He was not single....when can i move on?

[Pinknyc]

Hi all,

 

Haven't posted in several months. Some of you may recall my situation was one where I dated someone seriously for several months who represented himself as single, never married, and without children. Talked about building a beautiful life together, spent weekdays and weekends together, etc.. Then I found out through my own efforts that he was NOT single. Instead, he was married (he gave me a false name) for 20 years, had a college-aged child, and 15 years older (that was the least of my concerns). However, I was very emotionally invested, and had not felt this type of connection in my couple decades of relationships.

 

Chose to confront him. He initially denied it, and then said he was going to tell me soon, but wanted the chance for me to get to know him. Told me he was going to make it right, and that the marriage had been unhappy for a very long time, but stayed for the daughter. Worried she would not speak to him again, etc. I never asked him to leave his wife or family, but he said he would talk to both of them, and to give him a month to redeem himself. I did not see him during that time.

 

After he was busted, he started withdrawing emotionally and could tell he was distancing. Several weeks go by and I could tell he was postponing and making excuses. He allegedly he told his W about me, and she wanted him to stay, so he could not leave, 19-yo daughter still needed him, etc.

 

So before the month was off, I ended it. Did not want to be strung along. Then for several weeks, I seriously debated whether to tell the W and the person whose name he was using. And I did disclose to both. No reply from either, but I am not surprised.

 

My Q is this ended 2 months ago, but yet I am unable to move on. Think about this daily, throughout the entire day. I'm plagued with sleepless nights, questioning if I did the right thing, wondering why he has not had to suffer for his actions.

 

Here, I feel extremely betrayed and hurt. I did not willingly enter into a relationship with a married man. The fact he let our feelings deepen, while painting this future for us, knowing all along that would not happen is sick.

 

Why is it that he can just continue on his merry way with his family and professional life, and not suffer any consequences? And here I am, desperately trying to rebuild?

[preraph]

Ah, you don't know he doesn't have consequences. It will catch up with him one of these days. Thing is, you can't let him waste any more of your time or emotions. He was a complete fraud, not at all who you thought he was and he didn't care what he did to you. So please just accept that he wasn't who you hoped he was and snap out of it and move forward.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

Then for several weeks, I seriously debated whether to tell the W and the person whose name he was using. And I did disclose to both. No reply from either, but I am not surprised.

 

 

What do you mean the person whose name he was using?

 

For all you know his wife could be making him jump through hoops if he told her the truth, which I doubt. He never had any intentions of leaving his doctor wife. I bet he's played the game before that is why he has an apartment. For all you know she may not have gotten your message about him cheating with you.

[Flame Aura]

Forget about him. He did all of this because he was selfish and only thought of himself.

 

 

Now is the time for you to focus on yourself.

[Pinknyc]

Stillafool - The other doctor he was impersonating. I doubt he said anything to her. Hard to believe anything from him without independent verification.

I'm sure she received the email.

[Zona]

It will take some time for your heart to catch up to your head. You know he is a lying scumbag who screwed you over, but your heart is still dealing with unresolved feelings and emotions. Just remember you did nothing wrong, this is all on him. Time and NC are really the only way through it, that and a new, non-married boyfriend!

[Turning point]

My Q is this ended 2 months ago, but yet I am unable to move on. Think about this daily, throughout the entire day. I'm plagued with sleepless nights, questioning if I did the right thing,

 

I would argue the opposite. You did the right thing, and you did it all correctly. 2 months is not a lot of time given the magnitude of his deceit.

 

This man was every bit a con-artist, and you have essentially been the victim of a crime. Being duped like that is traumatizing and you're essentially experiencing your own variation of PTSD. It's a coping mechanism, keeping you on high alert until you learn to trust your own judgement again.

 

You can, and you will because you navigated your way out of this brilliantly and you are a force to be reckoned with.

 

Try to get some support so you can see that this is not a victim-less crime. He took something from you - your personal power. The great thing is you've got more of that, and when you're ready it will show up again.

.

[mark clemson]

My Q is this ended 2 months ago, but yet I am unable to move on. Think about this daily, throughout the entire day. I'm plagued with sleepless nights, questioning if I did the right thing, wondering why he has not had to suffer for his actions.

 

 

Suggest you try IC if you're not already to help you sort through this. It seems like your breakup blues have somehow become tied in to your (completely reasonable) resentment and anger at being deceived like this. Also there is minimal "closure" from his side due to the not knowing.

 

In addition to IC, try to realize (intellectually at least) that it really makes no difference whether you know or not. The end result is the same. Also true closure comes from YOU when you've processed this and have hit the point of indifference. Clearly that's taking longer than you'd like (and generally our limbic systems don't tend to have the kind of tight timelines for getting over relationships that we'd like them too).

 

In the meantime, distractions, work on yourself to prepare yourself for what's next, and as suggested IC to help you process this. If you don't have a strong social life, suggest trying to cultivate one (or do meetups or similar) as socializing should boost your dopamine levels and result in greater happiness. Always wanted to join a club or hobby/interest group? Maybe now's the time...

[whichwayisup]

My Q is this ended 2 months ago, but yet I am unable to move on. Think about this daily, throughout the entire day. I'm plagued with sleepless nights, questioning if I did the right thing, wondering why he has not had to suffer for his actions.

It isn't up to you to decide his punishment or how he suffer consequences. He's out of your life now and as hard as it is for you, please try your best to let go and understand that you are in a better place now without him. Imagine being led on for years and then finding out the truth. You'd be more hurt and devastated from being so invested in him.

 

Do counseling to help you cope with this so it doesn't consume you and take over your life.

 

He's not going to contact you and neither is his wife. Whatever you do, do NOT reach out to either of them, focus on you and your healing path.

[Pinknyc]

Thank you all for the responses. I had been treating this as just a breakup, and had not considered PTSD as being a possibility. I will look into counseling because I usually grieve and can move on, but am feeling very stuck.

 

And being in my 40s, it's harder to bounce back when you thought this person was going to be a potential long-term partner. Even though I try to stay busy and active, many of the activities are ones we enjoyed together, and new activities are ones we talked about doing together this summer.

 

The most painful part is that when he was confronted, he showed no remorse. I have yet to receive an apology, except for the lip service to he was going to make it right which was not even sincere. In fact, he blamed me, and said I should have known the truth even though he was actively hiding it from me. A month in, I thought something seemed off, and I asked him, "are you married?" He said No. I said, "are you sure?" He said yes, and he was a good person.

 

I do not have kids, and have not been married. Even if there was some temporary fallout/friction in his family after his W found out, in time, his daughter and W will forgive him. He still has a family. He still has experienced a long term marriage and partner. Totally unscathed and onto the next one. And I'm still all alone. And realizing all the ILU's were lies. There was no love.

 

Look at Epstein who hurt so many, and now he's gotten off pretty easy.

[Pinknyc]

And what is sad is that I still want him to come back (even though intellectually, I know it is better if he doesn't), or to reach out for closure. And that his feelings were real, and not the cold, aloof man I saw at the end.

[mark clemson]

Unfortunately you saw the truth at the end. Hopefully knowing that NONE of that is ANY of your fault may help a little. He's awful for doing this to you for such a length of time. What you were presented with was completely a lie.

 

No one is so smart that they can't be deceived. You can take some comfort in the fact that anyone could have fallen for this and that most people would not do something like this to someone else.

[Pinknyc]

Thank you Mark.

 

He could have said he was separated, then at least I'd be tipped off that he was married. But to claim to be completely, single and never married, without children. I had no fighting chance, piled on the lovebombing, future talk, etc.

 

There are people who are willing to being involved with a MM. Give people a fair chance at deciding whether it is for them, as opposed to forcing that choice on them.

 

Despite all of that, I still wonder and have some guilt for whether or not it was the right thing to do to let the W know, and the other guy whose identity he was pretending to be. He did say he told the W about us, and that if I wanted to, I cld speak to her, too. I thought that was him trying to call my bluff when I said I would tell her if he did not come clean. It was the cockiness and also the "thank you for showing me again how important it is to be honest in a relationship." How disingenuous. And all the while not caring one iota he had hurt me.

[Turning point]

The most painful part is that when he was confronted, he showed no remorse.

 

This is why I compared your situation to a crime. The experience of standing face to face with a sociopath has real consequences on our own sensibilities.

 

It's all good fun to watch these characters on film and television, but when you realize you've let a zero-empathy manipulator sneak into your own intimate life - it's a profound shock. Your expectations of a reaction from his wife are too high. He's likely to have paired with someone equally twisted. You on the other hand were a target, a foray rather than a destination.

 

You seriously dodged a bullet here, be proud of that.

Edited August 11, 2019 by Turning point

[BaileyB]

And what is sad is that I still want him to reach out for closure. ...He was not the cold, aloof man I saw at the end.

 

This is your closure. When people show you who they truly are, you are wise to believe them. The person who gives you closure, is you.

[stillafool]

I agree. You don't need him to call you so you can get closure. You have to find your own closure because talking to him will open you up to more hurt and set your healing back. Obviously he was lying about everything he said to you and I would hold on to that as my closure. Things happen, it wasn't your fault, and now you know to investigate a man's home situation before getting involved with him. There are people who do really bad things and never suffer the consequences, that's just life. Don't get hung up on revenge and payback or you will never heal. You just have to move on to better.

[elaine567]

And what is sad is that I still want him to come back (even though intellectually, I know it is better if he doesn't), or to reach out for closure. And that his feelings were real, and not the cold, aloof man I saw at the end.

 

And that is why you are so upset.

The fact he lied is water under the bridge... it is moot.

You were prepared to let that go as long as he still wanted/loved you.

You needed that fairy tale, the wife and kid were collateral damage...

You tried your best, even trying to scupper his marriage by disclosing to his wife, but he still didn't choose you.

Your ego thus took a massive hit.

[stillafool]

OP, as long as you are looking for validation from MM you will never heal.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, any chance he goes by the first name of Christopher? I encountered a guy that this reminds me of who lives in NYC.

Edited August 12, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Pinknyc]

Yes, my ego took a major hit. I know I need to stop thinking about getting closure from him.

 

Hadmeover -- it's a different person. Both his real and fake name are different.

[spiderowl]

I would think that most people who have been tricked by a con-man would feel hurt and disturbed like you do. In a way, you are in the same position as a victim of a crime, where the criminal has not been punished. I don't know how people get over that, but maybe there will be some groups or forums online specifically dealing with such issues.

 

I think you probably helped him to face justice by telling the family what he was up to. I hope it hurt him.

 

I am sorry about what you went through. Maybe you could do something symbolic to try to get him out of your head. Making a doll representing him and then doing it severe damage might help. I know these are old practices but symbolism is still important to humans.

[Pinknyc]

Thanks Spiderowl.

 

Having had some traumatic relationships, this is indescribably hard to get over. Especially when the person has shown zero remorse.