Expecting too much?

[an0nym0us123]

Been single over a year. In that time I met just one woman that really floated my boat she ticked all the boxes, attractive, lots in common great to be around and fun. We had 4 dates and she bailed out. I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

Old and tinder are basically the only ways I meet people. Hundreds of matches in the past year. Remote location which makes it waaaay harder. But it's the same for everyone here and I can't move and I don't want to move.

 

I'm looking into ways of meeting people in real life. Perhaps a part time job where I meet the public.

 

I'm 33. Constantly told I'm good looking. I think I'm average. Over the years I've had good looking women after me, Including my ex. I've done this before! But can't seem to do it this time.

 

I work out and have abs, I can't get any more in shape. I'm nearly 5'11". Have hair on my head. Own my own house and run a small business involving farming.

 

I've no kids and will only date women without kids. This cuts more than half but I'm sticking to this. I know there are women who will not date single dads as ive met them. so hopefully this balances things out a little. I have to find her attractive. Okay I don't expect 10/10 models but without physical attraction there is no point trying.

 

Apart from 2 fwb type flings I've met 1 in a year where things clicked. Doesn't bode we'll for the future. Somehow I need to up my game or come too terms with the fact I'm not meant to be in a relationship.

 

I've tried my pictures on photo feeler. The ones I'm using just now scored between 6.5 to 8 out of ten for attractiveness. If any of the senior members ask I will PM them a couple of pictures. And maybe they can tell me if I'm dateable or not.

 

Thanks for reading

[chillii]

Wth wouldn't you be dateble ?

Don't even understand where that's coming from you sound like you've got more going for you than 3/4 of the people out there in relationships and marriages.

And btw, get so sick of sayin this but only about 10% of people out there in relationships or marriages in just about anywhere, are anything special to look at , if it's looks your worried about, l mean don't you and all the others saying that stuff notice that.

The most are just average ordinary people of every shape and size and personality and lifestyle imaginable.

[basil67]

So you got hundreds of matches in the last year. What stopped them coming to fruition?

[an0nym0us123]

Wth wouldn't you be dateble ?

Don't even understand where that's coming from you sound like you've got more going for you than 3/4 of the people out there in relationships and marriages.

And btw, get so sick of sayin this but only about 10% of people out there in relationships or marriages in just about anywhere, are anything special to look at , if it's looks your worried about, l mean don't you and all the others saying that stuff notice that.

The most are just average ordinary people of every shape and size and personality and lifestyle imaginable.

I think i do have quite a lot going for me. People even say "why on earth are you single?" Doesnt seem to make any odds though at the end of the day. Im really not sure i can do anything to improve myself.

[an0nym0us123]

So you got hundreds of matches in the last year. What stopped them coming to fruition?

 

Good question. Although part of the problem is distance, i match with lots of people across the bay from me. 30 miles in a straight line but 120 by car. Only a small percentage are within an hours drive of me.

 

I find most people wont reply to your message, i look at their profile. Try and find something interesting to ask them, sometimes ill get 1 or 2 replies and thats it. Begs the question why the swiped right to begin with.

 

On the flip side i get a few girls initiate. I had one last week and i set up a date. Next day she had un matched me or left tinder.

 

Ive had about 15 first dates in the year. 2 turned in to fwb type flings. Only one other went past the first date.

[chillii]

I think i do have quite a lot going for me. People even say "why on earth are you single?" Doesnt seem to make any odds though at the end of the day. Im really not sure i can do anything to improve myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

lt's probably nothing to do with improving yourself, never met a perfect woman.

You've only been single 12mths and on and off in that anyway .

And you certainly had no shortage of meeting new women.

Sounds more like you just haven't met the right one yet and that's not surprising , only 12mths.

She could be another yr or 2 yet, or 5.

 

But you can help that along by honing in on the type of person you would like to meet and stop wasting time on the rest.

[brownygoldy]

No I don't think you're expecting too much, I think that's just the world of modern and online dating.

 

Having too much choice causes complacency.

 

I'm speaking as a female on Tinder, pretty much everyone I swipe is a Match and I have no problem in getting Matches, I have to admit I'm that woman you mention who doesn't reply to most messages... why not?

 

Again, too much choice and attention causes complacency especially in someone who isn't actively starting to start a serious relationship straight away and has other stuff/baggage in her life that's stopping her from fully engaging with unknowns on Tinder.

 

Why don't you join other dating apps to maximise your chances at meeting somebody - POF, Hinge, Bumble, happn to name a few.

 

Good luck!

[Foxhall]

from your post there, the gym would seem the obvious place,

 

try and get chatting with women attending spinning classes and so on,

 

perhaps self employed business groups, you have common ground there maybe meet some business ladies starting out on their own,

 

lol Mexicans I always recommend- in terms of where you could meet them- salsa dancing classes and latino dating sites maybe.

[melonmint57]

I don't think you're expecting too much at all. I can see distance being a slight issue, but maybe you just have to accept you'll have to be willing to drive a little further based on your location? Most reasonable women should be willing to meet halfway if they see you as a viable match.

 

As far as the not having kids and not interested in dating women with kids... stick with it! I'm 30F and this is a huge one for me. While I do believe it eliminates a large number of matches-it's absolutely non-negotiable. I've dated several men who simply thought I would change my mind or I really didn't know what I wanted yet. All along I thought I was crystal clear about not wanting kids(Or marriage) and well, clearly that didn't work out.

[an0nym0us123]

Understand I've only been single a year, but having only dated one person that really excited me in that time the odds are not in my favour. My location is killing me, but women are in the same boat as me. Im willing to travel but not everyone else is.

 

Have pof, found it to be dire on there tbh. Most wont talk. Still get messages though, 6 last week, none of them what I'm looking for. Seems all I get is older divorced women with kids, or overweight. I'm very much in shape, and I think it's hard to ask me to date someone so un fit. Also have match and bumble. So far I've found tinder the best. 4 matches initiated contact last week, 1 was too far away the rest were passing though the area. One was extremely attractive and she was saying how I ticked all her boxes.

 

I won't date anyone with kids, but am open to having them some day. I'm fit and active and would like someone the same.

 

I understand all to well any decent looking women with their life together are in demand so the odds are very much against me.

 

I may look at joining a proper gym, at the moment I have one set up at home. Nearest one is 45mins away.

 

I think the reality is ill either be single or will have to settle for someone I don't even like and I don't think that's possible.

[guy45]

I think online dating has very slim chances of working or at least it takes a lot of work.

I think it’s much easier to meet women in the real world. For example the place where I go to cut my hair there is an attractive woman there that always smiles at me and sometimes we talk, I could probably ask her out if I wanted to.

 

So ask yourself this - would you rather waste years on dating sites messaging women?

Or

Come up with some ideas on how to expand your social circle and meet women there?

 

The latter may require more thinking but it will save you years of wasted time.

[an0nym0us123]

You are right, meeting in real life is much better. Getting someone to commit from tinder or online is not going to be easy, if they are decent looking and have their life together then even between dates they will probably have met numerous others. Unless you are something out of the ordinary it's very hard to compete.

 

I think I'm coming to realise that there is very little hope me finding anyone off any app. I'm just a very average face among hundreds. I do get messages and I do get matches, but getting from that to a relationship seems almost impossible

[an0nym0us123]

So I've been mulling this over the past few days, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that the women I want are by and large not interested. Despite being above average in other places, I'm let down by poor looks. I say this but my ex, who was an attractive woman used to boast that I was her bit of eye candy! I often get told I'm attractive. But I just don't seem to have much luck with the ones I want.

 

So how does one date someone they don't even fancy? I've been on dates with several people who were nice, but there was no sexual attraction at all. Is that not called settling? Surely it's not fair on them either because they happen to be all you can get.

 

It seems I'm faced with a choice of either going with people I'm not attracted to or being single and by some miracle I meet someone who fancies me and who I fancy in return.

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks

[JEG88]

You definitely need to stand out on OLD somehow. It's not enough to just be a nice guy. Being outside of a metro area makes the numbers game that much longer for you, unfortunately. Is finding a GF important enough for you to consider moving to a metro area? Assuming you have the resources/capability to do so, which it sounds like you would.

 

But I applaud you for not settling. In hindsight I did that in my last relationship, and wasted 2 years. Much more selective this time around. I'm 31 in a major metro area for context, and have had no shortage of options on OLD which I attribute to sheer population size. I'm 5'11" as well, in shape, good job.

 

As far as meeting people IRL, try joining a hobby club or volunteering. I recently signed up for a local basketball league and will be volunteering at the SPCA. Not doing these things for dating purposes, just to meet new people. But expanding your social circle is never a bad thing, as long as you're careful about it. Will also help provide a distraction from getting too deep in thoughts of being single.

[an0nym0us123]

I don't know if I should be applauded or not, being picky is simply resulting in being on my own. I just don't think I can date someone without physical attraction, and I don't quite "have it" to be physically attractive to others, despite constantly being told so. So I'm in no mans land. I'm not moving, I like it where I am, and it might not even make any difference.

 

The world owes no one anything, it doesn't care. Somehow I guess I have to accept the ways things are.

[normal person]

 

Old and tinder are basically the only ways I meet people. Hundreds of matches in the past year. Remote location which makes it waaaay harder. But it's the same for everyone here and I can't move and I don't want to move.

 

Your problem begins and ends with "remote location." You can't catch fish in a puddle, you need to look in a lake or an ocean. You seemingly have nothing holding you back except this. If you moved to a decent sized city, you'd be overwhelmed with choice.

 

 

I'm looking into ways of meeting people in real life. Perhaps a part time job where I meet the public.

 

Why not just go to the bar with your friends? Before OLD came about, that was how you met strangers. It still is too. OLD is supplementary. Where you live, there's not much use for OLD anyways.

[JEG88]

I don't know if I should be applauded or not, being picky is simply resulting in being on my own. I just don't think I can date someone without physical attraction, and I don't quite "have it" to be physically attractive to others, despite constantly being told so. So I'm in no mans land. I'm not moving, I like it where I am, and it might not even make any difference.

 

The world owes no one anything, it doesn't care. Somehow I guess I have to accept the ways things are.

 

 

Moving to a major metro area would make a world of difference due to sheer population numbers driving potential matches, vs. a more remote area. Also would make it easier to find hobbies, clubs, team sports leagues, etc. to network.

 

But if that is out of the question for you and you don't want to move, I don't see how you can complain since it's your choice to stay despite you not having any dating success.

 

Location vs. desire for a relationship are clearly at odds for you. Only you can decide if the latter is important enough to more seriously consider moving.

[an0nym0us123]

There's 280,000 people living within 2.5hrs drive from my house. I have a small but established business here. Obviously the numbers are not ideal, but other people seem to manage to find partners.

 

..................................................

 

"What do you like about me?" The question I jokingly asked my ex after she revealed she fancied me. "I can't put a finger on it, other than you are extremely good looking" she said. "You think?" I asked, She replies- "oh I know several people who woul kill to be in my shoes right now"

 

The first time we went to the pub she said on the way, "so excited to show of my new bit of eye candy!"

 

My ex was an attractive young woman with a lot of male attention.

 

I went on a date with a girl, first thing she said when we met was "omg you are so pretty!" 10 mins of her staring at me while walking on a beach I went in for the kiss, on her way home she text me "you are so handsome!" Whilst driving!

 

You don't disappoint in real life, cute, sexy, easy on the eyes, all compliments I get on dates or from fwb.

 

I don't see it myself but I get told these things all the time, so if its not looks holding me back what is it?

 

I've had numerous women chase me and all fizzle out, such as the girl who text me on her way home. She was blowing up my phone for 4 days after our first date before vanishing. I understand OLD works like this, but starting to wonder is I am putting people off with something I'm doing, I just can't put my finger on what it is.

 

I make sure I am clean etc, get told I'm great to talk to. I don't act clingy, I try to mirror what the girl is doing. I'm not scared to ask for dates.

 

I think I come accros as confident. Example- gorgeous girl asked me on a second date before I got a chance, at the end of the date I went in for the kiss. Next day she was messaging saying she had a great time.

 

Her: I got a kiss at the end so you must have thought I wasn't daft!

Me: of course not, plenty more to follow

Her: I hope so!

Me: don't worry I will be going in for the kill next time

Her: tease! Maybe you should start the date that way?

Me:pretty much my plan tbh

Her: I like a man with a plan

Me: oh I have a lot of plans for you

Her: I can't wait!!

 

Every thing seems to go great the fizzle, if its not looks what am I doing to turn these women off?

 

I've 30 tinder matches last week, half a dozen inbound messages, many too far away, but my conversion rate is appalling. It's happening all the time

[HiCrunchy]

There's 280,000 people living within 2.5hrs drive from my house. I have a small but established business here. Obviously the numbers are not ideal, but other people seem to manage to find partners.

 

..................................................

 

"What do you like about me?" The question I jokingly asked my ex after she revealed she fancied me. "I can't put a finger on it, other than you are extremely good looking" she said. "You think?" I asked, She replies- "oh I know several people who woul kill to be in my shoes right now"

 

The first time we went to the pub she said on the way, "so excited to show of my new bit of eye candy!"

 

My ex was an attractive young woman with a lot of male attention.

 

I went on a date with a girl, first thing she said when we met was "omg you are so pretty!" 10 mins of her staring at me while walking on a beach I went in for the kiss, on her way home she text me "you are so handsome!" Whilst driving!

 

You don't disappoint in real life, cute, sexy, easy on the eyes, all compliments I get on dates or from fwb.

 

I don't see it myself but I get told these things all the time, so if its not looks holding me back what is it?

 

I've had numerous women chase me and all fizzle out, such as the girl who text me on her way home. She was blowing up my phone for 4 days after our first date before vanishing. I understand OLD works like this, but starting to wonder is I am putting people off with something I'm doing, I just can't put my finger on what it is.

 

I make sure I am clean etc, get told I'm great to talk to. I don't act clingy, I try to mirror what the girl is doing. I'm not scared to ask for dates.

 

I think I come accros as confident. Example- gorgeous girl asked me on a second date before I got a chance, at the end of the date I went in for the kiss. Next day she was messaging saying she had a great time.

 

Her: I got a kiss at the end so you must have thought I wasn't daft!

Me: of course not, plenty more to follow

Her: I hope so!

Me: don't worry I will be going in for the kill next time

Her: tease! Maybe you should start the date that way?

Me:pretty much my plan tbh

Her: I like a man with a plan

Me: oh I have a lot of plans for you

Her: I can't wait!!

 

Every thing seems to go great the fizzle, if its not looks what am I doing to turn these women off?

 

I've 30 tinder matches last week, half a dozen inbound messages, many too far away, but my conversion rate is appalling. It's happening all the time

 

Maybe ur getting the issue a lot of women tend to experience. People chase you because you are attractive, but once they get the trill of the chase fullfulled aka get sex, they see you aren't clicking in terms of values, or personality traits, interests etc. that would want to make them stay and commit so things just fizzle out. Nothing ur doing wrong but maybe just haven't found the right one yet.

[an0nym0us123]

Maybe im appearing too easy? I never had sex with any of the girls i went on dates with who were looking for relationships. As i said earlier there was only one who progressed past date 1, i can honestly say the dates with her were the best ive ever been on. She said herself it was great being with me. One day im getting sent mirror selfies in her underware whilst telling me im going to get it next time. Few days later im getting told where to go.

 

Either im switching these women off, or im just getting played.

 

As it happens both girlfriends i had in my life left me for someone else, feels like im always the back up plan

[elaine567]

I try to mirror what the girl is doing.

You are maybe coming across as passive, not that interested...

Many women want to see some "oomph" from a guy, some inkling that he likes her a lot, some leading, some chasing even... He has to stand out as being the guy who wants her the most.

Not clingy or needy or "too much", just an inner confidence exuding from him that tells her he wants her to be on his team... which in turn makes her WANT to be on his team too.

Mirroring the neutral stance that some women give off to protect themselves is never going to light her fire.

Dating is about being willing to put everything in there, even if you do get burned. Taking a risk is attractive.

To hold back and play it safe by mirroring, is not usually that attractive.

[an0nym0us123]

Men seem to be taught not to be too eager, not to over chase, or risk being clingy.

 

I dont think im coming over as un interested, i reciprocate when she flirts. Im generally the one who initiated asking to meet. I will often add a "excited to see you again" or something similar once the time has been set.

 

If a girl is messaging me non stop id be just as responsive as long as im not busy. The one i went on 4 dates with wasnt really into lots of messaging so i didnt initiate too much contact, I think in the end it was about 50:50.

 

Then again i could be doing it all wrong