Nothing Works

[Luke12345]

Hi everyone, cue the back story...

 

Im a male 28 year old, my ex is a female 23, we broke up a month and a half ago after being together for 5 and a half years, her decision, not mine.

 

People used to describe us at that cute couple or sometimes even that perfect couple, she was literally my best friend as well as my girlfriend. I mean it didn't matter what we did we always managed to have a laugh. We had sex regularly, we'd go out together regularly, I'd say honestly I fell short towards the end a little and we didn't go out as much or have a holiday in a while but we still had sex, the attraction was still there.

 

Her ultimate reason for the break up, we drifted apart and became different people and she wasn't feeling it anymore. I've been through the motions and I've also tried to get her back but with no luck so in my mind Im certain our relationship is over and there's no going back. I've accepted that.

 

The problem I have is this though...

 

Since the break up I've focused on #1 and we didn't talk for the first month. I've hit the gym, I joined a football team, I'm kickboxing, I'm dancing, I'm going out with friends, I have so much support around me (sorry for anyone who doesn't here), I got a new job and they're all really nice people, I'm talking to plenty of girls who have said they like me. I literally have everything I should need, but by no means am I anywhere near to being happy.

 

Im chucking everything I can into this gaping void inside me and its doing nothing. My mind is still constantly on her, she's in my dreams, the moment I wake up, her, when I to to bed, her. She was so amazing and I feel so gutted to have lost her through my own mistakes of being a bit lazy and not doing as much towards the end (I could be wrong but I feel that played a big part).

 

A mistake I've probably made is agreed to become friends after we met up a month after the break up. We ended up kissing and cuddling but then she said we need boundaries and that we can only be friends, I guess I did it for 2 reasons. She wasnt just my girlfriend but my best friend and I wanted to cling to something of that, the other, we have mixed friends and will also be going to the same wedding soon as ring bearer and bridesmaid. We talk, but nowhere near much, she takes forever to reply, the messages aren't substantial so I just have stopped bothering the last week, it hurt too much how it just isnt the same and its clear she's moving on.

 

When I am doing so much, how do I get out of this rut? My feelings are still there so strongly I can't just drop them but I have no choice so how do I escape my mind from this torture? I've even arranged to meet up with a beautiful girl this Saturday for a date and she's made it clear she wants sex thinking that'll help get over it, maybe it will and I should be loving that, but I'm not even too sure I want to because it's not the one I want to be on a date with. What can I do here???

[mark clemson]

When I am doing so much, how do I get out of this rut? My feelings are still there so strongly I can't just drop them but I have no choice so how do I escape my mind from this torture?

 

Sympathies + remember every one of us who's emotionally normal has been there. It's either regular breakup blues or limerence. Either way, you'll need to wait it out. Our limbic system has it's own schedule and rarely do people get over breakups on the tight timelines their logical brain would prefer.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and realize that the light IS at the end of the tunnel. It just takes a lot longer to get there than we'd like.

 

Staying in contact usually just prolongs the pain, so you're probably best off going strict NC as soon as feasible - after this wedding. Consider not going if its not that important to you and going e.g. on a mini vacation instead.

 

No reason to stop seeing other women, etc, just keep it casual until you're really ready. Don't mention her/your feelings, but don't lie and say you're into committing right now either.

 

Once you get to TRUE indifference (in, say, 3 years+) she will be safe to contact again. You'll know because at that point it will be "looking up an old GF" not "trying to stay in touch/rekindle things again". If you're honest with yourself you'll know the difference...

[d0nnivain]

You have been broken up for 1 month after a 5 year relationship. That was a HUGE change in your life. Other than chasing after her & trying to be friends, you are doing a lot of the right things. This is just going to take time. . . like a year. You are not going to feel better overnight. Stop trying for the quick fix.

 

You need some time to grieve for the loss of the relationship & then some time to figure out who you are as an independent person.

 

Hang in there.

 

Do consider unfollowing / unfriending her on social media. It's too hard to see that & not miss her. Don't torture yourself.

[Foxhall]

thats life buddy I am afraid and its always a risk when your with someone a few years younger,not that I am suggesting you date someone older!

 

nothing stays the same, we must embrace the changes and live in the present,

 

you've a pretty good option coming up Saturday, Id show more enthusiasm for that and party on.

[Luke12345]

Thanks for your responses guys, unfortunately I can't miss the wedding though I'm the ring bearer and it's my best mate, its not a good enough reason to miss. Its 4 months away now, I just hope she doesn't arrive with another guy if you feel it's going to take me a year for me to get over things.

 

Does it really take that long though? That seems incredibly long! I really would not like to still be feeling like this a year down the line, then again, I thought she was my soul mate so...

 

This royally sucks missing her so damn much but perhaps you're right I'm going for the quick fix too early maybe? I've feel I've completely lost my identity and im trying to figure out who I am again, because she was my world and now she's not it's so confusing and I'm so lost, I literally feel a part of me went with her.

 

I'm not the type of person to remove her on fb, I feel it's a bit petty, I can just not look at her or anything to do with her. I have her whole family who still comment on my things because they're lovely, I'd have to remove them all and I think it would seem immature. I think from your advice I will however consider doing that after the wedding, if I still feel the same by then, and if that night doesn't go well.

 

The time thing though, really, a year?!

[d0nnivain]

It actually takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to be fully over it. Sorry. That doesn't mean you will feel THIS bad the entire time. You will gradually get better so you will a little better on 4 months.

 

Does ring bearer have a different significance where you are from? Here it's usually a job for a little kid.

 

Do talk to the happy couple about your EX's RSVP. If's she bringing a plus one, you better scare one up. Also don't drink to much. You don't want to cause a scene.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

The more contact, the longer it will take to get over it.

Contact includes her family as you also have an emotional attachment to them.

 

The more you cut them out completely the sooner you will heal.

 

You can always add them back later, it does not need to be forever, but at this stage, it is a mistake to not go complete NC.

 

That has been my experience. The torment comes with each contact large or small.

[Luke12345]

OK I understand,tuank you.

 

Haha yes it's usually the job of a little kid, there are no little kids there, no little brothers or sons or anything and too many groomsmen, plus I wanted to be different so I said I'd do it (plus I want to scare them a little and pretend I lost it before I hand it over).

 

Technically the RSVP was to me and her 'the other happy couple' but good idea, I may have to ask about that closer to the time. I feel its fair to know that before going in, especially if she is then I need to stabilise and prepare myself for that.

 

Do you have any advice on how to stop thinking about her too? It's almost constant, like I said she's in my dreams too I can't escape it and that at this moment in time is perhaps the worse most torturous thing.

[d0nnivain]

Do you have any advice on how to stop thinking about her too?

 

You can't stop the thoughts from happening. What you do is acknowledge you are having them. Take a few deep breaths & then make a conscious effort to think about something else. Go for a walk / run. Redirect your attention to a project. Just keep busy. Post here. Call a friend.

 

Hang in there.

[Luke12345]

OK thanks donnivain I'll try that ?

[Luke12345]

I feel like people are going to think I'm constantly hyperventilating because I'm going to have to take a few deep breaths a lot lol

[d0nnivain]

I feel like people are going to think I'm constantly hyperventilating because I'm going to have to take a few deep breaths a lot lol

 

 

No hyperventilating is when you take successive quick breaths . . . . huff, huff, huff, like you are short of breath.

 

The calming breaths are in through your nose fully inflating your lungs, puffing out your chest and exhaling slowly. They will know you are trying to hang on to your patience.

 

You will be OK. It does get easier.

[Marc878]

Like everyone says strict no contact and block everything. If you view her social media that's contact. Time will fix the rest.

 

Trying to stay friends will only keep you in this and take up your headspace and just prolong your attachment.

 

Take a girl to the wedding even if it's just as friends. It'll give you someone to hang with, dance, etc.

 

You'll be fine. Long term

[spiritedaway2003]

You can always add them back later, it does not need to be forever, but at this stage, it is a mistake to not go complete NC.

 

That has been my experience. The torment comes with each contact large or small.

 

The torment also comes even WITH NC. (My brain is also pretty messed up right now - my heart and my brain aren't aligning, but at least I'm still capable of making a lame joke.

[spiritedaway2003]

I feel like people are going to think I'm constantly hyperventilating because I'm going to have to take a few deep breaths a lot lol

 

Hyperventilating and panic attacks are no fun. Taking deep breaths and focusing on the present (mindfulness) are helpful techniques...to get through the hump. I've learned that fairly recently.

 

And at some point, getting off this board and getting out there helps from over-thinking, too.

[Optimystic]

It actually takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to be fully over it.

 

This is an arbitrary amount of time and doesn't apply to everyone. It can happen sooner, it can happen later.. sometimes much later. Things just need to take their natural course. But doing things to keep the process moving is key- not backtracking and not ruminating on the past. It can be hard, though.

 

But you have to stay strong and do what you can to move forward. Try to get out of contact ASAP for as long as possible.. and make sure you pack up anything that reminds you of her.

Edited August 16, 2019 by Optimystic

[Luke12345]

Hey guys I'm back with some news...

 

So my ex text me last night, she was on her way to a place we had a personal joke about and it went a little something like this...

 

Her: Guess where I actually am (insert picture) (insert personal joke).

Me: lol no way! What are you doing there?

Her: yeah literally. Saw it and thought of you, I'm just visiting (old work colleague) in Scotland atm, you doing okay? X

 

I didn't reply after that.

 

It hurt me before how we went from messaging each other all the time to her taking hours to reply so I don't want to get back into that, waitijg by the phone. Also I don't want it to lead to me getting hurt again but it's messed my head up a bit and I wonder what you all think this means?

 

It's made me think, perhaps overthink, and she's been out of my dreams for about a month now as I was moving forwards then all of a sudden she appeared in my dream again last night.

 

What do you think she's trying to achieve texting me now? Read the back story at the beginning if you haven't already and you'll find out she dumped me. Is this just general chat or is she having some regrets, or something else???

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Your approach to this situation is backwards. You spend all this time and energy trying to figure out what she wants? Why do that to yourself? It is an endless loop as you cannot read her mind.

This is the dumpee’s curse. We have all been there but only YOU can get yourself out.

 

You should be asking yourself what do you want? And doing the hard work it takes to figure it out.

 

If you want to reconcile, then ask her. If her answer is no, then you have your answer. Be prepared to move on.

If the answer is maybe then again you should decide if that is an acceptable answer for YOU.

[Matt77]

Dude, this is what chicks do to guys they've dumped. For either on a concious or subconscious level they reach back out with casual conversations or moments of nostalgia.

 

Like I said in a more scientific way before, she may or may not know she is keeping you in play with random or that once a week or once a month text to keep you in what's called: beta male orbiter status, friend or not. This is just something women and yes men, but more often women do to keep guys in their back pockets.

 

You do realize that with the way you text back or respond to her, she knows that she could have you back with one phone call. Maybe I'm wrong about you, but with everything you've said that we all here at LS have to go off of, this seems entirely true. She could snap her fingers like Thanos and it would be you and her again.

 

You were not married, you have no children, you can always make new friends. You have to go complete no contact. Block her and her family's numbers and social media. This will make her realize that you are not at her disposal as her emotional tampon. But far more importantly, it's for you to move on completely.

[sorano]

I rarely come on here. I just happened to stumble across the site again. I can tell you with great confidence, it will get better. People may not believe it, and I was one of them, but, it will always get better. Nothing bad lasts forever. All the activities you are doing will help but, it will not make the pain go away right away. Its good to keep busy, revamp yourself. But you will still hurt. You can only do so much. I know some people went to therapy. They were very broken down. For me, I just let my body and mind do the work even when I was revamping myself. Time. But I know for a fact the pain will go away. You will always have memories of your ex. They just won't sting that much. They won't hurt. You will be able to drive or go to places that you are avoiding now bc you were there with your ex. The pain will go away.

[Stevnx3]

Your approach to this situation is backwards. You spend all this time and energy trying to figure out what she wants? Why do that to yourself? It is an endless loop as you cannot read her mind.

This is the dumpee’s curse. We have all been there but only YOU can get yourself out.

 

You should be asking yourself what do you want? And doing the hard work it takes to figure it out.

 

If you want to reconcile, then ask her. If her answer is no, then you have your answer. Be prepared to move on.

If the answer is maybe then again you should decide if that is an acceptable answer for YOU.

 

This! ^ Luke, in the end. You must think of your own happiness. Ask yourself...Does staying in contact with her bring you happiness or keep you stuck in an infinite loop of false hope, that will only end up furthering your torment? It is beyond anyone to truly tell you what she is doing by messaging you. But it could be a whole sea of different things: Maybe she wants to be your friend? Maybe she wants to keep you around to soften her fall if should other pursuits not work out? You are after all, a sure bet! As you clearly love her. It is hurtful and very tragic that she has decided to move away from being with you.

 

But if she truly wanted to be done, she shouldn't keep on as it only keeps you locked in. LOVE yourself. Love Luke and the idea of being with just Luke (yourself) and you will be happy in any situation. Eventually you will find someone else. Who knows? A stronger and better love.

[anika99]

Thanks for your responses guys, unfortunately I can't miss the wedding though I'm the ring bearer and it's my best mate, its not a good enough reason to miss. (

 

Just reminded me of a funny little story I recently read. Young bride asked her cute 5yr old nephew to be the ring bearer in her upcoming wedding. He was very excited to have been given this important role. On the day of the wedding as the little boy was starting his walk down the isle he suddenly raised his hands, one on each side of his head and curled his fingers forward like claws. Instead of walking normally he was stomping and growling. He stomped down the isle with his hands up, growling and saying 'grrrrr…grrrrr….I'm the ring bear'

LOL, sorry I know silly stories don't help your situation but figured you could use a smile. (plus it would be pretty funny if you walked down the isle like a ring bear)

 

It's not strange that your ex contacted you to share a memory. As the dumper she is not in pain and distress over the break up like you are. It's easy for her to still be friends with you because she no longer wants a romantic relationship with you. She acting in her own self interest. She gets her freedom and she gets to keep her loyal friend. Why would she give that up if she doesn't have to?

[an0nym0us123]

Shes keeping you in orbit like others have said. Ignore her, that might actually get her attention. My ex did this to me.

 

It was 4 months in before things turned the corner. At 6 months the pain in the gut feeling dissipated. But even a year later she was on my mind quite a lot, even occasionally id feel rubbish about it all.

 

Then...

 

I went on a date with a woman who put butterflies in my stomach. The first to do this in a year, the memory of my ex was erased in minutes, not days, weeks and months! Minutes!

 

Sadly i only saw this woman a few times, but you will meet someone else who will do this, and your ex will be forgotten at remarkable speed!

 

Good luck

[Luke12345]

Hi guys me again,

 

So another month had passed (it's 3 months now) and I decided to take someone's advice from here and simply figured out what I wanted, I went for it and asked us to try and reconcile and try have a date to see how it goes, she wasn't on board but I think I needed to do that and it's made things a lot clearer now.

 

I post this today because today I threw all of our relationship stuff out and it felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders in terms of being able to move on. That's one less reminder of the past at least.

 

I still think about her but not as much anymore, I'm working on myself still and finally starting to see results which feels really good. I feel like this is the start to a better part of my journey.

 

I just want to thank everyone for your advice which enabled me to take the 'no nonsense' view, remembering to love myself again and that I'm worth better than to be someone waiting for someone else who doesn't love me back, figuring out what I want and putting that into practice.

 

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you posted of my journey

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I’m so glad you have taken that first step in walking away.

Congrats on turning a corner to your healing. It sucks, it really does. But onward and upward.

 

I am at 3 months almost 4 and have been working on myself a lot.

It still surprises me how much baggage I acquired from the relationship that I am now shedding.

These things are subtle but when gone, you realize that they were covering over the real you. It is hard to explain so I hope I am making sense.