wishingonastar Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Thoughts...? When me and my husband were dating I discovered a text sent to his best friend’s wife (that was sent on his old ancient phone before we even knew each other) that said something along the lines of ‘Phwoar, your arse looks amazing’. Reason I was looking at this phone in the first place was helping him move his contacts off of there or something, he was sat there with me, I wasn’t just picking up his phone and scrolling through personal stuff! I asked him what all that was about, I was shocked, this was his best friend’s wife and he sent a text like that to her? He said it didn’t mean anything and he was just joking around. Fast forward maybe 7 or 8 years. We’re married now, he gets in touch with one of his old friends. They arrange to meet up. At some point maybe my husband had run out of credit on his phone or something or just ended up needing to use my phone to text his friend. No problem, husband sends a text saying *using wife’s phone... bla bla bla*. Friend replied will meet whenever, that’s that. Husband’s friend comes over to our house, chats with my husband, goes home. I think nothing of it. Couple of days later I end up getting text messages, this guy is coming on to me. Shocked, I show my husband and he says that his friend is just messing around and to ignore it. I flip and tell husband to tell his friend to stop texting me and leave me alone. Husband phoned friend up and tells him (phone call was at work so I don’t know what was said). Today we ended up arguing and these two events were brought up again. I said I couldn’t believe you could text your friend’s wife such a thing and your friend could text me such things. Husband was almost laughing and saying ‘It’s just banter!’. All of my mates used to do stuff like that when we’re younger. That’s just what we’re like with each other. (The guy who texted me, Phil’s friend, used to hang around with his other friend and his wife so they all know each other). I asked him if he thought it would be ok if I sent his friend or my friend’s wive’s or husband’s a ‘come on’ flirtatious message, would that be ok? Yes was his reply if we knew them and knew what each other was like. No if it was sent meaning something different. How the hell am I supposed to know the difference between the two with his mates? I was not in his little ‘group’, I’m an outsider. Am I wrong to be overacting with this? I just think husband is being naive and weird with all of this. I don’t think his friend would approve if I told him he’d texted his wife such things but I don’t want to say anything as my husband told me that his friend used to beat up his wife when he was younger, I don’t want her getting in any trouble. I have a feeling husband is just trying to get out of sending a dodgy text to his mate’s wife... annoyed that he wasn’t more annoyed about his so called ‘friend’ texting me flirtatious messages. I would freak out if I saw the same on my husband’s phone from one of my friends. I’ve been struggling recently with feeling depressed and it’s very difficult to get through the day. Haven’t been the same since my Dad died. Husband mocks me telling me well he finds it easy to get up in a morning and just get on with stuff. He tells me that I’m angry or upset about stuff all of the time. I need his help with me feeling down but he just gets fed up of me being down and won’t help. Thoughts...? :-( Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 It may or may not "mean" something in the sense that there is any actual infidelity going on. In isolation, my guess is it does not. What it does mean, in my view, is that you and your husband have different boundary settings for interpersonal relationships with friends. He doesn't think pretending to flirt with wives/SO's as a joke among friends is an issue. You clearly do. Suggest having a calm, friendly, and rational discussion with him about this so it's clear to him where you stand and that it genuinely bothers you. IF you think this is a sign that real infidelity is a possibility, i.e. that he is fishing around and testing the waters OR possibly might wish to open up your marriage, those would be very different issues IMO that would require a very different approach. You don't sound like the type of person who would accept an open marriage (and very few folks indeed accept infidelity), and that's just fine - it's who you are. So you'd probably need to take much stronger actions. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 You both definitely have different tolerance for sexual innuendo. I would not be happy if my friends were coming on to my wife. Not happy at all. I'd like to think my reaction is normal but in todays world - what is normal? My only thought on the matter is that there are always groups of friends that swap boyfriends and girlfriends. They weren't being promiscuous they just stay within their own social circle which can be small. A relationship would run it's course and they would take up with the friend. Sometimes new faces came in or out but not often. Does this sound like your husbands group of friends growing up? If it does and they all shared a bed at sometime in the past that could explain the familiarity with which they comport with one another. Other then being a bit crude and brassy I don't see any harm among consenting adults. Obviously you are not a consenting adult so it's not alright with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Yeah, I'd say at some time in the past at least, your husbands friends crossed a lot of boundaries and "Bros before hoes" was likely their credo. And maybe he feels he can't say anything now or just doesn't see the need. I'd send that guy's wife the come-on and just find out. Well, sounds like that guy isn't good anyway if he beat his poor wife up. Dodgy friends. You have boundaries, so use them! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 That's what I was thinking Schlumpy. Also that these guys are up for a wife swap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 you need to see a doctor regarding your depression Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 What exactly did your husband's friend message you that your husband thinks is just banter and you think its flirtatious? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 I’ve been struggling recently with feeling depressed and it’s very difficult to get through the day. Haven’t been the same since my Dad died. Husband mocks me telling me well he finds it easy to get up in a morning and just get on with stuff. He tells me that I’m angry or upset about stuff all of the time. I need his help with me feeling down but he just gets fed up of me being down and won’t help. Thoughts...? :-( Isn’t his failure to understand your depression a bigger issue than an 8-year old text message? If you’re seeing a therapist, something to discuss with them... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts