroactive jealousy? Please do ask for clarification; I've most likely cut a lot of things out for the sake of brevity! tl;dr: Is it 'retroactive jealousy' if the things that upset her happened after I knew her, but before we were dating, and during the time that I liked her? I think it is just your gf being insecure. Just be completely open and honest with her. Also if this is something that you want to last, give her complete access to your phone and pc/laptop. Not your banking just yet. When she brings it up tell her to watch your actions and see that they mirror your word. Give her your phone to go thru if she ever asks for it. Never say what one second, just hand it over. Last thing for now, just hold her when she feels this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 I think that damage is already done. Now it is time to repair if needed. Like he said, he thought she was gone for good. So he went out to get over her. If she was thinking that they were both waiting to have sex, good job on being honest with her Bill. It would have been a heck of a lot worse if she found out any of way. Let your actions from here on out speak for themselves on how you feel about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Why on Earth would you tell her. Would you want her telling you about the guy that was banging her last week? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 In my opinion, it's just immaturity. She doesn't know how things really work in the real world. She probably idealized how love would happen for her either from rom-coms or fairytales and she's not lived much to dispel those expectations. See, she is still idealistic and believes that there is this one person you are destined to be each other's one and only -- and that's a fairytale. It is often a hard lesson for especially young women to learn. It's just not reality. Because she believes this, she thinks it's a tragedy that you were attracted to and had sex with another woman. She thinks if your love was predestined, you could not have been attracted to any other woman. Someone needs to sit her down and explain things to her, like an older sister or married aunt or something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted August 24, 2019 Share Posted August 24, 2019 You were single, she was away for 5 months. You did what any young person would, and had fun. Im guessing that any time before that, if she'd reached out to you romantically you would have been hers. But she didn't, it happens. You don't have to apologize for anything. Your her BF but she doesn't own your past. You don't have to be a virgin, just because she is. She should be happy that you are with her in the present moment. Unless she can get over this, Id recommend getting out of there. She'll get worse with time. Maybe recommend she has some therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 Yes us older mature posters can sit there and say well she isn't mature enough...but who really is at that age? very few. She doesn't need therapy...a lot of people her age would feel the way she does. There is nothing wrong with the sex, got that, it happens and why not right? you are single do what you want...but outright telling someone especially in her position is not right, it's hurtful no matter how you slice it. OP you stepped in it...good luck scraping that off your shoe. Your past is no one's bizzwax. No different than if you split up and get back together....IMO nothing should be mentioned about the ONS or the hookups with an ex, etc during that time. None of their business. Me personally wouldn't care to know but that's the older mature me. I would have a much different opinion if I was 20. OP hope this is a lesson learned. Keep your mouth shut and don't offer any info unless they want it...even then you can still be vague, and it's your right to. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted August 26, 2019 Share Posted August 26, 2019 Well, older people can have retroactive jealousy also. It's something that knows no bounds unfortunately. We can excuse her behaviour based on age, but when I was a teenager I had a gf who had no retroactive jealousy. I've also had a gf in her late 20's who had loads. OP's gf is basically demanding he should have remained a virgin. Even though she had never expressed an interest in him. And he's had a grand total of ONE partner!! Link to post Share on other sites
big dog Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 As a sufferer myself for years and have studied it extensively I can tell you this is not retroactive jealousy. She's not as much jealous as she is hurt. Anyway, Retro is a different ballgame. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Seem the thread starter was a drive by, thread closed till thy return. If they want it reopened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who gave the thread starter advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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