How to find friends

[ZA Dater]

I suppose this is a ridiculous topic but at the age of 35 I have no idea how to do this.

 

Logic would say to find people interested in similar things but what if you cant find anyone interested in anything similar.

It would be true to say I am somewhat of a workaholic, mainly because when I work I don't feel so lonely.

 

Lets just accept I cant date so don't suggest that as a solution because I tried that for 20 years with no success at all.

 

My problem is I find myself in a place where seemingly everyone either has gf's, is married, had kids or parties their life away I don't really fit into any of that.

 

I thought about going out and trying to talk to random people, but where, I don't drink so a club or bar wont work, I tried to use my interest in cars to meet people but that doesn't work either because I don't really fit in there either.

 

Do I simply accept this and just enjoy the work I do and try further that at the expense of the lonely feeling I feel sometimes? Honestly I cant think of anything else.

[elaine567]

You write.

There must be some writer's groups, workshops, book clubs, book festivals etc where like types hang out, no?

[alphamale]

you should read books on how to find friends and influence people

[ZA Dater]

you should read books on how to find friends and influence people

 

 

 

Been there, done that. Right after that I listened to "My Way"

[MetallicHue]

If there was a dislike button @alphamale I’d click on it. I too struggle with making friends in real life but that’s more of a function of being socially inept. Online groups with common interest could be worth a try.

[ZA Dater]

You write.

There must be some writer's groups, workshops, book clubs, book festivals etc where like types hang out, no?

 

I did investigate this before and went to one meet up and it was very meh to be honest.

 

The only way I can really see something working is if I can find someone to work on a project with but inevitably that's going to have limitations, for example the last time I did find someone but I just ended up being the guy who did the kind things here bf never did and the venting board "oh you wont believe what he did" frankly I am not interested in this sort of friendship.

 

Cars, well one would have thought this would really work, it really doesn't because American muscle doesn't really have much of a youthful following here and the Italian exotics I like, well people cant relate to those.

 

So a part of me basically lives according to this

 

'make enough money to one day live the life you want"

[ZA Dater]

Online groups with common interest could be worth a try.

 

 

 

Absolutely but that doesn't help a lot when they live thousands of miles away.

[MetallicHue]

You find an online group then ask if anyone from South Africa is there lol. Not likely but there is 57m people there.

[alphamale]

Cars, well one would have thought this would really work, it really doesn't because American muscle doesn't really have much of a youthful following here and the Italian exotics I like, well people cant relate to those.

 

why don't you move to Detroit? there are tons of gear heads here. I think the Woodward Dream Cruise is coming up next weekend

[elaine567]

I did investigate this before and went to one meet up and it was very meh to be honest.

 

One meet up?

No-one makes friends on one meet up and no-one can really gauge what a group is really like on one meet up either surely?

[elaine567]

'make enough money to one day live the life you want"

 

But unless you engage with people, you are still going to be alone.

[ZA Dater]

But unless you engage with people, you are still going to be alone.

 

True but hopefully ones value will be higher to the point where the not so nice things are overlooked.

 

One thing I have noticed is people gravitate towards success.

[ZA Dater]

why don't you move to Detroit?

 

I nearly came over for Roadkill Nights event last year....

[alphamale]

One thing I have noticed is people gravitate towards success.

 

of course ZAD...no one wants to be associated with failure

[Foxhall]

Quiz teams would suit you I imagine, youd be knowledgeable and you would get a good opportunity to meet people at these,people are in a more relaxed vain to at this type of gathering

 

Are you into sports at all, I meet plenty of people through squash and golf,

 

more acquaintances I suppose than friends, it is easy make acquaintances but it takes a while to turn them into friends

 

history clubs, business meet ups, self employed conferences and so on,

 

advising other people on how to make money, you allude you are good at running a business and making money, so passing on them insights will gain you a few more contacts,

 

keep in mind to occupy yourself, but try to occupy yourself in a social way.

[basil67]

The secret to having friends is to have a genuine interest in others. To be clear, the connection isn't based on their hobbies or day to day activties, but in the person themselves.

[kompass]

Hi,

 

There are many practical ways of meeting friends, such as joining a team or doing an interactive activity, but I don't think that is the right answer.

 

In order to connect with other people, you need to be able to open up to them and show them who you are. Show your vulnerabilities. Show them kindness love and compassion, even if you have to take the first step. And if they do it first, you must be able to accept it and reciprocate. Smile. Be happy (or pretend to be if you are not). People will be attracted to you if you can bring them positive energy, so you have to find some way to do that.

 

If you don't do those things, then you will have trouble connecting with people regardless of the activity. I do not know you or where you are at, but I do know that if you do those things above, you will have no trouble making friends in almost any situation.

 

It is not a quick fix. Learn to enjoy the process of becoming better at those things and friendships and love will come gradually into your life. Start with reflecting on your thoughts, dig deep and examine your fears. Read and repeat - develop habits and a routine. Learn to love yourself more - the more you love yourself the more you have to give, and the more you give the more you will receive. You will also find yourself becoming less needy (which we all are to some extent), and people that don't need anything from you and give instead are enjoyable to be around.

 

Hope that helps in some way.

[Foxhall]

Nice first post Kompass

[amaysngrace]

You can go to the bar or club without drinking. Go on a day when your favorite local sports team is playing.

[d0nnivain]

Making friends as an adult is hard. It's easier when you are younger & proximity is a huge factor. That said you have to find local groups you enjoy & the nurture the relationships:

 

I developed adult friendships through:

 

* work

 

* a book club at my church

 

* Alumni associations

 

* a business group

 

* doing a share house at the beach

 

* through service organizations / volunteering

 

Give one of those a shot

[ZA Dater]

Hi,

 

There are many practical ways of meeting friends, such as joining a team or doing an interactive activity, but I don't think that is the right answer.

 

.

 

Great post, thanks for sharing, I am going to read this post often because I think there is a huge amount of truth to it.

 

I will try some of those things and see how I get on, of course it doesn't help that unless am in a certain environments pretty awkward. I have learnt to accept that for the most part.

[ZA Dater]

Give one of those a shot

 

There aren't many days when I don't regret not making more friends when I was younger, I look around me and almost everyone has friends from their younger days.

 

Work is an odd one, am surprised you got that one to work, at my office the minute you leave the building we don't know each other.

 

The one that appeals most in some respect is the second to last one thought impossible do in SA thanks to our crime levels. Though my mind does sometimes wonder to other places in the world.

[MetallicHue]

I don’t think work is an odd one. You spend a lot of time there and in my case naturally opened up to a few people. Most work friends were fake but a few gems came out of it.

[d0nnivain]

Let me clarify the work one: it's people in your field not necessarily in your office. I either became better friends with work colleagues after we no longer worked at the same company or these friends are people I met through my industry, not necessarily at my company.

 

The share house thing gets you friends because you are all there together over a period of time. The way a summer or ski share works is you define the season. Then somebody rents a big house with multiple bed rooms & bathrooms. That person then figures out how much sleeping space there is . . .so for a 5 bedroom house it's probably 10 people unless some room has bunk beds. If the house costs $10,000 to rent for the season, the organizer would probably charge $1200 per person to 9 other people for a share of the house (mostly bed space) & a cleaning company. Some organizers pay their own share; others don't hire a cleaning company & instead the group takes turns cleaning the common areas. Then all those 10 people could use the house throughout the season. Somebody who didn't want to share a room, could pay double. Somebody who didn't want to come every week, you can get into 1/2 shares where people come every other week. Thus the group spends a lot of time together -- eating, drinking, sleeping, playing etc.

[basil67]

Work is an odd one, am surprised you got that one to work, at my office the minute you leave the building we don't know each other.

 

Most of the time this is true. But I do know some who've found a wonderful friend or two at work over the years. My hubby's best mate is someone he worked with 25 years ago.