what to do with an uninvited guest?

[Sarak]

Hi Everyone,

My wedding is coming up in 4 weeks and I noticed that one of our family friends filled out the RSVP form on our website, when they weren't invited to the wedding!!! I think they assumed they are invited since I invited they parents. I would let this go and have them at my wedding but I HATE these girls and they have been really mean to me in the past.

 

how can I tell them that they are NOT invited?

 

Thanks,

[Firebird]

That does sucks!! it's really hard to invite there parents but not theml. By inviting the parents that means there invited too. This one is a tough one I think it's to late to do anything but be rude now!!!

[slubberdegullion]

What does your soon-to-be husband say about this? Does he know these people too, and know that they've mistreated you in the past? Since it's his wedding too, he might have some input.

[Leid]

Hey, that really sucks. It is YOUR wedding and if you don't want anyone there, they shouldn't be. Maybe your can ask the parents aobut this? Could be they're the ones who submitted the form? Also, you may want to discuss this w/ your fiance to see what he has to say about that. Weddings aren't cheap and people need to realize they're private affairs and guests are there ONLY because the bride and groom wants them there. I hope you get this straightened out.. and don't feel guilty or bad about uninviting anyone to your wedding. Just be sure to do it smoothly.. and I'm sure you will. All the best!

 

Leid

[curiousnycgirl]

While I agree that it sucks - I disagree that you shouldn't handle it directly with them.

 

I would drop them a very sweet note thanking them for their response but advising them that you had not meant the invitation to their parents to cover the whole family.

 

Apologize for the misunderstanding - and then let it go. If you must find an excuse - tell them you were very challenged to keep your guest list to a specific number, and simply cannot increase the guest list.

 

Good luck

[HokeyReligions]

While I agree that it sucks - I disagree that you shouldn't handle it directly with them.

 

I would drop them a very sweet note thanking them for their response but advising them that you had not meant the invitation to their parents to cover the whole family.

 

Apologize for the misunderstanding - and then let it go. If you must find an excuse - tell them you were very challenged to keep your guest list to a specific number, and simply cannot increase the guest list.

 

Good luck

 

This sounds like the best way to handle it.

[RecordProducer]

If I invite somebody at any type of party, it means they can bring their children also. It's very rude to let them know that their children are not welcome. If I were invited at a wedding party but the bride told my kids they were not invited I would never ever speak to her again.

[bab]

Wow RP, that seems a bit harsh. Because we have so many cousins my fiance and I had thought of only inviting aunts and uncles. There were a couple of cousins I wanted to be there, so we decided not to go that route. Good thing! I'd hate to never have any of my aunts and uncles talk to me again!!

 

I think curiousnycgirl has the best suggestion. By the way, why did you have a way for people without invitations to RSVP in the first place?

[Art_Critic]

This is a touchy one.. I think it depends on how old the kids are.

 

If they are young then they have every right to bring them unless you specified on the invitation that kids are not allowed.

 

If they are adult children then you have a right to be upset but sometimes we can't control everything and everybody and you just need to bite your lip unless you want your wedding day to be tarnished by petty BS.

 

There were people at my wedding that were not invited and I took the attitude of the more the merrier.. It can make for a better time.

[RecordProducer]

Well I was curious about the American mentality so I asked my American boyfriend what he thinks of this particular situation and here's what he said (cited): "My advice would be to point out to her that weddings and funerals are society's gifts of "opportunity". During these occassions, we get the opportunity to change things, mend relationships, reconnect with loved ones, atone for past misdeeds, etc... She should present herself as "the better one" and she will never regret it. If however, she refuses their presence she will hurt their parents and herself in the long run... PLUS she will escalate a situation at a time when she has a wonderful opportunity to diffuse it!"

 

He is a 48-year old successful businessman, educated, well travelled, and the most polite person I've ever met.

[Iluvsiamese]

I get the impression that these are not children. Speaking from an etiquette point of view, if the invitation stated "Mr. & Mrs.Friend" then the children (adult or otherwise) are not included. An "and Family" would have accomplished that, if desired.

 

In an informal setting, including children is ok. However, if you are putting out for a formal affair, I don't feel that it is appropriate to include children. I did not include children at my wedding for that reason. However, a cousin of mine invited herself, her husband and brought their children. The wedding video is evidence to their presence--they talked loudly, screamed, cried etc. throughout the ceremony and it escalated as the day progressed. They had to travel to get there and I felt that it was too much for them to handle. I don't blame the kids--they were over-tired and bored and the day was just too long for them.

 

It depends on how much you really don't want them there. You can take the point of view of RP's boyfriend and run the risk of having them spoil your day as their past behaviour indicates that this is a possibility. (Inviting yourself to a wedding emphasizes this, IMO.) There are other, better venues for them to make their peace with you if that's what their goal is. Or you can write the note as suggested by Curiousnycgirl. Have you consulted with your parents as I assume that these are friends of theirs as well? It is possible that they were approached by them first or could gently let them know that the girls weren't included for whatever reason you'd like to give.

 

My ex-husband insisted on showing up at my mother's burial service, despite my being adamant that he not attend. My family were aware of how I felt but did not back me up and to add insult to injury, invited him to the restaurant where we gathered afterwards for a meal. It completely ruined the occasion for me and I remember it with anger now instead of more appropriate sentiments. Don't allow someone to spoil your wedding day for you. If you absolutely don't want them there, then make it known. You know whether you are able to get past them being there or not.

[lindya]

I HATE these girls and they have been really mean to me in the past. how can I tell them that they are NOT invited?

 

With a cheerful smile. Regarding the wording, how about...

 

"Dear...

 

Invitations to our wedding were issued to a number of our parents' friends. You will appreciate, however, that X and I have a number of our own friends who we wish to invite. On that basis, and given that we have to limit numbers, it really isn't possible for invitations to be extended to children of our parents' friends.

 

We regret any misunderstanding, and look forward to seeing your parents at the wedding. Best wishes, X and Y."

 

Have an fantastic wedding day

[RainyDayWoman]

 

In an informal setting, including children is ok. However, if you are putting out for a formal affair, I don't feel that it is appropriate to include children. I did not include children at my wedding for that reason. However, a cousin of mine invited herself, her husband and brought their children. The wedding video is evidence to their presence--they talked loudly, screamed, cried etc. throughout the ceremony and it escalated as the day progressed. They had to travel to get there and I felt that it was too much for them to handle. I don't blame the kids--they were over-tired and bored and the day was just too long for them.

 

 

i agree. i will not have children at my wedding and will make it clear *but politely* that other arrangements should be made for children.

 

i was just at a wedding in which children were allowed to attend. i didn't hear a word of the ceremony, and the reception was spent dodging these kids as they ran all over the place. maybe the bride and groom didn't mind, but when it's my day....UH-UH. no way. i love most kids, but i think there are places that are somewhat inappropriate for them to be.

 

also, i want my guests there to have a good time, and not have to worry about chasing their kids around. a wedding, to me, is an adult event anyway. with the exception of children taking part in the wedding, children should not be there and probably don't want to be anyway.

 

i think it is terribly rude of someone to just decide they were invited to your wedding. you definitely have to say something. i know if someone responded to my invitation by saying "we are coming, but we can't find anyone to watch the kids, so we have to bring them" i would *politely* remind them that it's an adult occasion.

 

of course, if i chose at my discretion this person's company even with their kids, then that's my right to do that. and it's your right to decide who you do and don't want at your wedding.

 

try sending them a bill that says "the so-and-so wedding covers only invited guests. please send this amount to cover the charges you will incur by attending this wedding uninvited."

[JayKay]

That's so difficult and I'm sorry you're stuck between a rock and a hard place so to speak.

 

It's unfortunate, but many people tend to take liberties when weddings and other family events are involved. They forget that the day is NOT ABOUT THEM!

I'm sorry if some would perceive you as 'selfish' for limiting your guest list, but in truth, weddings are expensive and many guest lists need to be limited. I think most people understand this and if you tactfully and graciously say to the parents, "I would be so honored to have you at my wedding. I apologize for the confusion; I could only invite the two of you due to constraints on the number of guests we agreed to invite. My fiancee had to cut a number of people too and if I include all four of you, then he will have to cut two people from his list,which wouldn't be fair."

 

If they choose not to understand, I am sorry for them.

 

I dont' think it's rude not to invite children. I think it's rude to assume your children are welcome anywhere and everywhere. I like kids a lot but there are certain events that are adult-oriented.

 

My parents LOVED adult-only weddings! They said it was the only time they were allowed to get loose and forget their responsibilities for a while! And when I was a kid, I was happy to be let off the hook. Weddings SUCK for little kids. You're stuffed into clothes that you're not allowed to get dirty, you're told repeatedly to stop running around, to stop talking and sit straight. The food is weird, the night is long and it's altogether boring.

[RecordProducer]

The daughters that were bitches to her are obviously not children so this is not about adult-only wedding. She doesn't want to offend the parents, but if she tells their daughters that they are not welcome they will definitely be offended. Weddings are never only about the bride and groom, they are about all the people who are invited too. Just because it's her night, doesn't mean that these people won't be deeply offended.

[RainyDayWoman]

Just because it's her night, doesn't mean that these people won't be deeply offended.

 

this is true....but they were still weren't invited. it was rude to assume that they were, so they obviously don't know wedding etiquette that well. (very few do, though, i suppose, which is why there are books to refer to.) But whoever is on the envelope indicates who is invited.

 

i wonder is there is a wedding book on what to do if an uninvited guest decides to rsvp...?

[BadBadGirl]

i would just be honest. your feelings might be hurt if someone did the same thing to you, but wouldn't you rather someone be honest than you showing up and having someone annoyed with you and talking about you behind your back? and then finding out later you weren't even supposed to be there? how embarrasing that would be.

[HotCaliGirl]

If it was a budget concern being the reason why she couldn't invite the children (which I thnk are adults since she has a history with them and they don't like each other), then she might have to find a way to include them to please the parents, since it's important to make the guests happy.

 

(As far as those who don't like to invite children to formal parties, I've gone to many where they have on-site babysitting service which works out perfect).

 

In this case, it is more of a personal issue. I have a feeling the parents RSVP-ed for the children...in any case, I would respond stating that you're flattered they'd like to attend, but that the wedding is by invitation only. This will put them in check and not let them get away with inviting themselves, which is very tacky. And if they mistakenly thought that they were invited, it will make it clear. There is nothing worse than having people present on a special day who you do not like. A wedding is not a place to force people in your presence who you do not want there, but instead a day to share with the ones you love.

[JayKay]

If these children of the invited parents are grown-up people, than it's even RUDER to assume they are invited when they are not.

 

I realize people make sweeping assumptions when it comes to babies and small children (which,while annoying, is somewhat understandable given the degree of attention little children need).

 

To invite ADULT PEOPLE who were not on the invitation is mindless and inconsiderate. Who does that? Everyone knows that the invitees are the people listed on the invitation.

 

That would be like me carting two of my friends along to a party, just because I was invited. "Oh, I thought they could come too...."

 

No!!!!

 

Again, weddings are a costly affair. That's the bottom line. You cannot placate everyone.

 

I swear, everytime I hear about a wedding I hear that so-and-so wasn't happy because her allergic aunt wasn't catered to....because Uncle Frank was seated next to Cousin Ralph and they don't get along....because cousin Francis thought the bridesmaids dresses were ugly.....Grandma Martha HATED the outdoor reception ("you know Grandma has allergies and she was just miserable!") and best-friend Stewart didn't like being paired up with second-cousin Brenda in the wedding party ("she insulted my brother and never apologized"). Then former co-worker Stacy was pissed because her daughter wasn't included in the wedding party ("I thought we were best friends!") and groom's brother Dan was insulted because he wasn't asked to sing ("It's something I always thought I'd do at my brother's weddding").

 

The couple planning the wedding has to always deal with people's little peeves and personal feelings and preferances and prejudices. To a degree, yes, you should want to make others' happy. But I see so much SELFISHNESS on the guests' end!