MetallicHue Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 The secret to having friends is to have a genuine interest in others. To be clear, the connection isn't based on their hobbies or day to day activties, but in the person themselves. I think the problem with this is a lot of people are self centered and only think of those immediately around them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 The secret to having friends is to have a genuine interest in others. I suppose I battle with the concept because that interest is never reciprocated so what I end up with a situation where sure I take an interest in them but their interest in me only exists to the point where I can assist them with something. I have a LOT of examples of this, I am good enough to help out but not good enough to be invited along when they go to the theatre for example. Truthfully I have never been someone who has really had friends even when I was growing up, sure I had one or two but it was never the case of going away with friends or that sort of thing. One thing does stick in my mind, for a time I did Karate, I cant fathom as to why I ever did Karate but we went on a supposed Karate camp and to this day I remember how terrible this was because I didn't fit in at all (we were probably 10-11yo at the time and there were about 30 of us). Because my interests growing up never aligned with those around me I was the one who was teased constantly. On the flip side of this I see people who do have friends and I look at what benefit this is and I honestly struggle to find any because at the first sign of adversity those friends run for the hills. As someone who largely spend life on my own I debate constantly whether friends would actually enhance my life or rather add complexity to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I can so relate to this. Interest is never reciprocated in full. Get a lot less back from real life friends. I kind of liken it to a work project. You tell someone this is urgent and they never get back to you . Its like you and the friend are completely out of sync. Oh well. It is what it is. In my situation there’s not much I can help people with so no one ever really reaches out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 First you have to start with acquaintances & let them develop into friendships. It takes a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I suppose I battle with the concept because that interest is never reciprocated so what I end up with a situation where sure I take an interest in them but their interest in me only exists to the point where I can assist them with something. As I have said multiple times in your threads, interpersonal relationships are not straight up give-to-get arrangements. You are not interested in other people except insofar as they represent something that you want; if you are not getting that, you really have no interest in anyone as an individual. Honestly I don't think this is your fault, it's how you are wired, but at this stage of life it is on each of us to recognize our own shortcomings and, if they are standing in our way, do what we need to do to improve in those areas. What do YOU offer as a friend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Help people and do things for people with the personal understanding that it may never be reciprocated. It's a rare and special thing to have a balanced friendship with someone. In general, friendships are not going to have an exact give or take or anything like that. Enjoy people for who they are and in time you can distance yourself from the ones who are self-centered. Be selfless and those who are also that way will recognize themselves in you and will be drawn to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 What do YOU offer as a friend? Loyalty and if someone needs me I am there for them. I am actually a good listener and capable of helping people through difficult times because I have been through difficult times. What I am less good at doing is being fun and making people laugh so in essence I am that "problem solver" friend. Link to post Share on other sites
MysteryLuvsCompany8 Posted August 25, 2019 Share Posted August 25, 2019 It comes down to you having to put yourself out there & be social. Make small talk about the weather, etc & then just let things evolve organically from there. I'm a very social and extroverted (I have not always been this way) and it now comes very easy for me to engage people and meet potential friends and acquaintances. You got this! it'll happen in due time! good luck Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 If you live in So. Africa, as you say, then very few people or none on LS knows what social recreational life is like there. Don't see how the advice will be of value without knowing where people go to make friends there. It is often hard to say about US cities, let alone Africa. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 29, 2019 Share Posted August 29, 2019 It comes down to you having to put yourself out there & be social. Make small talk about the weather, etc & then just let things evolve organically from there. I'm a very social and extroverted (I have not always been this way) and it now comes very easy for me to engage people and meet potential friends and acquaintances. You got this! it'll happen in due time! good luck fake it til you make it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 fake it til you make it I can fake it till you make it but most people don’t want to put in the effort back. Sure they’ll talk to you then but after that it’s like you never existed. I’ll just take the few friends that I’ve known for a while and that’s it. I’ve already had that happen twice with a new job in two months. Friendly then forget you exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I am in my later years of my life and I just don't hang out like I did in school so the whole group thing really doesn't matter to me... I have my family when they are being nice. Family dynamics are always in constant flux depending on what's going on in who's life so even though right now I know my kids are being totally self centered... eventually they come back around. I have activities like working out and the occasional class I take provides several acquaintances to interact with... when I am working that also fills a void for sure... but at this point in my life the only close friend I really want going forward is boyfriend. I just hope he shows up in my life soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I've found you can't make friends as an adult. You can only make yourself interesting enough in some way to make people want to come to you. Don't appear needy. Ever. That will chase people away. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I think you might be right Fair... I have known several people that I have considered friends but really they are just acquaintances. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 30, 2019 Share Posted August 30, 2019 I've found you can't make friends as an adult. Don't appear needy. Ever. That will chase people away. It certainly is more difficult as an adult. It requires an amazing connection to get a friendship off the ground. 100% agree on the neediness thing. Setting expectations of what a friendship should entail is a route to failure. Flexibility is key. Link to post Share on other sites
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