to reach out to old friends?

[sunflower24]

Hi,

 

I feel like this may be a silly question or one with mere importance in the general scheme of things, but I figured I would just ask for some opinions so I don’t drive myself crazy going back and forth.

 

I’m also pretty verbose in my writing so I apologize in advance for that.

 

I start my senior year of college within the week. I transferred to my current university in January 2018—my second semester of my sophomore year. I transferred strictly for academic purposes (I decided on a major that my first school did not offer). During my freshman year, I became very close to 3 other girls. We were honestly attached at the hip—we were in a sorority and easily one of the strongest friend groups within it lol.

 

But my last semester before I transferred, we were all living together and long story short, at the end I felt it was a very me vs. them environment. The morning I moved out, the apartment was full of tension because I was really upset over their behavior from the previous night, and (even longer story short), I walked out the door for the last time without getting so much as a hug or a goodbye. Two of them literally just watched me and my mom leave without saying one word.

 

So, as soon as I got into my car, I removed myself from our group chat. Petty, maybe, but I was very, very hurt.

 

That was the last time I have really had any communication with 2 of the 3. One of them I was least upset with as she had actually spoken to me warmly earlier that morning and was not present when I actually left. She also texted me happy birthday (that January), so she was who I reached out to a few months later to kinda “reconcile with” I guess. She apologized for the way things ended and said I didn’t deserve to lose my three best friends that way, etc.

 

She and I haven't had any contact over the phone since (other than the occasional social media "like"), but I’ve gone back to visit other friends a handful of times since transferring, and on occasions of seeing each other on campus, and she has talked to me, hugged me, etc., while the other two have not. Absolutely zero acknowledgement from them whatsoever.

 

However, a few months back, one of the 2 randomly forwarded me a page (regarding my career field) on Instagram. I replied with a nice message saying thank you, and she then followed me (she had unfollowed me previously).

 

It's been pure radio silence from the 3rd friend since I removed myself from our group chat December 2017, despite she actually being the one I regarded myself closest to. Though right after I did that and left, she apparently tweeted something about how I had just "burnt my bridges."

 

Sooo. Here’s where I’m at. I’m getting pretty sentimental regarding it being the start of my (our) senior year. I have NEVER in my life had a close knit group of friends like I did with them. They made my first year of college the absolute best. I’m super thankful for that. I’m debating whether to text them all wishing them a good year and showing appreciation for what our friendship had been. I really have no super hard feelings—we were so young and it was a hard situation to know how to handle correctly at the time.

 

BUT I’m hesitant because I guess it also seems a little pathetic of me. Obviously they have moved on—have tons of other friends (whereas I have a substantially less amount due to transferring) and probably rarely ever think of me now. I'm sure they could care less either way. If they did, they would have reached out to ME (at least once!) in this past year and a half, right?

 

I know I could easily just....not send a message and go about my life like I have been the past year and a half. But I guess PART of me wishes for something good to happen between us if I reach out??

 

Idk, tell me what you think, I’ve left a huge amount of background information out but hopefully it all still makes sense. Thank you for reading if you did!

Edited August 11, 2019 by sunflower24

[schlumpy]

What's the quote? "Familiarity breeds contempt"

 

How many groups of wonderful friends move in with each only to find themselves at each others throats in a relatively short period of time.

 

Too many.

 

Yes, I guess it would be a nice gesture to offer an olive branch even if the response is not immediate. Somewhere down the road things could break loose but it depends on what the problems were that caused the breakdown in the friendships.

 

Was it stealing each others boyfriends or was it personality irritations? The degree of transgression will determine the rate of forgiveness.

 

But consider that friendship is like a love affair. Once you break up it's never the same relationship if you go back.

[Watercolors]

Leaving out the background information as to the transgressions these three girls committed against you that semester before you left, while you lived together, takes away the context so it's hard to judge what you should do.

 

Are you comfortable providing that context now? What did these sorority sisters do to you?

[sunflower24]

They didn't do anything heinous really, but their behavior put me into a poor mental state where I felt very undervalued.

 

So, ultimately, that last semester before I transferred was a very difficult and emotional one for me. Obviously, I knew I was transferring and the thought of me leaving was an overarching source of anxiety and sadness. My boyfriend had graduated the semester prior and moved 5 hours away. Academically, I was struggling.

 

However, they kinda just ignored of all it. They acted very indifferent towards me transferring (never brought it up, never asked me how it was making me feel) and failed to acknowledge that my last night there was indeed my last night—instead they threw a party in our apartment while I was upstairs very stressed over having to study for my last final (they were all finished). I asked them multiple times throughout the night to please speak a little quieter and not to yell (there was probably 15+ people in our apartment drunk and it was insanely loud), but they ignored my wishes. It was really sad and disrespectful, and I was only able to get 3ish hours of sleep before I had to wake up for my final. The next morning I was visibly upset, but they didn’t speak one word to me as I packed up my belongings. I left, removed myself from the group chat, and that was that.

 

It all seems very petty I guess, but the implications were honestly so shocking. In a matter of seconds I literally lost my three best friends, without even one word said.

[sunflower24]

But consider that friendship is like a love affair. Once you break up it's never the same relationship if you go back.

 

I know. I agree with this. I don't think the four of us would ever truly be good friends again (I have grown so different from them and who I was back then, I'm sure), but it is something I can't help but fantasize about.

[Watercolors]

They didn't do anything heinous really, but their behavior put me into a poor mental state where I felt very undervalued.

 

So, ultimately, that last semester before I transferred was a very difficult and emotional one for me. Obviously, I knew I was transferring and the thought of me leaving was an overarching source of anxiety and sadness. My boyfriend had graduated the semester prior and moved 5 hours away. Academically, I was struggling.

 

However, they kinda just ignored of all it. They acted very indifferent towards me transferring (never brought it up, never asked me how it was making me feel) and failed to acknowledge that my last night there was indeed my last night—instead they threw a party in our apartment while I was upstairs very stressed over having to study for my last final (they were all finished). I asked them multiple times throughout the night to please speak a little quieter and not to yell (there was probably 15+ people in our apartment drunk and it was insanely loud), but they ignored my wishes. It was really sad and disrespectful, and I was only able to get 3ish hours of sleep before I had to wake up for my final. The next morning I was visibly upset, but they didn’t speak one word to me as I packed up my belongings. I left, removed myself from the group chat, and that was that.

 

It all seems very petty I guess, but the implications were honestly so shocking. In a matter of seconds I literally lost my three best friends, without even one word said.

 

Honestly? These three college students were NOT your best friends.

 

Best friends don't ignore their friend for the entire semester before she leaves.

Best friends don't pretend their best friend's feelings aren't important.

Best friends don't throw a party the night before their best friend leaves, when they know she has to study for her final that they already finished. And, then, ignore their best friend's requests to quiet down the noise from their party that they threw without considering their best friend's feelings (anxiety and depression about leaving, about being away from her boyfriend) and circumstances (she has to still study for her final that they already took).

 

Now that I know the context, I can say without a doubt -- these sorority sisters of yours, were very inconsiderate towards you and didn't treat you with much respect at all.

 

I don't think you should waste another second thinking about these girls. They are literally not worthy of your friendship. Forget about them and focus on your present circumstances. Focus on your studies, on your boyfriend, and making NEW friends.

 

If you reach out to them you'll be undermining your own boundaries, which they trodded on that last semester you lived with them. They don't care about your feelings and they showed that pretty clearly to you even the night before you drove off with your mom. Do NOT lower your standards because you are lonely in a new place, longing for the familiar. They may be what you were used to but ask yourself if you can do better friendship-wise. I think you can. I think you should. They sound like very superficial, thoughtless twits these 3 sorority sisters. Be done with them. They will only make you miserable if you reconnect with them.

[preraph]

Don't contact the third one. She doesn't like you anymore. If she ever did.

 

I would maybe reach out like that one friend did to you and wish the other ones who added you happy birthday. Or you can always write one that something today reminded you of them.

[Foxhall]

What's the quote? "Familiarity breeds contempt"

 

How many groups of wonderful friends move in with each only to find themselves at each others throats in a relatively short period of time.

 

Too many.

 

Yes, I guess it would be a nice gesture to offer an olive branch even if the response is not immediate. Somewhere down the road things could break loose but it depends on what the problems were that caused the breakdown in the friendships.

 

Was it stealing each others boyfriends or was it personality irritations? The degree of transgression will determine the rate of forgiveness.

 

But consider that friendship is like a love affair. Once you break up it's never the same relationship if you go back.

 

this is so true Schlumpy, I know too from past experience its just really difficult to get an old friendship back the same after a bad fallout,

 

Id feel though in general at the age of the opening poster here, these type of falls outs would be common enough and it should be possible to kiss and make up!

 

In fairness watercolours makes a good point also,

but I am a great believer in not holding grudges,

 

your instinct I think wants to reconnect with these girls, I see no harm in reaching out, that clears your conscience anyway,

 

if they embrace you good and well, if not, you've tried and you have done nothing wrong really.

[sunflower24]

Honestly? These three college students were NOT your best friends.

 

Best friends don't ignore their friend for the entire semester before she leaves.

Best friends don't pretend their best friend's feelings aren't important.

Best friends don't throw a party the night before their best friend leaves, when they know she has to study for her final that they already finished. And, then, ignore their best friend's requests to quiet down the noise from their party that they threw without considering their best friend's feelings (anxiety and depression about leaving, about being away from her boyfriend) and circumstances (she has to still study for her final that they already took).

 

Now that I know the context, I can say without a doubt -- these sorority sisters of yours, were very inconsiderate towards you and didn't treat you with much respect at all.

 

I don't think you should waste another second thinking about these girls. They are literally not worthy of your friendship. Forget about them and focus on your present circumstances. Focus on your studies, on your boyfriend, and making NEW friends.

 

If you reach out to them you'll be undermining your own boundaries, which they trodded on that last semester you lived with them. They don't care about your feelings and they showed that pretty clearly to you even the night before you drove off with your mom. Do NOT lower your standards because you are lonely in a new place, longing for the familiar. They may be what you were used to but ask yourself if you can do better friendship-wise. I think you can. I think you should. They sound like very superficial, thoughtless twits these 3 sorority sisters. Be done with them. They will only make you miserable if you reconnect with them.

 

Thank you for this reality check. They were absolutely inconsiderate and did not treat me with respect at all. I've never let my view of those two —but I am no longer bitter or angry about it. Does it still suck to think about? Absolutely. But we've all grown older, and I would like to think that they have matured and now recognize that treating someone that way is not okay.

 

I know, though, that pride is a big player here. I think they're too prideful to openly take any responsibility for the way things panned out (which is my reasoning for why they have never reached out). I think the morning I left, they knew I had every reason to be upset, and that's why they stayed silent as I was packing. Instead of expressing remorse, they sensed my anger and turned it around on me.

 

I guess it's probably best I just leave it all alone. I doubt they want any reminders of how they behaved anyway.

 

The thing is though, I am making new friends! I'm actually doing the best I have been since I transferred actually—not an issue of feeling lonely at all. Being in a good headspace is ironically what sparks my desire to reach out to people from my past, lol. I genuinely just like to be on good terms with people, and being in a place where I no longer having anger or bitterness towards them hypothetically makes that possible.

[sunflower24]

but I am a great believer in not holding grudges,

 

your instinct I think wants to reconnect with these girls, I see no harm in reaching out, that clears your conscience anyway,

 

if they embrace you good and well, if not, you've tried and you have done nothing wrong really.

 

I'm really not one for grudges either. That's why it's such a hard decision for me. They WERE good friends at one point, and I'm really thankful for all the good times we had. They were just what I needed coming into college.

 

Part of me really just has this feeling that the two other girls are apologetic, it's just gotten past the point now for them to reach out comfortably. I view the message one of them sent via instagram (in April I think?) kind of as an olive branch of sorts.

 

The other girl, well...I was absolutely the most hurt of the 4 of us, but I think I did really hurt her by leaving how I did.

 

I don't know... it's a tricky situation. I appreciate your input!

Edited August 11, 2019 by sunflower24