So my ex and I broke up long time ago...**Updated**

[JaRule]

Dear all,

 

Just here for some enlightenment or listening ear maybe.

 

I was left completely confused and am just here to let it all out.

 

So my ex and I broke up long time ago. We went NC for a year. I suddenly started hearing from him again at the beginning of this year. I never responded to any. Then he started calling me and asking me for a few minutes to talk on the phone. I told him no and asked him to block and delete me off. His exact words were, "I can't okay ... think what you want ... I can't!"

 

So i decided to give him a call ... we spoke and decided to meet up. We met and things were back to old times like there was never a second of awkward moment. And of course we got intimate (Regret it!). But the feeling was intense. I felt it from him too.

 

So we were texting as per normal and a few days later he asked to meet him around 8pm. I told him i cant as i need to be home by 10. He insisted and told me he just needs awhile. When i got into his car, he leaned over affectionately asking me for a kiss and we kissed. He started driving around just talking random stuff. He stopped the car for abit and tried to get intimate but i wasnt comfortable so we stopped and decided to drive back home.

 

On our way back, he asked me if i had fallen in love with anyone before. Then he went on to tell me he never knew what love was before and in recent times he fell in love and realised he could do anything for this girl. Some background info: He used to say I love you to me many times but i have never ever responded except for once only.

He was very vague about this girl and it definitely did not sound like me. So i asked him why he was telling me this and he said "The last time you asked me to be direct with you ... so it just came out fluidly" So i asked him about all those times where he kept saying that he loves me and his response was more amazing .... "IT IS VERY EASY TO FALL FOR YOU .... I COULD HAVE EASILY FALLEN FOR YOU!"

 

I asked him why come back .... why did not block me (when i had pleaded him to do it) and move on with the love of his life ..... he said "We had some unfinished business and i thought we needed to clear it . I was honestly just lost for words and totally confused. There was a rollercoaster of emotions going on. He kept hugging me and consoling me. Told me a few more bull**** when i was just thinking out aloud.

"When you lean in to kiss me, I melt!" and the finale was a "I LOVE YOU!" I honestly wanted to slap him but i couldn't even react. I felt so confused, angry, used etc.... So i just told him to block and delete me right in front of my eyes and left.

 

 

It was a crazy week. I was back to feeling so miserable and devastated. I had already overcome the whole breakup. To make matters worse. He purposely came to view my instagram story which is a public profile. He never knew I had an instagram account. So he managed to find me. I just ignored!

 

Please enlighten me. I need to get a hold of myself again. I want to move on stronger than before. But he has really damaged me this time! And it is very very UNFAIR!

[schlumpy]

You are already doing what you need to do and that is no contact but it's obvious that you still have feelings or you would not have met him nor would you have allowed him to talk to you as long as he did.

 

I can't imagine trying reconnect with an old girlfriend by telling her how I'd fallen in love with someone else. He couldn't fall in love with you? Oh, that's right. Now he can since he fell in love with another woman.

 

This is all about him. He's trying to act out a fantasy where he sweeps back into your life declaring himself emotionally healed and eager to resume the relationship he had with you. He's learned what love is from another woman.

 

It's up to you if want to accept it. I'd advise you not to but I'm not knowledgeable as to how healthy your relationship with him was. Maybe he is your dream guy and now that he's fixed by his old girl friend you get the benefits or is it leftovers?

 

I certainly do not want keep you from the love of your life.

 

Good luck

[JaRule]

I do love him. We connect extremely well. He has always been very loving, affectionate and caring. We split due to some petty differences. And I told him to stay away from me. Recently, when he spoke to me he did bring up the fact that I mentioned regretting knowing him which I did.

 

The fact that he did so much to come back into my life. Texting me constantly from February to get my time and attention. Treating me so well. Speaking to me so gently. Only to tell me that he fell in love with someone else. Just does not make any sense to me. What I felt with him was so different from what he mentioned. I till now don’t know why he did it. And that irks me. I don’t know if such a girl even exists!! Or he said it to get a reaction from me. Which is even worse!

 

I have decided completely that I am never ever going to allow him back into my life. That decision is final. Because for someone to not even know what he wants for sure isn’t someone I can even tolerate or live with long term. But it’s just so painful because the reality is hard to accept! For someone to want to come back so badly, then to say he had fallen in love with someone else and then to tell me he loves me. I tink is too messed up. Which is why is doubly hard!

[SumGuy]

...I have decided completely that I am never ever going to allow him back into my life. That decision is final. Because for someone to not even know what he wants for sure isn’t someone I can even tolerate or live with long term.

good call

 

 

 

 

...For someone to want to come back so badly, then to say he had fallen in love with someone else and then to tell me he loves me. I tink is too messed up. Which is why is doubly hard!

 

 

It's messed up beyond belief. If false it's a messed up mind game and you can't take him at his word, if true then is his idea of "love" cheating on this other woman and who could trust such a person?

[spiderowl]

I'm not surprised you are confused. It is utterly confusing!

 

I cannot see why he would go to all that trouble to contact you and see you, if he did not really want to see you.

 

Maybe he has fallen in love with someone else but cannot have her, so he is displacing his 'affection' on you.

 

Maybe he has realised he was in love with you but dare not say it, so he is going round the houses and is messing you up in the process.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by reinstating no contact with him. I suspect that you have not heard the last of this though. His behaviour makes no sense unless he was in love with you but trying to pretend to himself that he was not. He was drawn to you for some reason.

 

I don't want to get your hopes up though if this guy is 'in love' with someone else and does not know how to handle his emotions. Be prepared for anything!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, I'm in a similar situation at the moment. In early July, mine showed up after 6 months declaring he couldn't find anyone to replace me and I'm his soulmate with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Then he goes very low contact in the following days/weeks, sometimes not answering my texts. Been nearly a week since we had any contact at all.

 

Sorry you're going through this but I appreciate not being the only one. Not much advice to offer, but am offering you support in solidarity. Be well!

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice … About your situation, it would be best to evaluate if whether you want to continue with this man or not, since it is obvious that he does not know what he wants. However, have you thought to seek counseling or therapy? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You are valuable and worthy of fighting for. This can help find ways that you can overcome this situation. Please let me tell you my friend that love is a commitment of two. Love is not a feeling but to make a decision for someone. It is understandable the way that you feel, angry, used and betrayed. Love involves respect and loyalty. And those are values that I encourage you to seek in a relationship with a man. Sometimes we have to pass through this disappointments in life until we find the right person. But do not feel discourage. I will encourage you to set boundaries in further relationships that people do not cross the line and you avoid to be hurt again. Have you ever thought of forgiving him, situations and yourself? Forgiveness does not mean that he was doing is right. Forgiveness means that you let the problem go. It is the first step healing and change. It is not good to hold on to resentments. It is a good for you. I encourage also you to move on, turn the page and seek another friendships that lead you to meet the right match for you. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you my friend in my prayers.

•

[JaRule]

Thank you. I do see a clearer picture now. It could never have worked because I can never be messed up as I am very clear headed. It was a good sign to have gotten away. I will never allow him back into my life.

[JaRule]

I'm not surprised you are confused. It is utterly confusing!

 

I cannot see why he would go to all that trouble to contact you and see you, if he did not really want to see you.

 

Maybe he has fallen in love with someone else but cannot have her, so he is displacing his 'affection' on you.

 

Maybe he has realised he was in love with you but dare not say it, so he is going round the houses and is messing you up in the process.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by reinstating no contact with him. I suspect that you have not heard the last of this though. His behaviour makes no sense unless he was in love with you but trying to pretend to himself that he was not. He was drawn to you for some reason.

 

I don't want to get your hopes up though if this guy is 'in love' with someone else and does not know how to handle his emotions. Be prepared for anything!

I guess i was more angry with myself than him. I had given him the BOD time and time again. To me, trusting someone I had known for more than decade was important and I made a conscious effort at it because I would do the same to anyone in my life.

 

After what had happened, he made me feel like I had been too naive to have trusted him. Thus, the angst and confusion. He knows all I have done! He KNOWS what sort of a person I am. I have never done anything to hurt him, belittle him etc. Always made him feel good about himself. I was his listener, friend, confidante etc. But sadly, he had only seen me as his FB! Which i had failed to see.

 

So, if he has decided that i was not worthy of his love and someone else was, then I am very happy for him. I am definitely not the one for him. My mind is organised. I am not afraid to say what i feel. I am not at all Toxic! I know what I want. I am a happy, free spirited, kind and positive soul! We would never have worked because of our differences.

 

Thank you so much for taking your time. Your reply definitely helped tremendously.

 

I wish him all the best and hope he will find his peace and happiness

[JaRule]

OP, I'm in a similar situation at the moment. In early July, mine showed up after 6 months declaring he couldn't find anyone to replace me and I'm his soulmate with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Then he goes very low contact in the following days/weeks, sometimes not answering my texts. Been nearly a week since we had any contact at all.

 

Sorry you're going through this but I appreciate not being the only one. Not much advice to offer, but am offering you support in solidarity. Be well!

You too! I hope you are doing much better now .... hugs

 

I am accepting the whole thing now! Some people come into your life for a reason. And I believe his entrance and exit was extremely useful to me. I learnt so much about myself which was somewhat hidden within me and I have started seeing my worth clearer than before for sure. So I am very thankful how things have turned out if not I never would have identified myself either.

[JaRule]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice … About your situation, it would be best to evaluate if whether you want to continue with this man or not, since it is obvious that he does not know what he wants. However, have you thought to seek counseling or therapy? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You are valuable and worthy of fighting for. This can help find ways that you can overcome this situation. Please let me tell you my friend that love is a commitment of two. Love is not a feeling but to make a decision for someone. It is understandable the way that you feel, angry, used and betrayed. Love involves respect and loyalty. And those are values that I encourage you to seek in a relationship with a man. Sometimes we have to pass through this disappointments in life until we find the right person. But do not feel discourage. I will encourage you to set boundaries in further relationships that people do not cross the line and you avoid to be hurt again. Have you ever thought of forgiving him, situations and yourself? Forgiveness does not mean that he was doing is right. Forgiveness means that you let the problem go. It is the first step healing and change. It is not good to hold on to resentments. It is a good for you. I encourage also you to move on, turn the page and seek another friendships that lead you to meet the right match for you. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you my friend in my prayers.

•

As i step back, I finally am seeing a clearer picture. The truth was i could not accept the fact that he could be such a person. Giving him the benefit of the doubt every single time was the mistake I had made. Not sure how trusting someone whom i had known for more than a decade was naivety.

 

But nevertheless, I have forgiven him. I have just realised that he has a long way to go. He has to identify himself. I will never be able to be with someone who isn't sure of who he is. Because I am and have always been. I will continue to trust anyone who comes into my life because I find it the most beautiful thing to do for the other party [be it my husband, my kids, my family, my friends or even my pet ].

 

He has shown me that I love myself more than I ever thought I did. He has also taught me that there is nothing much I would want to change about myself. He has also helped me to identify anyone who is a master manipulator. At least I have learnt that anyone who wants to use my trust against me will never ever have any space in my life. He has also taught me how to forgive such people and move on from it.

 

I honestly thank you for your caring post! It really gave me so much support. I feel more empowered than before, after his exit and the way he had exited. Thank you again. I am doing GREAT

[JaRule]

Hi everyone,

 

How is everybody? So I was here in August. All confused about how my ex had handled our breakup. Some background info:

He asked me out one night and we were driving around as per

normal and he told me he has never fallen in love ever in his life and

recently he had realised that he had fallen for someone. And the

description of the person did not sound at all like me. So i told him

we should break it off then. And he asked if we could still be friends.

I said no and before I left he told me "I love you!" I walked away with so much pain.

 

So I came into this portal seeking for some solace and I definitely got a lot of help. I've been moving on, working on myself. It has been a tough journey. I still love him and have very strong feelings for him still. But I have been staying strong and just doing everything I can to move on with my daily life. Thoughts of him pop up here and there. But I handle it well.

 

However, yesterday I had a call from an unknown number. It kinda looked familiar. So i picked up the call. It was him! But this is what he said:

"Hello, Who is this? I am Sean! So I replied with my name. Then he said, "I saw some convos on my phone and was wondering who it was?". I was completely dumbfounded!!!! So i said ok then and hung up the phone. Not sure if i was rude! I thought I was going to be ok.

 

But it just brought back so many memories! If his idea was to plant thoughts into my head. It worked! Which i am so angry about! What was his intention? Why did he do what he did? Please please do not tell me to just not think about it and move on. I hope it was that easy. I always realised that having some answers helps! Instead of sweeping it under the carpet?

 

What were his motivations? Is it to tell me he has forgotten me? Is it to indirectly tell me he has moved on? Is it to make me think of him more because he knows ive moved on?

 

Please help!

[Flame Aura]

Nobody here is a mind reader... only he knows.

 

 

Either contact him and ask him what was he trying to do with that phone call or... probably the better option... carry on with life without him in it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Please help!

 

If you're asking if his wrong number/butt dial call was some kind of sign, the answer is yes. But it's a sign of either his indifference or callousness, he either doesn't know or doesn't care.

 

Unless you're pain-shopping, don't get sucked back in. Block, ignore and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lauri]

I don't even know what to say to this. It's extremely strange and comes off really immature.

 

This guy seems like he is playing games. What an immature way for him to call you and act.

 

If he had something serious to say, he'd call you back and say it. Good on you for hanging up on him.

 

I don't know his intention because I can't read his mind. But OP, why would you even want to deal with a guy who 1) tells you he's in love with someone else, then asks you to be friends then 2) tells you he loves you to stop you from walking way. This is manipulation 101.

 

If he calls again, for your peace of mind, confront him on why he's reaching out to you. But judging by how this guy has acted, I doubt you'll get any answers that'll make you happy. I wouldn't suggest reaching back out to him because he seems like he may do something to really mess with your mind. You clearly aren't over him and it would be a very difficult conversation for you to have and could set you back worse than you are now.

[preraph]

I read the old thread. On there, seems to me like the only unfinished business is he was trying to keep his foot in the door for sex with you while he pursued the other woman. I mean, if you just go by his actions, it was all about just trying to get you to have sex in the car or sometime. You surely know that ideal for a lot of guys is to take on a new girlfriend and just keep having sex with the old one, right?

 

And his question asking if you were into someone else, that's him just blatantly asking for validation. He wants you to WANT him whether he wants to keep you or not. This is by no means novel. This is disturbingly normal on the man front.

 

Just keep hanging up on him. His messages were always mixed. I'm going to take a shot and say he is more in love with sex than he is in love with any one person.

[MsJayne]

He knew very well who he was calling. As if he wouldn't recognise and remember text convo's he had with you! The guy's a juvenile game player and you're way too good for him. I hope next time he calls, and he will, that you tell him to grow up. And then I hope you meet the guy who makes you realise just what a massive plonker the ex is.

[LivingWaterPlease]

And he asked if we could still be friends.

I said no and before I left he told me "I love you!" I walked away with so much pain. [/i]

Please help!

 

First off, why didn't you explain to him what happened that night? That you thought he was in love with someone else?

 

You both deserve to have the truth between you.

 

As to his recent call, no matter his motivation it's an opportunity for you to call back and clear the air. Obviously this man means a lot to you. Time to explain to him what happened that night and how you miss him.

[movingonnow1]

I am going to be honest ... when I was a lot younger, I acted a bit like this guy. I was immature, inconsiderate and selfish when dealing with women. I am not proud of who I used to be and thankfully I worked a lot on myself to improve. Maybe my insight can give you an idea of what I think is going on.

 

I will tell you this right now - this guy doesn't care about you. He called you and pretended he didn't know who he was calling so he could hook you back in. It's a complete mind f***. He is manipulating you and wanted to see if you still wanted HIM. That call was ALL about HIM, and not anything about YOU. He has no consideration for how he is going to make you feel.

 

Want to know what he is expecting? Initially, that you would react differently when he called. He probably thinks you still want him and would be easy for him to hook back up with. He probably had an idea of how he would approach getting you to see him or re-engaging in a conversation. But fortunately, you hung up on his and threw a wrench in his plans. All he was trying to do is see if he can get what he truly wants - sex. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries reaching out again, sending a text or doing something else to try to hook you back. I suggest you block his number and focus your time and energy on building something new with someone who is worth your time. It's not easy but it's the only way for this to end.

 

All I can say is this guy is a selfish person.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OK, my understanding of your break up night is different than others are seeing it.

 

I thought he was telling you he'd finally fallen for someone. Then described her (meaning he was describing you) and was going to tell you that YOU were the one he'd fallen for, but you didn't recognize yourself and broke up with him because you thought he was referring to someone else.

 

Is it possible that's what he was doing?

[JaRule]

OK, my understanding of your break up night is different than others are seeing it.

 

I thought he was telling you he'd finally fallen for someone. Then described her (meaning he was describing you) and was going to tell you that YOU were the one he'd fallen for, but you didn't recognize yourself and broke up with him because you thought he was referring to someone else.

 

Is it possible that's what he was doing?

 

Then, why would he call me and pretend he didn know who I was! My voice! My chats! My number. We have known each other for more than a decade. What about me has he forgotten! Why the need to tell me he had forgotten? Is this really love on his part? Everyone has different ways of showing it i understand. But its just too much to handle sometimes. Being the bigger person all the time! I am so lost and absolutely confused. Coz I do still love him.

[lauri]

Then, why would he call me and pretend he didn know who I was! My voice! My chats! My number. We have known each other for more than a decade. What about me has he forgotten! Why the need to tell me he had forgotten? Is this really love on his part? Everyone has different ways of showing it i understand. But its just too much to handle sometimes. Being the bigger person all the time! I am so lost and absolutely confused. Coz I do still love him.

 

Could you explain, in better detail, if he confirmed he was talking about someone else in the car?

 

Also, he didn't forget anything about you. He called you full well knowing what was going on and who he was calling. He's just playing games and trying to get to you. Don't let this manipulating tactic throw you off the rails.

 

If I'm reading the situation right, this guy sounds so immature.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Then, why would he call me and pretend he didn know who I was! My voice! My chats! My number. We have known each other for more than a decade. What about me has he forgotten! Why the need to tell me he had forgotten? Is this really love on his part? Everyone has different ways of showing it i understand. But its just too much to handle sometimes. Being the bigger person all the time! I am so lost and absolutely confused. Coz I do still love him.

 

If, when he described a person he said he'd fallen for that night you broke up, if he was talking about someone else and then called you recently as you described, then IMO he might be pretty desperate for an ego boost. I mean, that's going to great lengths to get a tiny bit of ego boost. That would be a very insecure person.

 

If that's the case be glad you're not with him.

 

Did you ever find out, though, who it was he was really in love with?

 

As far as calling you recently, he could have just really wanted to hear your voice or talk with you and that was an excuse. I can't imagine anyone being so insecure as to fake a call to make a point. Unless, I guess if it hurt his ego you broke up with him so easily.

 

If he was talking about someone else the night you broke up he's one sick dude with his behavior that night and then calling you recently.

 

I'm just not convinced that he wasn't talking about falling for you, not someone else, that night. I mean, he never did say who it was, did he?

 

I'm sorry you cut things off without hearing him out about it.

 

You say the two of you have known each other well for a very long time. Do you ever see each other in passing or at functions? I mean, if you've known each other a long time it seems you possibly move in the same circles, etc.

[JaRule]

Could you explain, in better detail, if he confirmed he was talking about someone else in the car?

 

Also, he didn't forget anything about you. He called you full well knowing what was going on and who he was calling. He's just playing games and trying to get to you. Don't let this manipulating tactic throw you off the rails.

 

If I'm reading the situation right, this guy sounds so immature.

 

He told me he has never slept with this girl and that he isn't sexually attracted to her. Just that part! And he obviously has slept with me! The moment he said that I told him then we are off. He went on to tell me little things i have told him that he remembers. He can even tell me the exact name of the place we first met 12 years ago and how long we spoke for. When I told him so I was used for sex? He told me that he melts everytime i lean over to kiss him. And then came the finale of "I Love You!" The confusion he put me through. I never got my closure! I never knew if it was someone else he was talking about. I never knew if it was me! I just walked away wondering why he did what he did! It was a very tough process trying to move on without a closure and feeling like I was not worth it. But I managed until yesterday. Again i have no idea what he wants! Left me in the same LIMBO!!!!!

[JaRule]

I don't even know what to say to this. It's extremely strange and comes off really immature.

 

This guy seems like he is playing games. What an immature way for him to call you and act.

 

If he had something serious to say, he'd call you back and say it. Good on you for hanging up on him.

 

I don't know his intention because I can't read his mind. But OP, why would you even want to deal with a guy who 1) tells you he's in love with someone else, then asks you to be friends then 2) tells you he loves you to stop you from walking way. This is manipulation 101.

 

If he calls again, for your peace of mind, confront him on why he's reaching out to you. But judging by how this guy has acted, I doubt you'll get any answers that'll make you happy. I wouldn't suggest reaching back out to him because he seems like he may do something to really mess with your mind. You clearly aren't over him and it would be a very difficult conversation for you to have and could set you back worse than you are now.

Yes i do agree! The fear is he will never come clean to me which is ultimately mean considering how long and well we know each other. He did tell me is was good idea to block each other when i suggested it the last time. He blocked me right in front of my eyes and deleted my number. Then why come back now? Why mind****? So much trouble just for SEX???? It is plain ridiculous!