MM is moving abroad

[beach2019]

I am writing this message since I have nobody to talk to and I need to vent. I am in my mid-30s and have been together with my partner for 10 years. My partner is a loving, supportive man. We don’t have any children yet. Seven months ago, I met a married man during a training, the father of 5 children, 10 years my senior. We immediately connected, felt a lot of chemistry, exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet after he came back from a family trip. Back then, I thought he was an interesting person, but I didn’t consider “crossing the line” for him (never thought I could). Few days after our first encounter, he started to text me and said that he felt something very special about me. Long story short, we met for coffee, started meeting more often, and we have ended up having a passionate full affair/side-relationship for the last 6 months. The worst part: we have fallen for each other. At the same time, we don’t want to end the relationship with our partners, since we both love them and know we would hurt them. I know this is selfish; but I am trying to vent since things have become difficult during the last weeks.

 

I feel my life is more complete since he is part of it, both the physical and emotional part of our relationship are something incomparable to anything I had before. I have been having a hard time during last years, feeling lonely at many different levels. I am professionally successful, have loving friends and family; but I have been missing something for long time. As I said, my husband is a wonderful man but I feel he doesn’t understand me. We have discussed this many times, and he claims that he cannot deliver to me what I want, and I shouldn’t expect him to be everything to me. We have an agreement that if something like this affair happened, the condition would be to keep it secret from everybody (including himself); and bring the secret to the grave. Well, that is what I am doing.

 

The problem comes with the strong feelings I have developed for this other man. When we first met he mentioned he would move abroad (to the other side of the world) due to his wife’s work. That used to be a relief for me, knowing that our relationship had an “expiration date” and I could keep things under control. However, his plans of moving are approaching (he will be gone in few months) and I am absolutely heart broken, finding it difficult to imagine my life without him. He says he wants to stay in touch, and plans to come to the city we live in regularly, and keep the relationship alive despite the distance. That gives me comfort, but at the same time it is painful to see him go. I understand he has responsibilities and commitments… I do too. We keep emphasizing that none of us wants to leave our “official” lives; but I am starting to think that, if it is so special… why don’t we both make it happen? At times, I fantasize with this thought (being aware of his enormous backpack); and a big part of me would like pursuing that. At first, I thought he was a womanizer, playing me, but he has proven he has true feelings for me, particularly when things have become ugly at times, he has been there. However, he has a busy family rhythm and he cannot be available for me as much as I would like him to. I am currently saddened by his upcoming departure, but he cannot respond to my messages or provide me the comfort I need when I need it. A couple of days ago, I was texting him, I did not listen to his requests of stopping texting at that moment, and he blocked me temporarily so his wife wouldn’t see my messages. I had so much sorrow in me that I didn't listen to him. This is a proof that I am starting to lose control. I am becoming obsessed with the situation; and I am having a lot of difficulty living my “normal” life, thinking that he won’t be around feels as if the light is about to turn off and everything will become dark. I am physically feeling the sadness; as if I had a hole in my stomach. I am aware that my happiness cannot depend on somebody else, but I find it extremely hard to neglect this feeling. It is the first time in my life this is happening to me. I never felt this with my husband since he is a very calm and rational person, and my marriage is a very balanced relationship that doesn't feel like a roller-coaster. My husband and I are very good partners of life, supportive of each other and understanding, but our relationship is focused on stability. As a result of my affair, I now feel that I have been missing something else for long time.

 

 

I am extremely conflicted at the moment. I love my husband, but have fallen in love with another man who loves me (I believe him) but won’t leave his family life for me (something I wouldn’t want him to do; although I admit I feel jealous of the parallel life (and he has admitted the same thing about me)). Regarding regret and guilt, I used to feel it at the beginning. However, my feelings have grown so much and this relationship feels so meaningful that I have learned how to live with it. I know that life is giving me what I deserve. But it feels extremely painful and bitter. He has advised me to find a place for my feelings, cherish the beautiful moments and cope with the situation that way, but it is not working.

 

I know what I am doing is wrong. I am sharing my story to vent, and get other perspectives on it. He is the only person with whom I can talk about this which makes me feel even more lonely. Thanks for listening!

[Beendaredonedat]

The "strong feelings" you have for this man is called lust and infatuation and if you ever got with him past the sneaking around to have sex, you would soon enough be feeling that 'less completeness' in your life with him as well once life in general got in the way of your perpetual honeymoon period.

 

You will stop being "conflicted" once you rehab from your drug of choice called "cheating partner" through zero contact withdrawl. He's just an addiction that, like any other drug, you will overcome by keeping it out of your system and doing the steps with a therapist you need to take to get your self esteem up to par to the point that you'll never have to rely on the attentions of another man to make you feel fulfilled.

 

I wish you luck in your rehab.

Edited August 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[mark clemson]

We have an agreement that if something like this affair happened, the condition would be to keep it secret from everybody (including himself); and bring the secret to the grave. Well, that is what I am doing.

 

 

This may be easier said than done. Particularly if his wife ever happens to find out about it. And what sounds good in theory - ie, that your H look the other way may not translate well at all into reality if the affair ever comes to light. I'm not judging your "arrangement" with your husband, but I suggest you be very cautious.

 

 

He says he wants to stay in touch, and plans to come to the city we live in regularly, and keep the relationship alive despite the distance. That gives me comfort, but at the same time it is painful to see him go. I understand he has responsibilities and commitments… I do too. We keep emphasizing that none of us wants to leave our “official” lives; but I am starting to think that, if it is so special… why don’t we both make it happen? At times, I fantasize with this thought (being aware of his enormous backpack); and a big part of me would like pursuing that.

 

 

I wouldn't count on him visiting - might happen, might not. And yes, this psychological escalation doesn't look good.

 

 

A couple of days ago, I was texting him, I did not listen to his requests of stopping texting at that moment, and he blocked me temporarily so his wife wouldn’t see my messages. I had so much sorrow in me that I didn't listen to him. This is a proof that I am starting to lose control. I am becoming obsessed with the situation; and I am having a lot of difficulty living my “normal” life, thinking that he won’t be around feels as if the light is about to turn off and everything will become dark. I am physically feeling the sadness; as if I had a hole in my stomach. I am aware that my happiness cannot depend on somebody else, but I find it extremely hard to neglect this feeling. It is the first time in my life this is happening to me.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

 

You're welcome. I agree this appears to have become something of an addiction for you and you would be wise to seek therapy/IC before it either escalates out of control or simply makes you very very unhappy. If it becomes limerence (obsessive thoughts, intense longings) it is unfortunately involuntary and you will have to wait it out while your brain adjusts (months to a few years in some cases).

 

I don't see any satisfaction for you at the end of this, esp. with him in another country. He may or may not visit occasionally for time together and intimacy. That's all you're likely to get.

[Turning point]

That's a very long story. Let me see if I can shorten into something that makes it far less over-dramatized:

 

In a nutshell, you were missing something and you took that to be a sign of loneliness. (In reality, it was a lack of adventure but, I digress.)

 

Enter married man and your life is perfect. (You established an ongoing drama = adventure.)

 

Now your lonely AND desperate; have difficulty caring on with your normal life, obsessing about a relationship you never really had.

 

Is that a reasonable summary?

 

Your MM is not real - he's a rehearsed character in a play (drama.) You've never experience him anywhere other than under flattering stage lights, lights that you shine on him! He's leaving the country because he has another show to catch.

 

Your husband is your true love - and it shows up every time the MM gets close to you. When he's available you say you'd never leave your marriage and when he pulls away you claim you'd drop everything just to have him.

 

It's not very convincing theater, more like a puppet show. Is this the adventure you were looking for?

 

You started on an adventure when you married your husband.. and at some point you left it to gather dust. Go back and find that one.

[DKT3]

First thing that caught my attention was your husband's comments concerning affairs. That comment is one made by someone who has themselves crossed the line or strongly considering it. If I were you, I would assume that your husband is also having an affair.

 

With that being said, let's forget about the morality of affairs and keep it on base level. What do you want? How is you current situation in relation to that? Status quo is not sustainable, so figure out what you want your life to look like in two, five, ten years from now and get rid of everything standing in the way of that vision.

 

Lastly, not telling your husband doesn't mean he wont find out.

[DKT3]

Turning point has some valid points. This thing you've never felt is the taboo element of the relationship being an affair. This special bond or feelings of being connected beyond anything you've experienced is also because it's an affair. The strongest draw of affairs is the ability for two people to do two things 1) create a fantasy escape from mundane everyday life 2) be outside of your baseline personality. This creates a safe place to go farther then you ever had. Knowing that you haven't entered into this as a means to a longtime life partner you are more free and able to let go.

 

It's not real, were something to shift and this relationship to turn legitimate all of a sudden those walls boundaries and limits would come into play.

[BaileyB]

I feel my life is more complete since he is part of it.

 

Sure, because you are distracted from your day to day life with the obsession you have developed for this man and you have all these feel-good hormones floating through your body...

 

My friend, if something has/is missing in your life it will not be found worth your husband or this MM. what is missing can only be found by you - you will learn this lesson eventually...

 

I love my husband

No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be dishonouring him by sleeping with another man and lying to him about it.

 

but have fallen in love with another man who loves me (I believe him).

Said you, and every other woman who has shared their heartache on this board. You would be very unwise to believe him... and your first clue is, he is choosing to move to the other side with his family for his wife’s job. He is leaving you.

 

Regarding regret and guilt, I used to feel it at the beginning. However, my feelings have grown so much and this relationship feels so meaningful that I have learned how to live with it.

 

Oh boy, do you have it bad for this man... you have no empathy for his family and no guilt or regret for the fact that you are engaging in activity that could break up their family and change their lives forever. You got real problems, girl...

 

I know that life is giving me what I deserve.

I’m sure you are a nice person who has wandered off the path and gotten yourself a little lost... but seriously, if life was giving you what you deserve your husband would discover your affair and you would then have to deal with the consequences of your decisions.

 

My friend, hard as it is, this is your opportunity to end this relationship. I hope you realize that and do the right thing - leave his family be, end this relationship, and get yourself into counselling so that you can begin to explore how you lost your way so badly...

[BaileyB]

First thing that caught my attention was your husband's comments concerning affairs. That comment is one made by someone who has themselves crossed the line or strongly considering it. If I were you, I would assume that your husband is also having an affair.

 

I tend to agree. “If ever you have sex with another man, don’t tell me about it.. I don’t want to know....” said no husband, ever. Either you are hearing what you want to hear or this truly is a marriage of convenience and he has his own “secrets” that he is planning to take to the grave too...

Edited August 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[LivingWaterPlease]

I never felt this with my husband since he is a very calm and rational person, and my marriage is a very balanced relationship that doesn't feel like a roller-coaster. My husband and I are very good partners of life, supportive of each other and understanding, but our relationship is focused on stability. As a result of my affair, I now feel that I have been missing something else for long time.

 

Let's see,

 

1. Your husband is calm and rational.

 

2. You have a very balanced relationship that doesn't feel like a roller-coaster.

 

3. Your husband is supportive of you (as you are of him).

 

4. You love your husband

 

5. Your relationship is focused on stability.

 

Yet you're missing something.

 

Voila! I think you've found what you're missing! Since your affair partner is:

 

1. Irrational (what's rational about an affair with someone else's husband?)

 

2. Unbalanced (You've become interested in making it a legit relationship, he hasn't).

 

3. Unsupportive (he isn't there for you sometimes when you need him, he blocked you when you were processing the fact he's moving).

 

4. He doesn't truly love you (he puts his needs before yours)

 

5 . Unstable (you don't know what will transpire once he moved)

 

It does, indeed seem to me you've found things with this man you've been missing in your relationship with your husband!

[Amethyst68]

Seven months ago, I met a married man during a training, the father of 5 children, 10 years my senior....

 

When we first met he mentioned he would move abroad (to the other side of the world) due to his wife’s work....He says he wants to stay in touch, and plans to come to the city we live in regularly, and keep the relationship alive despite the distance.... We keep emphasizing that none of us wants to leave our “official” lives; but I am starting to think that, if it is so special… why don’t we both make it happen? At times, I fantasize with this thought (being aware of his enormous backpack); and a big part of me would like pursuing that....

 

A couple of days ago, I was texting him, I did not listen to his requests of stopping texting at that moment, and he blocked me temporarily so his wife wouldn’t see my messages

 

Not to be harsh but the fact he blocked your messages should let you know exactly where you stand. I would question why you kept texting, I suspect a large part of it was you wanting his wife to question all the texts, to maybe force a DDay before he leaves the country. You may have an arrangement with your husband but I doubt he has a similar one with his wife. BTW I wouldn't count on your agreement with your husband lasting if he finds out you actually had an affair.

 

IMO this MM was having a last fling before leaving with his family for their new home, he'll probably start hunting for new OW once he's their a couple of weeks.

Edited August 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

My friend, hard as it is, this is your opportunity to end this relationship. I hope you realize that and do the right thing - leave his family be, end this relationship, and get yourself into counselling so that you can begin to explore how you lost your way so badly...

 

 

Great advice - ditto that. There's a significant chance this will happen soon anyhow due to the move and dwindling "returns" on your mutual investment. You might as well buck up and start facing reality again.

 

The VAST majority of affairs end and those who get emotionally attached have to walk through the breakup pain. There's no shortcut for that and it's essentially inevitable. It's NOT an easy tunnel to be in, as many threads here will attest, but the sooner you comes to grips with this and face it the sooner you will be on the other side of it.

[S2B]

Well that’s good news!

 

Nowyou can be free of his lies! IF he really loved you he wouldn’t leave. MM lie!

 

And tell your husband. He deserves to be with someone who loves and honors him.

[oldlion]

I am a lot older than you and have seen and experienced much more that you have. So, I want to impart to you some things that I think you are missing in your love haze.

(1) A married man with 5 children and a good life is not going to ever give it up to be with a woman 10 years his junior. It would never work even if he did.

(2) A few days after you met and he called you to tell you that he felt something special with you, he was on a fishing expedition and you took the hook.

(3) As long as he can keep you convinced he loves you the longer you will continue to be intimate with him.

(4) He is very fearful his wife will find out and his good life will take a major hit.

(5) He is already expounding on ways to cope with what you are living with.

(6) You already have a very good life but you don't appreciate what you have. You are busy wondering what you are missing.

(7) I also agree with another poster. If your husband told you to keep it a secret and not tell him if you had an affair, it probably means he has a secret he doesn't want to tell you. And you are so occupied with your secret that you haven't even noticed him.

(8) If the secret does come out it's going to destroy a lot of people.

(9) Life is determined by the decisions we make ourselves. Where do you see you decisions leading your life?

I do wish you well.

[BaileyB]

(1) A married man with 5 children and a good life is not going to ever give it up to be with a woman 10 years his junior. It would never work even if he did.

 

Can you imagine the child support payments he would be required to make if this marriage ever did end, for whatever reason. It would clearly not be in his financial best interest to leave the marriage, never mind the fact this his wife would be living across the world and he would never see his kids if he didn’t also move. Not going to happen.

 

When you got involved, he must have thought this affair would be a good idea because it had an expiration date. And, you were a married woman so you were unlikely to do anything so foolish as to start to plan a future with him...

 

How are you doing OP? I’m sorry, it’s hard when nobody replies to say “Good plan! You can make this work, how wonderful that you have met the love of your life...” But as you said, this relationship clearly has an expiration date. You had best accept that and prepare yourself.

Edited August 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

op,

sometimes feelings can override good sense, and it sounds like that's what happened with you. I highly doubt you are MM's only extra curricular activity, and it is very likley he has other "girlfriends" besides you

 

 

The daydreams about what life could be like with him are, just that, daydreams. Ask yourself this. What would happen if his wife found out he was cheating? Do you think he'd take that opportunity to be with you, or do you think he would drop you like a hot potato and and be doing everything he could to keep his marriage intact?

 

I don't see a lot of "love" in your description of your affair. What is do see is desperation and a whole lot of justification. What it's done is shown you the pieces of your marriage that you now feel are missing. You have, in essence, opened Pandora's box. You can choose to keep chasing after daydreams or you can choose to work on your marriage to try and find ways to bring in the elements you feel it lacks but you have found in your affair. What you shouldn't do is drag everyone else along for the ride while you try and sort all this out. If you are struggling, get some therapy or counseling.

[beach2019]

@all, thank you very much for your help. I appreciate a lot that you have taken the time to read my (long) story and give your opinion about it. It wasn't easy for me to share it. I posted it because I am feeling extremely lost, and I cannot share it with anybody else. I feel relieved in a way that I put it "out there" to see what you think about it.

 

 

 

Your words and honest opinions help me to put things in perspective. These are words that my friends and family would probably use as well. I need some time to process them and find ways to deal with my feelings. I am aware of the fantasies, mistakes and things I need to work on. Sharing them here has helped me to be a bit less desperate. I am very grateful to all of you.

[BaileyB]

Take care of yourself... The single best thing you could do for yourself right now is to find a really good counsellor.

 

Best wishes to you beach.