I feel my parents and step family ruined my childhood

[Dennis_Grimshaw_2019]

Hi everyone

 

I am a new member and wanted your support, opinions and own experiences. I hope this is ok...

 

For some reason I was feel rather reflective over my childhood.

I had a really amazing start to live, a great home, two parents and plenty of friends and family.

By the time I had started high school my parents had broken up after months of arguing with one another.

A year went by and my Mum met a "new" man who I had noticed had been hanging around and next thing I know he had moved in with his daughter (a year older) and son (same age.)

Months later my Dad had moved into a new house with his new girlfriend and her son (same age.)

 

Both my parents were married within a year.

Within 2 years my Dad had adopted his stepson and my Mum had moved to a completely different area meaning I lost contact with my family and friends and had to change schools.

 

I never suffered abuse as such but I spent years feeling isolated, torn and left out of the family routine and dynamics.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? I have been vague as I am not sure yet what the response will be like, if there is any.

[schlumpy]

Hello Dennis,

 

My parents did not break up like yours but my mother was an alcoholic and they did argue a lot. I think my childhood was of a similar nature to yours in the aspect of loneliness and alienation.

 

My father was a store manager of what was referred as a "dime store." The way he made his money in that business was that he would get transferred to a larger store that made more money.

 

Every three years I lost all my friends and geographical familiarity and started all over. I had my senior year split in two. By that time I had attended 14 different schools during my public school education.

 

The pattern was the same. I arrive. It would take me at least year to gain any social traction and make good friends. Just about the time my life was coming together we would move and I would start from zero again.

 

The last move that split my senior year in half was very hard to take. I left many friends behind.

 

It wasn't enjoyable but I learned to cope. I turned inwards. I used books. I picked activities that did not require the participation of others. I learned to rely on myself.

 

Even today, if I'm isolated for some reason, I have no problem keeping myself occupied. I think that I live a lot of my life within my own mind.

 

Like anything else in this world the characteristics I've been marked with have proven useful in some situations and a detriment in others.

 

I do what all others have done before me - I play the hand I was dealt as well as I can and so should you.

 

Welcome to the Forum.

[Mr. Lucky]

Within 2 years my Dad had adopted his stepson and my Mum had moved to a completely different area meaning I lost contact with my family and friends and had to change schools.

 

I never suffered abuse as such but I spent years feeling isolated, torn and left out of the family routine and dynamics.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? I have been vague as I am not sure yet what the response will be like, if there is any.

 

My wife was a Navy brat, they moved 8 times between first grade and high school graduation. We're all shaped in different ways by the events of our childhood.

 

Where you'll lose me is when you cite any of this as reasons for holding yourself back as an adult. Many who came from less have accomplished more...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MetallicHue]

My parents fought like crazy till they split up when I was 15. My father became completely self centered when he met my stepmom. I dont blame my parents for my problems in my life

[Gaeta]

Within 2 years my Dad had adopted his stepson and my Mum had moved to a completely different area meaning I lost contact with my family and friends and had to change schools.

This happens to a lot of people. You can chose to make this a learning experience or feel defeated and sorry for yourself. You may have lost contact with family and friends back then but it's the past, you have all the power within you now to reconnect with family, old friends & make new friends to build the type of life you want. Keeping in contact is half your job and having a rewarding relationship with family and friends also depends on you and what you do with it.

[amaysngrace]

I think it’s very wrong to bop your kids around like that. I’m sorry for anyone who was raised going in and out of multiple school systems.

 

Parents should see that their children have roots (and wings)

[preraph]

People end up isolated for various reasons. I grew up out in the rural edge of town by an air force base. My only sibling was 7 years older and hostile and gone by the time I was 12. I only had friends when I was at school until finally someone I could ride horses with moved into my neighborhood when I was about 12 or 13.

 

I was very autonomous. Yes, there were some bad days of pacing the floor, but most of my memories are of being outdoors entertaining myself and playing with my animals. I consider my home to be the fields by my home, rather than so much my house. My parents fought enough to keep me on edge and nervous.

 

Since I was by the air force base, I did lose a close friend when I was in elementary school to her family moving, so it amounted to a similar thing. Lots of people have to move around like that, though, if they want to progress in their career and make enough money to keep the family going. It is no doubt hard on everyone. Imagine being a mother with no relatives around when the children are young back in the day, and having to do it all and be stuck at home, often without even a car and too much trouble to drag the kids anywhere anyway. It wasn't a great life for anyone.

 

But I grew up stronger than most of my friends and I know it was directly related to me being independent as a child. I learned to do so many things myself and explored so much and it fortified me.

 

I don't know if all the traveling kept your family from getting you a dog, but I will tell you that you are never alone if you have a dog. But it is true you have to be someplace with a backyard to keep the dog happy and it not be a chore to take care of them.

[anika99]

I had been in 12 different schools by the time I was 12. Between grades 1-6 the longest I ever stayed in one school was 1 1/2 years and that was the only school I ever really had friends. Not only did my mom like to move a lot, she also didn't like being tied down to a kid so it was normal for her to have me live with her for a few months then she'd want her freedom so she'd ship me off to live with her friends or another family member and then she'd take me back and then send me away, over and over again. In grade 2 and grade 5 I was in 3 different schools. It was really hard on me and it did cause me to become very introverted and isolated.

 

OP it must have been very hard on you to not only go through your parents divorce but then also see them move on so quickly with new marriages and families. I get how a kid could feel unloved and overlooked in that situation. It really sucks. Your parents should have spent a couple of years after the divorce just making sure that you were okay and adjusting well before they brought new partners and kids into your life. Unfortunately parents aren't perfect and sometimes they have a hard time putting their child's needs before their own. I am sorry you went through that.

 

However you have to put things in perspective. Most people have a sad story to tell regarding their childhood. Even the most perfect looking families can have dysfunction going on behind closed doors. You say you had a great childhood up until your high school years. Where I live high school starts at around age 15. If you had an amazing childhood up until your mid teen years then you have a lot to be thankful for. Your parents didn't ruin your childhood, they gave you a great childhood! I'm not down playing your pain. It's hard being a teenager even without family problems but the early childhood years are the most formative and most impactful and it sounds like your parents really loved and cared for you during those years.

 

So since none of us can go back and change our past, sometimes the best thing to do is count our blessings and spend more time remembering the good times instead of stewing over the bad. Sometimes we need a little help to assist us in getting past our bad experiences and there's no shame in seeking that help. It could be in the form of counseling or joining a self help group or talking to a spiritual leader. Or it could just be talking to a really good friend who is unbiased objective. Whatever works to help you is fine just don't stay stuck in the negative memories of a few bad years.

[notbroken]

All of our parents uniquely messed us up. You will likely uniquely mess your kids up someday.

 

My father was in the air force. I moved ALOT. There were pluses and minuses to that. With abuse and other issues, I had a VERY difficult childhood and blamed my parents. There is nothing good that can come from that. Blame matters none. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Today is a new day. Everything from here on out is on you. It is your responsibility to make it the best you can. Be the best you that you can be. Find your own happiness. I find I am just about as happy and successful as I decide to be. We all have our own burdens to bear and very few of us grew up in a perfect household. Forgive them (and yourself) and go forward the best you can.

[S2B]

Join the club! Now it’s time to get over it!

 

Everyone feels like some things they experienced growing up sucked - some overcame the worst of situations.