I tried to assist a friend with a problem, but I just made things worse

[Islander19]

I have a friend I've known for almost four years now. I'm male, and she's female. The relationship is complicated to say the least. We've almost dated on several occasions. First I rejected her, then later when I realized I did actually want to be with her she rejected me.

 

Despite all this we've managed to stay friends, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish we were more than friends.

 

Recently she came to me with a very serious problem. She's a very private person, so I think it's best if I not go into detail here. If she ever found out I posted about it here, even without mentioning her name, she'd be furious. All that's important is that she confided in me about a problem of a very personal nature.

 

She wasn't necessarily looking for help, she just needed someone to talk to. None the less, shortly after she talked to me about this I did something that I thought would help her with her problem, or at least make her feel better about things. Unfortunately, it only made her feel worse and now she's upset with me.

 

The worse part is, when I really think about it, I think I had an ulterior motive to trying to help her. While I did genuinely want to try to make things better for her, I think a big reason why I did what I did was that I hoped it would lead to a romantic relationship with her.

 

I thought if I swooped in and made everything better, and showed her how much further I was willing to go than the other men in her life, that maybe she would want to be with me romantically.

 

Instead, I just made things worse and now I feel awful that I tried to use a problem in her life as a means to potentially starting a romantic relationship with her.

 

Anyways, I really just needed to get this all off my chest. I know I really messed up and did something bad. I've already apologized and told her that I'll stay out of everything unless she actually asks for my help. I'm just going to give her some space for a while. When we eventually talk again I think I'll come clean about why I did what I did and she can decide whether or not she wants to still be friends with me.

 

This whole situation has really brought to light some issues I need to work on. I've had a very unsuccessful love life and if nothing else, hopefully this will lead to me making some changes that could fix that.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Watercolors]

I would just tell her the truth about what motivated you to help her. She's already mad at you. It may actually help her to hear the truth. When people hide their true motives from their friends, the truth eventually will come out, usually a surprise to the person who's hiding the truth, which backfires on that person in the long run.

 

It may make her more angry knowing that you only helped her because you are still attracted to her. She could view what you did as sabotage to the situation (we don't know what that is b/c you haven't given us the details). Or, she could be flattered and surprise you with the news that she too still has feelings for you.

 

You won't know until you tell her the absolute truth. Why wait to tell her the truth? She'll find out anyway. Somehow, the truth always surfaces. Wouldn't you rather control when that happens, then leave it up to chance?

[Islander19]

I would just tell her the truth about what motivated you to help her. She's already mad at you. It may actually help her to hear the truth. When people hide their true motives from their friends, the truth eventually will come out, usually a surprise to the person who's hiding the truth, which backfires on that person in the long run.

 

It may make her more angry knowing that you only helped her because you are still attracted to her. She could view what you did as sabotage to the situation (we don't know what that is b/c you haven't given us the details). Or, she could be flattered and surprise you with the news that she too still has feelings for you.

 

You won't know until you tell her the absolute truth. Why wait to tell her the truth? She'll find out anyway. Somehow, the truth always surfaces. Wouldn't you rather control when that happens, then leave it up to chance?

 

Thank you so much for the advice. I will definitely tell her my true intentions. I think she deserves to know. However, I just don't think now is the right time. She has a lot on her plate right now, and I don't want to pile any more on.

 

Sorry I can't go into more detail about the problem or what happened. I just feel like I've already violated her trust once and by talking about it here I'd be doing it again. Like you said, the truth always surfaces and if she somehow found it I talked about her issue here it would just make things worse.

[Watercolors]

No, I was talking about you telling her now how you really feel about her. But if you aren't ready to do that, then obviously wait until you're ready. Don't make excuses to avoid telling the truth. The truth always comes out. Always.

[schlumpy]

Yeah. Men are dumb when it comes to female's wanting to talk. We always hear "I need a solution to a problem" when they only mean "I need to get this out of me into a friendly non-judgmental ear.

 

So, she's venting and your mind is taking in facts, sorting through solutions, discarding the ones least likely to work and then she's finished. Your turn, as you smugly outline her problem and lay the solution out for her. No sympathy. No pat on the back. No hugs or soft baby talk.

 

There you are grinning at your success and awaiting your reward which comes when she explodes with something like, "I knew I shouldn't have talked to you. You NEVER listen to me!" Then turns around and hits the door. It happens so fast the grin may have never left your face.

 

We men are slow learners when comes to that.

 

You are stuck my friend and I'm happy to see you realize it too.

 

Wait until she cools down. Tell her that you can no longer be her friend. You have feelings for her and those feelings are keeping you from finding someone who wants to be with you. You have appreciated the time spent together but that you won't be seeing her in the future.

 

Then go dark. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Send it back to her to show your degree of commitment. Then start the slow process of gearing up to move on.

 

Six months from now you will be in a different place. Good Luck.

Edited August 11, 2019 by schlumpy

[preraph]

I don't know on what planet you thought something like this would make her suddenly be attracted to you, but that's not how it works. She either is or she isn't, and you've been friends for too long now that she probably thinks of you only as a friend or brother.