What have i done wrong?

[nropa]

Hello everybody,

 

I just want to say my whole story as i find myself so confused right now as i have never experienced these type of feeling before and i do not respond well to emotional instability and i have never done this to talk out everything but i have found myself in a very bad state.

 

I Would appreciate all the feedback from people and the patience to read this all and give me your say on this and the bluntest truth because that is what i like to hear, so thanks in advance for helping out

 

First off i wanna say that i have been in a previous 3 year relationship which i actually wouldn't call it one as i was young and lost and had no idea what it means to be going out/in love with somebody , but i used to live with her for almost 2 years at her parents house i was 17 at that time and lets say i wasn't romantic and i was never thought how to be but i was very caring for her whatever she needed i was always there but i was never the type of guy that would light your room with candles , but i was the type to listen very well understand your point of view , motivate you , and make you work hard for your dreams and have my full support , when this ended i was devestated but she left me when we grew up a little because she started a new job after i pushed her to get it (It was her dream) and started seeing me as a nobody .

 

It didin't take me much to get over her as i instantly realized i was played , and this turned me into a cold distant person that made me emotionaly unavailable to anyone who trys to make contact more then once with me , after the breakup i was just drinking partying and just going for one night stands as i didint want to be vurnebal to some on and i actually was quite happy focusing on my carrers while having 0 woman responsabilitys , which brings me to my current situation .

 

2 Years passed and i met this beautiful, fun, positive looking woman which i got crazy for immediatly , i felt a spark with her and i knew that i wanted her so bad and only her. I am 24 she is 27 (we also come from different countrys) we started dating , it was really fun and excisting for me to be feeling something again which then triggered my past memorys and i was holding myself back from acting crazy about her so i took things slow , like meeting on weekends only, we were both fine with that... taking things slow, as she had very bad abusive relationships before (Or so she said) , as time passed by around 2-3 months things were getting a bit more serious , as she realized when we had our first major fight and as a revenge she just went out with another guy , she felt bad and guilty about it and told me the next day. A week later she was traveling and i found out that she was talking to another guy from where she was traveling, i confronted her and she showed me that it was just an old friend etc it was hard to swallow but i just let it go as it was still early... then misscomunications started to happen and a lot of arguments about what annoys her and what bothers her etc , i adapted to that immediately she told me once what she hates and i never done it again, or atleast tried to stop immediately it was really little things such as the way i sometimes explain things (Too honest) (Still having tinder installed and once i updated it) (i sound rude when talking to her) or (that i swear when i talk and makes me look aggresive) , everytime she mentioned something new , i stopped it.

 

Major thing that i ever did wrong as she mentioned was when i made her wait for over an hour and i didint say sorry i was just stupid , the next day i bought her a whole vase of flowers to show her it was stupid of me and i really am sorry... So i always showed her that whatever you bring to the table i can change it for you , she is a bit of an over-emotional person and sensitive so i always was carefull how i have to speak to her to not hurt her or make her sad , i am the type of an honest person so if you talk to me about something that is bothering you i will make sure i'll tell you the truth about whats wrong and how we can fix it , she hated the fact i was to honest and always called me stuff like you dont feel anything, you have no empathy , your just a cold person...

 

 

 

 

I never understood why she said those things and how she couldn't see i just wanna help her , so i tryed to start lying to her and instead of telling her what the truth is i just tell her what she wants to hear , deep down this was feeling bad for me as if im doing her wrong , but she wanted this , after some time she noticed that i am not saying the truth about things that shes talking to me about , and started telling me your just a liar and she used to flip out a lot get very agressive with her voice etc which she knows that it is the most thing that i hate , if you want to explain something just talk slowly and we can fix it but she always blammed her peroids and mood swings cause they effect her way to much (Which i also adapted to) , i warned her that if she yells or shouts i will turn into a rude person i dont respond well to shouting , so it was just a mess back and forth of her flipping out and shouting then me turning from a slow calm person to being rude aswell, it was just a huge mess .

 

So i was the bigger guy and started fixing things slowly , if she shouts i take a 2minute break and just breath and wait for her to chill and talk again . As more time passed by she started ignoring me on social media when we have a miscomincation and just leaves me on seen and then just ****s off and talk to me later at night and tells me stuff like so this bothered me and i just didint wanna talk (I was even ok with that) i told her just take your time when you feel like this. She is very needy and you have to be carefull but i felt like i found a system for those things to not annoy me , but a person can hold so much in him .... she showed me that shes just repeating same old mistakes and when we had fights i said mean stuff like i dont need this i have everything i need in reality i just wanted to enjoy my time with you and have as much fun as i can and see where this will lead to im not saying we dont argue and everything is ok all the time but running the same loop is just a mess that i dont need for my mental health right now as i went through a rough year fighting depression alone and i managed to get out of it by myself my mental health was still not 100% this left me with bad anxiety and panic attacks and sleeping disorders , and i never involved her in any of those things my only scope was to make her smile and just enjoy it . When i had bad days i dont bring the attitude with her but she always took it out on me when she had bad days

 

 

 

 

She confessed that she had to much trust issues and the fact that she dosen't know what me and her are bothered her i tryed to explain that whats the point putting labels on us aslong as i respect you and im here for you i guess this was never enough , i was shattered mentaly and emotionally and deniying the fact this will never work out , kind of felt like whatever i do its never enough and i was blaming her and telling her why you have to do this and that etc along the way i switched to blaming myself cause i am cold and selfish and unemotional cause that is what she kept telling me , i convinced myself that i am the problem , it wasn't always bad dont get me wrong like one thing i realized with her the sex was just ****ing magic and rainbows shooting honestly we would lay for hours in bed just doing stuff to each other , one of the main reasons i was there for to long i was doing stuff with a passion i missed that, since i was having just meaningless sex before i just wanted to treat her really good , as would anyone with a fresh partner right.

 

The good times we had felt so amazing since we fought 75% of the time and then after a good 2-3 weeks we had a huge fight cause she prepared all the food and i was thanking her for it and i didint pour wine for her and she flipped out that it's just not fair that she prepared everything and im not able to just make her a glass of wine and i told her just ask me instead that you want a glass of wine it dosen't have to be complicated to just expect me to know what your thinking maybe i am wrong there but sometimes you just have to be direct with what you want instead of expecting me to pour a god damn glass of wine and she started telling me your still a selfish person and just think about yourself and then got really aggresive and scretched me and instantly regreted it bursted out crying she knew i was gonna leave her for good , and i felt so **** seeing her like that she was just telling me to just go and leave her there cause she ****ed up badly , i comforted her and even slept next to her that day (Didin't want to trust her to be alone) after a week i was just feeling to much that i had to tell her we need to take a break to think .

 

 

 

 

I took a week to calm everything down cause things were to much intense at this point , after a week we talked and decided to forget everything that happened and really try pulling the same rope now after that it was so much fun doing stuff together no fights just both of us being really happy you know that felt so ****ing good i didint even want to believe it that we can be like that , we were going to plan a trip together and i agreed that i want to do it so bad lets just go to anywhere that she wants its ok for me , but she made it difficult with searching and planning i wanted to help i offered even and she just told me no i love doing this so i let her be , but even that she wasn't comfortable of doing cause she told me can we even plan a month ahead what if something happens to us and i told her like just **** it, lets book it lets just go and she kept stretching this out so bad and i was just feeling **** about it like why cant we just go on a trip and forget it if were together or not in a month just book it lets act civil you know dont put to much pressure on it we need this vacation together. But i know deep down and in her head it was just to much thinking bad about me that i will just leave her and we wont make it to this trip and thinking so much negative about me she didint want to admit it but i knew, i felt it.

 

She build a whole different story in her head about how cold and selfish she thinks that i am that she just couldnt see that im actually here for her everytime she ****ed up she just kept building this paranoia by herself that im not gonna stay there for long and she also told me im manipulating her and whatnot that i had to make her realize that im not the one doing that , how the hell can you not see this and thats the saddest part she dosen't even realize her behaviour it made me so mad that she couldn't see it i was to frustrated to be blammed that i started telling her its you whos doing this and that , that she went back to check old messages and realized that yes i was there for her etc

 

so we decided to book it the week after and on that weekend i said something stupid which made her sad and i apologized to her many times even cleaned some stuff for her to show her im sorry etc but she spent 7 hours angry and i was just comforting her and told her to go eat at her favorite restaurant and we said yes , the time arrived to go and told me she dosn't want to go and i told her then if you dont want to go lets just stay mad for the rest of the day and just ruin the rest of it and both of us just be mad about it , after that 10 minutes later she told me lets go i told her to just forget it now my mood is just to ruined now i just wanna literally waste the rest of the day and just **** it , then a huge argument and old behaviour started showing up again and was telling me to just leave etc so i did i stormed out and left angry .

 

She called and i just told her just let this go i need to be alone etc , obviously she didint agree with that it was a monday , and we planned to book the trip on thursday , so we just ignored this fight , then thursday came i told her im in a bad mood and i just want to talk with her book this trip and just get a break , but hey even that was not possible for us i arrived to her house and forgot to bring her 1 iteam from the grocery as i had my head in the clouds from having a **** day at work so she starts complaining with me that i just cant do anything good and i told her i will just go and get it real fast and she just kept being mad and stretched this for 20 minutes , after that it got messy i just exploded i just had enough i couldn't even control myself i was just hitting my head on the wall and grabbing my hair that i had enough of this bull**** and this will never work out and i left

 

and that is the looooooooooooooooong post which brings me to my whole major point, im not saying i was innocent through this whatever we had i did some childish stuff i had my bad rude moments but not as much as she did ii was led to believe that she actually cared , cause she sent me nice messages and even postcards but then she struggled to show it with her actions , and when she did, she didint show it for a long time it was just a huge loop of bad behavior being repeated why tell some on you care and you felt like this with no other person and with you its different but then act all crazy and psycho? im stuck in a phase since i lack experience from this stuff that i am actually to blame i shoud've been romantic or left without being aggresive?

 

That is llitteraly the only thing on my head that it didint work our cause of me , i've been like this since i was a kid if something is not working i need to make it work else i hold the responsability that i didint do enough , i mean seeing facts i know it's so toxic i dont even want her back no matter how attracted i still am to her it was posion to my brain i can literraly understand that but why does it hurt to a point where i am holding myself responsable and its the only thing i can think about i cant even sleep right i dont respond well to emotional instability that eats me up and makes me want to do bad thing to myself alcohol/drugs/meaningless sex and just makes me angry at the world and i want to seek revenge , but i know that is not the right thing , but i am just to a point where everything leads to me being the problem and i cant get anything to work ever in my life .

 

 

 

 

Just venting out here already feels a bit better i would appreciate if some one gave advice or has been through some same situation and shares it , it feels easier talking here then people around me because they dont understand it u have to go through it to get it.

 

Sorry about the long post but i needed to be very detailed to see if at some point i did things that maybe changed her or she has some behaviour that i am not aware off

[lonelyplanetmoon]

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[mark clemson]

I think you haven't done anything really too wrong. What's wrong is that she's got some weird issues, possibly BPD or similar as suggested above. So, she's not really datable long term for anyone including you, unfortunately, until she addresses whatever her issue is.

 

Starting a relationship with her was wrong, but of course how could you or anyone know that.

 

Pick up the pieces, start to heal, and move on. Don't look to her or hope to take her back (as you've already indicated). Easier said than done, but we all do it...

[nropa]

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

 

This is very helpfull and accurate , she always said it and mentioned that she might have it but always laughed and said it as a joke , i also thought about that she has it but i think i was in denial at that phase but her actions spoke louder then words , thank you for this !

[nropa]

I think you haven't done anything really too wrong. What's wrong is that she's got some weird issues, possibly BPD or similar as suggested above. So, she's not really datable long term for anyone including you, unfortunately, until she addresses whatever her issue is.

 

Starting a relationship with her was wrong, but of course how could you or anyone know that.

 

Pick up the pieces, start to heal, and move on. Don't look to her or hope to take her back (as you've already indicated). Easier said than done, but we all do it...

 

 

Im certain she has some type of condition as her emotions varyed big time , she could go from really happy and taking decisions instantly and wanting to do everything with me to i hate you but dont go away stay close to me , it was very confusing to me as i have never dated a lot of people so i dont know how to handle some situations but i was really soft with her and just hoped that one day she would stop repeating the same mistakes .

 

I just never swallowed the fact that she said certain things and even the way she looked at me and treated me sometimes , showed me that she cares a lot and she wants this to work out , but then goes to self-sabotaging into making a situation really bad till we have a huge fight and keep repeating same mistakes at that point she already broke all the rules we said were gonna keep but i kept going back cause im a dumass i guesss it is hard to move on from something i dont really fully understand , but life is though sometimes u have to take decisions that will tare you apart and ruin you , but you have to fight through it to survive

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You are welcome. Glad I could help.

I swear I have read that article 20 times just to help get my head on straight.

It is very hard to break free from these relationships so I caution you. Avoid the urge to contact her or you will risk going back.

 

Link was shared by a user called Downtown and he seems to know a great deal about this.

 

Check out his posts if you need more help.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened and about how you are feeling. A breakup is usually painful and you need to allow yourself time to grieve and for it to fade. That does take time. It will fade though.

 

We don't know what happened really but it sounds like a very stormy relationship. It sounds like both you and her are used to volatile situations. What was your family background like? Were your parents kind and loving towards each other.

 

You are right that it was a toxic relationship but it still hurts when a toxic relationship does not work out. You do need someone less volatile than this woman. I can understand if she suffered from PMT that that can be serious and can really wreck relationships, but it ought to be clear at other times that you two love and care for each other. If things did not improve at other times, then the PMT is one factor but not all of it.

 

Quite honestly, despite the amazing sex, you were were not happy together. It's a real shame because that kind of physical compatibility is hard to find, but not impossible! It is not worth the misery of the rest of the relationship though.

 

Things haven't worked out this time. There is no reason why they would not work out next time. We all have failed relationships and that's one thing we learn from. You will know some things to look for next time: how you both treat each other with respect and kindness, making an effort to be supportive if the other person is doing something nice for us, all those kinds of things.

 

I have a feeling your family background was not loving and so you have struggled to learn how to be so yourself. This isn't to say you didn't care for your ex, more to say that it is hard to recognise a loving relationship if you have not experienced one at home. It is hard to recognise a toxic one, too, for the same reasons. At least you have recognised it now.

 

If you can get counselling, it would be worth trying it. It would help you through this difficult stage where you are feeling hurt and bruised. I think it would also help you to find out where this frustration with relationships is coming from and how to find ways of meeting your needs which does not involve anger and upset. You are understandably feeling both at the moment, but this is why you need someone to talk to about this.

 

Try to think of this as a way to learn how to build better relationships in the future rather than as a failure. Sometimes things just don't work out because the other person cannot be the person we want them to be. Do not blame yourself for that. If both in a relationship have background issues, then it takes the most skilled to be able to work through that without frustration. Many do not manage it so you are not alone in that.

[nropa]

You are welcome. Glad I could help.

I swear I have read that article 20 times just to help get my head on straight.

It is very hard to break free from these relationships so I caution you. Avoid the urge to contact her or you will risk going back.

 

Link was shared by a user called Downtown and he seems to know a great deal about this.

 

Check out his posts if you need more help.

 

Yes , it is very hard to break free , its like i am stuck in denial phase that she purely meant it when she said she wanted to try etc but at the end of the day you can never know what one thinks , sometimes the way she looked at me i know she cared but she checks out on most things from the BPD and having a mental issue without she knowing it is more hard , everytime we tryed to talk about stuff she used to say "I dont know why i do this" and it was very confusing to her why she can't just be normal which frustrated her more , but hey life is all up's and down's , and looks are also a big part of me being hooked which is very immature thinking from my side wanting some one cause she fits my description of what i like

[nropa]

I am sorry to hear what happened and about how you are feeling. A breakup is usually painful and you need to allow yourself time to grieve and for it to fade. That does take time. It will fade though.

 

We don't know what happened really but it sounds like a very stormy relationship. It sounds like both you and her are used to volatile situations. What was your family background like? Were your parents kind and loving towards each other.

 

You are right that it was a toxic relationship but it still hurts when a toxic relationship does not work out. You do need someone less volatile than this woman. I can understand if she suffered from PMT that that can be serious and can really wreck relationships, but it ought to be clear at other times that you two love and care for each other. If things did not improve at other times, then the PMT is one factor but not all of it.

 

Quite honestly, despite the amazing sex, you were were not happy together. It's a real shame because that kind of physical compatibility is hard to find, but not impossible! It is not worth the misery of the rest of the relationship though.

 

Things haven't worked out this time. There is no reason why they would not work out next time. We all have failed relationships and that's one thing we learn from. You will know some things to look for next time: how you both treat each other with respect and kindness, making an effort to be supportive if the other person is doing something nice for us, all those kinds of things.

 

I have a feeling your family background was not loving and so you have struggled to learn how to be so yourself. This isn't to say you didn't care for your ex, more to say that it is hard to recognise a loving relationship if you have not experienced one at home. It is hard to recognise a toxic one, too, for the same reasons. At least you have recognised it now.

 

If you can get counselling, it would be worth trying it. It would help you through this difficult stage where you are feeling hurt and bruised. I think it would also help you to find out where this frustration with relationships is coming from and how to find ways of meeting your needs which does not involve anger and upset. You are understandably feeling both at the moment, but this is why you need someone to talk to about this.

 

Try to think of this as a way to learn how to build better relationships in the future rather than as a failure. Sometimes things just don't work out because the other person cannot be the person we want them to be. Do not blame yourself for that. If both in a relationship have background issues, then it takes the most skilled to be able to work through that without frustration. Many do not manage it so you are not alone in that.

 

Eventually i know it will fade out and i know time fixes everything i am still early in the phase it has been 2 weeks so i know to re-adjust from emotional pain takes some time i mean we are human after all we cant just switch off the button and be dead inside.

 

My family background was not so good growing up i mean from my dad side used to be a heavy alcoholic and gambler and used to come home and do some stupid **** breaking stuff, swearing, aggresivness etc but as we grew older things got better but still it was at my younger phase i've seen that stuff that stuck to my head but i never let them effect me in a way that i'd turn out the same what i saw i swore i dont want to be like that i would never be aggresive with the woman im dating etc .

 

Yes sex was great (It was more from my side to her as i am more dominant and i want to be in control) it was just the connection that made it feel more amazing and the passion in it. But staying for sex/looks and being unhappy most of the time is not a good mentality either and not worth it at the end of the day.

 

As mentioned before i was never the very romantic type so that is one thing that a lot of Woman look for i never surprised with presents or flowers or suprise dinner dates , but one part is to blame that when i was not seeing the same support i am giving and understanding this put me to a bad mindset that why should i be romantic if she cant even be supportive and treat me with respect , but one part is to blame is how this all started and we were still very confused to what we want and need so we said some stuff that stuck through, but thing is after many long talks and arguments we tried to drop everything from the past and just really try this time , from my side i dropped everything she couldn't do that and tbh i had more reasons to name past behaviour then she did , that was one thing that pissed me off a lot.

 

I never told her i have a bad day etc and the one day that i did she couldn't take a step back and made everything much more worse that all i wanted after that was an apology and she told me why should i apologize for something i am not sorry for, and also said stuff like but your so though you dont have bad days and (You told me you dont want my support you get it elsewhere) and i tried to explain to her that if she can't be supportive since she never really tried to understand me, atleast dont piss me off more or make my situation better just act more calm, i have no idea how she does not see the fact that she was wrong and has to push it everytime , at the end of the day i dont want to stay with some one who can't even understand me 1 bit and funny thing is i've seen more support from friends and interest in my personal life on a daily basis then from her , not once has she asked me stuff about things that i love and show a little bit interest, or when she did it was always so short and not even fully interested to understand it was kinda forced to kind of shut my mouth , so that was already a big factor for me to not even be romantic to her .