Starting again from rock bottom

[brownygoldy]

4 years ago, I hit rock bottom.

 

I was 25 years old at the time working and living independently in a good and well-paying job. I was physically and mentally healthy, had an active social life and was happy and incredibly confident.

 

One day I woke up and just felt drastically different - I felt disconnected, lost, anxious and my legs were throbbing, I was finding it hard to walk, had no energy, felt dizzy and had severe migraines.

 

I thought it was the stress of living in a big city and having a demanding job and took a long weekend away with a friend. I was falling asleep at tourist attractions and got scared of the toilet... I know, what the hell?

 

I still carried on going to work hoping and thinking this would subside but I started falling asleep at my desk and lost a lot of weight. I was signed off sick.

 

I moved back home (left the city I was living in alone) and saw the Dr.

 

It was Epstein Barr virus/Mono/Glandular Fever but a severe case of it. The symptoms didn’t get better with time and it turned into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, something id never heard of before.

 

I became a shell of my former self.

 

I lost my interactions, my passion for my job, my motivation and my energy.

 

I went from waking up at 06:30 to waking up at 14:00, something that still happens.

 

I remembered trauma from my childhood and from a previous abusive relationship which I thought I had happily moved on from unscathed.

 

I had counselling, healing, prayed, went to the gym, tried to get myself out there, nothing has worked.

 

Now I feel like I’m through the worst of the physical symptoms although the mental weakness/lack of motivation to get up and get going, some sort of depression and anxiety, and low self-esteem and low confidence remain.

 

I’m ready and I NEED to move forward.

 

I’m starting counselling again soon, I want to join the gym/exercise and get more invested in self-help material but some inner fear is holding me back, thinking I don’t deserve it.

 

Also, I want to start working again to build a routine in my life and regain financial independence and to give me a focus so I stop ruminating on the same negative issues over and over again. But I’ve lost a lot of my confidence, a lot of the time I can’t even get my words out clearly.

 

Can you advise and hold me accountable?

Thank you

Edited August 14, 2019 by brownygoldy

[Beendaredonedat]

Wow, BG... you have a lot on your plate. I think that you should start with your therapist first. Once you start to get your confidence back with the help of him/her, the rest will follow.

 

I'm sending you positive vibes for a speedy recovery through the internet and hope you are feeling like your old self soon.

 

Best wishes!

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m starting counselling again soon, I want to join the gym/exercise and get more invested in self-help material but some inner fear is holding me back, thinking I don’t deserve it.

 

How about team sports? There's leagues and clubs for everything from volleyball to soccer to biking and the group setting provides motivation and camaraderie. When I was down and out after my divorce (and developing a nasty tequila habit), I started playing softball and/or volleyball every night I didn't have my son, it sure beat sitting alone in a dark apartment. It also provides a great, low-key environment in which you can meet other people, romantic partners included. And skill level doesn't matter, there's teams or clubs for all abilities.

 

It can be hard to get yourself up and going, so it's nice to have the support of friends and teammates. Something to consider...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiritedaway2003]

Take things one step at a time.

 

Start a notebook documenting the things you want to work on, and check them off one at at time.

 

Best of luck in your recovery, and remember to celebrate the little wins.

[Watercolors]

brownygoldy the only people who can really hold you accountable is you, and your therapist and your doctor. I like the suggestion to join a community sports team. But first, you'll need to get that approved by your doctor.

 

I had Lymes Disease when I was 19 and that has prevented me from ever achieving the amount of energy it takes to participate in physical activity longer than 30 minutes.

 

So I know what type of fatigue you're going through. That is not something to mess with. Mentally you feel ready, but your body needs a lot of time to recover.

 

There are a lot of community clubs/groups you could join that don't involve sports necessarily but other artsy related things that won't physically exhaust you.

 

I think finding a community/social network to join will be good for you.

[d0nnivain]

Take baby steps. Start doing something that you can see progress in Use those little successes to motivate you.

 

I got some of my mojo back as we were having our kitchen renovated. I had to get out & get things done.

 

Another time I set a weight loss goal. As I lost the 1st 5 pounds I felt confident enough to tackle tougher tasks.

 

They say do the tough thing 1st so the rest is easier. I think you need to do the easy stuff first so you have a sense of accomplishment given you the confidence to move on to the harder stuff. So find something little & easy you want to do. Since you mentioned fitness / joining a gym, instead of going to a scary gym where people may judge you, start by committing to walk in your neighborhood every day or even buying a fitbit to track your steps. Once you get that down to a habit, then move forward with something tougher.

 

On the finance side, even put aside $1 per day. Do that until you get more comfortable saving or you start earning more money. then up the amounts.

[Foxhall]

Yes its not easy at times is it,

 

ah wel you only get the one life (unless reincarnation does exist),

 

enjoy it,

 

ruminating/moping is no good,

 

get active-hard to beat the bit of exercise.

[Ronni_W]

brownygoldy,

 

Given your recent thread in the 'Spirituality' sub-forum, I would offer to consider that all of these events are not unrelated.

 

I had counselling, healing, prayed, went to the gym, tried to get myself out there, nothing has worked.

 

As part of your prayers, have you also specifically made Calls (petitions) for full and proper spiritual protection?

 

A few years ago, I also went through some stuff that seemed to come 'out of the blue', and knocked me for a loop, as the saying goes. I was fortunate enough, after a couple of years,

to be able to come into contact with someone who was able to point me in the 'right direction'...invoking spiritual protection...the importance of which

none of my previous spiritual teachers had ever mentioned. (There are other free prayers/invocations on the Internet; these are just the ones that I use most often.)

 

Just going on a hunch, possibly this article will help you to be able to start to discern what's going on for you.

 

Sending Light, and wishing you the best.