major_merrick Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I took lunch to my husband today. His company is handling a technical issue at a building close to the university in a nearby city. He's kind of a project manager. A professional butt-kicker, if you will. When things go wrong, his boss sends him in to get it right. He makes amazing money, but has been working so much lately. Since he was far away from his office and usual area, I figured I'd get him some lunch and hang out for a little while. Well, the place where he went was right on "sorority row" with tons of cute young college girls wandering around. He was running a bit late, up on the fifth floor of this building. I sat down for a while waiting for him, and I got to staring at all the cute young girls and I just really started feeling really bad. I'm getting closer to my mid-30's, I have to dye the gray streaks out of my hair, and I'm still not slender enough after my pregnancy. Compared to girls 10-15 years younger, I don't get why he even pays attention to me. On his way toward me he stopped to talk to a girl, but I guess he was just being polite and giving her directions. Obvious that he didn't know her at all, but just bothered me that he noticed her. I looked away for a little bit, and all of a sudden he was right there. He totally ignored the food, sat down, pulled me into his lap and said, "I can tell I've left you alone a bit too long." So we sat there and made out like a pair of teenagers, and I know we got some stares from the college girls. But he was focused on me like I was the only one in the world. Obviously, there's no issues between us. So apparently I'm an insecure, needy, idiot. Anybody else let their mind run away and jump to crazy conclusions? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 How can sharing a husband with multiple women not make a person feel like they’re never going to be enough to satisfy him? Welcome to your reality. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Has this sort of insecurity previously been an issue in your marriage? He handled it well, but his immediate instinct that something was wrong suggests to me that this is somewhat familiar territory for him. Your reaction does too, to be honest. It's one thing to have moments of self-doubt and insecurity but you seem pretty hard on yourself (calling yourself a needy idiot) and it makes me wonder if this is an ongoing problem that you worry could affect your marriage more deeply. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 So apparently I'm an insecure, needy, idiot. Anybody else let their mind run away and jump to crazy conclusions? Not really. My life runs on rails Major and I don't see any warps in the tracks up a head. What you have in your husband is someone who anchors your world. You can walk away for awhile and when you return he's still there because you can always find your way back. Many people would settle for that. Don't let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 How can sharing a husband with multiple women not make a person feel like they’re never going to be enough to satisfy him? Actually, that part doesn't bother me. I share his other wives too, and even Wife #1 who I've had some conflict with has settled down. Has this sort of insecurity previously been an issue in your marriage? He handled it well, but his immediate instinct that something was wrong suggests to me that this is somewhat familiar territory for him. Your reaction does too, to be honest. It's one thing to have moments of self-doubt and insecurity but you seem pretty hard on yourself (calling yourself a needy idiot) and it makes me wonder if this is an ongoing problem that you worry could affect your marriage more deeply. Growing up the way I did....you learn early that nothing in life is secure. I really hated turning 30. Seeing all those cute young girls around just reminded me that I'm not as pretty as I used to be, and I've always kind of thought that I'm a failure as far as conventional attractiveness goes. No matter what I try, I just don't do "cute." I guess my husband is used to this. Some of these feelings predate the marriage. He reads me pretty well, but we've been friends for about 20 years now. Even after our first relationship failed and we stopped dating, he was the one I'd run back to when my life blew up in my face. I think that tendency messed up his first marriage. He probably would never have gotten with his ex wife if I had just had things together enough to know what I wanted. Even though I broke off our engagement, when he suddenly moved on to someone else and married her, it really stung. I felt replaced. It doesn't bother me at all to share my bed with his other wives, because I love them too. But I don't want to be replaced. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Other girls, even younger ones have never made me feel insecure. But I have never considered my looks or my body my best asset, it's far from what defines me. That said, I couldn't ever imagine happily sharing my husband, part of the reason why feel so secure is that I understand our dedication to each other, and only each other. I am 40 and I feel so young! It amazes me when people talk about feeling old in their 30's - that's just getting started! But I also had a very different upbringing than you did. I count my lucky stars I had the parents I did. Especially my father who really harped that capable was so much more important than pretty. They showed me a ton of love and provided a very safe and secure place for me to grow up. And I feel secure in my 19 year relationship, secure with the company I have worked 16+ years for - much of my adult life has seen.... Security. While I understand that I must always water the garden if you will, I don't see others as a threat to my security. I couldn't feel secure knowing I was one of a number of wives, and that he could potentially be shopping for more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Anybody else let their mind run away and jump to crazy conclusions? all the time sis, all the time... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Maybe embrace the thought that not everything is about you. I find when insecurities are running me crazy I need to step back from myself and dig deep to really understand what I'm really feeling without projecting on others around me. I find it really useful to get a handle on my insecurities. Nobody can do it for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 RecentChange, I definitely get what you're saying. For me, there's also the dichotomy between what my brain knows is going on and what my underlying fears tell me. I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to being secure. How do you adjust to normalcy in your 30's when the first 25 years of your life was mostly defined by fear? It is foreign to me. Even when I owned my own house and had finally started to settle, I kept a set of evacuation bags in the garage...I was constantly ready to abandon it all in 60 seconds and flee. I've managed to drop most of that habit. I live in a house that is practically a fortress...never been safer in my life. Logic tells me that my husband isn't looking for any more partners, as four is considered the "acceptable maximum." And divorce in our community is basically unheard of. My fears are totally illogical...but they are still there Link to post Share on other sites
RoseyViolet Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 Insecurity can be a wicked thing in a marriage. Have you spoken to your husband so that he understands and knows fully the things that make you feel insecure? It sounds like he responded just the right way to you and made you feel like the queen of his life! Great Hubby!! Perhaps when you start to feel those feelings of insecurities try to stop that negative line of thinking dead in its tracks before it starts and go back to remembering these moments where he responded in just the right way at just the right time. I have to have lots of "mental chats" with myself to speak truth instead of destructive lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Self-awareness is much more sexy than a short skirt and young body. You seem to have that in spades. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 We all have our moments of insecurity. You're not a needy idiot - you're normal It sounds like you've done really well in making a happy life for yourself after such a rough start early in your life. An insecure, needy idiot wouldn't have done so well. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 You are you and not a idiot. Be happy Link to post Share on other sites
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