Friend with Benefits?

[Dis]

Hey guys!

 

I just got out of my LTR. It was a whirlwind and a pressure cooker to remove myself from. Every break up I've had, I always felt sad after because it was always a loss even if the R ended badly. But this one? I've never felt so freed in my life. The only time I cried was when I had just completed the break up and moved into my new place all in the same day....my cat was pawing at the TV which I was desperately trying to set up...and I just cried a brief 5 seconds out of gratitude and feeling so overwhelmed. Other than that, I have had 0 moments of sadness or grief. I was planning my escape for about a month so I think I processed everything before the break up.

 

Sorry I didn't update my last thread on that. I thought my ex had seen my account so I put up fake pics and posts in case I needed to throw him off. The last thing I needed was that flaring temper of his.

 

If any of you are familiar with my last thread, you know my ex and I had sex once a month and he lasted about 2 minutes. I had one O in that 2 year relationship. Which leads me to the purpose of this thread...

 

Obviously I'm incredibly sexually frustrated. I have never had casual sex. Kind of been opposed to it because of the risk of STDs even when using a condom and I just never wanted to give myself to a guy unless he earned it. But this break up has me feeling different than I used to. I used to want to jump right back in with someone new with the intent of finding love. But this time, I just want sex and to be on my own with occasional company of a guy that knows what he's doing but can also be a friend...FWB.

 

I got picked up by a guy at home depot today. Very good looking guy. He was nervous but got a good read off him. Gave him my number and immediately he texts me about wanting me in that way....which I don't mind because that's what I want. I just don't want to have sex with a d bag. I hooked up with a guy from work a few days prior...no sex...he just got me off. So now I'm looking for a steady source of sex but don't want to have sex with someone I don't trust a fair amount. The new guy has been separated from his wife for 8 months so not a clean situation. So not sure how to feel about that. I want him to take me out a bit before we have sex.

 

I've never done FWB before. I don't know how it works. I want sex but I don't want sex with a stranger as that's not the safest practice. I'm not sure how to go about this...any tips?

 

Thanks guys!

[alphamale]

for FWB just make sure you are both on the same page

[Dis]

for FWB just make sure you are both on the same page[/uOTE]

 

With this guy we are. We both don't want any commitment. But I'd like to continually hang out, be fwb but not sure he wants that.

 

He came on pretty strong with wanting sex so...not sure if he wants to have sex once and that's it?

[alphamale]

...not sure if he wants to have sex once and that's it?

 

I guess you'll find out

[Dis]

I guess you'll find out

 

Eh.. I don't like that but I'm not expecting a guarantee either

 

Wish I had guy friends I was attracted to so I knew what I was getting into

[Blanco]

There's no real way to safeguard yourself from this, unfortunately. Hard as it might be, you almost have to take the approach that there's a real chance he'll vanish after you hook up or maybe after you hook up a handful of times.

 

If you're just looking for a FWB, just roll with it. Be safe and all that, and have some fun without expecting that you'll see this guy again. You've earned a bit of promiscuity.

[schlumpy]

Join a swingers club. There's three of them listed where I live. Exactly what you want. No strings attached.

[Lorenza]

Sorry to hear it didn't work out, but not really surprised that it ended and that you feel relieved, that guy was a piece of work.

Here where I am, some people are just looking for casual dating and write that openly on their profiles. Or write that they're not into ONS but not looking to commit either. Maybe you can specify that yourself.

[Dis]

The guy that picked me up yesterday has been texting a lot.

 

He's very sexual but I am too. I never thought I would want hook ups but after that drought in my last relationship, I can't get my mind off sex.

 

So what about the risk of STDs? He says he liked oral...to give and receive but I can't feel ok about putting a strangers D in my mouth without a condom and I could see how a condom with a bj wouldn't feel as good.

 

This guy is actually an EMT and I'm an RN. I've seen him at my work. He's fine af. I just wouldn't want word to get around that we're hooking up.

 

I kind of want to go out with him a few times before we hookup so we made tentative plans for this Wednesday or Thursday. But like someone said, he could just take off after we hook up which I wouldn't be heart broken about but it would feel kinda disappointing.

 

We've been pretty much sexting non-stop. I like that build up.

 

He's only 8 months separated from his wife. That's kinda messy and I hope he's telling me the truth about that. He says she's dating others and so is he....so he's banging other women? Ehhh..I'm not banging anyone else. The thought of being with a guy who could also be having sex with other women sounds bad to me but I guess that's how this works???

 

I just don't know how to go about this. I'm monogamous at heart...always have been. But sex is what I want now.

[Dis]

This guy just told me he has an a$$ fetish

 

I have a awesome butt so that's cool with me

 

He said, "when I saw your a$$ I had to pick my jaw up off the floor"

 

It's nice to feel wanted sexually after not feeling that way for a whole year in my last relationship

 

Is sending pics off limits?

[Foxhall]

for FWB just make sure you are both on the same page[/uOTE]

 

With this guy we are. We both don't want any commitment. But I'd like to continually hang out, be fwb but not sure he wants that.

 

He came on pretty strong with wanting sex so...not sure if he wants to have sex once and that's it?

 

give him a trial run I suppose and you can decide then:D

[Dis]

Is it ok to send sexy pic?

 

I wouldn't send nudes

 

Just wondering because since he's an EMT he comes into my work place sometimes

[Dis]

Turns out the guy from work I hooked up with is still with his gf or at least still hangs out with her. We didn't have sex. He just got me off. So I don't feel used but I do feel lied to. Kinda hurts even though I wasn't really into him.

 

Another thing, I have serious reason to believe the other guy is not as separated from his wife as he leads on.

 

After these developments I feel like, why bother? I'm happy being on my own and I don't really want to spend my new found freedom navigating this nonsense. I really just want to be free of drama considering I just got out of a boatload of it.

 

Too bad even hookups are complicated

[h0000]

T

 

Too bad even hookups are complicated

 

haha sorry honey but hookups are not complicated, U are making it complicated. You are asking for way too much for a hookup. Cant be one off, cant be strangers, needs to hang afterwards, needs to know what he's doing, can be a friend etc etc..

 

Oh dear, you aint gonna find what you want..

[Dis]

haha sorry honey but hookups are not complicated, U are making it complicated. You are asking for way too much for a hookup. Cant be one off, cant be strangers, needs to hang afterwards, needs to know what he's doing, can be a friend etc etc..

 

Oh dear, you aint gonna find what you want..

 

Lmao

 

I know, I had a friend tell me the same thing

 

I guess I'm so monogamous at heart I can't figure this out. I don't want anything serious, I don't want commitment, I don't want to feel anything...but at the same time I don't want to have sex with a stranger or a guy that's having sex with other women..yuck

 

I thought I could do FWB...but I'm starting to think I can't and maybe that's ok

[Kitty Tantrum]

I suspect that if YOU are not casual about sex, then casual sex will not be fun for you. It wasn't for me. Even when there were orgasms involved... not worth all the anxiety.

 

And there are a lot of people who are really bad at sex. And the ones who are good are usually a lot less available/will be seeing other people, frankly.

 

And then if you find a good one who meets all those criteria and is as available as you want... don't kid yourself, you're gonna want to keep that. Don't you think?

 

That's how it went down for me anyway.

 

In terms of STI risk mitigation in the FWB search, I can't say enough good things about nerdy awkward guys who basically never get laid. But they'll probably fall in love with you. And it's a total crap shoot whether they're any good in bed, so it's all down to trial and error. Who knows how many you'd have to go through.

[FMW]

FWB has been working for me for 8 months now, but in my situation he really was a friend for several years prior to getting intimate. We also agreed we wouldn't be having sex with anyone else, so when one of us meets someone we want to be involved with we'll end it. Because we were established friends I trust him to be honest with me about that.

 

We each have our own reasons for not being involved with anyone else right now and not looking to be for the moment. So this fills the need for connection and sex.

 

But I think our situation is probably not that common and most FWB situations don't work out well.

[RecentChange]

I admit OP - I haven't been reading your threads more recently, but have followed your post over the years and I just do not see you as a woman who would be well suited to casual sex arrangements.

 

Sorry.... But be sure you are an absolute pro at compartmentalizing and boundaries. Otherwise it won't have a chance of working.

[Sunlight72]

I think there are two possibilities for you to find what you're describing OP.

 

1 - See if you can think of an ex to get in touch with and they are single and also not keen on a full fledged relationship. Someone you got along with and can trust, and the sex was good, yet whom you split with due to some grand reason - didn't mesh with each other's family, have different ideas on finances, one wanted kids and the other didn't, something like that. This sort of guy I think you could meet with at a bar/restaurant/park and chat a bit, see if the chemistry is still there for you, and just outright tell him you're looking for a Friend With Benefits, exclusive but no other obligation. Keep the conversation after that reeeal short and kind of business like. If he agrees, be prepared to take him home right then or within a couple days, bed him, then kiss him and gently push him out the door so he gets the message from your actions just what you want.

 

Otherwise, I don't actually think you want a Friends With Benefits Disillusionment.

 

2 - I think what you want is a relationship with someone who is really busy due to their work (EMT/Firefighter who works 72 hours on/48 hours off, someone who works on an oil rig 2 weeks on, 1 week off, someone who works 2 jobs, someone who travels for work {but not a sales rep or promo person - they'll have many temptations for sexual partners when 'on the road'}) or maybe a single father who works full time.

 

With someone like that, you could have a less frequent, less serious relationship, but many men in such a situation would be glad to go on a date sometimes, and sex after, or netflix and chill sort of thing. You can just keep inviting them over to your house or invite yourself to their house so you can leave without spending the night, and they'll get the picture after a few meetups.

 

It's 2019 - people have all kinds of arrangements.

 

Recently, an ex of mine who I have stayed platonic friends with came over to visit more often than usual after she heard my relationship had ended. The third visit over we got a little huggy and handsy, and as she was taking her pants of she said "can we just make out and not date?". That was pretty clear, and pretty hard to turn down. It lasted about a month, because she said she started hoping for more and I'm not ready, so she ended it. But, it worked for her to get a little action from this ex - could work for you.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited August 13, 2019 by Sunlight72

[Maggiemay1]

 

After these developments I feel like, why bother? I'm happy being on my own and I don't really want to spend my new found freedom navigating this nonsense. I really just want to be free of drama considering I just got out of a boatload of it.

 

Too bad even hookups are complicated

 

Oh dear!

As someone else said, hook ups are not complicated.

 

You don’t want to have sex with anyone who is having sex with another.

So you are looking for exclusivity which neither hook ups or fwb’s can provide.

 

That means you are looking for something that doesn’t exist or at best is very rare.

 

Your best chance at finding it is a recently divorced ( but devastated about it )or a widowed male really! Or a sugar daddy??

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm not into casual sex. The only way I can have it and enjoy it if it's with someone I know would want a relationship with me. Even if I don't. The other scenario is a fling. Hot start of a mini-relationship that I know won't last. Most recently with a 25 year old

[Buffer]

Hi D,

 

Your body your life, but please think hard about the partner. Things can quickly change when, during or after the event.

I know you are a bright intelligent person, but feelings may form even though rules have been set. Awkward if the other party get them and you don’t.

 

Just my thoughts, good luck, have safe fun.

[Reznar]

Lmao

 

I know, I had a friend tell me the same thing

 

I guess I'm so monogamous at heart I can't figure this out. I don't want anything serious, I don't want commitment, I don't want to feel anything...but at the same time I don't want to have sex with a stranger or a guy that's having sex with other women..yuck

 

I thought I could do FWB...but I'm starting to think I can't and maybe that's ok

 

You are definitely not suited for casual sex if you have those "wants". The thing is, most guys suck at approaching women, and if they by any chance do manage to attract you, they definitely won't be with another woman, but you'll probably lose interest in a guy like that quickly since he will become needy and will push you to be in a relationship, which you do not want at this moment.

 

On the other hand, guys that do not suck at approaching women and who are attractive either don't want to have only one ****buddy or will say they are only with you but will definitely be with other women on the side, at least in the beginning.

 

You are in a strange situation. I'm guessing you don't want a one night stand with a stranger from a club, which, since you are only looking for casual sex, is the situation that casual sex will most likely happen from. But again, most guys who manage the one night stand are mostly only into that.

 

You're living in a bit of a paradox. You don't want a relationship, but your version of a fwb is exactly like a relationship. He can't have sex with other women only with you - that's basically like monogamy.

 

Fwb is for people who want to have sex with different people at the same time. It does not make any sense to have a fwb who can't have sex with other people because that is basically the same as a real ltr. That's why you will have trouble finding a guy who is okay with all the stuff you mentioned. Guys who want a fwb want it for a reason - so that they can have sex with other people as well, otherwise they would look for a girlfriend.

[mark clemson]

Hi D_373, remember your other thread and thinking it was odd how quickly you made a 180 degree turn back into the R. Guess now we know why that was.

 

No specific advice other than to examine what's driving your "need" for casual. Really if it's a need for validation, then consider what might be driving that psychologically. You might consider ways you might address this that are less risky for health and to a certain extent self-esteem.

 

No judgment here or anything like that. If I was single I'd be looking for partners too in one capacity or another. Just suggesting you reflect a bit as ultimately/eventually you'll want to be doing what's best for the longer term (even if you're not looking at the LT right now).

[Ruby Slippers]

Horrible idea. Risky, waste of time, distraction from your greater goals.

 

Focus and hold out for what you really want. Great sex is one of the easiest things to find with a new mate. Once you meet a good man, it's gonna be on like Donkey Kong.

 

Focus on what you really want, the whole enchilada.

 

Virtual/phone fun can help in a real pinch.