Embarassed by the way I behaved post-breakup

[physicsgirl]

Hello everyone.

 

About three years ago, I fell in love with someone for the very very first time. I never in my life felt this way about anyone and never even imagined that I could feel this way about anyone. I have no idea how it happened but it was such an unexpected and magical gift. I can still remember how much my heart would flutter and how much happiness I would feel just from seeing him. It was a transformative experience. I never understood the concept of settling down with one person, but for the first time, understood what it meant to love someone so much that I wanted to be with them and only them. I've written an endless amount of poems and songs for this boy...I've had an endless amount of dreams of him. The funny thing is, he's not even my type, he has many imperfections, and he may not be the best looking. But somehow, I was able to see him for who he was and still see the most beautiful person on the planet. I loved his passion for building rockets and I wanted to be there beside him to help him fulfill his dreams. I really really really loved him in a way that I can't even describe. Our relationship blossomed so naturally from being classmates to friends to something more. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I can feel something so incredibly magical.

 

We were "together" for about 6 or 7 months, but he eventually found out that his parents would not approve of him being with someone that's not from his race. =( He left me 2 years ago. Before me, he had a few other flings with girls and had a lot more experience with dealing with heartbreak. He was able to move on. On the other hand, I was struggling immensely because I loved him so much and because I felt deeply hurt for being left over my RACE of all things. After maybe about 8 months, we started talking and being romantic again. And we had a romantic sort of friendship for another 4 months, after which he stopped talking to me because he wanted me to move on. He didn't want me to be hung over a person that I can't be with. This was about a year ago.

 

I don't know if I was right or wrong in believing this, but I felt like our bond was special. I loved him so so much as I explained in so much detail. I thought that the universe brought us back together because we were meant to be. After all, he left me because of pressure from his parents and told me several times that I am a very special girl and "wifey material." So I didn't give up. I believed in him. I loved him and couldnt stand the thought of losing him over an issue as petty as race. I didn't let go. Over the past year, I expressed my love and affection for him on several occasions. But he became very cold and distant. He would say very cruel things which made me angry too. My pain grew exponentially and I even felt kinda suicidal. =( I basically got dumped over my race and the person that I loved more than anything completely forgot me.

 

I sent him a lot of emotional messages. He probably thinks I'm insane and annoying which hurts so much. I stopped talking to him and have no plans of talking to him ever again. But girls left him in the past because they couldn't understand him and his quirks. For the first time, he found someone who loved him for him and would give him the world. And he told me that I showed him how it felt to be loved. So I felt like I was special to him. I loved him to the stars and back. And maybe I made myself seem like a complete loser, but I am a very ambitious and self sufficient PhD student with big intellectual dreams. I'm not someone who has no life and relies on her partner for happiness. I just really really loved this guy in a way that I never loved anyone before and I wanted to fight for him. Moreover, I wanted him to understand that his parents are exhibiting a harmful mindset by prioritizing race in such a way. (I just don't think it's right for a parent to emotionally manipulate their children into breaking up with their partners over RACE ).

 

Everything is over now and I've given up on love. I had my experience and am giving my heart to my passion 100% (physics hehe, as you can tell from my username hehe). But I feel very embarassed that I went through all this pain, made myself emotionally vulnerable, lost my cool, etc. My ex told me that he doesn't understand what love is and that he is a shallow person. So I don't think he saw my love and devotion behind my actions...just a psychotic girl. I feel embarassed.

 

I guess what I'd like is some opinions and words of encouragement after this traumatizing situation. I feel like my love and I have been reduced to nothing but craziness. =( But my feelings and my pain and my love were very real.

[Maggiemay1]

I’m guessing it’s been 18 months since you broke up the second time ?

 

I understand that you say you loved him but you have said nothing to suggest he ever loved you.

 

I don’t believe him when he said it was over race or at least that it was his parents doing.

I think he just used the race card to end it without him looking like the bad guy.

 

A relationship doesn’t work when only one is in love. I think you wasted your time and energy into the wrong guy.

 

Break ups hurt I know. And sometimes we don’t respond in a manner we would like to think when being dumped. But forgive yourself. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you for it. He is one guy only.

 

You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much back.

[Morello]

I agree with the above. The problem of those excuses that people use not to be in a relationship is that they are only... excuses. I find it extremely unlikely that he would dump you ver your race if he was really into you. I guess he used his parents so he doesn't look like the bad guy.

 

It's a very tough thing to go through: wanting someone who doesn't want us back. But we've all been there and done that. The reason you are stuck in that you really think he loved you and was 'forced' to dump you because of his parents. I'm sorry but this doesn't look like the actual truth. Once you realise he wasn't that into you, to begin with, it should b easier to detach.

 

Look at his actions (dumping you) and not his words, however sweet they might have been. Mentally healthy people do not dump people they love, unless in very extreme circumstances and it doesn't look like it's your case.

[physicsgirl]

Thank you very much for your response. Well actually, he stopped dating after me and his mom is choosing a girl for him. =( He's from a very conservative Muslim family and his cousins also faced situations of having to leave their girlfriends so that they're families wouldn't disown them. It's a really unfair issue that really gets on my nerves. This is one of the reasons why this situation made me so angry.

 

But yea you're right. If he really loved me, and valued me, he wouldn't have let that happen. He would have fought to the bitter end, as I would have done for him.

[Maggiemay1]

Thank you very much for your response. Well actually, he stopped dating after me and his mom is choosing a girl for him. =( He's from a very conservative Muslim family and his cousins also faced situations of having to leave their girlfriends so that they're families wouldn't disown them. It's a really unfair issue that really gets on my nerves.

 

You need to realise that he did not love you.

You have said nothing that suggested he did.

Just a bit of sweet talking and that’s it.

 

It’s not his parents that are conservative muslims that’s the issue.

It’s that he is! And it’s not uncommon for Muslim men to date outside of their race (full well knowing it will be short term) just to experience women before they are matched up for marriage.

Muslim women would be shunned from the family for doing what he did. And now he is going to marry a good clean Muslim woman.

 

He chose to date you purely because you are NOT Muslim. He wouldn’t have had the opportunity of sex if you were Muslim.

 

This was HIS choice. NOT his parents.

[elaine567]

He's from a very conservative Muslim family and his cousins also faced situations of having to leave their girlfriends so that they're families wouldn't disown them...

But yea you're right. If he really loved me, and valued me, he wouldn't have let that happen. He would have fought to the bitter end, as I would have done for him.

 

He had no choice.

Being a Muslim is not just a label, Islam impacts every single part of his life. It is an all encompassing religion. Many Muslims have deeply ingrained cultural traditions too.

Marrying is a big deal and marrying the wrong person is not an option. He will be ostracised from his family, from his community, from his religion and for some their lives may even be in danger.

The problem here is not Islam, the problem here is young Muslim men playing around with non-Muslim women sometimes for years, then retreating back into their religion when they need to marry. They know that a non-Muslim wife is a no go in their highly conservative community, yet they mess around for their own selfish reasons and break hearts.

His family will find him a nice Muslim girl from a good family, sometimes a virgin from the "old country" and all will be hunky dory...

[Maggiemay1]

He had no choice.

.

 

He did have a choice.

He chose to play around with a non Muslim woman knowing he will end it at some point.

 

He just omitted to tell the OP that that was what the case.

 

A friend of mine was in an 11 year relationship with a Muslim. He ended it and married a Muslim within 6 months.

 

OP, be grateful that he ended it when he did.

[elaine567]

He did have a choice.

He chose to play around with a non Muslim woman knowing he will end it at some point.

 

Yes, that is a choice he made but even if he loved the bones of her, giving up his family, his community, his life as he knows it, his religion, his culture... is a huge thing and for many there is no real choice was the point I was making.

 

The OP despite loving this guy, did not understand him at all.

"Very conservative Muslim family" should have rung a warning bell day one.

She couldn't fight that, no matter how angry it made her.

Few will give up centuries of tradition for a "silly" love affair...

[stillafool]

He did have a choice.

He chose to play around with a non Muslim woman knowing he will end it at some point.

 

He just omitted to tell the OP that that was what the case.

 

A friend of mine was in an 11 year relationship with a Muslim. He ended it and married a Muslim within 6 months.

 

OP, be grateful that he ended it when he did.

 

Your friend sounds like one of mine who was involved with a Muslim for 10 years. He put her through college, dropped her and married a Muslim woman chosen by his parents. He never told my friend in all those 10 years that he loved her. I too cannot see anywhere in OP post where this guy was actually in love with her.

 

OP, sometimes when we love someone so much it feels impossible that that love isn't returned by the person we love but it looks like that is the case here. Don't let one man make you give up on love. There are millions of other men out there to explore.

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry for the heartbreak... but I can empathize. Early in my schooling, I met a Korean girl who I connected with very deeply. We went out several times, and she even met my family. But after a couple months... she broke it off with me for the same reasons. Her family was very close, and they wouldn't accept a "White Boy" into that circle. I was crushed, but I did get past it.

 

 

Oh... and just as an FYI... I also have a degree in Physics. It was a lot of work... but a lot of fun. I was even the president of the physics club at my last school.

 

 

Anyway... the hurt will go away... you will find love again... and you can still be brilliant in your field.

[Watercolors]

Muslim culture is held together by a "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to dating outside of their race. It's a culture that looks the other way, rather than address what's really happening. That's just the way the Muslim culture functions in Western society.

 

Muslim law doesn't really allow Muslim men or women to date outside of their culture and when they do, it's taboo, and even if it lasts a decade it won't last a lifetime.

 

Sorry you had your heart broken, physicsgirl. But now you know, if you choose to date another Muslim guy you'll know that it will only be temporary b/c Muslim culture dictates that Muslims marry each other, not outside of their race. Inter-faith marriages are extremely rare in Muslim culture via the Qu'ran.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't handle your 1st break up well That is understandable. Nobody does anything perfectly the 1st time they do it. Cut yourself some slack.

 

You say you love physics. In HS when you got your 1st exposure to the subject do you think you could solve the complicated problems you deal with now as you are further along in your field? Of course not. You had to do the work, take the classes, learn the subject. Love & break ups are no different.

 

 

When you made mistakes on your homework you didn't change majors & give up on physics did you? No, you continued working to master the subject. So why are you giving up on love after only one bad experience?

[kendahke]

If he really loved me, and valued me, he wouldn't have let that happen. He would have fought to the bitter end, as I would have done for him.

 

Realistically, how many young men in his culture are so strong and defiant in their parents faces that they can endure being ostracized from their family for the rest of their natural lives? I'd venture a guess and say not many--because social acceptance is a human need.

 

So maybe, he's loving you the right way by not drawing you into the toxic soup that is his family dynamic and the truth that he's not strong enough in his convictions for you to stand up to his mother/family and be willing to cut them off for the rest of his life for you or any non-muslim woman.

Edited August 14, 2019 by kendahke

[physicsgirl]

We weren't physically intimate, we both believe in no physical intimacy before marriage. But you're right, I don't think he loved me. Still heartbroken though. =(

[d0nnivain]

Hugs. It is heartbreaking but that is no reason to close yourself off from love indefinitely.

[SumGuy]

I'm guessing you are in your 20's, believe it from someone in their 50's your chance for love is far, far from over.

 

 

The quote below says to me, loudly and clearly, it's him, not you.

 

 

...My ex told me that he doesn't understand what love is and that he is a shallow person.

 

 

 

 

Believe his words, he doesn't know what love is, he is shallow. Don't beat yourself up for being an open loving person that saw the good in him, the potential in him. His loss.

 

I guess what I'd like is some opinions and words of encouragement after this traumatizing situation. I feel like my love and I have been reduced to nothing but craziness. =( But my feelings and my pain and my love were very real.

 

 

Unrequited love is the most painful of all, been there. Things do get better, you can get over it and can love another the same way.

 

 

If this is your first time experiencing such heart break it is especially hard to deal with and your behavior may seem "crazy" but given the situation it is not, and very normal.

 

 

We live, we learn, even null result experiments provide useful information.

[preraph]

Oh, it's always horrible when someone you love dumps you. And like you said, you believed in the fairytale and thought because you loved him that you two were destined to be together. It's one of the hardest things to learn when you're young and that is that there is not someone you're predestined to be with, that just because you feel a way about a person doesn't mean they even like you back or even if they do, that their feelings run as deep. Honestly I've come to believe that most men just don't love as deeply or maybe it's as empathetically as women do, different creatures. So many of them are in love with sex rather than in love with love like women are. It is easier for most of them to move on, and especially if they are the dumper, of course. That goes for men and women.

 

It's easier for the dumper to move on because they wanted to break up.

 

Here's one thought. I assume you are still quite young for him to still be taking orders from his parents about who to date. So it's either that he isn't a man yet in his head OR he is using them for an excuse because he wanted out.

 

Other thing is if he's still a young man in his early 20s, this is just not the time men normally feel like settling down. This is the time men and women usually are still finding their adult self, especially if they are just now living independently and not under their parents' wings. You really can't find your own path while under the constant influence of your parents. Everyone needs to get a cheap place to live and preferably be on their own entirely for a year or two and then they really discover who they are and mature. You can't mature while still living with parents.

 

So it's just not time. A lot of men start to weary of dating around age 30 and really most of them are not suitable for trying to hold a household down until then.

 

He's not who you thought and hoped he was or he would have loved you more, but honestly, he's probably just not the right maturity level for that.

 

At least you learned first time around not to stick around and make them tell you they don't want you more than once. It's a losing proposition and like you said, just leaves you feeling humiliated and low self-esteem.

 

Next time (and it happens to all of us) once someone dumps you, walk away and leave them behind and at least you have your dignity.

 

And remember the love you felt came from within you and you get to take it with you when you leave and give it to someone else some other time.

[physicsgirl]

Hugs. It is heartbreaking but that is no reason to close yourself off from love indefinitely.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. <3

[physicsgirl]

 

Here's one thought. I assume you are still quite young for him to still be taking orders from his parents about who to date. So it's either that he isn't a man yet in his head OR he is using them for an excuse because he wanted out.

 

Other thing is if he's still a young man in his early 20s, this is just not the time men normally feel like settling down. This is the time men and women usually are still finding their adult self, especially if they are just now living independently and not under their parents' wings.

 

 

Actually, we're both fresh uni graduates (22 years old) and we both still live with our families. His parents won't let him move out until he's married to a girl of their choosing (a super conservative and traditional girl from their hometown). it's almost as if they're trying to trap him inside a specific cultural bubble indefinitely. I found all this completely incomprehensible because even though my background is Indian and Indians are similarly conservative, I was born and raised in Canada by extremely open minded parents. x.x Anyways, I guess that's his problem now. I don't think that a social justice warrior like myself who dreams of all races uniting would've been happy in such a culturally enclosed family. o.o Thank you so much for your kind words!

Edited August 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[physicsgirl]

I'm guessing you are in your 20's, believe it from someone in their 50's your chance for love is far, far from over.

 

Yes you guessed right, I'm 22 years old and this was my very first heartbreak. As a normally calm and coordinated person, I couldn't believe how emotionally unstable I became. Thank you so much for your reassurance. It makes me feel so much better.

Edited August 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

^ Well, that's the thing. One really isn't an adult ready to choose a mate until they have gotten out on their own for some time. You really can't blossom under your parents' care and influence, no matter how wonderful they are. You have to get out and support yourself and make your own decisions and accept life's challenges and learn to deal with them and find your inner strength and then come at love once you have that.

 

And I agree that with his religion, if they are strict, and sounds like it, there's no hope for him and yes, he is trapped, but it's up to him to untrap himself. Like you say, from your vantage point, you can see that, but from his, I guess not. An old friend of mine lost her whole family because she pursued an exciting career rather than submitting to popping out babies in her teens, because that was the way of their culture. Much resentment because anyone who breaks out, they take it like a slap in the face. They know in their hearts they were trapped as well, and you'd think they'd want better for their children.

[kendahke]

You also have to consider that he may not believe or feel he's trapped--that this is part and parcel of his duty to his family.

 

Also, his love for his parents and the avoidance of disappointing them is probably very strong in him because that's how he was raised. It's not wrong, nor is how you were raised, but you're wrong for one another.

[physicsgirl]

@kendahke....

 

Oh yea, he definitely believes in keeping his family happy at all costs. I think that's fine. But personally, as a girl who grew up in the Toronto area, I can attest to the claim that immigrants come here and form their own little bubbles. It's gotten to the point where each city has become a hub for a particular race. And this is because people are afraid to reach out of their comfort zone and mingle with people from other races, even though we are all human and each culture has something to special to share. It's very disappointing to see and I believe that we should all actively work to overcome these racial barriers and be more accepting of one another. I'm lucky that I was raised in a place which taught me that all humans are equal and that love transcends race or culture.

Edited August 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

@kendahke....

 

Oh yea, he definitely believes in keeping his family happy at all costs.

 

Then your work here is done.

 

That drive is stronger than what he feels for you.

[Flame Aura]

Honestly, he sounds like a very weak minded little boy. If he can't choose who he dates and instead only listens to his parents well then he is incredibly immature and needs a lot of growing up to do.

 

 

Find a man instead of this loser.