Why did you blindside dump your partner?

[L90]

If you have ever dumped a significant other with no prior conversations/warnings/anything of the sort and it was a complete shock to your partner, what happened?

 

What preceded the break up (feelings/thoughts/circumstances)?

 

What was your reason for breaking up?

 

Why didn’t you try to talk to your partner about whatever it was that wasn’t working/that you needed?

 

If you had spoken about things when they initially came up for you, do you think it would have made a difference?

[Reznar]

This mostly happens with dumpers who are insecure about themselves (young people, inexperienced people, anxious attachment style people...). Happened to me with my last ex too, she is quite young and it was a big shock for me.

 

Unexpected is the worst, it takes a lot of time to get back from that, even if the relationship wasn't long because you are too shocked when it happens, and the shock is still present weeks after.

 

Sometimes the person is just unsure whether to continue the relationship or not and the dumpee pushes them to break up. By acting needy, asking unnecessary questions etc. until the dumper couldn't take it anymore. I've seen cases where the dumper was unsure and the dumpee just asked the question: "Do you want to break up?"

And that alone pushed the dumper to break up, it was instinctive.

[ExpatInItaly]

I did this once, when I was quite young and not at all invested in the relationship. I didn't want to keep dating him, wasn't attracted anymore, and didn't care to try to fix anything.

 

Talking to him wouldn't have changed the outcome, because I was just not interested. He wasn't a bad guy, but we were not a match in a romantic sense. I didn't want him to change for me. The relationship wasn't a very long one, and once the initial thrill wore off, I realized I didn't really have a deeper interest in him.

[Fekenaws]

In my opinion, almost every breakup is a "blindsight" breakup if you are truly in love. Your brain is filtering out any of the red flags your partner has been showing you for a long while. While you subconsciously made excuses for their behavior, they were becoming increasingly distant and unhappy with the relationship for whatever reason.

 

This is more avoidable the older and more experienced you get, and eventually you may be able to end the relationship preemptively before they do, or save it if their interest level is still salvageable.

[lana-banana]

If you have ever dumped a significant other with no prior conversations/warnings/anything of the sort and it was a complete shock to your partner, what happened?

 

I don't think this actually happens very often. Most people don't wake up one day and decide to end their relationship. When the thought crosses your mind there's typically a period in which you consider whether that's really what you want---this period can last days, weeks, even months---and during that period you're less likely to text, less likely to volunteer spending time together, and so on. Someone might misinterpret these signs, but they're almost always there. Oftentimes a situation that seems to "come out of nowhere" is pretty obvious in retrospect.

 

What preceded the break up (feelings/thoughts/circumstances)?

 

1) The realization that I didn't see this person as a long-term partner; and/or

2) the realization that I was more intrigued by thoughts/fantasies of someone else.

 

What was your reason for breaking up?

 

See above.

 

Why didn’t you try to talk to your partner about whatever it was that wasn’t working/that you needed?

 

Most people break up because the relationship isn't working for them anymore, and in that case there's nothing else that the other person can do to fix it. There would have been nothing to talk about. "Hey, Sean, I'm really sorry but could you try to be more interesting? Could you make me laugh more? Could you trigger that kind of love and longing in me that makes me think about marrying you someday?" It doesn't work like that.

 

If you had spoken about things when they initially came up for you, do you think it would have made a difference?

 

Nope. Every time I've been truly invested in a relationship, I have been willing to talk things out. But every time I felt that I'd rather just break up, that alone is reason to end the relationship. Obviously now that I'm married that's not an option. But when I was dating guys, it wasn't like there were tons of logistical or personality issues that got in the way. Either we were a good fit for each other or we weren't, and in the latter case there's no point in trying to resolve that.

 

I really don't think anyone is obligated to sit down and try to talk through issues with anyone other than spouses, children, and coworkers. In pretty much every other case, if you'd prefer to end the relationship, you can and should do that.

[The Outlaw]

I haven't. I was on the receiving end of it. There were obvious warning signs, but no reasons were ever given.

[d0nnivain]

I had it done to me but I have never intentionally blindsided somebody with a break up. I try to fix problems before they get to critical mass.

[mark clemson]

One time my then partner had to move - I didn't want to maintain a LDR and told her. Not sure how blind-siding that was as she might have anticipated it might/might no go forward.

 

Another time, the girl (who was a genuine emotional wreck) deliberately and very visibly injured herself by banging her own forehead on a doorknob. I broke it off very soon after that. She did not seem to expect it, which surprised me.

[Mrin]

I made a rash breakup once. But there were definitely warning signs. So much so that we were on a no contact break instigated by her. So it wasn't out of the blue. I am sure she felt blindsided by it though.

 

I did call things off with two women I was casually dating about 10 months ago when the woman from the relationship I described above and I reconnected and decided to do it right this time.

 

I am sure they both felt blindsided. It had nothing to do with them so there were no arguments or fights leading up to it. I had been dating both of them very casually for a couple of months and both knew we weren't exclusive. But based on their reactions I think both were hoping that exclusivity would be coming in the future.

 

So ya, I hope this helps.

 

Mrin

[LauraXX]

When I ended things with my ex after a 10y relationship, he was in shock. And he'd probably say that there were no warning signs. However, I had tried to explain to him that I wasn't happy anymore many many times. He just didn't take it serious. We didn't even have sex anymore for the last two years of our relationship - so I just don't understand how he didn't see it coming.

 

 

 

The final straw was when he said that I should be a stay-at-home mom and maybe start a little Etsy shop or something like that. That was at a time when I really felt the urge to actually boost my career and find a better job, not to work less or stay at home. And I don't even sew, DIY, knit or anything like that. There's nothing I'd want to do less than opening an Etsy shop I've never felt so misunderstood and I realized that this man actually didn't know the first thing about me.

[basil67]

I made a rash breakup once. But there were definitely warning signs. So much so that we were on a no contact break instigated by her. So it wasn't out of the blue. I am sure she felt blindsided by it though.

 

Hope you don’t mind me using this as an example, but it’s a perfect picture of someone being blindsided when it should have been obvious. Problems so great that she had to call a break - how could she not expect a break up as a a very real possibility? And for what it’s worth, I don’t think you were being rash. I think you were sensible.

[lax16]

Delete please

[L90]

I did this once, when I was quite young and not at all invested in the relationship. I didn't want to keep dating him, wasn't attracted anymore, and didn't care to try to fix anything.

 

Talking to him wouldn't have changed the outcome, because I was just not interested. He wasn't a bad guy, but we were not a match in a romantic sense. I didn't want him to change for me. The relationship wasn't a very long one, and once the initial thrill wore off, I realized I didn't really have a deeper interest in him.

 

What changed from you wanting to be with him to all of a sudden not being interested anymore? If you had talked about whatever you viewed as changing when they first came up for you rather than letting it build, do you think it would have changed things?

 

In my opinion, almost every breakup is a "blindsight" breakup if you are truly in love. Your brain is filtering out any of the red flags your partner has been showing you for a long while. While you subconsciously made excuses for their behavior, they were becoming increasingly distant and unhappy with the relationship for whatever reason.

 

This is more avoidable the older and more experienced you get, and eventually you may be able to end the relationship preemptively before they do, or save it if their interest level is still salvageable.

 

I don’t think every break up is a blindside. I would think often the writing was on the wall. Things like arguing over the same issues going unfixed, or multiple discussions about multiple things not working.

 

I don't think this actually happens very often. Most people don't wake up one day and decide to end their relationship. When the thought crosses your mind there's typically a period in which you consider whether that's really what you want---this period can last days, weeks, even months---and during that period you're less likely to text, less likely to volunteer spending time together, and so on. Someone might misinterpret these signs, but they're almost always there. Oftentimes a situation that seems to "come out of nowhere" is pretty obvious in retrospect.

 

Most people break up because the relationship isn't working for them anymore, and in that case there's nothing else that the other person can do to fix it. There would have been nothing to talk about. "Hey, Sean, I'm really sorry but could you try to be more interesting? Could you make me laugh more? Could you trigger that kind of love and longing in me that makes me think about marrying you someday?" It doesn't work like that.

 

Nope. Every time I've been truly invested in a relationship, I have been willing to talk things out. But every time I felt that I'd rather just break up, that alone is reason to end the relationship. Obviously now that I'm married that's not an option. But when I was dating guys, it wasn't like there were tons of logistical or personality issues that got in the way. Either we were a good fit for each other or we weren't, and in the latter case there's no point in trying to resolve that.

 

I really don't think anyone is obligated to sit down and try to talk through issues with anyone other than spouses, children, and coworkers. In pretty much every other case, if you'd prefer to end the relationship, you can and should do that.

 

Not saying somebody wakes up and decides to end things but more along the lines of there are things bothering you and rather than saying something you bottle it up, continue to nitpick in your own head, all while acting perfectly happy and in love with your partner until there are enough grievances in your head that you decide to break up with your partner. I feel like there should be some sort of slight obligation if you are in a committed relationship to try to talk to your partner about whatever it is that isn’t working or is needed at least once before just ending things. You’ll never know what they might feel or think or be willing to do.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The last time I did something like this I was in high school and didn't know any better.

 

That's not how I conduct myself as an adult.

 

I always discuss whatever issues I am having / we are having and try to find a resolution (if there is one) before walking away.

 

I think it's terribly cowardly to just up and walk out without so much as a conversation if only out of respect for the other person you were committed to.

[lana-banana]

I feel like there should be some sort of slight obligation if you are in a committed relationship to try to talk to your partner about whatever it is that isn’t working or is needed at least once before just ending things. You’ll never know what they might feel or think or be willing to do.

 

If your motivation for the breakup is "you have specific habits that are dealbreakers for me" then okay, maybe. If it's because you've fallen for someone else or you simply don't see a long-term future together, there's no point.

[elaine567]

[quote=L90;7846120

I feel like there should be some sort of slight obligation if you are in a committed relationship to try to talk to your partner about whatever it is that isn’t working or is needed at least once before just ending things. You’ll never know what they might feel or think or be willing to do.

 

Not everyone can actually talk to their partner openly. Some feel they cannot bring up any concerns as they are shy or socially inadequate or have a people pleaser mentality... etc. and others will shut down and minimise any concerns brought up to them. Some people are highly defensive and even aggressive at the merest suggestion that things may be going wrong...

A person may feel they have to grin and bear it, until they can't do that any longer.

 

Some have discussed and discussed and discussed problems to no avail. The partner refuses to believe there is a problem, but is still "blindsided" when they find themselves all alone...

[preraph]

Honestly, this was sort of a mutual sudden dumping, a dumping of opportunity, and we hadn't been together that long. But we'd gotten along well. It was during a time I was carrying a torch for one guy but also had other guys I had been interested in recently. One was an LDR and he sort of faded away after writing a letter wherein he was depressed about his life path (a student). Then he'd been silent for a couple of months, so I just kept rolling.

 

Met this guy and started dating and hanging out, just an easygoing thing. I had no big fireworks, but I was interested in him.

 

But then when we started hanging out at my house more, he was too physically clingy for me, followed me around and would even try to follow me into the restroom, so I was already thinking how to put a stop to it without hurting his feelings, when the LDR called out of the blue. I made arrangements to come see him right there on the phone within earshot, though he had no idea who I was talking to. I did tell him it was someone I'd been dating before him who I'd been worried about and was going to see him, and he stormed out and that was that. The thing with the LDR didn't work out after the visit (I'm sure he was dating other women as he should at his age) and I didn't call up the clingy guy because of the clinging. I could have and didn't because I wasn't sure we could overcome that hurdle anyway.

 

I let it go. But again, not a long relationship, two or three months I guess.

[spiderowl]

Yes, it was not a long-term relationship but could have become so.

 

I had been thinking we were not compatible in some crucial ways:

 

- I wanted someone practical and helpful; he was intellectual but a bit hapless.

 

- We were not compatible sexually and I'd had to speak to him about dental hygiene

 

- While we were out one time, he ate something that I really cannot bear and I could not contemplate kissing him after that. It sounds weird but was just the way I felt

 

- He commented that I was putting on weight (actually I was really slim!). He said it in a jokey way but I felt he had no right to start making such comments, especially given that we were still relatively new to each other

 

- I was feeling increasingly concerned that he was getting more involved when I was having such doubts.

 

So anyway, he rang me one evening and was talking as if he was planning ahead - what we could do in the summer and so on. I don't know what happened but I suddenly blurted out that we could not continue. It took me by surprise and it certainly took him by surprise. I was shocked at hurting him and I knew he was hurt. It did end there though. I still don't know how I managed to say what I did.

 

He is still in touch as a friend, which is fine by me as long as he can cope with that. Intellectually we had a lot in common; it was just all the rest.

[basil67]

I feel like there should be some sort of slight obligation if you are in a committed relationship to try to talk to your partner about whatever it is that isn’t working or is needed at least once before just ending things. You’ll never know what they might feel or think or be willing to do.

 

I had many conversations about being unhappy with my ex-h. He just didn't listen. And was still blindsided when I left.

 

I would be happy to discuss red flags with them, but not dealbreakers. To be clear, dealbreakers are things which show a significant personality flaw.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Thinking about this, I believe that conflict avoidant types usually experience this blind sided dumping. Either the dumper is not honest with their feelings until they cannot not take it anymore. Or as Basil described below the dumpee avoids acknowledging the problems in the relationship.

 

In my case I see now that we were both conflict avoidant. He struggled with saying what he truly felt (as did I) and when he did, I did not listen properly, stuck my head in the sand, had a hard time acknowledging his feelings etc.

 

I come to this after reading many responses saying that there are always clues which makes total sense. It is a hard pill to swallow coming to this conclusion.

[destroyedlife]

i have not dumped anyone like that before, but ive been told by one of my exes why she did that to me.

 

we were in a serious relationship. we were really in love as well. the issue started off with social, in person, bars, online , at work , and so on.

 

she would constantly keep tabs on me. want to know about my life, meet all my friends, always come when i went out , but when she went out, i was never allowed to come, i was with her for a while and she had friends who i never even herd of.

 

the truth that she finally told me is. that she was immature. she said she has this sense of " MINE" that when she starts getting new friends and new life. she didnt want to share. she got anxiety when she was around them and it got worse when i asked to come. she told me that she would lie about things in her life to get new people to like her and was afraid that i would screw up her thing she had going.

 

an example would be like her pretending that she loves sports and had favorite teams, even though she has never watched sports in her life.

 

i guess she lied so much that ultimatley she build a new alter ego /persona for herself.

 

she wanted to be different , liked admired , the new girl who everyone was interested in.

 

and she didnt want me to come along because she felt that people in relationships lose admiration from others. theres boundries and jokes and things that you cannot do or cross when you are in a relationship. so she chose her new life over me. so she quickly dumped me .and not so much for the reaason so that she couldnt lie to her new friends. but so she didnt have to lie to me anymore. luckily this breakup didnt hurt as much as my most recent one.

 

but i can tell you , a few years later her new friends started dating people. moving forward in life , thats when she reached out to me and half ass apologized. she wants to be close friends. and me being grown. i accepted. but i have never persued any interest in our friend ship, i have put in zero effort. not because im trying to be an ass, just because my life is pretty busy and complicated now as it is. and i sense that her lonliness is kicking in and she knows my reliablity for friend ship will always be there.

 

we have not talked about getting back together, nor do i want to, sometimes i get the sense she is going in that direction. but those feelings died. and it was something i had to let die. and everytime we have hung out, she calls , she picks me up , she takes me out to eat.

 

so did i lose, yes and no, i became the prize , and she became the pursuer

 

so if you wanna know why your spouse suddenly disappeared and dumped you , well theres hundreds of reasons. but the only one that matters is that they no longer wanted to be tied down.

Edited August 16, 2019 by destroyedlife