Just another overlapper?

[CeceL]

Hi everyone,

 

I don't usually post on Forums but since I'm feeling a little bit lost these past days, I thought it might be useful to some extend. I'm still shaken up by my recent breakup so bear with me please. It's gonna be a bit of a long story, but I really need to let it out somehow.

 

I (27F) just got dumped (like it's not even been a week) by my boyfriend (24M) after a two years long relationship. There are so many layers to our relationship so it's kind of difficult to explain our dynamic right before the breakup, but basically since we've met we've always been together and in a really fusional relationship.

 

We met in Paris a little bit more than 2 years ago, at our workplace, we were both bartenders at the time. I've always been careful with guys, because of my own personal history and so we became friends first. I admired his spontaneity and his honesty. As we became closer, and were partying a lot together, we finally hooked up. Well he was the one starting it, since I've always been shy in a way with making the first step. Right after that, we kept seeing each others, hooking up and staying at his place or my place continuously. There were not many nights that we spend apart. Since we were both trying to be careful with our feelings (the both of us are children of divorcees) we didn't want to call it anything too serious too soon, but couldn't help feeling the connection.

 

I was meant to move to New York to finish my master degree 3 months after we started hooking up. We were talking about it, but not planning too far ahead. He applied for a working holiday visa to come to Canada and was expecting an answer soon. After a month and a half of always being together, we came to term with our feelings and declared our love for each others. Of course, we were scared but we felt like it still made sense. Eventually, he brought up the idea of following me to New York (he happens to be French-American, so no visa issue). We talked about it thoroughly, tried to explore the pros and cons and agreed that we would give it a shot, even though it might put a lot of stress onto a fresh relationship.

 

Around the same time, he also got his answer for his Canadian visa. He got it, so he told me that I could start applying for it, given the eventuality that it might be our next step after New York. So that was it, 2 months in our relationship, I left for NY. He followed me 2 months later, during our time apart we kept constant contact via Skype and tried to plan everything for the best (I went apartment hunting etc). Seeing him again at the airport on that day of October was one of the happiest day of my life.

 

We lived in NYC for a year, having our ups and downs (adjusting to the reality of being a couple and living on another continent but also in a very complicated city). Life was complicated sometimes, because NYC is so expensive and I wasn't allowed to have a paid work but also because sometimes I felt far from my friends and the city where I'd been living my whole adult life but I was still doing my best, finishing my studies with excellent grades and working for a record label as an intern. He was a great support, listened to me and he agreed to work at a cafe instead of a bar so our schedule would match better.

 

Of course, it wasn't always a honeymoon but we were talking about our issues (I can be insecure and lack self-confidence, he can be too impulsive and not expressive) and trying to make each others evolve through our connection.

 

Our time in NYC was coming to an end, and it was time to decide what the next step was. I still didn't have my Canadian visa, and for sure it was already a stress for me. We had planned a 2 months roadtrip (18000 miles around the States) with Montreal for final destination.

 

We spent 2 months of the road, arrived in Montreal in October of last year and I still didn't have a visa. Nonetheless, I found an unpaid internship through my former boss in New York for a music festival. It was a lot of work and people were abusing but I was giving everything in the hope of getting a visa through work if the lottery didn't work out. When we came back to Canada after spending Christmas in France (and meeting our respective families), it was a huge fallout, situation wise. I couldn't see myself getting a visa and I went to so many interviews, none of them worked out because of my situation. This was depressing for both of us but we didn't give up. I tried to apply for a couple visa and put together a tons of documents attesting of our relationship. This didn't work as well and it was hard being positive after the experience at the Canadian border. Still, I managed to land a freelance contract in France which kept me occupied and I also learned snowboarding with him to share his passion and because I was interested.

 

In the end, only 2months and a half ago, I finally got my visa (and even then it wasn't a piece of cake, because there were so many things to do) but we were happy and relieved. We were finally living together in our own apartment and I had the perspective of finally working in my dream field being financially stable (I never borrowed money from my BF but I was living on my savings and student loan).

 

Still, it was so recent and after being in such a situation for a long time, I wasn't adapting right away to the life in Montreal. I met a couple of cool people but before I couldn't really explore a lot, because of my financial situation. So yes, sometimes I was feeling nostalgic of my life in Paris. But I kept working towards my goal and didn't stop working from the day I got my visa.

 

I just landed a full-time job a month ago and just a little bit before my ex started working the bar again, thus having 2 jobs (cafe+bar). That changed a little bit of our lives schedule wise, and I definitely expressed the need of seeing each others more and doing more special things, and he agreed with me. Nevertheless we were still in what I thought was a loving dynamic, being intimate (we never had a bad sex life), spooning every night, saying I love you, cooking our meals and texting through the day. He was trying to not come home too late, even if sometimes he had a beer when ending his shift, and I could understand that, even if I wanted to see him more.

 

But last Tuesday, my world kind of crashed down. The morning everything was the same, telling me he loved me, kissing me. He texted me during the day, like he would usually do. He came to get me after my work, we were walking on the streets, holding each others, telling him about my day, kissing. Then suddenly, he hugged me and told me that he wanted to break up with me.

 

For me it was the ultimate shock. I couldn't believe it. At first, he told me he still loved me but we had to break up. I asked many questions and he finally told me that he wanted to see another girl. I got to know her name after a couple of minutes, it was one of his coworker that he met only 2 months ago. I was devastated, the breakup lasted for 4 hours and the emotions/reactions fluctuated. I was so angry, and still am sometimes. How could he act as if everything was normal? I thought our relationship was honest? He told me that he thought about it for a month and couldn't help it anymore. A month? For me it's nothing when you think of our whole relationship and I would have loved (even though it would have hurt) for him to share his thoughts with me, so we could try to work on it. He told me he might be making a mistake but a month was enough for him. He already talked about it with the girl and they were gonna give it a try. I was disgusted.

 

I was crashing down, crying like a fool and at some point he started crying and I ended up comforting him... I stepped down and asked him if he would consider a break, cos I couldn't imagine losing him like that. He told me that he wanted to say yes but didn't want to hurt me more later on. In retrospective, it's a good thing because now I'm pretty dead set that I don't want to be with him anymore.

 

I broke all contact with him, left the apartment the night of the breakup and never came back since. Except to start packing and gathering my stuff for my move, but I asked him not to be there. I'm trying to handle it the best I can, deleting him from social media, only communicating with him (just one message) about our joint account or stuff in common. Seeing friends and talking it out over the phone with my friends back home. I've also planned to see someone to talk it out starting next week.

 

I guess that writing my story here is also part of the process. But I still can't believe that our love story ended like that. I feel cheated and like I made a mistake somehow, because I thought we were honest with each others. I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me, talk about wedding, children, new destinations, not change anything about his behavior and still do that.

 

I want to focus on self-love and I intend to do it, but it's such a deception. I also can't believe he will never be part of my life again, even as a friend.

 

Thanks for reading

[stillafool]

(((HUGS)), how hurtful that must have been for you. He was honest with you that he had met another girl and whatever happened between them caused him to think about whether she was worth losing you to come to her and his answer was yes. I know this won't make you feel better but at least he told you he had her now rather than sneaking behind your back, cheating with her and gaslighting you until you found out on your own about her. Don't ask him for a break just let him go to her. This will be difficult to get over but with counseling and NC you can do it.

[schlumpy]

You don't need my advice. You already took the only reasonable option for yourself which is no contact and immerse yourself within friends and family.

 

I'm amazed that he could throw away a quality person such as yourself but he did do the honorable thing in telling you. He treated you as an equal partner in the relationship. I have to give him some credit for that.

 

I think this is a cautionary warning for others to not uproot their established life for a promised relationship rather then the legal protection offered by marriage.

 

As you get over this please do not respond to overtures to be friends. It will just keep you spinning your wheels.

 

If in the future you decide to let him back in your life, do it on your terms, not his, and never love him as much as he loves you.

 

Be good to yourself in the future.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

So sorry you are going through this. I have been there with the shock. It is really hard when they are not honest and then blindside us. It is about maturity. Mine was not mature enough. Your guy either. I am sure he meant all those things at the time, but dreams are what they are dreams.

 

They prove their words by actions.

Our reality is what is happening today not what happened in the past or what may happen in the future.

[SophieG]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, after everything you both went through. I think you took the right decision in blocking him from everywhere and moving on, even though it must be extremely difficult.

Have you found another apartment? Being from the suburbs close to Montreal, I know that this year, finding a rent is close to impossible.

Hope you’ll be able to get back on your feet quickly.