My girlfriend wants her ex-boyfriend and me.

[parkerbelan]

Hey everyone,

 

My girlfriend of 2.5 years has been talking to her old ex boyfriend who she dated for around 3-4 years, off and on, always taking him back when he would cheat (all the time). We started dating shortly after she finally realized she didnt need him, and have been together ever since (2.5 years).

 

This has been deeply concerning because she never spoke to him for the entirety of our relationship, until the last couple months. Both times I have brought it up, expressing how it hurts me, she has been extremely defensive. This also happens to be a time in our relationship where we have been struggling as of late. So both are happening during the same time frame.

 

As of the past couple of weeks, she has been very secretive with her phone, and also standoffish. This was very concerning to me, so I snooped and read their texts (I know how wrong this is). He is talking like he is her boyfriend, and they are saying things like they love and miss each other. He lives out of the state, and they are planning on meeting up.

 

I haven't brought any of this stuff up to her (its been 5 days) because I want to fully process what it is that I want to do. I know she loves me and cares about me, but I also know the hold her cheating ex has on her as she would always go back to him in the past. I thought 2.5 years of us together would stifle that and things were good with us for a long time.

 

The situation is tough, because it is slowly eating away at me that she is so confused as to who she wants to be with. It is also tough because I do love her, care about her, and want to be with her. But I also know that I deserve to be with someone who always chooses me first.

 

What should I do? I am very hurt, and very confused. 2.5 years is a long time to spend with someone and we are extremely close. I know that If I end it, she will get with him immediately, but the old ways of their toxic relationship will resurface, and she will come crying back to me. Please help, everyone.

[schlumpy]

This has been deeply concerning because she never spoke to him for the entirety of our relationship, until the last couple months. Both times I have brought it up, expressing how it hurts me, she has been extremely defensive. This also happens to be a time in our relationship where we have been struggling as of late. So both are happening during the same time frame.

 

As of the past couple of weeks, she has been very secretive with her phone, and also standoffish. This was very concerning to me, so I snooped and read their texts (I know how wrong this is). He is talking like he is her boyfriend, and they are saying things like they love and miss each other. He lives out of the state, and they are planning on meeting up.

 

I know she loves me and cares about me, but I also know the hold her cheating ex has on her as she would always go back to him in the past.

 

What should I do? I am very hurt, and very confused. and she will come crying back to me. Please help, everyone.

 

 

So you are having a bad time just as you discover the EA between your GF and her old slimy BF. What a surprising coincidence.

 

Being careful with her phone is another clue that the relationship is heating up. Don't feel bad for looking at her phone. You have to protect yourself because she isn't going to do it.

 

You can bring this up to her if you want and BTW, you did copy the evidence of the phone, right? But they'll just go deeper underground and she will live with you and string you along while she has fun with her ex.

 

No, she doesn't love you. You're just a placeholder until lover boy shows up. Quit making excuses for her. Your focus should be on you and what is best for you.

 

I don't know if you can save your relationship. You can only try but to do that you have to risk it. Face it, she's going to him regardless of what you do. You can't nice her back into your arms.

 

If you own the house or your name is on the lease kick her out. Put her stuff outside and then tell her why.

 

Cancel any joint credit cards and separate any joint accounts.

 

Cancel her damn phone. Replace it with a burner flip phone.

 

Lay out your ground rules for her come back. Add whatever rules you feel are appropriate.

 

Complete access to all electronic accounts.

 

Cancel her damn phone

 

She has to let you know where she is.

 

She blocks all contact with her wonderful EX.

 

She writes and sends him a no contact letter.

 

Once you've pulled her support system out from under her that's all you can do. She can't cheat on you and use your resources to do it.

 

Yes, she may run to her little precious boy but you already know she was going to do that anyway.

 

Start doing the 180 which is program designed to detach your feelings so you can make clear headed decisions.

 

It's all up to you. She is no prize. You can do much better and your next girl may have no trouble spelling fidelity.

 

Don't take her back unless she's willing to tow the line or do the smart thing and just don't take her back.

[mark clemson]

The simple thing to do is break it off with her.

 

IF you do that and she freaks out and says she wants only you, etc. then I would confront her with the phone evidence, etc.

 

You would need to set down a lot of rules, monitoring, etc as per what Schlumpy indicated above. You still might not have her heart, unfortunately, she may try to have you both or possibly cheat again if someone comes along who triggers her infatuation.

 

It might not be worth it.

 

Not sure how old you are, but be very glad you found out about this now, rather than 8 years and 2 kids into a marriage with her or similar. Walking away is MUCH easier now...

[Mrin]

Kick her to the curb. Now. Why in the world would you waste your time, effort and resources on a woman like that. Show some self respect and cut ties with her.

[Redhead14]

I know she loves me and cares about me

 

 

All evidence to the contrary . . . you're a placeholder.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry ... your headline is wrong. She wants the ex bf.

 

Not saying there is anything you did wrong. Other than it IS weird that she never talked about the ex. Some talking about the ex is normal.

 

Definitely dump her.

 

Challenge question: ... be really honest ... I'm gonna bet that in this relationship ... (pushing ex bf aside) you feel like you're working harder than she is. I can almost guarantee you that there is already an imbalance.

 

Let go. Get out. And you'll know in the future that NO TALK about ex is a possible red flag, worthy of finding out more about.

[healing light]

This girl is addicted to the ex boyfriend, meaning she never had full room in her heart for you. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can really do other than break things off with her.

 

This guy and her have unfinished business and anyone who gets in the way will just end up hurt.

 

She is not emotionally available for anyone, I wouldn't be surprised if you're right about her trying to bark up your tree after she's done with round 200 with him. Don't take the bait, though, she clearly needs to sort through her feelings and heal whatever it is that is compelling her to replay toxicity and drama.

[Beachead]

Hey ParkerBelan

 

Just by reading the title of your thread alone, my mind screamed "break up with her now."

 

My girlfriend of 2.5 years has been talking to her old ex boyfriend who she dated for around 3-4 years, off and on, always taking him back when he would cheat (all the time). We started dating shortly after she finally realized she didnt need him, and have been together ever since (2.5 years).

 

So she's the type to line another guy up before ending it with the other with no significant break in between for grieving and healing. It means she carries unresolved issues into the next relationship which she likely buries or ends up projecting. It also means being single makes her feel insecure and unvalidated. Being with a man as a result can be more about validating her worth, than love. Furthermore, because of that, she's liable to stick in a relationship with someone whether she likes him or not. It also means she might stick in a relationship with a person she's losing interest in while preparing to jump to another. When she's fully over you, she'll bounce to him, and won't pay you a second thought.

 

As of the past couple of weeks, she has been very secretive with her phone, and also standoffish. This was very concerning to me, so I snooped and read their texts (I know how wrong this is). He is talking like he is her boyfriend, and they are saying things like they love and miss each other. He lives out of the state, and they are planning on meeting up.

 

She's secretive and standoffish because she knows what she's doing is wrong and she feels guilt for it but doesn't have the character to admit to it. Anger is a means to offset the guilt she feels. A coping mechanism. Yes, you're wrong to snoop but if there's something to be taken from it, snooping indicates a lack of trust in her. Without trust, you can't be with someone. You are justified to feel this way because she is making you feel this way. She is emotionally disconnecting from you, lying and is allowing her ex to disrespect you and the relationship.

 

I haven't brought any of this stuff up to her (its been 5 days) because I want to fully process what it is that I want to do. I know she loves me and cares about me, but I also know the hold her cheating ex has on her as she would always go back to him in the past. I thought 2.5 years of us together would stifle that and things were good with us for a long time.

 

You're choosing to see a lie that soothes your pain, rather than the cold reality of this situation because the truth is overwhelmingly painful to handle right now. The truth is this: you two have been together for 2.5 years. That's 2.5 years worth of experiences, memories, good and bad times, conversations, intimate moments, getting to know eachother's families and friends. That's 2.5 years of giving your best self to her. If after all that, she questioned your relationship and considered going back to her ex, it means what you two shared wasn't strong enough. She doesn't love you.

 

The situation is tough, because it is slowly eating away at me that she is so confused as to who she wants to be with. It is also tough because I do love her, care about her, and want to be with her. But I also know that I deserve to be with someone who always chooses me first.

 

It should eat away at you. It sucks and it's heartbreaking. You do deserve to be with someone who chooses you first. That isn't her. She proved that by her confusion.

 

What should I do? I am very hurt, and very confused. 2.5 years is a long time to spend with someone and we are extremely close. I know that If I end it, she will get with him immediately, but the old ways of their toxic relationship will resurface, and she will come crying back to me. Please help, everyone.

 

She has willingly put you in a position where you have no choice but leave. How would she feel if the roles were reversed? Would she stick around? If you stay in this, you teach her you do not have any self-respect or worth. That'll teach her to disrespect you as well. The damage has already been done here. The fact that you don't trust her right now is indicative of that. Trust takes a long time to earn but can be lost in a second. To get it back, may take a long time, if even possible. Everytime she looks at her phone, you'll wonder who she's talking to. Everytime she's away from your sight, you'll wonder what she might be up to. There will always be this doubt in your mind. And if she's okay to do this with an ex, she'll be okay to do it with someone else..probably someone over here who's closer and physically available. She has clearly demonstrated that she's okay lying to you. 2.5 years isn't even on her mind right now. All she wants is him and is willing to throw you and those 2.5 years away for it.

 

Taking all this into account, I'd drop her and I wouldn't take her back.

 

- Beach

Edited August 14, 2019 by Beachead

[spiderowl]

I am sorry this has happened. It's particularly bad that she has been with you for 2.5 years before rekindling the relationship with her ex. It meant you got attached and have been building a life with her.

 

I think you know what you need to do. What good is there in staying with her - there is only pain further down the line if she leaves to be with him.

 

It sounds like you are looking at this as she is confused about who she wants. Even if she is, the doubts about your relationship with her are clear - she is reaching out to an ex. She may decide she wants to be with you in the long run, after she has met her ex, but how long before this happens again?

 

How is this making you feel? Do you truly believe she is confused? Why did she and her ex break up? If he split up with her, then this contact is really bad news.

 

Some would dump her. I cannot advise you what to do here but you could see how she responds to a suggestion of relationship counselling. It seems there is plenty going on here to discuss.

 

I hope things work out well for you.

[salparadise]

He is talking like he is her boyfriend, and they are saying things like they love and miss each other. He lives out of the state, and they are planning on meeting up.

 

There's nothing ambiguous here. She's going back. The only unknown is whether she will try to keep it hidden and do you both at first, or just pack up and leave. Even if you confront her with what you know I don't think it will make any difference.

 

Your choices are a) wait around and be a victim, or b) man up and kick her ass to the curb. Yea, it's going to hurt either way, but if you get out ahead of it at least you'll preserve your dignity and self-respect.

 

Even if you managed to head off this instance somehow, you know who she is and what she's capable of now, and that's not going to change. You'll never get the trust back.

 

I think you just need to get out of this and hand her cheating ass back over to her cheating ex-boyfriend. They deserve each other. You deserve better.

[Highndry]

Your girlfriend is a cheating, disrespectful liar. Is that what you're looking for in a life partner? If it were me, I would end it immediately and never look back.