Embarassed by the way I behaved post-breakup

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you have been hurt so much. Thinking that he was 'the one' has made it all worse for you. Someone else could take his place one day, though that is always hard to believe at the time.

 

You have done nothing wrong, just been hurt. It happens to a lot of people and, especially the first time this happens, most people find it hard to cope and act in a way they regret afterwards. You are not alone in this.

 

It is hard to understand that no matter what you feel about him, the same feelings are not reciprocated. Love is such a powerful feeling that we assume the other must be feeling similarly, which is not always the case. If you and he were 'right' for each other, he would not have broken up with you, for any reason. Race is one excuse - it may be the opinion of his parents, but he didn't have to go along with it. He chose to go along with it. There is nothing wrong with your race of course and it would be false to think this is the main reason. It is the reason he 'gave' but most guys would have fought like hell to keep a girl they truly felt was their lifetime partner.

 

I think if you look back, you will recall times when you and he were not on the same page. Seen through loving eyes, that is something that can be overcome. Seen through attracted but not 'in love' eyes, it is someone who is not on the same page.

 

Was this guy looking for commitment with you? Did he indicate at all that you two would be together in the future? What precipitated the break up - I mean did anything happen shortly before it, other than the parents disapproval? If he was having fun but not looking for commitment, then you two were not on the same page and eventually this became more obvious to him

 

I am sorry about the pain you have experienced - and are still - experiencing. You are going through a process of trying to make sense of it all. Some things (especially relationship break-ups) never make sense and accepting that actually helps. Knowing that there are things you will never understand can give you some freedom from this self-torture.

Edited August 15, 2019 by spiderowl

[elaine567]

Honestly, he sounds like a very weak minded little boy. If he can't choose who he dates and instead only listens to his parents well then he is incredibly immature and needs a lot of growing up to do.

Find a man instead of this loser.

 

This is about culture and tradition and honour and family and religion, this is not about weakness or immaturity or being a "loser".

Islam is not a "Western" religion and guess it will never be in the foreseeable future. Our "Western" ideas and values mean little to strictly conservative Muslims.

He can't fight that, even if he wanted to.

[nolanola]

There is no shame in loving someone and wanting to be with them. I understand that feeling of foolishness after you open your heart to someone and they don't reciprocate - I have been there more than once. Especially after a breakup, when you are raw and hurting, it's natural to feel terrified that you're losing something and to try to hold onto it at any cost. You will be ok. The best thing about these types of things is that the memories of them tend to fade with time, both for you and for him. Meaning, although it will sting for a good while, it won't always be so painful and one day you will be able to think about him and about your time together as just another thing that happened in your life. I know it seems impossible right now.

 

I had a breakup with a guy about 10 years ago that I literally thought I would never get over. I couldn't go 5 minutes without thinking about him - to the point that I thought I was going insane. I gained strength when I was able to stop talking to him and to vow to myself to never contact him again - like you I had done many, many things to try to convince him that I was perfect for him, that he loved me and needed me, and so on. It took about a year for me to feel back to myself and even then I would sometimes think about him and get sad, angry, and so many other emotions. Over time, it got so much better though and I was able to love again, although it took some time.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Accept that it hurts and that you feel terrible. I would also stop trying to understand and reason everything - it just keeps you stuck in a loop. We will never know if he really broke up because of the race/religion issue or something else, so my opinion - accept what he said as his reason and try to move on. Because honestly, it doesn't matter if it was one thing or another. Bottom line was that he didn't see the two of you as a match for marriage or life - that is his loss and his mistake. Pick your head up, hold it high, focus on your studies, your career, your family, your health, your hobbies and move on to being an amazing woman. Hugs to you.

[anika99]

OP most people have experienced similar in regards to their first love. I don't mean most people have been rejected by the love of their life due to race or religion. What I mean is that we all feel the same way when we fall in love with someone for the first time. We believe in that love with every fibre of our being, we think the person we are in love with is the most special person and that we were made for each other. We can't imagine life without that person. When we lose our first love the agony is excruciating. We are in shock that this person who was fated by the stars and the universe to be ours for all eternity has turned their back on us. We torture ourselves with why? why? why? Sometimes we throw all our pride out the window and literally beg the person not to leave us.

 

So millions of people have gone through exactly the same feelings and pain that you are going through. Nothing to be embarrassed about. And like the rest of us you will get over it and love again, unless you choose not to.

[Ana1234]

I am so sorry you experienced this pain. I understand how painful it can be when we love others, but they don't respond in the same way. I am glad you're reaching out; that shows real courage.

 

I would encourage you not to give up on love. I understand how scary it can be to try to love another man in the future, but I know from my own experience that cutting yourself off from love hurts you more.

 

Is there someone you trust who you can talk to about this? I have found that it always helps to talk about your struggles. It's a wonderful reminder that you're not alone.

 

Praying for you, friend.

[physicsgirl]

Thank you very much for your responses everyone. This has been very tough on me and I've been feeling very mentally ill and completely broken. And I feel weak for feeling this way because everybody around me has been having flings and relationships since they were 15 or 16 and heartbreaks are a normal thing for them. But it quite literally feels like the end of the world for me so I feel insane. But your responses have made me feel much better. Thank you so much.