My boyfriend almost hurt me - but I haven't been an angel either.

[CBW]

Hey. So, I need some advice. Me and my boyfriend are 18 years old, we've been together just over 5 years now, and recently. There's been an incident, we were out drinking at our local pub, catching up with friends, fun! Amazing fun, until we got back to my house, still the same happy energy, we both felt a little cheeky, but I suddenly fell out of the emotion, I wasn't wanting sex anymore, usually he's fine with this and we continue our night happy as can be, but this time. He puts his hand to my neck and presses me against the wall - not hard, it was soft but he still done it. I calmly freaked out and told him to get out of my house. He wouldn't leave and continuesly kept apologising, eventually I let him stay, but I haven't forgiven him yet - and I'm scared that he'll do it for real at some point. And I want to know what should I do?

 

Also. He isn't all to blame. One night, a while ago, we were at a party, we arrived late, so I wanted to catch up. Long story short I blacked out. I still to this day can't remember doing this. I had told my best friend to **** off multiple times. And punched my boyfriend in the face. I still feel absolutely terrible for it and don't know and don't blame him if he hasn't forgiven me for it. I just don't want you all to think that he's the only one that has done wrong in the relationship.

 

I don't know if we're toxic. We've been sorting things out and growing as people and in our relationship. I would just like someone to tell me their opinion on the situation.

 

Please and thank you aaah.

[Beendaredonedat]

I think you should start by quitting drinking. Both incidences occurred when you both had been partying. That should tell you something.

 

Where are your parents? Do you live with him? Are you both working full time or are you at school?

[Rayce]

I am sorry that happened to you but that is a big red flag IMO... you need to break it off. The next time he puts his hands on your neck you might not live to talk about it. Not sure where you are from but here that is consider a crime.

 

I agree drinking till you black out is not a good idea.

[BaileyB]

I agree, you both need to stop the drinking. That’s the first step.

 

Physical violence toward your partner is never acceptable in a relationship - for either partner. You both have to learn to control your anger.

 

If you chose to stay together, I would suggest that counselling would be a good idea for you both. Seriously, I have lots of friends who have been with their partners since they were teens. They have also “grown together in their relationship” and yet, none have been physically violent with their partner.

 

Stop the drinking and get some help.

[CBW]

You all are right, I've spoken to him about the drinking and we're both cutting down, we both don't like who we become when drinking too much, thank you for replying, I just needed someone, even a stranger on the Internet, to tell me their opinion, because my friend just wants me to leave him but I can't, like I said I haven't been the best either. So thank you for your honest opinions and support, I just needed a place to say.

 

And with the drink, since we are only 18, we're understanding our own limits, and I think that we have learned our limits and won't go anywhere near that area again.

 

We will fix it and this is the first time it happened in terms 5 years we've been together, because of drink. So we will fix it and be happy

 

Thank you all so much

[crispytoast]

The next time he puts his hands on your neck you might not live to talk about it. Not sure where you are from but here that is consider a crime.

So is punching BF in the face.

[Rayce]

So is punching BF in the face.

 

I didn't say it wasn't... BF is not here posting... she is!

[BaileyB]

So, just to be clear because it needs to be said - NOTHING you could ever do justifies him putting his hands on you in a physically violent way. And vice versa.

 

It doesn’t matter if you have been unreasonable, made him angry, yelled at him, called him names, thrown something, hit him - he NEVER has the right to put his hands on you and threaten you with physical violence. And you NEVER have the right to hit him. Full stop.

 

Think before you speak or act. Walk away. Learn to control your anger. Learn to communicate with each other...

[d0nnivain]

You punched him. He should have dumped you immediately.

 

He put his hands on you & didn't stop when you asked him too. Also a big no no.

 

I think you both need less booze & more anger management techniques. If you do both of those things you may be able to work past this & chalk the bad behavior on both of your ends up to being young & dumb. (We were all young & dumb once; it's not an insult but a situation). Anyway, if you can both grow more mature you may be OK but if this happens again on other side, you need to end things & get real help to understand why you acted the way you did.

[mark clemson]

I'm no expert in this area, but one incident doesn't = a pattern.

 

That said, IF this starts happening multiple times you will need to end it and get away IMO. Too many women stay in violent relationships from what I understand and the risk of injury and ruining your life emotionally OR WORSE is high.

 

You are probably aware of this already, but it's different when it's actually you; there is a desire to try to stay and "make it work". DON'T. If he does this again or threatens violence in other ways, WALK AWAY and don't look back.

[Gaeta]

I'm no expert in this area, but one incident doesn't = a pattern.

99% of the time yes. When the person inflicts his/her first blow and the other person remains in the relationship it sends the message it's ok. The very first violent behavior confirms the person has that type of aggressiveness in them and the risk of doing again is too high.

 

That said, IF this starts happening multiple times you will need to end it and get away IMO.

Said every woman that died at the hand of their physically abusive husband/boyfriend.

 

Too many women stay in violent relationships from what I understand and the risk of injury and ruining your life emotionally OR WORSE is high.

Agree, that's why you leave at that very first blow. The second one could be the fatal one.

 

 

.

[spiderowl]

Other posters have said that neither of you should physically harm or threaten each other. I am sure you are aware of that now.

 

I suppose what concerns me is his instinctive behaviour which was to grab you by the throat. That is concerning. If he does it again, it becomes a pattern and is an extremely dangerous one. It sounds like he was contrite but obviously this was after you had shouted at him to leave - you must have felt pretty upset to do that?

 

Alcohol releases inhibitions and causes people to behave in ways they would not usually dare to. You just need to be aware that is this kind of thing happens again, it is a huge red flag. Most of the people who die at the hands of their partners are women. Those relationships probably started out with minor infractions and apologies. Just be careful that you do not stay in this relationship any longer, if your guy proves to be a repeat offender. Usually there is an escalating pattern of such behaviour.