Give it time?

[Bantosm]

I had an earlier rejection this week which prompted me to make an attempt with another woman. I'm casually dating two other women but I'm still looking to meet and date additional women.

 

This particular woman I known for four years. She and I dated one summer until she went back to college. We remained friends. I've often be critical of most of the men she has dated and no surprise that most of her relationships end badly.

 

Earlier this year, she got pregnant within weeks of dating some guy. They were openly talking marriage but I knew it wouldn't last. Unlike some of her other friends who congratulated her, I said it was a mistake and offered her some advice. Then I muted any updates from her. A few months later I decided to check back on her. I found that she wasn't pregnant. She removed all photos of her previous boyfriends. She added several memes which reflected the advice I had given her.

 

I figured she changed all that as a gesture to be with me. I sent her a message to explore that possibility and found that she muted my nessages so she won't be notified if I message her. I found that to very rude. She acts like I was out to hurt her when in fact I tried to help. Should I give her time or accept that she doesn't want to communicate with me?

[Flame Aura]

Erm it's pretty clear she doesn't want anything to do with you.

[schlumpy]

It looks like a "Shoot the messenger" situation.

[Watercolors]

If she's muted your messages on Facebook, that's a bad sign. Do you have her phone number? Do you two ever talk on the phone? This is exactly why I think social media warps people's social skills. Everyone prefers to communicate online these days, not talk on the phone anymore.

 

Just call her to find out what's going on.

[Bantosm]

Erm it's pretty clear she doesn't want anything to do with you.

I disagree. If I didn't want anything to do with someone, I would definitely block them from seeing and commenting on my photos and updates. That fact that she didn't block me shows that she still has some personal investment in me.

[Bantosm]

If she's muted your messages on Facebook, that's a bad sign. Do you have her phone number? Do you two ever talk on the phone? This is exactly why I think social media warps people's social skills. Everyone prefers to communicate online these days, not talk on the phone anymore.

 

Just call her to find out what's going on.

I don't have her current phone number. I would prefer to call her or talk with her in person. Even when she and I dated, she preferred to communicate by texting. I agree muting is a bad sign and quite possibly the end of the friendship. I think she might have a difficult time accepting that I was I right or she needs time to process what I asked.

[Swingen]

In my experience I've always found that women who are interested in you make it very easy for you to contact them. Messaging on social media, texting, being in groups and places they know you will be. However, when they aren't interested a brass band and a firework display won't illicit a response.

 

If you've reached out and she's ignored you and not got back then she's not interested.

 

You're dating two either women, you wanted to add a third and she's not interested. Move on.

[d0nnivain]

You were too blunt in your assessment of her love life. You basically insulted her by telling her she always picks bad men. Then you mostly disappeared, by muting her. To her it was like a drive by insult when she was at a low point.

 

It doesn't matter that you didn't intend to hurt her. Fact is you did hurt her.

 

Now you want come back in her life like nothing happened. You really can't be surprised that she is not welcoming you with open arms. The idea that you are insulted because she muted you after you muted her shows a lack of empathy. The world doesn't revolve around you. You needed her to be out of your life for a while. Just because you want to be back in her life does not mean you are good for her at this point.

 

If you really want to fix this you are going to have to do more then call or send a lame text. Try sending her an actual card through the mail or showing up & knocking on her door to apologize for your tough love approach. Even if your heart was in the right place & you didn't want to see her involved with the wrong guys your delivery was off. She received your message as being meanspirited & insulting. You need to own that & remedy it if you hope to repair the friendship.

[Foxhall]

can be demanding enough to be dating one woman not to mind three of them.

[Bantosm]

In my experience I've always found that women who are interested in you make it very easy for you to contact them. Messaging on social media, texting, being in groups and places they know you will be. However, when they aren't interested a brass band and a firework display won't illicit a response.

 

If you've reached out and she's ignored you and not got back then she's not interested.

I would agree in most cases. In this situation, she evidently had a miscarriage, so even if her pregnancy wasn't planned, I'm sure it was a very traumatic experience. She may not want to talk with any men for awhile.

 

You were too blunt in your assessment of her love life. You basically insulted her by telling her she always picks bad men. Then you mostly disappeared, by muting her. To her it was like a drive by insult when she was at a low point.

I didn't tell her that she picked bad men. That was my perception because she is generally worse off after these relationships. I've been critical on how her boyfriends treated her. No surprise when some of those same boyfriends ended up cheating on her. Insult? I said it a was mistake being so careless to get pregnant by a man whom she had just started dating when she was supposed to be set on her internship program. I didn't disappear. I just muted her updates. I had no interest in continuing to watch her make what I considered to be a mistake. Anyhow, she would be unaware that I muted her updates.

 

can be demanding enough to be dating one woman not to mind three of them.

Demanding? Hardly, maybe one or two dates a week.

[d0nnivain]

I've been critical on how her boyfriends treated her. No surprise when some of those same boyfriends ended up cheating on her. Insult? I said it a was mistake being so careless to get pregnant by a man whom she had just started dating when she was supposed to be set on her internship program. I didn't disappear. I just muted her updates. I had no interest in continuing to watch her make what I considered to be a mistake. Anyhow, she would be unaware that I muted her updates.

 

Somehow you became aware that she muted you so you have to presume she was aware that you muted her.

 

Whatever words you use, she perceived them as an insult. But seriously if some alleged friend told me I was "careless" when I fell pregnant, I don't think I could forgive that.

 

If you want to repair this friendship, what actions are you willing to take? IMO you will need to apologize for insulting her & then you can go from there.

[Bantosm]

Somehow you became aware that she muted you so you have to presume she was aware that you muted her.

There is no indication when someone mutes updates. I do it all the time with no fallout. I was aware that she muted my notifications because it no longer shows when my message was read by her. She changed her message priority so now my sent messages to her goes to her other message folder.

Whatever words you use, she perceived them as an insult. But seriously if some alleged friend told me I was "careless" when I fell pregnant, I don't think I could forgive that.

You don't think you could forgive someone for telling the truth? If I got a woman pregnant weeks after dating her, it would most certainly be careless and I would expect my friends would be rightly critical of it. I think real friends give their concerns rather than automatically supporting poor decions for the sake of feelings. I don't see how you think she perceived my advice as an insult when she has recently added memes reflecting what I said. I'm sure she is still processing her loss, so it's likely she has no interest in talking with me or other men for awhile.

If you want to repair this friendship, what actions are you willing to take? IMO you will need to apologize for insulting her & then you can go from there.

I would have issue no apologizing. Unfortunately, I have no proper way to do so. I don't know if or when she would read if I sent a new message. I could leave an apology as comment but that would likely make things worse.

[elaine567]

Real friends know when to shut up and not make insensitive comments...

 

She can beat herself up over her own "carelessness", she doesn't need so called "friends" kicking her when she is down.

[The Outlaw]

It's a waiting game, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Your advice may have been well meaning but unwelcome to her.

[Bantosm]

Real friends know when to shut up and not make insensitive comments...

 

She can beat herself up over her own "carelessness", she doesn't need so called "friends" kicking her when she is down.

You're really going to equate honesty for being insensitive or kicking someone when they're down? She worked so hard to get into that internship. What would you have done- told her it's ok when she had to drop out because she got pregnant after seeing a man for a couple weeks?

It's a waiting game, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Your advice may have been well meaning but unwelcome to her.

Whether or not my advice to was welcomed by her is insignificant. What matters is that she seems to have accepted my advice as echoed by the updates on her page.

[anika99]

So you find it very rude that she muted your messages but you muted hers first. Hypocritical much?

 

If she was pregnant and then when you looked her up a couple of months later she was no longer pregnant that means she went through something emotionally painful. Either a miscarriage or a termination. She might have needed time to grieve and self reflect and that's probably why the overall vibe of her social media changed. It's amazing to me that you jumped to the conclusion that she changed her social media as a way to signal that she wants to have a romantic relationship with you. It's as if you don't consider her a person with her own mind, a person who is going through some stuff and going through some changes that have nothing to do with anyone else. You seriously thought her social media is all about you?

 

It's fine to be honest with our friends and to give caring advice when they ask for it but it should come from a place of compassion and genuine concern. It shouldn't be done in a angry or judgemental way. After you told her what you thought you immediately stopped talking to her. That sounds kind of callous to me.

[Bantosm]

So you find it very rude that she muted your messages but you muted hers first. Hypocritical much?

Not even close. I muted her updates not her messages. She wouldn't even have known. I could still see her updates if I visted her page.

If she was pregnant and then when you looked her up a couple of months later she was no longer pregnant that means she went through something emotionally painful. Either a miscarriage or a termination. She might have needed time to grieve and self reflect and that's probably why the overall vibe of her social media changed.

Why are you simply repeating what I already said that she would need time after traumatic experience of a miscarriage?

It's amazing to me that you jumped to the conclusion that she changed her social media as a way to signal that she wants to have a romantic relationship with you. It's as if you don't consider her a person with her own mind, a person who is going through some stuff and going through some changes that have nothing to do with anyone else. You seriously thought her social media is all about you?

Context is everything. I helped her prepare for her internship and she I became close. I held back because I didn't want to cause any issues. She was stressed out and got pregnant with her new boyfriend. She told me how everything had changed between her and I because of her baby and boyfriend who she was planning on marrying. As it is, everything has changed back. Furthermore, she has repeated the basics of my advice while removing the photos of the men I had been critical about. If she wanted to show me she's trying to change, that was a big step. I figure if she actually wants to be with me, she'll have a difficult time, taking action on it.

It's fine to be honest with our friends and to give caring advice when they ask for it but it should come from a place of compassion and genuine concern. It shouldn't be done in a angry or judgemental way. After you told her what you thought you immediately stopped talking to her. That sounds kind of callous to me.

My advice did come from compassion. I generalized here but I felt she had been careless. No one can disagree. I thought she was making a mistake getting married. Maybe if would've been supportive she would've married him. She could've contacted me anytime. I felt she needed to focus on her pregnancy and relationship so I let her be. Callous no way, that is being respectful to her choice.

Anyhow the guy is gone so it looks like I was right.