Rant on self-proclaimed time waster

[brownygoldy]

No particular question regarding the inevitable ending to this situation, but looking for general dating insights or advice!

 

I met H through a dating app in May. I’d had a bad ending to my past relationship which ended in last December and needed a break from men and dating for a while. In May I felt rejuvenated and ready to get myself out there again!

 

The thing is with me - I’ve recognised that I have some questionable dating patterns.

 

I’m a 29 year old British Hindu Indian female. My younger sister and cousin sister have got married and I’m still single, this is taboo in my culture. So really I should be seeking Hindu eligible bachelors who are looking for a serious future... which is what I want also, but my actions contradict that.

 

The guy I chose to meet from the app (whilst I had many “eligible” matches), was a charming, British Pakistani-Iranian Muslim. All the things I could do wrong as a Hindu Indian.

 

The looks factor initially attracted me, he is absolutely gorgeous and his personality further attracted me and this is where I think my questionable dating habits may lie - he was incredibly flirty, quite sexual, engaging whilst being aloof.

 

When we discussed meeting he made it clear he was interested in sex but was also engaging on a general conversational ‘getting to know you’ level. He’s also very worldly and intelligent - qualities I’m highly attracted to so our conversations covered culture, the soul... topics that just win me over

 

When we met we got on as anticipated, he was very touchy feely from the get go. Gentlemanly paying for my drinks and interested by asking 101 questions. We spoke about everything, nothing was off-bounds, we definitely connected. He exhibited a few mannerisms that seemed quite feminine - pouting, checking himself out, and when we did have sex, he made feminine sex noises lol... still haven’t got to the bottom of that one as he’s a self-proclaimed woman lover and this is confirmed by my analysis of his social media profile.

 

Anyway we both agreed that our relationship couldn’t go anywhere due to our cultural differences and both coming from quite strict families but enjoyed each other’s company. He kept calling me a “wife”, said that I was 100% what he’d want in a wife, could see us being together but he’d have to compartmentalise his feelings to avoid getting hurt but wanted to continue seeing me.

 

Which we did.

 

Until 2 weeks ago. I decided the last time we met that it would be the very last time. Continuing was asking for trouble and although feelings were growing, I’d see him engaging with other females constantly on Instagram (liking, following etc). Nothing wrong as a single man but this just reminded me he was keeping his options open and I could get very hurt down the line. He also had said to me a few times that although he didn’t want to let me go, he was wasting my time because we couldn’t have a future due to our cultural differences. He didn’t like my final decision and said to me he’d be available whenever I wanted to speak to or see him but accepted it in person. He ended up contacting me 2 hours later and sending me pictures of the family event he was at.

 

I asked him if his thoughts on our future were any different and they weren’t (his words: “I can’t do it to my mum”) so I reaffirmed my decision.

 

We didn’t speak for a week and a week later I started bleeding heavily. I had taken the morning after pill, we were both irresponsible and he told me to take it as a precaution. It was the 2nd time I’ve ever taken it and the effects were horrendous. I was bleeding non-stop (not menstruation related) for a few days and feeling very weak and nauseous. Took myself to the Drs who confirmed it was most likely morning after pill related but could also point to a possible miscarriage. I text H briefing him on the bleeding and asking him to call me as it’s not something I wanted to say over text. He was concerned and apologetic but reluctant to call (we never really spoke on the phone whilst dating - he’s not a “phone guy”.) I said it was important and he said he’d call at a certain time which he never did. I then proceeded to ask if he has a phobia of phones and said that I was disappointed in his behaviour as he was insistent on having unprotected sex but when it came to the consequences he couldn’t make a short phone call because he doesn’t like the phone - I don’t like bleeding unnecessarily but here I am. He got annoyed at me and blocked me.

 

I then text him by SMS (not blocked) and said that miscarriage is the word I didn’t want to say. He was shocked saying that’s dreadful and he feels sad and depressed for us both and doesn’t know what to say, but still didn’t call to have a proper chat. I just ended the conversation saying you go and play all your sports (he’s a professional cricketer) and feel like a man but we both know that when it came down to it you couldn’t do what a man should do.

 

He had said to me when I got in touch about the bleeding that he’s not a “toy” and I can’t end things then go back into his life which indicates that he was trying to “get over me” but I made it clear that I wasn’t getting in touch to restart things but just to inform him of something that I thought he should or would want to know.

 

He was very affectionate and caring whilst we were together, eg always making me tea or bringing me water or making sure I had vegetarian food to eat (I’m a vegetarian he’s not) and I was to him too so for him to act this cold when I was experiencing this unexpected bleeding (a first for me too) was rather disappointing and shocking.

 

I don’t have a particular question regarding this incident as I think I have the answers around it. He wasn’t looking for anything serious with me which reflected in his behaviour.

 

I think I’m looking for general advice on what I can do to do/be better. All of my relationships have involved some sort of drama and I really want to put a change to that. Also, H and my last ex who I’ve posted about have both blocked me, and I can see why - the blocking was initiated by drama - in my last ex’s case I hurt my arm and ended up in hospital and in H’s case I was bleeding as a result of sex we’d had. So do I need to stop being so full of drama and how, or is the onus more on these men who become cowards when it comes to a moment where they need to essentially “step up”?

 

Am I expecting too much? I’ve been told this before

Edited August 10, 2019 by brownygoldy

[Flame Aura]

Do not use online dating apps expecting potential serious relationships, 90% of men use them just to get into women's knickers.

 

 

If a guy is being sexual right at the start and is making it clear he is interested in sex straight off the bat, then any other 'get to know you' questions and being all gentlemanly such as paying for stuff etc is all to woo you in so you are comfortable to give it up.

 

 

A man who is interested in a woman as a potential long term partner will not start off by building a foundation based on sex.

 

 

If a man gives you an excuse about why you can't be together, but 'would love to keep seeing you' what he means is he would love to keep sleeping with you until he finds someone long term.

 

 

Do not have unprotected sex with someone that is not at LEAST your boyfriend and you have been together for a while and have been tested.

 

 

All in all you gave it up too easy and too fast, he knew what he had to do to get it and you fell for it.

 

 

Next time put a bit higher value on yourself, make sure they are actually worthy of your time and body. Remember you are the prize here, a valuable prize.

Edited August 10, 2019 by Flame Aura

[brownygoldy]

Flame_Aura

Great post thank you! All of your points make complete sense and hit home.

I’m intrigued to know why I’m attracted to such men? As I said I could sense from the get go his motive was sexual and long-term partner criteria wise he didn’t match any of the boxes according to what my family would expect and what I want also, so why did I go for him? I think I’m attracted to danger and that’s quite a scary reality to accept.

 

The situation below added to this potential realisation that I may be attracted to the wrong guys and be repelling the right kind of guys.

I’ve been speaking to a guy who seems very decent - dinner would be the first date, he’d be coming to my city (although I said I’d go to his as my city is small and my community is large and I’d most likely be seen and become the topic of the week). He phoned me a lot and was keen to meet today - I had prior plans with family but he insisted that I make time which I agreed to - I cancelled in the morning as I decided not to cancel my prior plans and also I’m just not in the right space to date at the moment and he got really offended, saying that I don’t respect his time and that I don’t seem interested. I apologised a few times and asked to reschedule but he wasn’t accepting it, he still wanted to talk and meet right away. His clingy behaviour really put me off. He tried to call a few times when I cancelled and “talk it out”. All signs of a decent guy looking for something serious or signs of an obsessive guy who can’t take no for an answer?

Edited August 10, 2019 by brownygoldy

[preraph]

First, have you been put on any new meds lately? Because there are some that can cause that bleeding.

 

I guess I'm not the right person to ask how you can be better because I'm going to answer from my point of view instead of yours. I'm a free spirit who just followed my own path despite what anyone else thought I should do and has no regrets about it. I think you find what makes you happy and you do it. I just don't see fettering a life away doing something you're not happy about. Life is precious. You don't need to lead someone else's life for them. They had their own and could have made different choices.

 

Whether this guy is the guy, probably not, but maybe the next one will be.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened. There are a few things that I question really.

 

You had a few matches but chose someone you knew would be going against your parents' wishes. I completely understand that if you were attracted to him, then others would seem less interesting in comparison. As you've noticed though, it will only lead to trouble in the long term as you risk becoming emotionally attached to someone you can't have.

 

I wonder if he's bi? There is no reason to suppose he is but it is one reason why he would be wary of commitment, apart from the family things.

 

Was he attached perhaps? This could explain the lack of phone calls. Texting and messaging can be done in secret, but phone calls and meetings are another matter. Did he travel far to see you? People who have affairs generally prefer some distance between their girlfriend and their partner so as not to get caught accidentally.

 

As you had both agreed to split, one would not expect to stay in contact. Contacting him to tell him about the bleeding could seem like trying to exert emotional control over him. Then again, one would expect him to be understanding at least.

 

My overall feeling is that the never intended to get too involved, enjoyed the time he spent with you, but as you and he agreed it could not be long term he maintained an emotional distance. I doubt he is going to want to re-engage in the same situation if it can't go anywhere for both of you. Him saying he could not 'do that to his family' is pretty strong and makes clear he will not be committing to you.

 

I am sorry but you got emotionally involved in a relationship you knew could not go anywhere. There is nothing wrong in that; people do it all the time, but it does hurt you.

 

If there is anything going wrong here, it is that maybe you are picking unavailable guys then falling for them and expecting more? Is that the case? Perhaps it would help you to note down what the signs of an available guy are - i.e. not married, not saying it goes against his religious/families wishes, looking for a relationship not short term. Meeting an 'unavailable' guy can feel safer in some ways because you know there is no chance they will fall in love and pressure for more. It gives you time to get to know him before the pressure starts. The down side is he will not commit and you will be hurt again.

[brownygoldy]

preraph thanks for your response

 

I’m not on any meds so I think the bleeding must have been morning after pill/miscarriage related. It pains me to say that. It’s been a week since the bleeding and I’ve kept myself busy but today it’s hit me that I may well have been through a miscarriage and that’s horrible. It’s more likely to be morning after pill related rather than miscarriage I think but when the Dr said that word it just stuck with me. Feeling abandoned by H after hasn’t helped as talking it through with him would have bought some peace and comfort.

 

With regards to following my own path and doing what I want to do, I completely and wholeheartedly agree. It’s been a massive point of contention with my parents for many years - I was in a 6 year relationship with somebody my parents didn’t accept (“wrong” religion) and we ended due to that as well as him being abusive which he claims was triggered by my parents not accepting us.

 

I really respect you being a free spirit!

 

Part of me is... part of me feels a massive responsibility to my family. I’m the oldest out of the siblings/cousins in a large joint extended family and have always been called and looked upon as the “leader”. I actually burnt out and have been in depression for the past few years which I think is partly related to this but the pressure hasn’t lessened in any way. In fact after becoming ill I had to leave my independent life in another city and move back home with family and so they’re more involved in my life than ever. I want to maintain my culture but at the same time I don’t think that happiness is limited to your culture - it can be found outside of what you know and that’s what I used to explain to H which he agreed with but was just unwilling to take that step himself

[brownygoldy]

spiderowl, some great questions thank you.

 

Yes you're right in observing that I purposely chose someone who would go against my parent's wishes so it's made me think there's a deeper rebellious side of me that I need to resolve as this could be underlying my motives. My parents are also very anti-Muslim (don't know if it's appropriate to say this on this forum?) and I'm the opposite, I'm peace loving and a big believer in the equality of humans and a big supporter of cultural diversity and so I think I've engaged in these relationships to make a point of that.

 

I actually broached the subject of him being gay/bi with him over text and at first he seemed open to the conversation, asking me what made me think that and he then ended the conversation saying "I'm disappointed I thought you knew me". So it looks like he was playing along unless he's not admitted it to himself which is why he's unable to admit it to me. It's deemed a "major sin" in Islam his religion and although he's not practising - drinks, doesn't pray or fast, he's still culturally connected.

 

I don't think he was attached, he said to me that whilst we date he wanted us to be exclusive and romantic. He basically wanted a girlfriend without the label because he couldn't give it to me due to the barriers. I used to go and stay at his place and met his flatmates. We went on a double date with his flatmate and his girlfriend, he later told me that this flatmate regularly cheats on his girlfriend making me think that he could be seeing other people whilst seeing me too but he was very transparent about his dating life to me - sending me screenshots of him rejecting females (I didn't ask for them) and admitting he was on a Muslim dating site but no-one was interesting him like I did. I must admit when I found out about his flatmate cheating I felt like letting his girlfriend know but I guess I'd be crossing a line, it disgusted me knowing that!

 

I think he shut down when the bleeding happened as it required more from him and he wasn't willing to give it as he didn't want to be that person in my life, disappointing from someone you've shared intimacy with but yes I should be more wary going forward. As I mentioned in my reply to Flame_Aura above, I think I may be repelling "decent" guys and attracting "wrong" guys as I find the "danger" alluring and I'm not ready for a serious relationship as I have a lot to sort out in my personal life first so these intense interesting relationships work and give me what I need but probably not the wisest choice going by how this one ended

Edited August 10, 2019 by brownygoldy

[preraph]

Sorry about the miscarriage or whatever that was. I mean, I assume that pill messes up your periods too, but I do not know. I'm sure you can find things on the internet and see what it says.

 

I think at 29, when possible, it is time to put some distance between you and the family so their constant influence is not on you. It's hard to become your own person when you are still under the influence of family. My wish for you is that when you find the person you love and who is a suitable person to make a life with, that you will be flexible about having to conform or set an example. Again, your parents and your siblings all have their one life to do with as they wish. They don't get to control yours too. Maybe you will get lucky and it will be a person of your own faith, but it's more important to have the right bond with someone than to be of the same faith.

 

I do agree that perhaps your last bf's religion and the conflict you describe with your own might have been too much to overcome. Someone who is less focused on their religion (and there are plenty of those) might be easier to incorporate into your life.

[brownygoldy]

Next time put a bit higher value on yourself, make sure they are actually worthy of your time and body. Remember you are the prize here, a valuable prize.

 

How do I make myself feel like a "valuable prize" when in reality I don't, I think I've got myself into a position where I've given myself to people and ended up in some pretty horrible situations which have taken away some of my dignity

[brownygoldy]

preraph, completely agree, everybody has their own life to live according to their own ideals and they should be free to.

 

My parents are of the same background, religion and even caste but haven't had a happy marriage at all. I think that's where a lot of my issues stem from.

 

So I'm determined to do what's right for me but as I've been quite depressed and unwell during the past few years, not working, I've lost a lot of my independence and self-worth.

 

Funnily enough I am very religious, I've become religious with a focus on spirituality during the past few years but Hinduism's core message is actually that God is in everyone - humans and animals. The concept of the soul is also a big belief of Hinduism and each soul has it's own individual journey to go through. So although the teachings really resonate with me and I call myself a practising Hindu, I would be open to being with someone who isn't a Hindu by background but shares a similar belief system to me. I've been with Hindu guys who are born Hindu but not Hindu in their thinking or practices at all, again their own journey and life to live but for me being with a born Hindu doesn't necessarily mean they're going to be the right match - a point I've relayed to my parents. Now to work on my wider family and Grandma who lives with us as I'm very close to them all and they're very reliant on me as the "leader" and eldest sister and I'd just be letting them all down and losing their respect by being with someone not from our culture - although I'm not ready for anything serious right now given my recent circumstances and current personal life so can put that one off for a bit!

[spiderowl]

I realised that what I said may have sounded like I thought it a bad idea going against your parents wishes. I do not think that. I was responding in the context that you do not seem to want to go outside your culture in the long term.

 

I actually think that life is short and that the rules and regulations about culture and relationships matter only to those who they matter to - if that makes sense! What matters is what is in your heart and that of your partner. If you both agree that you love each other and want a long-term relationship, then provided neither of you is strictly religious, you will find a way to make it work.

 

The mistake you made - if anything - was in agreeing with him that it could not work in the long run. If he agreed to that, then he was never fully in the situation in the first place. It sounds like you did not really believe that in your heart though.

 

It is your heart and your life. We do not choose who we love, it just happens. It may be someone we have known for ages or it may be someone we have just met. If family care about you, your happiness and safety will be their priority too. If family are too traditional to care about your happiness but only judge on the basis of tradition, then that is a difficult situation to be in. If you have a choice though, why not go for the kind of person you like and love, who might not necessarily be of your faith or background.

[brownygoldy]

spiderowl, no worries, my above reply to preraph pretty much sums my views on the rules and regulations around these restrictions.

 

I think they're silly.

 

I'm a big proponent of culture, I value my heritage, and I would wish to maintain and continue my cultural identity but I don't believe that love is limited to the one particular caste you're born into!

 

For me, being with someone that values similar things and views the world in a similar way to I do is more important and that could be a Hindu guy and it may well not be a Hindu guy and I'm open to that.

 

However I'd be the first one in my immediate family doing that - my sister and cousin sister both married Hindu men and are happy (to the world - my sister has major relationship/marriage issues, probably stemming from similar roots as mine) so my parents are asking what's so difficult?

 

My extended cousin has married an English man who does not interact with the family and she does less so since marrying him so I think my family see this as a classic example of "why it doesn't work". They themselves are very happy though and have 2 young babies so that's nice to see for me. Also, she's disabled so my family kind of write her off as "she had to go for what she could get". Quite narrow-minded really.

 

I'm in a predicament - I value my religion and culture but there's also a side of me that values other religions and cultures equally and just believes in cohesion and open-mindedness. Sometimes I can probably seem quite "closed-minded", I'm the most culturally connected compared to my Indian friends and they often lightly mock me for that, but I'm also the one who's had boyfriends outside of our culture and they haven't. I also have a lot of non-Indian friends whilst they don't. There's nothing wrong with doing it all I think it's good to embrace instead of deny but in terms of relationships and who I am within them, I'm still trying to figure myself out really! Since I got ill and moved back home I've just lost my independence and need to spread my wings again but have lost a lot of my confidence which I need to be able to take the steps to get a job again, leave my house, etc.

 

If I was to marry outside of my faith, my parents wouldn't support it. My mum threatened to kill me and my family if I continued the relationship with the 6 year ex and she was deadly serious - she's been abusive to me in the past, both of my parents have. They wouldn't accept it out of their care and happiness for me, it'd be a choice of choosing them or him and my whole family are such a huge part of me, my life, my history and my happiness (sometimes) that I couldn't leave them and wouldn't want to. Although they sound crazy and they are to an extent they've also done and provided a lot for me.

 

So let's hope for mine and their sake I find someone from my faith although as I said I don't think I'm in any place to be in a relationship right now. Also, what's so wrong with being single forever I've been thinking recently? Most of the relationships I see around me involve a lot of stress, one female friend's 4 year relationship that I idealised involved cheating from her ex and no-one saw it coming, he seemed the perfect, consummate gentleman and fiancee. 3 of my married friends (aged 28-30, got married between 25-27) are contemplating divorce. My sister's grand Indian wedding almost got called off the day before due to my sister's issues which got brushed under the carpet by my family and the wedding went ahead anyway like nothing had happened. It's really put the fear in me and made me think that being alone and fulfilled can't be that bad, especially in comparison to a potential stressful relationship! It's also made me realise that my family isn't the perfect family I thought we were for all these years and I should probably do something about it but it's daunting.

Edited August 11, 2019 by brownygoldy

[spiderowl]

That is a whole different difficult situation. I can see that going against your family would mean leaving them. That is really hard. Do you think that in the long run, they might come round? They would be shocked and hurt at first of course, but sometimes people mellow with time?

 

You don't have to be with someone. Some people choose to be single.

[brownygoldy]

spiderowl, The thought of being single makes me feel light and like I can breathe easy so that is definitely the best option, for now anyway.

I'm still attracted to H and my other ex because they're "known" people and could easily fill that gap in my life for the time-being but it wouldn't be sensible so I won't be reaching out.

 

I don't know if my parents would eventually accept it, I think I'd just be tarnished for life and tarnish the reputation that's so important to my family. Hypothetically, they may come round in time but I think the dynamic would just change in that they wouldn't value or respect me anymore (in hindsight I don't think they have by my standards anyway) but in a way my relationship with my extended family that aren't my parents (aunts, uncles, cousins, Grandma) is stronger and I'd be worried about damaging that.

 

In the end though we have to live for ourselves and I hope I have the courage to do that with the right partner if and when it comes to it. I was willing to take the leap of faith with H although he wasn't so I think i have it somewhere within me.

[MetallicHue]

My advice is to follow your heart wherever it may lead to but obviously keeping a measured approach like suggested by flame aura. You may have to be willing to tear down the walls around you to have true love but I think it would be worth it. But obviously in the situation you were in no need to jump into anything.

[brownygoldy]

MetallicHue, I've always followed my heart in dating and it's probably why I've felt heartbroken more times than I'd have liked to. Now I'm trying to learn from my past and take a more measured approach, not diving straight in but weighing everything up. Once the right person comes into my life, I'll be willing to pursue what my heart says for them, provided that they're also on the same page as me.

 

"You may have to be willing to tear down the walls around you to have true love but I think it would be worth it"

 

This sounds so romantic